SexyPrime, a blog by Susan Crain Bakos

CONNECT-- Three Men, a Sex Babes Date and a Lesson About Elephants

Photo Credit:  "Lovers in a Cafe," Brassai, 1932 

 

 

Once upon a time, I was pondering a marriage proposal when my pal Richard Anton Diaz said, “You never leave anything at his place; you’re not going to marry him.”  There it was—the elephant in the room, its tote bag full of cosmetics, hair stuff and clean panties. 

In his new and very popular Sexy Spirits’ course, The Hot Man/Woman Game of Sex & Love, Anton helps single men and women who can’t see past their own elephants into the eyes of a partner with whom they might connect.  People may come to me looking for better sex, but they come to Anton looking for love, deeply connecting love—no less than the love of their lives, their soul mates—and they leave with the understanding of how to give and share love on a less exalted human plane, to be ready in case they get that big chance but to be fully human whether they do or don’t.

“Finding the love of your life is an archetypal desire in anyone, no matter how much we think it is a myth,” he says, “but it’s worse than looking for a needle in a haystack.  The majority of people we meet romantically and sexually are most likely not going to be the love of our lives.”

It’s so refreshing to hear a love adviser not promise You Will Find The One If You Follow My Plan.

“Some people may never find the love of their life but they can have a richer life and more fun by playing a win-win game”—a game that is neither The Rules for women nor a Pick-up Guide for men.   

I tried explaining a bit of this to my second Sex Babes client, another Wall Street man who freely admits, “I cannot connect to women, except briefly during the moment I am coming into them.

“Is that primal?” he asked, a forkful of steak tartar poised in front of his mouth, probably to emphasize his point.

No.  Connecting is primal.  Disconnecting, failing to connect, ripping the connection apart—that is the behavior of a civilized animal keeping his primal in check.

“Do women hate me?”  he asked.

Maybe.  Some women—probably yes.  He’s got what they want but he doesn’t want to give it up.  So, yes, hate. 

“I like you,” I said.

“Really?” he asked.  “Not just because I’m paying you to listen to me talk?”

Money helps, of course.  But yes, I like him.   I like men.

“I don’t have time to take your friend’s course.  Would he see me privately? 

"Is there a lesson plan?”

Anton had the Hot Man/Woman course so beautifully projected that, as I helped him this week create a book proposal for it, I watched the outline spiral and curve out of the material as if it were a thing alive, a staircase to, if not heaven, something good.

“Can he help me?” the client asked.

“Do you see elephants?”

The next morning I woke to Dan Taylor’s voice (The Morning Show, wcbsfm 101.1) and I felt it—connection.   That voice, rich and deep, sensual and sexual plays the notes so well, moving from the witty remark to the genuine emotion—connecting …

I remembered Anton’s comment about the Hot game—“Whether people connect in a brief hook-up or a long-term relationship, they can learn to connect in an intimate practice that brings out their own true self.  And their partners don’t feel played.”

Connection.  God, we need it, don’t we?  Whatever we do about elephants and marriage proposals, we need to feel connected—at least once a day.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime.

 

ASK AUNTIE SUE: Reader Questions on Taming the Player, Aural Arousal--and "Why is it ok for women writers to trash men?"

Auntie Sue's Legs, photo by Trent 

 

Q.  “Can the right woman tame a playboy?  I am in love with one of the biggest players in Harlem.  He is beautiful, strong, successful—and he says I am the one.  He loves me and wants to marry me—and he wants me to have his baby.  Every time we make love, which is daily, he begs me to go off the pill.  He only has one Baby Mama and the child is a teenager.  Recently I caught him cheating on me but it was only a blow job with a white woman and he says that is it, he is done with white girls.  He's turned over the passwords to his Facebook, Twitter and email accounts and lets me check his phone messages.  Do you think he can stay faithful?  Should I get pregnant while I still can?”  Janelle, 34.

A.  Oh, honey, I’ve lived in Harlem and heard this story more than once.  If I haven’t met your man—and I use “your” lightly—then I’ve met his brothers.  No, you can’t tame him.  No, he won’t “stay faithful.”  He’s already “cheated” while supposedly being faithful—and that is just the one time you more or less know about.  After giving you total access to his privacy, he undoubtedly went out and created new accounts or new ways to get around your policing tactics.  Players are always playing the game.

Women love to believe that they can tame the player.  It’s the female power myth, the stuff of romantic comedies.  Don’t get pregnant unless you are prepared to be Baby Mama #2, spending your nights alone with your child.  He may indeed love you, but he isn’t going to change for you.  Done with white girls?  I rather doubt that, but even if true, that still leaves every other shade, doesn’t it?

 

Q.  “I love your post on aural arousal; and I read about Dan Taylor when he did The Morning Show from London during the volcano travel black-out.  I tried explaining aural arousal to my boyfriend, but he got bogged down in dirty talk.  I don’t want to hear or say dirty words—and he argues that they are sexy and many women like to use and hear them.  I want him to whisper sexy in my ear.  How do I get him to do this?”  Cecelia, London

A.  Start at the top.  Tell him that the brain is the biggest sex organ.  If he doesn’t get you there, he doesn’t get you anywhere.  The release of brain chemicals, neurotransmitters and hormones, trigger desire and arousal.  He isn’t turning on your brain with “dirty” words.  They may be sexy to some other women, but you are the woman in his bed so he has to play with your brain the way you like it.  (And vice versa.)

