SexyPrime, a blog by Susan Crain Bakos

THE FINE LINE BETWEEN LUST AND HATE: Or, Why Spanking Was A Victorian Obsession Or, The Spanking Man Redux

 

[This is one of SexyPrime's most popular posts.  Would you like to know how to spank your lover?  Read this post.]

Spanking was the staple of Victorian era porn.  Hundreds of thousands of engravings, photographs and drawings survive.  And the novels!—with titles like Lady Bumtickler’s Revels.  One need not be a licensed psychologist to decipher the meaning behind this spanking fixation:  In a repressed society where sex is considered wicked and sinful, it must be punished.  

 

 Do you ever wonder if the renewed interest in erotic spanking today is more than an internet-fueled phenomenon--but has something in common with Victorian porn?  Does it reflect a desire to punish women for our sexual freedom?  Yes, of course, women are complicit in our own corporal punishment, just as we were when Queen Victoria dictated morality to the masses.  (Haven't women always excelled at punishing selves and other women?)

 

When I named Alex Zola “The Spanking Man,” I created a monster.  His ego on maximum overdrive, he reveled in the title.  It seemed to inspire him to greater heights of erotic betrayal as he revealed (on his blog and mine) more of the intimate secrets of the women he put over his knee—or occasionally choked.  Some of my readers wrote saying, “Enough Zola already!”  Some of his readers wrote saying, “We really don’t like that spanking stuff, not that we read it, of course.”

 

I moved on to a new partner in conversation, Todd Wooten.  Our discussions about sex and race seem to be resonating with readers.  Enough of Zola indeed. 

 

Then I got a long email from “L”, a woman who still wants “the truth from Zola.”

 

“In all your conversations, you never got to the heart of the matter.  You threw down the word ‘misogynist’ without making him own or refute it.  Are you hiding behind the non-judgmental pose?  Can a man spank a woman for two and a half hours unless he has a lot of anger toward women?  

 

“I ask, because it happened to me.”

 

On her behalf, I asked The Zola to reconstruct that marathon spanking session, the event that he jokingly refers to as “two and a half hours of corporal punishment that I will never live down.”

 

How did it start?

 

“I ran into Linda at Molly's Shabeen on Third Avennue, the Loser Bar.  We’d had a few, a condition which in the past led to some make-out sessions, including light spanking.  We left the bar at the same time.  She invited me over; and I thought, I’ll get laid tonight.

 

“I teased her about her spankable ass; and she said, ‘Oh, just whack it.’”

 

So you did for two and a half hours?!

I took an occasional break and tried to get her legs further apart.  She said, ‘No, spank me.’  I alternated hard and soft smacks and still tried to get her legs apart.  She said, ‘Spank me.’”

 

Long story short:  He lost his erection but kept spanking. With neither party kidding themselves that the spanking was “foreplay,” the punishment continued.  Didn’t that take the act out of the realm of “erotic spanking” and into ugly territory?  Finally, he said, ‘My arm is sore.’  She said, “When I get close to men, I feel nauseous.”  She threw up.  He turned the event into a big joke that he shared with his fellow “losers” at their bar, her bar too.

 

The story makes me squeamish; and the smirk on his face as he tells it doesn’t help.  So many unanswered questions!—like, Why didn’t you stop when you realized that you were not going ‘to get laid’? 

 

“Yes, I have a lot of anger toward women.  I was angry at her.  She had this push/pull, yes/no, desire/disgust attraction to me that made me mad.  I felt jerked around.  I knew she liked thin, suave Brazilian type guys; and I am none of that. 

 

“She wouldn’t open her legs.  She didn’t want to have sex with me.  ‘Smack me,’ she said; and I did.  I asked myself as I was whacking her, ‘Is this the best I can do—be with a woman who jerks me around?  Don’t I have anything more going for me than this?’  My own self-loathing kicked in and I kept whacking her.”

The afterplay—a.k.a., the bar jokes?

"I meant to be self-deprecating when I told the story to the guys at Molly's, but it came out, ‘Look how twisted and sick she is.’  That’s the underbelly of jokey snark.  You act like you’re making fun of yourself, but you’re sticking it to the person who is the real butt of the joke.  In retrospect, I came off looking bad too.  People must have walked away thinking, ‘Look how sick and twisted they both are.’”

The moral to this story:  Yes, only a misogynist could whack a woman’s ass for two and a half hours.  That some women are drawn to men who hate them is not news.  It’s a very old story, dressed up in currently stylish fashion for every generation.

We may find the story remarkable now because the women Zola whacks have accomplished more in the world and earn more money than he does.   Remember:  these babes are only playing at submission.  Even when the game turns rough, they are in control.  She denied him entry and threw up. 

"L”, I hope the “truth from Zola”, told at last without the smirk on his face, sets you free.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

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WOMEN ON TOP: Now Everybody Is Talking About Alpha Women/Beta Men

Photo credit:  "Man In Mask Of A Woman" by Ilhuicamina

 

The Zola and I are brunching at Maxie’s Grill (19^th Street between Park and Irving), glancing through the Sunday papers as we trade gossip—and suddenly there it is in our favorite tab, The New York Post:  “WOMEN ON TOP:  Men worry they’re falling behind in a ‘he-cession’—they’re right.”

 

“It’s alpha women/beta men!  We got there first!”  he says triumphantly.

 

So we did.  If you’ve missed our conversations and interviews, read them.  We’ve been talking about these issues for months.

 

“There’s been a lot of panic recently over the current state and uncertain future of the American male,” writes Maureen Callahan who says the panic is well-founded and the crisis is global, not just American.  About Japanese Gen-X men, she says, they “…live with their mothers, rely on porn and the internet for sex…and go to the bathroom like girls, sitting on the toilet to pee.”

 

“Didn’t I just say that beta men are the new girls!”  Zola exults.

 

Yes, you did; and you were quoting me. 

 

As he tucks into his herb and goat cheese egg white omelet and I enjoy my cheddar and bacon omelet (including the yolks), we exchange thoughts on the “collective identity crisis” resulting from the “severe social, cultural, sexual and familial anxiety crippling the modern man.”  Yes, we know men have lost more jobs than women in the recession, but let’s get to the sex part.

 

Zola thinks of himself as the spokesperson for the beta male, but he’s only one slice of that custard pie.

 

I’ve identified four beta male sexual types.  (Let me know if I’ve left anyone out.)

 

 

• THE PUSSY MAN

“She Comes First” by Dr. Ian Kerner is his bible.  Like Kerner, he became a cunnilingus expert because he was a premature ejaculator.  But nobody ever gave him Kerner’s follow-up book, “He Comes Next.”  Does he come?  Who knows?  He always goes straight for the pussy and stays there as long as the lady will permit.

 

 

“Do you suppose the Pussy Man is the same guy who sits down to pee?”--except in Japan where, apparently there is no pussy for him, only porn and Mom’s home cooking.

 

“Yes, without a doubt,” he says.  “There are two kinds of men who sit down to pee:  ex-junkies who are used to sitting down because they nodded off a lot when they were using, making the stand-up pee dangerous--and the pussy man.“

 

Not that there s anything wrong with eating pussy—I hasten to add.  A lot of women only come via cunnilingus or masturbation.  Any good male lover should be able to pass an oral exam.

 

“But you’ve gotta have game.  You have to be more than a one tool player.  The Pussy Man is a Designated Licker on the male sexual team.  He never gets to hit it out of the park.  The guy is only brought in for special situations.”

 

Hmmmm.  I am recalling a Pussy Man in my own past; and, yes, he was the DL.

 

 

• THE KINK PROVIDER

He services kinky women. While he may flatter himself that he’s the dominant male—he is only playing one from a script written for him by the woman in charge.  Often she uses him for a while, then drops him.  Zola, The Spanking Man, is a case in point.

 

 

Over a decade ago when I wrote Kink:  The Hidden Sex Lives of Americans—women were either professional doms or they demurred about why they were playing kinky.  Often they said, Oh, I’m doing it for him.  I ask Zola:  “You write about your Kinky Decade, your thirties, when your sex life was mainly being a kink provider for women.  Did the game change over ten years?

 

“A decade ago, women hinted at what they wanted, making suggestions, like ‘Why don’t we try this.?  Now it’s a command performance.  ‘Do this.’  ‘This is what I want; this is how I want it.’  “

 

Clearly, you are not in control, even though you play the dominant role as The Spanking Man.

 

“Dominant men never were in control, but it’s more obvious now.  Women aren’t embarrassed or shy about expressing their sexual desires.  The culture is supporting sexually empowered women.  It’s not supporting macho men.”

 

Ah, yes, Maureen Callahan says right here in the Post that Brad Pitt and Barack Obama are the new Real Men, caring, compassionate, devoted to their strong women—and powerful.

 

“Brad Pitt,” he grouses.  “I grew up thinking that we should all be like John Wayne, the tough guy”

 

I laugh.  The Macho Man is an object of derision or pity, at best he is a dinosaur.

 

 

• THE DUKE OF DENIAL 

He has the headache.  Or he’s too tired, too stressed for sex when she initiates it, which is more often than he does.  He’s the classic passive/aggressive man with a new twist.  Where once he would have come before she was barely aroused or scratched her clit when she finally got him to go down—now he just says, NO.

 

“It is another example of beta men being the new girls.  Girls say No.  Now boys say NO,” Zola says.  Maybe it is his power sex game. “

 

 He’ll say yes if she bribes him with a new toy—or strokes his ego?

 

“These guys aren’t getting a lot of ego strokes.”

 

He’s mean spirited, like he’s saying, You have the power in the world, but I won’t fuck you and there is nothing you can do about that.

 

“Part of  the same game.”

 

Women blame themselves or another woman or think he is depressed.  They’re not in on the game.

 

“Okay, he’s playing his game.  It makes him feel like he’s in charge.  How do I know what he’s doing?  Men don’t talk about it.  Can you imagine a guy bragging, ‘I don’t give her sex so I can be in charge?  They’d take his guy card away.  “

 

 

• THE CYBER DICK 

His sex life is masturbating to cyberporn.  He prefers the screen and his hand to the real live woman in his bed.  He’s in a sexless marriage.  The internet jerk-off  is number one on many women’s Sex Enemy list.  Some experts call it “addiction.”

 

 

Why would he rather do it alone with the computer screen than have real sex with a willing partner?  I ask Zola.  Women never get this.  We would choose the guy in bed over a cyber image.

 

“They fantasize acting out the hard core stuff,” he says.  “They can’t talk about it to their partners.

 

No.  There’s seldom a good way to ask a woman if she’d accept double anal penetration as long as she got to choose both dicks.  Oh, and yeah—you just want to watch.

 

“Hardcore is all about debasing women,” he says.

 

Casting woman as whore is thrilling to under-achieving men?

 

“Sometimes hardcore porn is women brutalizing other women,” Zola says  “Maybe the guy watching wants to brutalize women, but feels guilty about wanting that.  Having another woman do it gives him the arousal and the orgasm without the guilt.”

 

Go out there and find men like this to interview!  I tell him.  We’ve already got the Kink Provider story covered.

 

“It’s difficult to figure out what these new types are thinking because they don’t talk to anybody about it, not even to each other.  She might be crying to her friends about no sex, but he’s silent.

 

“See?  In their own way, these guys are the silent stoical John Wayne types.”

 

Men!  I order another Mimosa.  But we are not finished with this subject yet….Stay tuned.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WHAT GUYS IN BARS REALLY SAY ABOUT YOU, BABES: Or, Men Are Sexist, Deluded About How Much You Want Them--And Apt To Call You "Crazy"

The New York  Post asked on Tuesday, July 16, 2009:  “Why Do Women Date Jerks?”

 

“Why is it so easy for men to date above their pay grade with women who could do so, so much better” 

P

Photo credit:  "Preponderance" by Joey Kennedy

 

Many men dating above themselves are beta males, not jerks.  In fact, they may enrich a woman ‘s life.  And then there are the “nice guys”, an amorphous group of men who seem to treat a woman well enough but know how to get her where it hurts.

 

The Zola and I have moved from discussing his sexual proclivities—He is the Spanking Man—to analyzing the new power dynamics between men and women.   He concedes that he is the beta male, an under-achiever, dating---if “dating” is the word for spanking assignations—alpha women, high achievers who out-earn him.   What he has to say about these women often surprises me.  He may feign a respectful stance before them, but behind their backs—he cuts them down to less than his size, making jokes as he describes how they like to have sex (all the intimate, embarrassing, details). 

 

And he’s quick to attach the label “crazy” to any woman any time.

 

I’ve run The Zola interviews and conversations past several guys, in their early 20s through late 40s.   Another surprise:  Most concede that this is how many men, particularly under-achievers, do talk about women.   Certain types of independent women in every generation have brought out the meanness in American men.  Feminists in the Seventies.  Executive women in the Eighties.  Hillary Clinton in the 90s—and the 2000s.  Overtly sexual women in every decade.   In the early 21^st Century, dominant alpha women are the lightning rods.

 

Some men know how to hide their anger at women behind the “nice guy” façade.   I read Alex’s post “Too Nice A Guy"  on The Zola System—and I guessed the ending from the title.  (I was right.)   How many times have you heard a guy who’s not all that nice complain that women don’t appreciate “nice guys like me?”

 

I have Alex held captive somewhere in Gramercy Park.  “No wine, cheese and crackers for you until you answer all my questions honestly,” I say.  He looks hungrily at the cheese board.  If you’ve read these conversations before, you know he’ll crack soon—even without the cheese. 

 

“Let’s start with that title, Zola.  You’ve written a piece on how you and three other guys in an upscale bar “goofed on” —in other words, made fun of—a lovely woman whose greatest sin was probably the ability to buy her own drinks while subtly signaling an interest in one of the men.

 

“First, who is the ‘Too Nice Guy’?”

 

“Why me, of course,” he says, giggling.

 

“Okay, I want readers to get the full story in your post, but we have to do a short recap here.  Briefly, describe what happened in that bar when one egotistical guy, Bob, the bartender—who complains of ‘crazy women always chasing after my tattooed ass’— attempted to hand off one of his admirers to you.”

 

He’s eyeing the cheese.  There’s no need to water board Zola.

 

“She was a beautiful brunette with a perfect heart-shaped ass,” he says.  “At his urging, I went up to talk to her and found we had something in common—similar backgrounds.  I thought I had a chance to spank her ass.  But she got up, whispered to the bartender that I was ‘too nice a guy’ and left.”

 

Oh, yeah?  Too nice a guy?   

 

To Zola, the young woman was little more than a potential shapely ass across his lap.  He, his two drinking buddies and Bob indulged in “casual putdowns” of her after she left.  They called her “crazy”—though nothing in Zola’s own report of the non-event indicates that she behaved in the slightest way crazy, except perhaps for giving any of these guys the time of day. 

 

Men and women in bars dismiss one another for superficial reasons.  I’ve been out with women who turn their backs on a hopeful man if they don’t like his shoes or suit or haircut.  Most of the time, we all have two or three minutes to make a good impression on a stranger.  Good luck with that.  It’s a wonder anyone ever meets anyone else.

 

But I’ve never been out with women who made cruel fun of a guy or called him “crazy” unless he was guilty of some atrocious behavior, like touching, drooling, leering and talking loudly about the power of his cock, 

 

“Why,” I ask The Zola, “did you guys put this woman down and call her ‘crazy’?”

 

“She was indicating that she wanted a guy.  No coy games.  It was out and out.  She wanted Bob.  He didn’t want her.”

 

“By that reasoning, aren’t most men crazy?”

 

Zola laughs and replies, “By that reasoning, we’re all fucking nuts.” 

 

Thank you.  I let him reach for the cheese.

 

That reminds me of a discussion I had recently with a guy pal in his early forties.

 

“My dad called my mother ‘crazy’ whenever she nailed him on something he didn’t want to admit, like one of his affairs.   “’Crazy’ is the male accusation of last resort.  The word hurt my mother.  My wife, on the other hand, looks at me like I am the crazy one when I use it.”

 

For the four men in that bar, ‘crazy’ wasn’t the accusation of last resort.  It wasn’t even personal.   A woman had the power to pay for her own drinks while signaling a sexual interest in a guy.  They didn't like it.

 

Crazy, huh?

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

 

 

DOES HE TELL YOUR SEX SECRETS?: The Beta Man's Revenge On His Alpha Woman

 

The following conversation with The Zola (slightly edited) initially appeared as a guest post on his blog The Zola System.  Some women are FURIOUS with him.  Their anger is understandable.  Having your sexual proclivities described for the amusement of others is a far worse betrayal than his masturbating to hard core porn.  Tell me what you think.  I want to hear from alpha females and beta males on this subject.

Photo Credit:  "Lips" by Dave Sewell

Does the loyalty Zola proclaims he has to friends not extend to former, and sometimes current, lovers?  Will he descrbe any intimate situation to get attention or a laugh? 

Here is the bottom line question:  Is Alex so willing to lay out these women naked in their sexual needs for our amusement because they’re alpha babes and he’s a beta male—and is this his way of leveling that playing field?

We are sitting in a Third Avenue pub that when I ask him,

“Alex, tell me a sex story about one of your girls, one that I haven’t heard.”  (I've heard many, many of them.) 

Grinning, Alex rises to the bait.

“I was dating Jenna, the hot brunette who also went out with older guys.  In fact, she preferred older guys in a relationship context, but she was happy to play with me.  One day she came into my bar, wearing a tight, short dress.  I leaned over to kiss her and she said, ‘Not on the mouth.  I just had a date.’

“The ‘date’ was riding in a car to the airport with a corporate lover headed to London on business.  She gave him a blow job in the car.

“She tells me this and says, ‘I’m so horny.  Would you take me into the bathroom and fuck me?’

“Did you?”  I ask.

He didn’t because the bar was way too small and too crowded for discretion.  Plus, the owner was on premise that night. 

“So, no.  I sent her to my apartment, told her to cuff herself to the bed post  and sealed the deal later on.”

Alex, I ask, why do you tell me all these sex stories?  I was really surprised at what he divulged over dinner with our friend Jessica last week.  He promises women nondisclosure; and then he discloses.  Where is the gallantry, the chivalry in a man who thinks of hiimself as a gentleman?

‘You’ve often told me that you won’t spill the secrets of patrons in your bars.  They come in with mistresses; you act like you haven’t seen them lately when the return with the wives.  They tell you stories but you keep their confidence.  You are loyal to drinkers.”

Is there no loyalty to lovers?

“Part of my business as a bartender is discretion,” he says as if that explains this.

“You know how to be discreet.  Why not apply it to your sex life?”

“I don’t tell everything, just the more interesting details.”

Sometimes I want to thump him on the head.  Yeah, he tells exactly the details the girls would rather keep private--like the one about his lover who likes to be choked.

“Women talk all the time,”  he says defensively.

Post "Sex and the City",  men know that, Yes, women talk. 

“Women share stories for validation, information, emotional support—sometimes to laugh at an adventure in bad sex,” I say.  “If a woman is really into a guy, she doesn’t tell those kinds of details--and if she does, only to BFFs.  She might talk disparagingly about his sexual skillis if she’s not going to sleep with again or sex  trash her ex—but if she’s crazy about her lover, she’s not putting all his little proclivities out there on the table for analysis and grins.”

“You tell the most intimate details for attention and laughs,” I say.  “You have told me a lot of stories about women when you were still with them, like the girl you thought you might marry.  You made fun of her sexual technique!  I don’t think you’d find women making fun of the guy they plan to marry.

“Girl sex talk can be hard on men, but not The Man.”

“It goes like this,” he says, his face closing up as his defenses harden.  “I’m a raconteur.  I can’t resist a good story.  It’s a personal failing.”

“You can resist a good story if it’s telling on your bar buddies or yourself,” I tease. 


“Not recently.” 

True.  Under my questioning, he's told more on himself recently than most people do in a lifetime.  I suddenly realize that my work here is nearly done.  For two years I’ve been beating him up.  Why?  I knew that he could really write if he started being honest with himself—and got out of The Loser Bar where he was spending three or four hours a night downing shots and beers with with snarky under achievers. 

“With the help of Jessica’s breasts [which mesmerized him], I’ve broken you down,” I say.  “You can no longer tell a lie to yourself.”

Once again, I ask the question, albeit in a slightly different way: “Don’t you value your lovers?”

“Some, yes.” 

“Some.  I see a pattern.  You betray the alpha females in your life, don’t you?”

“Some.  Yes, maybe.  In a way, I would say Yes.  Specifically the ones who attempted to exert the most control outside the bedroom.  Telling their sex secrets is purely reactive. But I like the raconteur explanation better.”

“Oh, no!  No easy out. You’re on to something here.”

He looks pained.

“You let them lead in many ways, but you get back at them for having so much power.  Most women would consider your describing in detail how they like to be fucked as the ultimate betrayal.”

Still pained, but not enitrely conceding, he doesn’t look me in the eye.

“Let’s turn it around:  She’s telling her friends what you like and how you do it, but with a comedic spin.  How do you feel?”

“It’s the only way you can tell my sex life.  With a comedic spin.”

Drum roll, please.

“Nice joke, Zola, but really.  She’s entertaing friends at brunch right now with your sex story.  Your dick comes off shrunken and shriveled.”

“She’s got that right…”

“Truly, how do you feel?”

As I watch him squirm on his bar stool before downing a shot, I know I am seeing open heart surgery of the emotional kind.  The heart of the alpha woman/ beta  man is a secret sexual equation.  This is where he can get back, like Jon, the presumably cheating spouse of the reality show “Jon and Kate Plus Eight.”  Jon lost job; Kate wrote successful books and traveled to promote them, leaving Jon home and in charge of the twins and sextuplets.  How did they think revenge adultery would not follow?  Alex is pulling apart the bones of his chest and exposing the weak heart of his loves inside.

Alex says, “Keep in mind, this is a frat boy context, locker room talk….”

“Aging guylander, Gen X-er having trouble growing up, beta male?”

“Basically, I would agree to all that.”

“So, you’re telling me that the answer to the question, why aren’t you loyal to your lovers is–”

“It’s a problem with the repressed jock culture.  If we’re not snapping each other with towels, we’re bragging about our conquests.”

“Oh, no, you haven’t been a jock in years.  And it’s meaner than that.”

“It’s an anger at the position of the beta male, the way the culture has changed…”

He stares into his beer.

“We’re trying to play Ms Pac-Man forever and everybody has moved on to the X Box.”

Okay.  Lame.  But he gets it now.  He knows what he’s doing and it goes beyod equalizing the balance of power by playing The Spanking Man in the bedroom.  She participates willingly in that power exchange.  He really beats her down, gets her back when he tells her erotic story the way he tells bar jokes.

Alex knows why he tells.  Knowing yourself is a tough and dangerous business.  You can’t be a really good writer if you don’t.  But why do women ever trust him?

After posting this piece on The Zola System, I asked a dozen guys, beta males, who they tell and what they tell.  The answers were shocking:  When it comes to talking about their lovers, they are clones of Zola.  They tell.  They tell all.  While a woman might tell all only to her BFFs, these guys are putting it out there for public consumption.

Explain yourselves, Beta Boys.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

Zola Confesses To A Pair Of Sumptuous Breasts: Sex, Money and Lies, the Conversations

My guy pal and frustrating mentee Alex Zola and I are out with Jessica, a mutual friend visiting from the Midwest.  A psychologist and life coach, she specializes in working with men and women who have difficulty meeting each other.  Yes, there are people who don’t even have pick-up lines.  After leaving two packed restaurants because real New Yorkers don’t wait on line, we end up at The Black Duck on 28^th Street between Park and Lex.  It isn’t over-crowded; we can talk.  (The food is excellent.)

 

And Alex does talk.

 

Jessica is a Marilyn Monroe look-alike.  Many men babble in her presence.  The Zola, however, with no overt encouragement from her, describes exactly how his last girlfriend liked to be fucked. He’s repeatedly told me he promised her that he wouldn’t talk about their sex life.  Having known him for many years, I take all his nondisclosure agreements with a grain of salt.  Just like a blabby girl, he spills secrets he promised not to reveal.  Yet I am still surprised to hear him, with little prodding, tell us just where poor little Chrissie liked to be poked.  Who expects a man to tell sex details like a woman does?  (Yes, it's true:  Men talk as much as women do, given the opportunity.)

 

Our conversation is already focused on kink—the strangest sexual behavior Jessica read or heard about or I witnessed as a sex journalist. 

 

“I saw photos of women tied up like roasts, basted with oil and tied to barbecue spits,” she says, her big blue eyes open wide.

“I watched a dom spend three hours putting a man in a rubber suit into extreme bondage,” I say.  “He breathed through straws inserted into his nostrils.”

Alex suddenly says, “You remember Chrissie?”

I nod.  She’s the pretty girl who dumped him in March.  I usually remember the spankees' names for three months.  Well, not always.

“She liked extreme bondage and hot wax,” he says.

Jessica’s eyes light up because she loves the sexual confessions.  I look slightly askance at Alex.  He ignores the look and continues to describe Chrissie’s sexual predilections. 

“She liked her hands tied tightly behind her back, wrists bound together, fingers splayed out.  She begged me to pour hot red wax—always red wax—all the way down her back to the tattoo at the top of her crack.  Then she asked to be flogged until the red lines from the whip matched the red wax.”

“Wow,” Jessica says, laughing. 

“Then she wanted me to masturbate, turn her over and come on her face.”

They continue to chat about Chrissie; and I sip my wine—a fine Aligote from Washington state; Zola knows his wine.  This is not the first time Zola has ratted out an ex-lover.  I remember hearing him make fun of another lover whom, he said, moved side to side rather than up and down on his penis in rear entry position.  I wonder how he would feel about the women in his past speaking disparagingly—and for the sake of a laugh—about what he did after his pants came off.  Also I wonder:  How funny might those stories be?

Where is the loyalty he’s always proclaiming he has for friends?  Does it not apply to former lovers?  Will he do anything for the sexual laugh at their expense?  Is Alex so critical of these women because they’re alpha babes and he’s a beta male—and is this his way of leveling that playing field?  These judgmental questions do not stop me from drilling for more details.

“Did Chrissie also like to be spanked?” I ask.  (Regulars readers of both our blogs know that Alex has an erotic specialty, spanking.)

“Oh, yes, she did!”  He is relishing the tale.  “She also liked a riding crop across her ass.”

“What did she do for a living, Alex?  I forgot.”

“She’s a corporate VP.”

Right.  Another Alpha babe.  Zola has been through a string of those, albeit in relationships so brief, there was no time for relating.  Jessica explains that high-powered women often like to be treated rough in the bedroom.   Apparently, he’s got that part down.

“It releases some of the tension they hold in their bodies from power positions at work.”

But why do they turn to beta males for erotic discipline?

“That’s a good one,” Zola says.  “Maybe it’s because we’re readily available and willing.  Some alpha men want the same treatment.”

A much smaller percentage of alpha men than women want their butts whipped; and the men pay doms to get it done right.  They don’t want to risk their authority and power status with the women they actually know.  In fact, male submissives are generally betas. 

“I’m the spanker, not the spankee,” Zola says, putting his hands up in mock protest.

This is the essential Zola dichotomy.  He lets an alpha woman ask him out, pick up the check and generally call the shots.  Then he takes down her panties, puts her over his knee—and wallops her.   Hearing about it messes with my head.   A dominant male is, or should be, a dominant male.  I don’t like my gender confused.  

“Do you like spanking women, Alex?”  Jessica asks.

He gives his demurring answer:  the ambivalent shrug followed by the protestation that he’s only supplying the kink they crave.

“But do you enjoy it, Alex?”  she persists, crossing her lovely long legs and leaning forward across the tiny table so that he cannot fail to drop his eyes to her lush cleavage.  “Well?” 

“I do,” he finally confesses.

At last!  The truth.  It only took an extraordinarily beautiful woman’s breasts to get it out of him.

But here is my question:  “Zola, what do these women see in you?”

Jessica laughs.  Zola blushes.  I want the answer. 

“Well?”  I demand.  “I want to know.”

“Well, thanks, Sus.”

“Control,” Jessica answers for him.  “She can control him in the areas that are important to her, like making social plans and, later perhaps, deciding on how and where they would live if they got married.  But she can trust him erotically in that power exchange.” 

The Zola nods.  He seems satisfied.  I, however, am not.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

CONVERSATIONS: SEX, MONEY AND LIES, The Sex Part

Alex Zola and I are sitting at Maxie's Grill (19th Street between Park Avenue and Irving) drinking wine and talking about the lies that men and women tell.  

Alex has great stories about male money braggarts (including him).  I don't think he realizes that women are lying about money now too; and I'm not going to tell him.  He might date a girl who is trying to impress him with her imaginary trust fund or exaggerated salary and bonus package; I won't blow her cover and wise him up.

 

So we talk about sex lies.  

 

“Men lie more about sex than women do,” Alex says.

 

 “Oh, really?  Why do you say that?”

 

 “Men lie about how many women they’ve had; they lie to other guys.  They lie to girls too.  Where sex is concerned, everybody lies to everybody.”

 

 “Ha!  Women lie about their numbers to men.  They tell the truth to other women.  Did you never watch 'Sex and the City', Alex?"

"Of course I did, but it was television.  Men lie about having sex with specific women.  They claim they've slept with certain women that they never have."

"Omigod, I can relate to that.  We were just talking about it last week when I told you that so many musicians and regulars at St. Nicks Pub were claiming they'd slept with me after I was mugged there.  Why do men do this?"

"It's a learned behavior from high school," he says; and I groan.  Men never get out of high school.

He asks me:  "What are the big sex lies women tell?"

"Oh, that's easy.  I came.  It was wonderful.  You're so big.  Nobody else ever found my G spot."

"What percentage of women really do lie about orgasm?" he asks; and he doesn't seem particularly concerned about the answer.

"What is your guess?"  I ask him.

"Thirty percent," he says; and I giggle.  I cannot stop giggling.  "Fifty percent?"  he asks.  Raucous laughter.  "I don't know.  That's why I'm asking you!"

"Studies vary, but it's like 75%, 80%, 85% or more, depending on how the question is phrased.  If the question is: Have you ever faked orgasm?  The answer is:  Almost 100%.  If the question is:  Do you fake orgasm?  It's down to 75% or so.  That's across the board, young women, older women, married women, single women. Recently  Women's Health magazine (read by women under 40) reported that 80% of their readers said they faked orgasm.  

Women fake orgasm! (And usually they say they do it to end the sex.)  Get over it, men.

"So, Alex, how many women do you think have faked orgasm with you?"

"Realistically?  All of them."

I am laughing.  He's joking, right?  No man thinks his lovers fake.  Could Alex be that one wise man?

"I saw 'When Harry Met Sally' more than once.  Most men lie that every woman comes with them.  I know better."

Men lie about nailing someone they never nailed; women lie about having an O they never had.  What else are men and women lying about in bed?

"Men lie about sex acts, specifically they say they've had anal sex and threesomes," he says.

Ah, the very acts women deny.  Both men and women lie about how hot their sex lives are.  The myth of Hot Monogamy was dependent on married people saying they had great hot sex all the time.

"As a bartender, I have a lot of stories about sex lies, mostly cheating spouses."

Yes, almost everybody lies about cheating.  The alternative is sexual honesty through swinging or polyamory--just too politically correct in liberal circles, too white bread and suburban.  Boring. People lie about their fantasies, especially women who don't understand that a rape or SM fantasy is not a wish or desire.  It just means she wants to be overcome by passion.  Men lie about Internet porn use. 

"Yeah, men lie about Internet porn use.  When they get caught by their wives, they pull a David Ducovney and say, 'Baby, I'm a sex addict; I'll get help."

In that same Women's Health survey, one in five men watch porn daily.  Jay Leno jokes on "The Tonight Show":  "The other four watch it hourly."

Maybe the question really is:  Does anybody tell the truth about sex?  Who can we trust?

"Can we really trust Kinsey?" Alex asks.

Yes, Kinsey's sex interviews and Masters and Johnson's early lab research are trustworthy.  It's the men and women we know that we can't trust.

"What kind of sex lies have you told women?" I ask him.

He hesitates and finally says, "I"m trying to think.  There's so many."

"Can you narrow it down to one or two?"

"i've never tried that.  Or, no, I don't have interest in that--Why, do you?  And:  No, I've never spanked anyone before."

Oh, well.  I take a swallow of wine.  Does Alex realize that lie isn't going to work anymore?

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

SHOULD THE SPANKING MAN TEACH HIS ART?: Zola Adapts To His Newfound Infamy--Has Been Asked To Teach A Spanking Seminar--And Wants You To Tell Him What To Do Next

Every now and then Alex Zola annoys the hell out of me.  Friday was one of those days.  After delighting in the fact that he was recognized on the street as “The Spanking Man,” bragging about his sky-rocketing blog numbers from the interview posts, sending everyone he ever met the link to his chat with Crystal Bougon on Better Sex radio—The Zola said:  “I’m not entirely comfortable with my new image.”

Not two minutes later, he was excitedly telling me that my pal Steve Otero at Sexy Spirits wants him to teach a spanking seminar.

“Should I do it?” he asked, that carefully cultivated look of agonized reflection upon his boyish face.  

“No,” I said, because I can’t resist letting all the air out of his ego when he gets like this.  “You should take down all the interview posts, announce to your readers that you will never discuss your Kinky Decade or answer to Spanking Man again—and go back to being the lone sniper on the bar stool [which is how I characterize his writing when he’s snarky about other people, like the women he’s dated].”

He was crestfallen and soon petulant.

But that was Friday.  It’s Monday and we’re friends again.  I’ve made him suffer enough.  Now it’s your turn.  Tell us what you think Alex should do about his new image as the Spanking Man—and should he teach that workshop or not?

 

SUSAN:   Are you really conflicted about becoming known as The Spanking Man?  Or were you just trying on an attitude in preparation for your future as a media guest?

ALEX:   What?  Are you trying to mug me like Mike Wallace?  Every now and then I do have a little conflict about what I’m doing.  One two-hour incident of corporal punishment—and I’m marked for life.  Then somebody passes me on the street, makes that little circular motion with the hand—and I think, "Hmmm, I might just be on to something here."

 

SUSAN:  Admit it:  You love the limelight—and stop blaming me for pushing you into it.

ALEX:  Okay, from now on, I’ll blame society. I like the limelight I have.  I’m grateful I’m not Brad Pitt.

 

SUSAN:  By acknowledging your kinky side, you have moved into new territory with your writing.  It takes more courage to put yourself out there than it does to shoot down other people.  So much writing on the web is snark—judgment without investigation.   Writers cop an attitude .  They think of themselves as ironic, but for the most part, they are just snide, mean-spirited little men.  Yes, they are typically men.  And, yes, I suspect they have small dicks.  What do you have to say about this category of blogger now that you’ve taken The Zola System to a more interesting place?

ALEX:   Snark has its place if it’s interesting, but most people who are snarking are not interesting.  New journalists like Hunter Thompson, Lester Bangs and more recently bloggers like Tucker Max snark in an intriguing way.  Most of the imitators don’t have the intellectual discipline or cultural awareness to make snarky comments that resonate with readers.

 

SUSAN:  You are more interesting now that you have a more fully exposed character on the blog.  Hasn’t the response to the interviews I did with you been largely positive?

ALEX:   With that singular exception, absolutely positive.  A lot of my readers are women; and they love the kinky posts.  Nobody has asked me to spank them yet, but the persona is young.

 

SUSAN:   Where did you learn how to spank, Alex?

ALEX:  A girl told me what to do.  The first girl I spanked said, “I like it this way.”  Then spanking became trial and error.  I realized I had it down properly when spanking sessions became shorter, more focused and rather erotic for both of us.

 

SUSAN:  What’s your secret technique?

ALEX:  We’re talking about spanking here; we’re not talking about wine varietals.  There aren’t many ways to do this.  You can cup the hand or not.  You have to slap the buttocks, not the middle.  Stay away from the smile; go to the cheeks.  It’s about the anticipation of the blow and the sound when it hits, not usually about corporal punishment.  My secret is to pay attention and continually figure out what my partner likes—and then see if I can’t push her into another direction that she might enjoy as well.

 

SUSAN:  And what direction would that be, Alex?  Are you talking about pushing her limits—or pushing her to give you a blow job?

ALEX:  I’d like to think I’m pushing for a blow job, but with my luck, it’s usually her limits we’re pushing.  And she wants them pushed.  That is the key.

 

SUSAN:  The sex and dating posts are but a part of your blog.  What’s the downside to embracing this new image?

ALEX:  Thus far, there hasn’t been, but I’m assuming eventually there will be.  I’m worried about turning off readers for other posts.  The Zola System is becoming a blog-azine, not a blog spot.  I cover Detroit and New York City, sports and music, weirder world events, colorful urban characters—and always from a Post Urban Culture perspective.  [See interview two for PUC; The Zola Interviews are all categorized under ALEX ZOLA.]

 

SUSAN:  Women get stuck in the sex writer category, but men don’t.  When a woman writes about her sex life, she’s discounted as a serious writer.  Men, on the other hand, are lauded for the effort.  I don’t see how this can damage you.  Am I wrong?

ALEX:  No, you’re absolutely correct.  Upon further review, there isn’t.  I’d like to end up like a modern day Henry Miller, like Walter Mosley.

SUSAN:  One of my favorite writers!  I loved his mysteries and was thrilled when he did an erotic novel.  Aim high, Zola.

 

Write to us and answer the burning questions:

What do you think about The Spanking Man image?

Should Alex teach a spanking workshop?  (And do you want a discount if he does?)

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

THE KINKY ROMANTIC: The Spanking Man, Alex Zola, Exposes "The Underbelly of His Cynicism"

The generally accepted definition of erotic spanking is:  Spanking for sexual gratification, using the hand or a variety of implements.  The art of spanking has been practiced for centuries  The ancient classic Kama Sutra lovingly described the sounds of slaps.  My courageously outspoken pal Alex Zola, The Zola System, has acknowledged that he spent his thirties as a provider of kink for the women who love it--and that his sex life for the past year has been one spanking girl and "some sloppy Wedding sex."

 

My post on The Spanking Man  received a lot of attention--most positive, but some from outraged women.  One attacked me on Alex's Facebook page (where he promoted the blog) as a pornographer.  She hadn't read the piece and objected to the photo image of a lovely female ass, a male hand poised above it.  "His thumb is clearly aimed for her anus!" she wrote.  She refused to read the piece where she would have learned that the thumb had no such trajectory.  No surprise.  Most people clamoring for censorship don't read what they castigate and would outlaw.  But this story has a happy ending.  James, a male reader rushed to my defense and told her she needed a good spanking.  She dis-friended Alex. Isn't it always the most repressed who are also the most perverted? 

Alex, who confides he prefers a firm butt because the sounds of the slaps echo, wants women to know that he is a romantic, albeit a kinky romantic. He pays for dinner, buys flowers, and some years ago was in the habit of leaving breakfast--a tea bag in a coffee cup and a muffin--with flowers outside a girlfriend's apartment door.  ("We had a good sex life, a normal sex life with a little spanking and some fisting mixed in.")

Once again, I question Alex.

 

SUSAN:  I defined you as a "kinky romantic" in one of our interviews.  After The Spanking Man post, some women wrote and asked me, "Where's the romance in spanking?'  So, Alex, that's my first question to you:  Where is the romance in spanking?

 

ALEX:  It's not quite serenading her beneath the window with a red rose in hand.  Although it appears to be violent, spanking has nothing to do with violence.  As anyone who has ever been mugged in New York City knows, violence is short, terrifying and paralyzing in equal measures.  Spanking is a power exchange.  In dating and mating, women have all the power.  They have so much that they can afford to give a little away now and then.

 

SUSAN:  A woman who wants to be spanked is handing over some power to you--correct?

 

ALEX:  Yes.  There's something romantic about giving a woman what she desires.  Bringing her fantasy to life is utterly romantic.

 

SUSAN:  Okay, there's some truth--and charm--in that.  But why are American women fantasizing domination now?  

 

ALEX:  Americans firmly believe in the American dream and have embraced the Wollstonecraft version of feminism.  Women are making greater strides in the workplace as men are becoming both equal partners and lesser earners.  Spanking and other BDSM games may be a manifestation of the need for male/female role play.

 

SUSAN:  That reminds me of a discussion we had about non-penetrative sex orgies.  I was invited to one (and declined).  Sex without any form of penetration seems like a sensible thing for strangers to do in terms of cutting down disease risks.  But it doesn't appeal to me.  [Orgies don't appeal to me; I'm such a one-on-one-at-a-time woman.]  Women crave penetration--whether we come that way or not--and men want to penetrate--because they always come that way.  Penetration speaks to a deep need in both sexes.  Let's not forget that lesbians popularized dildos and vibrators.  Do you think spanking is a viable way for a woman to feel like she's with a real man--when she chooses not to have intercourse for one reason or another?

 

ALEX:  I prefer not to think of spanking as the whole act--at least not going in.  When she says "I'd like to be spanked," I'm thinking:  kinky foreplay.

 

SUSAN:  But spanking was the whole game with the woman we've been talking about in these interviews--and with other women.

 

ALEX:  Yes, that wasn't my idea.  But let me make one thing clear:  Most of the women I've spanked have wanted a few slaps or maybe five minutes, not two hours.  She was an anomaly.

 

SUSAN:  You generally spank women in their twenties to maybe 40--which is consistent with the culture where that seems to be the age group asking for the whip hand.  Do you think that women under 40 want to be spanked more than older women do or did--or they're just more willing to ask for it?

 

ALEX:  They might be more willing to ask for it.  There's always been an interest in BDSM.  

 

SUSAN:  Bettie Page, the famous bondage model in the 50s, did a fair amount of spanking photos and reels, but she looked like she was in on the joke.  She didn't convey a passion for spanking or being spanked.  A famous movie scene in "Woman of the Year" in 1942 where Spencer Tracy spanked Katharine Hepburn was tongue-in-cheek--but, again, still doesn't seem all that sexual even reading today's context into it.  The overt sexualizing of spanking is a fairly recent phenomenon.

 

ALEX:  Yeah, it used to be covert, now it's overt--like from the Cold War to Guantanamo Bay.

 

SUSAN:  Again, doesn't that reflect our increasing comfort with violent even if the act is only symbolically so?

ALEX:  Acceptance of violence is part of the culture.  Quentin Tarrantino has made a career out of romanticizing violence.  "True Romance," "Pulp Fiction," "Natural Born Killers" which he helped write--aren't these ultimate American romance/violence films?  Spanking is a simple consensual act between two adults, not romantic violence.

SUSAN:  Remember Lisa Kudrow's Phoebe character in "Friends" confiding that she liked an occasional gentle spanking?  And Madonna's "Hanky Panky" song?  Spanking, as they say, is the new cuddling.

ALEX:  [Laughing,]  Who knew that a couple of whacks on the ass would draw this much attention?

 

SUSAN:  More than a couple...more like a couple hours.  Women have commented on that too.  As one woman wrote:  "A few slaps on the ass are sexy; two hours is corporal punishment."  I must admit that I relate the two hour spanking session to Victorian porn with its flagellation obsession.   Porn from that period is easy to analyze:  A sex-fearing, sex-hating culture wielding the whip against people who liked sex.  SO...Is spanking a way of putting sexual women in their place?

 

ALEX:  Maybe, for some women, but not for most.  I see three categories of women who like to be spanked:  women into serious pain, utter masochists; those with psychological issues who want to be punished for being sexual; and the majority of women who want a little more intensity, who are comfortable in pushing the envelope.

 

SUSAN:  And the spanking girl?

 

ALEX:  Well, she said she was bad.

 

SUSAN:  Do you think that women are "badder" than men?

 

ALEX:  They like to think so.

 

SUSAN:  Will a romantic comedy ever be built around your marathon spanking session?

 

ALEX:   "Exit to Eden" was so bad.  Surely some good romantic mainstream comedy will come out of the mainstream BDSM scene.

 

SUSAN:  One last question:  How long before Spanking Girl could sit down following your session?  And did you call the next day to inquire about the condition of her ass?

 

ALEX:  She seemed able to sit down the next morning after yoga.  I was still in her apartment.

 

SUSAN:  Wait a minute--you stayed over after she threw up?

 

ALEX:  I had to pass out somewhere.  The good news:  She was sitting fine on a bar stool at Mollys just an hour ago, next to the woman I was chatting up.

 

SUSAN:  Alex, as interest in these interviews builds and they become more and more widely read--do you think you'll ever get laid again?

 

ALEX:  I'm looking for a woman who doesn't Google.  [And as he walked out the door]:  I'm going back to that bar to see if the new woman Googles.

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

THE SPANKING MAN: Does He Make The Case That Women Are Kinkier Than Men?

Photo credit: The Sex Bible (newly released in paperback!)

  

Are women kinkier than men?

I posed that question as a "Quickie" on Fabulously40  where I have a new Friday column. 

Overwhelmingly, women responded:  Yes!  Some married women complained that their husbands were "dull" or "boring" or "stuck in the old tried and true, which isn't so tried and true anymore"-- while they would like to explore their kinky sides.

I asked the question of my pal Alex Zola (The Zola System) and that resulted in a long interview on Sexy Prime in which he talked about the last decade of his sex life, mostly spent in being a kink provider for the women who love it.

 

Spanking is Alex's erotic specialty; and women, as previously noted in a post here, just wanna' be spanked.  (Several readers wrote asking for spanking directions, which inspired another post.)

 

I met Alex for burgers and red wine at Maxie's Grill where we discussed the responses to that burning question:  Are women kinkier than men?

 

"Married women have written to me asking if you'd spank them," I said.  "What do you think of that?"

 

"If communication is one of the elements of a good marriage, things are not good out there," he said.  When pushed, he insisted, "I'm not a homewrecker.  They should call me when they get divorced."

 

I asked him how he keeps his spanking hand in shape; and he said, "I go out to my local pub, Mollys, order two shots, throw back one and pour one on my hand."

 

Babes (and the men who service them), tell me about your kink.  Are we kinkier than men?  If you want to be spanked, does your husband or boyfriend know that?  

 

Let's discuss.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

THE KINKY DECADE: Alex Zola Reflects On His Thirties And Figures Out Why He's Not Married At 40

Photo Credit:  Alex throws down three card monte in Manhattan by Karen Sterling.

Other men have told me similar stories about dating in the city, but only Alex is bold enough to go on record. Here he is in our fourth interview which may be the nadir of his sex life. (Soon I will be asking for donations to the Buy Alex A Date fund.) Alex Zola, writer/bartender and blogger (The Zola System), is one of those guys some girl would have married a decade ago back in the Midwest—had he not been mired in increasingly frustrating dating in Manhattan.

When he came to the city as an 18 year old freshman, New York University, he reveled in “a target rich environment, beautiful girls everywhere, why choose one?” In the past decade, he’s had one relationship with the potential for marriage. She broke up with his voice mail two days after breaking their date for New Year’s Eve. (While he was at work, she picked up the things she’d left in his apartment, including some Christmas gifts to him, and dropped off the keys with the doorman—all a fait accompli as she left the voice message.)

Other than that one foray into “serious relationship”, he’s been a provider of kinky acts for the women who love them. Yes, women ask to be spanked, whipped, paddled, choked, fisted, tied up—in one case, she begged him to chain her to the radiator in his apartment room and leave. Women control the sex scene in the city. We go after what (and whom) we want; and a lot of women are at least a little bit kinky.

But my first question to Alex is:

Why is that what you have attracted for a decade? There are still women out there who want to have oral sex and intercourse, with perhaps an occasional slap to the ass.

Alex: I honestly don’t know. I tried having the “Into Kink” tattoo removed from my forehead. Apparently that didn’t work. About that girl and the radiator: It was May, not heating season. And she was on Real Sex 28. She was hot, an erotic performance artist.

Susan: Not gonna’ let you get off with that “I don’t know how the kinky girls find me” explanation!

Alex: It could be the energy that people radiate. I must give off a vibe.

Susan: Yes, I think so. You’re a little bit misogynist. Women who want to be disciplined tap into that. On the other hand, women like the one you briefly considered marrying don’t pick up that vibe. She was a dom. I remember that she left you with a memorable 112 item Honey-Do List.

Alex: She used to tell me that she was thinking of making a life with me but things had to change. So I once said to her: Choose three or four things that you want me to fix in my apartment. I’ll see if I can get them done before you come down next weekend. She gave me a Honey Do list of 112 things. Two full pages, back and front. A few small points: Change brands of toothpaste, toilet paper and soap and categorize loose change by denomination instead of throwing altogether in jar. Jesus. I was thinking I could paint and clear out one of the closets for her.

Susan: You were the odd couple, both trying to force a relationship. Frankly, I thought you were behaving like a woman, trying to make something out of clearly nothing. I remember meeting the two of you for dinner; and you had your head down most of the meal, looking miserable, while she talked about all the changes you had to make in that apartment.

Alex: I even bought some skirts, not for me, mind you. Now I wonder what the fuck I was thinking. Maybe I was afraid of ending up alone. I don’t know. There was no humor in her; and that was probably the worst thing.

Susan: After she dumped you, there’s only been the spanking girl, right?

Alex: Yes, the spanking girl and some sloppy wedding sex with a bridesmaid and a post dinner-date kiss or two. That was the Sex Life of Alex Zola, 2008.

Susan: A lot of people commented on the spanking story in an interview I did with you posted on my blog, SexyPrime. You never had “sex” with her, just a few spanking dates, one lasting two hours. Ouch!

Alex: She said, Spank me. Spank me harder. Keep spanking me. What else could I do? I’m a gentleman. I spanked her. She told me that she gets nauseous when she gets close to somebody.

Susan: Ah, ha! There’s an obvious disconnect between two people if the entirety of their sexual expression is spanking (or any other single kinky act.) Her acknowledgement of nausea is telling. Did you ever make her throw up?

Alex: She threw up once; and she hadn’t been drinking that much. We made out for an hour and a half, I spanked her for two hours and as I tried to undress the rest of her—she got up, went into the bathroom and vomited. I thought: Boy, I have to hit the gym if I’m having this effect on women.

Susan: She threw up when you took off your clothes?

Alex: No. But it did make me think about what her gag reflex might be like.

Susan: No BJs? [Alex shakes his head: No.] Did you ever get to see her breasts?

Alex: Yes, I did.

Susan: Was that the last time you saw her?

Alex: Yes. As I left she said, “I’m going to be mean to you now.” It’s sad that she can’t make a human connection beyond having someone whack her rear end.

Susan: Oh, my, Alex, when did you get into this pattern of being a kink provider for women?

Alex: The Real Sex girl. She was into whipping. I used a belt. She gave me a paddle once. She called it “getting a beating.” One time after a wedding, we were in a cab and she said, “Alex, I need a beating. Do it here.”

Susan: A lot of guys would have paid the cab driver and gotten out. What did you do?

Alex: I spanked her. When she asked, “Why am I bad?” I said, “Jesus, you’re bad because if you wanted me to do this in a cab, you could have worn a skirt not jeans.” The poor cabbie was from Pakistan or India and dumbfounded.

Susan: So. The experience left you hungry for more kinky women?

Alex: When I was younger, I thought I was being open to the experience. I thought I was having adventures. Now, I wonder if there is more, a different kind of adventure out there.

Susan: The culture supports these kinky, limited activity hook ups. They seem deadening. On the other hand, the culture also supports endless yammering about soul mate intimacy—and I find that stultifying.

Alex: The new technological age is supposed to keep us closer in touch, but it has dehumanized us more, put more walls up. Instead of sitting down and really getting to know somebody, you choose an act, advertise, meet someone interested in same act, have a drink, commit said act and leave.

Susan: Exclusively limiting your sex life to one activity—intercourse missionary style or spanking—is not adventurous. The missionary folk consider themselves more righteous than the rest of us while the spankers think they are edgy. They’re all playing it safe, as they define “safe.” No risk-takers here.

Alex: I would agree with that. The kink-as-sex-life strategy backfires if you are interested in meeting somebody. You’ve become addicted to a singular act. That act is what you’re looking for, which limits your partner options.

Susan: The big sex trends of the last decade and more: Kink and heterosexual anal intercourse. (Well, there’s Cougars and Bi Girls, but we’ll save your thoughts on that for another day.) Is anal one of your fantasies/fetishes?

Alex: No. If Tucker Max has taught us anything, it’s that people really don’t know about anal sex. The way that most people commit the act—no preparation and after wining and dining, no less!—they run the risk of causing damage to her rectum and their sheets.

Susan: Yes, I periodically run my anal sex preparedness lecture on the blog. It seems to me that men (and women) Gen X and younger are more limited in their sexual expression than previous generations. Kink and anal.

Alex: As you have pointed out, sexuality in the city is highly feminized. The scene is run by women.

Susan: So don’t blame men? Maybe women’s responses developed, in part, as a reaction to male sexuality. What about the impact of 24 porn on the male sensibility? Men watch porn and think that they can “just slip it into” her anal opening as easily as her vaginal opening—and, she loves it! And the cock comes out clean!

Alex: Maybe women are influenced by porn too. Story: Recently in a bar, a girl came up to me and asked, “Can I confide in you?” I thought: She must know I’m a bartender and she wants to tell me her break up story. We chatted a bit. She said, “I’m a practicing auto-erotic.” I was gun shy to do anything else with her. I didn’t want to end up like Robert Chambers.

Susan: (LOL) Do you have any interest in vanilla sex now?

Alex: In the past decade, it’s all been very kinky. Women have one kinky act that they want practiced upon them. I play the facilitator, the blank canvas on which they paint. I did meet one normal woman and brought her back home from a date with me. She peed on the floor of my lobby; we didn’t make it upstairs. I asked her to clean up her mess and put her in a cab and sent her home.

Susan: Ah, dating in the city. Is this what happens to men who’ve remained single too long? Years ago, I told you that you were behind the curve, that you should have been in your starter marriage, having your first affair. When people wait too long to get married, they grow rigid. And odd. And cranky. And neurotic. It doesn’t matter if the marriage lasts or not. The marriage inoculates you against becoming a curmudgeonly, misogynistic old bachelor.

Alex: I should be married. When I was feeling depressed about being dumped at New Year’s, I made the mistake of Googling my first love Amanda, now an attorney working for a firm in Midtown. Well, it turns out that Amanda had gone off and gotten herself married back in 2005. It was a really nasty knock, the kind that leaves you winded with your stomach in knots wondering if therapy might be in order. I tried to be rational. We hadn't talked in 14 years or seen each other in 10. Why should I be upset? But I was. I felt like a car that had been blown into a mobile home by a tornado that came out of nowhere. I soldiered on, figuring the whole thing would blow over in a few days.

Susan: And it’s still a sore spot? [He nods in the affirmative.] I guess that surprises me because you haven’t had more close marriage calls. What’s up with that?

Alex: In this bartender’s opinion, I blame the internet. Or Cosmo. A lot of things started going wrong for me when I picked up an issue of Cosmo.

 

 

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