Now model the language and tones that do turn you on by whispering seductively in his ear.  Personally, I wish all men had Dan Taylor’s voice, but, alas they do not; and since he seems most unavailable, we have to make do with less.  With practice, however, your BF can learn to modulate his tones and lower the timbre of his voice.   Teach him how to whisper sexy—and let me know how it works out.

 

Q.  “My son showed me the sex column, written by a woman, in his college newspaper.   Reverse the genders and the writer would be pilloried for misogyny.   I did a little research and discovered that most sex advice columns and sex blogs are written by women—who gleefully rip to shreds the male ego and anatomy.  What’s that all about?  And thank you for not doing it,”  Raymond, 47, California.

A.  You are right.  Women sex bloggers and advisers do, on the whole, come down pretty hard on the male sex—and they would be the first to shriek if men took them on in the same way.  (A few men do.  There are some angry, acid male bloggers but they don’t become widely popular.)

Men seem to be fair game in Western culture.  Sitcoms, movies and commercials feature an inordinate share of the clueless, emotionally tone-deaf husband or boyfriend and the hard-drinking, heartless player.  Tell your son to write a critique of the sex column.  Maybe he will start a men’s movement—one with balls.  The last men’s movement was all about crying together after playing wild man in the woods.  Yech.

And thank you for the thank you.

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

 

ROCKING THE CHICK--Sex (Toy) Tip of the Day

Photo Credit:  "Moon Water Creation" on Photobucket

 

Designed in the U. K., the Rock Chick generates more “love it”/”don’t get it” email than any other vibrator, including SaSi, the intelligent vibe that feels like a good tongue and remembers your responses--and some women say is too smart for its own good, whatever that means.  (Uhhmmm……love that SaSi.)  Rock Chick was one of the first vibes to provide simultaneous G spot and clitoral stimulation.  (Check out both vibrators at Babeland and, for my U.K. readers, Sh--Women's Erotic Emporium)

The simple U shaped design is self-explanatory.  Insert the hooked end (G spot) and press the other end against your clitoris.  Turn on.  (One speed only)  Hold in place with one hand if you’re lying down or get into a seated position, hands free.  Now rock your pelvis back and forth.  The Rock Chick is all about doing the grind.

Why doesn’t it work so well for some women?  I once puzzled over that.  Now I have figured it out.  They need music to get their motion going and sustain it.  So I created the simplest sex technique ever, easy as 1-2-3: 

 

Rocking The Chick

 

One morning while lying in bed listening to Dan Taylor on wcbsfm 101.1 (and he would probably be embarrassed to know this so keep it BTW), Rocking The Chick came to me.  Taylor’s voice is my weekday morning turn-on.  Every now and then he lowers his tone on a word in a sentence or a phrase introducing a song and I feel that voice as a sensual caress.  On this particular day, I picked up the Rock Chick from the basket of toys beside my bed.  The song was The Rolling Stones’ “Satisfaction”, one of my all-time favorite rock’n’roll songs.  And I just moved to the beat.

Incredible.  Three steps to ecstasy--

 

• 1.    Pick music that turns you on.
• 2.    Pick up the Chick and insert the hooked end
• 3.    Rock her

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

 

SEDUCTIVE VOICE--The Aural Science of Sex

 

Photo Credit:  "Music Tits" on Photobucket 
 

“Anyone who's ever listened to a Barry White record knows the sexual power of a deep male voice, but now a team of Pennsylvania researchers has found that women also lower their voices in order to seem more attractive,”  from a Carnal Nation article on a Pennsylvania voice study.

 

A small study (48 people) done at Albrecht College also caught the attention of Britain’s The Daily Mail, headlining “The husky voice of seduction:  A lower tone when speaking to the opposite sex is a ‘sure sign of attraction.’” (The Brit papers do a much better job of sex science reporting than the U.S. dailies.)  The study found that both men and women preferred a lower, more sultry voice in phone flirtation.  Hopefully, researchers will take this to the next level and study men and women interacting in person.  But phone flirting is a step up from sexting.

Another point in favor of lowering your voice:  Women with lower pitched voices are taken more seriously in the workplace.  According to various Western studies, both men and women with lower voices are judged to be warmer, more likable, honest, dominant and more likely to achieve. In Japan, however, women still elevate their vocal pitch both to seduce and to appear non-threatening in the workplace.

“The sound of a voice can communicate a wealth of biologically and socially important information to potential mates,” the Albrecht scientists concluded.

If you want to hear the masculine voice at its optimum—sexy, rich, warm, smart, funny, capable of inspiring you to get on with another day—dial up Dan Taylor, host of “The Morning Show” from 6 to 10 a.m. every weekday on WCBS FM 101.1 in New York City (or stream it online, wcbsfm.com). No voice, not even Barry White’s, has affected me like his does.  At first, I thought it was just the voice, but I realized no one could do what he does as well as he does it five days a week without having the character to back up the voice.

What woman has a voice to emulate?  Kathleen Turner, especially in “Body Heat”, Lauren Bacall, Angelina Jolie, Demi Moore.

I’m curious:  Has anyone ever talked you to (no hands) orgasm?  I would like to hear that story.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime