SexyPrime, a blog by Susan Crain Bakos

Palagia: Sensual Romantic, Savvy Businesswoman

"Men need to wear better skivvies.  I've seen too many boxers and white briefs.  If a man isn't adventurous, he can buy Calvin Klein black boxer briefs--simple and sexy," Palagia.

I spent an afternoon this week drinking wine with Palagia on the terrace of her apartment in the heart of Chelsea.  A mild late August day, chilled crisp wine, eclectic Bohemian surroundings--rouge-hued torsos, lush plants, a green toilet turned planter--and good conversation about one of our favorite subjects, sex.  I love women who champion female sexual empowerment.  A vibrant, intelligent and glamorous woman, Palagia does it with panache.

(Photo by John Bentham)
You have to admire the creative chutzpa of a woman whose business began as a "fund-raiser for myself.

"Ten years ago I was teaching in the New York City school system, making $28,000 a year, and on the verge of being evicted from my apartment.  I threw my first party, Falling Out Of The Garden Of Eden.  It was such a huge success--theatrically, erotically, financially for me-- that my friends asked me to host more erotic parties.  That's how One Leg Up got started."

One Leg Up--approaching its first decade--is a floating sensual country club with monthly events for members, an international private list of couples and "single ladies."  No, she doesn't host swinger parties.  Comparing a One Leg Up "Take Out" or "Eat In" event to that is like describing fine dining as street cart fare.

"I've been to swinger parties--and they're boring," she says.  "A lot of the people who attend them are vultures."  She adds, "'Swinger' is a word that exists only in America.  In Europe and the rest of the world, people have sex outside their relationships in group settings, but they don't call it 'swinging.'"

Palagia stages erotic theatrical events, like the recent "Pirates on the Hudson," an eat-in soiree on a sailboat.  Participants get the details--like when and where to meet--two days before the party.  Costumes are required.  And at some point in the evening, everyone must strip down to their undies.  It's the democratic thing to do.

"When the clothes come off, so do the job, the status, the pretensions."

"Playing" is optional, not required, at the eat-ins, limited to 80 people, but not encouraged beyond kissing at "take outs," up to 200 people.  "No" always means "No," not "Maybe." 

"Women need to feel safe to explore fantasy and expand their boundaries in a private setting," she says.  "The sense of anticipation leading up to our events and the costumes, the theatrical elements, create an atmosphere of sensual and luxurious eroticism that appeals to women.  They want to go to a party where they can walk around in their undies, feel safe and explore."

What changes has she seen in sexual behavior in One Leg Up's first decade?

"Sex is mainstream.  It has lost is underground edge.  Kink is 'vanilla' now. It takes years for some people to walk through the door into sexual adventure.  But they've done it; they're doing it.  My clientele includes a lot of very wealthy people, but their sexual behavior is mainstream.

"In the early days when I was throwing private parties, I could be wilder."

[Click on the link above and check out the beautiful photographic book chronicling some of One Leg Up's events.  The photos were all shot by John Bentham; and he is an amazing photographer.]

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

Our Kind of Babe--Interview with Dr. Jenn Gusaullus

Jennifer "Dr. Jenn" Gunsaullus, Ph.D., is a sociologist and relationship/intimacy doctor who is passionate about female sexual empowerment.  She is our kind of babe.  Jenn is coming up on two years of video podcasting In The Den with Dr. Jenn and I want to salute her for the good work she's doing.  I love the way she combines sociology, sexual health, life coaching, spirituality, empowerment for women, art--and fun! 

And she's been involved as an actor and producer in productions of Eve Ensler's "The Vagina Monologues."  Wow!  Now that really impresses me.

Here is my Q/A with Dr. Jenn:

 

Q.  What frequent sex question that women ask--really makes you want to scream in frustration?

When I first read this question, nothing came to mind, and I thought that perhaps I need more time to become bitter and jaded about a specific topic! And then I remembered…condoms. The topic of condom use really pushes my buttons. So often I have women (and men) talk to me about sex in new relationships, or having occasional sex with people they used to date. If the woman is on the pill, or if the guy uses the withdrawal method before ejaculation, they assume there is little to worry about. They assume the other person will tell them if they have an STD/STI and that since they “know” the person, that means they know they are “clean.” This type of thinking drives me nuts since most people don’t talk openly about STDs and because they don’t necessarily have over symptoms in everyone. I know that embarrassment around talking openly about sex is a part of the issue here, as well as heavy drinking leading to hooking up.

Granted, I am definitely super-paranoid about this! My indoctrination into the sex field was through the sexual health education realm. However, I’ve met so many women and men with HPV, herpes, or HIV, and none of them thought they were at risk. Many say, “I didn’t think it could happen to me,” or “I wish I had known…”.

Q.  I read a comment from a woman on your site acknowledging that women are "still embarrassed" to talk about masturbation.  Do you think it is easier to introduce the subject (and the practice) if you put the focus on sex toys?  (I get a lot of responses to sex toy posts, but if I just write about masturbation--silence.)

 

Great question. I think women may be more likely to attend a sex toy party than a “learn to masturbate” party! When I was conducting my dissertation research on HIV prevention programs for women in NY, I attended an “Eroticizing Safer Sex” workshop. These women were loud and rowdy, and enjoying themselves learning about sex toys, outercourse, and creativity with sensuality…until masturbation was specifically mentioned. The room got noticeably quiet and I think the women were afraid that they may be asked to admit that they masturbate. Sex toys seem to feel safer to discuss publicly because there is still some distance from masturbation, because they can be used with a partner. Somehow talking about them seems less personal, even if used for masturbation, than talking about using your fingers on your clit or inside your vagina.

 

Q.  Do you think a woman can be sexually empowered if she rarely or never reaches orgasm?

Another great question! I think at the heart of female sexual empowerment is self-worth and high self-esteem. When I work with women, it’s about the women knowing and liking themselves at a deep level (meaning holistically: physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually) and being able to express this. There are so many reasons why women may not be able to experience orgasm – alone or with a partner – but the experience of a physical orgasm is just one piece of the puzzle for women’s overall sexual fulfillment.

 

Q.  What (aside from masturbation) are the "taboo" sex practices for women--meaning that they won't admit to doing them?

Anal play! This question was easy for me to answer! I use the term “anal play” to refer to any sort of sexual activity involving the anus, but anal sex in particular is definitely a hot topic for heterosexual women. For a year and a half I conducted women’s erotic product workshops and one of the most common (and most brave) questions was always about anal sex: Is it safe? Does it hurt? Is it dirty? Why does my boyfriend/husband want to try it/do it so much? Can it actually feel good? There was usually one woman willing to ask, several who would chime in that it does feel good, several with disgusted looks on their faces, and a few totally silent women.

At a sexuality conference workshop I learned about a research study at a clinic where the health practitioners had to ask women three times whether they had engaged in anal sex before they would respond with an honest yes. It’s still considered taboo or “dirty” by many and it definitely doesn’t fit with the “good girl” image many women learned to project when growing up.

Q.  How do women get in our way when it comes to experiencing a rich, full sex life?

As a Sociologist, my starting point is usually to ask what a woman grew up learning about sex, her body, what it means to be a woman, how to attract a partner, where her value comes from, etc. And then also where she learned these messages, whether parents, school, religion, media, etc. I like to find out what meanings and values are still with her, which ones serve and honor her, and which ones are blocking her self-love, pleasure, and connection. There is a lot of unlearning and relearning needed around what it means to be sexually healthy and fulfilled in a relationship.

One predictor of women’s sexual satisfaction is her body-image. Women with low body image are less likely to be satisfied sexually. It’s difficult to relax with a partner and release in the vulnerability of sexual pleasure if you’re trying to hide parts of your body or are in you head thinking about what parts of your body your don’t like. But in our society, the media images of beauty, youth, and perfection are so ubiquitous from such a young age, it’s difficult to keep that separate from our individual self- esteem and body-image and out of the bedroom.

On the flip side, there’s been the growth of “female sexual empowerment” in the form of Girls Gone Wild, breast enlargements, or online porn. In personal interactions, there’s been more “performing porn star” where sexual activities are about what look and feel great to a partner (and make the woman feel worthy), but aren’t about the woman’s embodied pleasure. There becomes a disconnect between women appearing sexy and attractive to others from actually knowing what they enjoy, expressing this, and liking themselves in the process.

I just reread the question and was struck with the thought – how many of us even know what a “rich, full sex life” would look or feel like? I love posing questions like “Describe in detail your ideal sexual life.” It doesn’t occur to most of us that we could enjoy a sexual life that we’ve designed. Our fast-paced, multi-tasking, technology-driven society keeps people overworked, sleep-deprived, and in our heads – none of this is good for a rich, full sex life!

Q.  How important is penis size to women?

Ha! After all the other questions, this one made me laugh J I don’t have a clear-cut answer, because it depends. It depends on what a woman is used to size-wise, if she gets visually aroused by size, if her sexual pleasure is largely based on feeling “full,” the man’s ability to move well, the man’s overall sexual prowess, the connection between them…and I could go on. There are certainly extremes in sizes in either direction that might not be appealing to most women, but overall it depends on the individual woman.

Q.  What is women's biggest sex complaint about men?  Men's about women?

I hear women complain that men (that they’ve been with for awhile) want to jump right into sex and that if they have been arguing, or are resentful of something, or exhausted, or angry, they can’t believe that their guy thinks they would actually want to have sex. It’s not a specific physical sexual complaint, but a more holistic one. The woman doesn’t feel appreciated, taken care of, listened to, connected with…and many times need to that want to have sex. From the opposite perspective, their men want to have sex, so that they are able to feel that emotional closeness. The woman who speak to me wish that their partners would be more caring, listening, and sensual, to ease them out of their minds, and into their bodies.

Again, with men it’s not a specific physical sexual complaint, but related to women’s confidence and appreciation of their bodies. Men don’t like it when their girlfriends or wives are critical of their own bodies and it isn’t a turn-on for them. These responses are clearly reflective of my holistic specialty around female sexuality, because women and couples who seek me out to work with me are already open to looking at a bigger picture around their intimacy and relationship happiness.

Q.  And what is coming up for you?  Events?  Book?

This week I celebrated the release of the 100^th episode of my video podcast show about female sexuality, In the Den with Dr. Jenn! I’ve been writing and hosting this professionally-produced video podcast show for two years and we’re really proud of this achievement! We’re going into Season Three and I’m excited to continue to bring amazing guests into the Den, have the opportunity for more interviews with my various alter-egos (we use split screen technology so I can interview Spicy Suzy, Jane the Sex Researcher, and Donna Brightbush the Love Child), dress in props to discuss sexual fun facts, and share recommendations of books and activities. The show is free to view online through my iTunes or my Web site: www.drjennsden.com.

I just started offering Den Merchandise – women’s and men’s t-shirts, mugs, bags, and clocks related to sexual themes. There’s a whole line of cute women’s t-shirts where women can express the personality of their sexuality or their “box.” I think they’re a riot! The store is here: www.cafepress.com/drjennsden.

And I’m writing my first book! It’s based on interviews with women about their experiences and meanings around sex and sexuality. The questions tap into physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual aspects of sexuality, to really explore female sexuality in a way that asks the tough questions and honors women’s experiences. The interview process was so powerful and amazing – I was so impressed with each woman’s willingness to share the depth of her sexual being. The book is going to be so helpful for women’s sexual expression and empowerment and open communication between couples.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

 

Arie Thompson: Feeling Her Pleasure

“At the end of the day, I guess the quality of a woman’s sex life is determined by how deeply she allows herself to feel pleasure.”

 

That provocative quote is from Arie Thompson, who is a young, talented, beautiful and smart champion of female sexual empowerment, especially in the arts. I met her a few summers ago when she was tending bar part time at Native restaurant in Harlem.

(In one of those little twists of fate, I discovered that her father was our family "hero doctor", the ENT specialist back in Illinois who extracted a piece of rubber bug from my then 3 year old son’s nose—after our pediatrician had thoroughly botched the job, leaving little boy and young parents frantic.)  I’ve followed her music career ever since.

She’s singing this coming Monday, August 4, in lower Manhattan at The Delancey, 168 Delancey Street, between Clinton and Attorney streets. (Take the F train to Delancey.) She goes on stage at 9 p.m, but there are earlier acts beginning at 7 and Happy Hour drink prices between 7 and 8. 

If you live in New York City—or happen to be visiting us—come downtown to hear Arie. She is worth the trip.

Why, I asked her, don’t women allow themselves to feel sexual pleasure?

“I think that many people, women and men, are afraid of feeling too good about anything.  A lot of women probably don’t have the time and/or mental/emotional space to really get to know themselves sexually.

 

“So much of what is publicized as hot female sexuality is about being sexually appealing to someone else. That doesn’t encourage women to develop a deep understanding of what turns us on. It takes some self-exploration to find out what really feels good to you beyond a simple climax. For numerous reasons,  not every woman feels entitled to pleasure or inspired to undertake that kind of exploration.”

I have tried and tried to insert the photo that represents Arie’s self-described "brand." (Brian, my IT guy is out of town; and computer experts consulted in his absence had no luck with it either.)  Imagine this:  A shot of Arie's beautiful cleavage, with a flame tattoo over one breast and a rivulet of water running down her chest and her red-painted fingertips framing the water and fire.  It's a little piece of art!  And once Brian returns, I hope you'll be able to see it.

“I call that photo my brand with a wink even though I mean it.  The brand is really just me— that image is such a perfect self-portrait of me at this stage.  So much of my work is about integrating my fire and my water, my male and my female, my persona and my soul, flesh and spirit— all the opposites whose pulling and pushing provide the tension that lets me stand.   The emphasis is on my heart as opposed to my face.

"The image exposes the process of creative balance and, I hope, will encourage others to find their own balance."

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

 

Candida Royalle: As Good As It Gets

I have long admired Candida Royalle--porn star turned porn producer/video entrepreneur, creator of a line of sex toys, author of sex books and a beautiful, stylish, intelligent woman who will always take the time to help and advise another woman in our fields.

Candida has done more for female sexual empowerment than any woman on the planet.  If you have watched an X-rated film with high production values and a female sensibility (but still turns men on), chances are it was produced by Candida's Femme Productions (Sensuous Exotica for Women and the Men Who Love Them) launched in 1984.  She pioneered women's and couple's porn.  Before Candida got behind the camera, porn was all about men, all the time; and the conventional wisdom held that women did not like porn.  Yes, we do, if the porn shows women getting what they want and need in bed.  She proved that the market exists and opened the door for women like Jenna Jameson.

Last year Candida added another jewel to her accomplishment crown with Femme Chocolat:  erotica of a different flavor--porn for women of color.  I was at the premier of the first production, "Afrodite Superstar" directed by Venus Hottentot and starring Simone Valentino and Mr. Marcus.  It was an exciting event!

This summer Candida was honored for her work by AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists) at their annual conference, held this year in New Orleans.   Following that, she met with the woman who runs "a lovely woman-oriented web site in France, SecondSexe.com.  She just licensed all my movies for her VOD channel.

Candida adds, "She also asked me to do an erotic scene being directed by Maiwenn LeBesco (ex-wife of Luc Besson) for a series of women-directed erotic movies.  I would play a Kathleen Turner type movie star sitting in one of those big hotel bars in Cannes, bemoaning the fact that she's getting older.  She ends up being seduced by the bartender.

"I was flattered but declined."

Check out her line of Natural Contours vibes and other products.  I love the Inspirations get-away kit:  small personal massager with battery and little bottles of lavender bath oil, personal lubricant and massage oil--everything you need for that overnight with the boyfriend (or girlfriend.)  The little vibe is powerful.  While I generally consider the small power vibes toys for Kittens--and I am a Cougar--I loved this one.  The oils and lube are lovely too.

Candida Royalle is the leading female sexual empowerment entrepreneur.  DVDs, books, sex toy products!  She is as good as it gets. 

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

MEET JAMIE LYNN!

I had a lovely chat with Jamie Lynn adult video star and the model in THE ORGASM BIBLE where she has never looked more beautiful, sexy and appealing.  (One of my guy pals says that "nations would go to war over her ass.")

How does she put herself into the mood for a shoot or a film?

"I try to feel as sexy as I can before I get there," she says. "Music helps put me into the mood."

Her best sex advice for women? 

"Be responsible for creating your own desire.  Don't expect your partner to make you feel sexy.  Do what you need to do to create an erotic mood for yourself.  Candles, music, fragrance, fantasy--whatever works for you. 

"I like to be in control.  And you have to know yourself and how your sexuality works to be in control of your sex life.  Research your own body!"

She's right about that.  Women, especially young women, always ask:  What can I do to drive him wild in bed?  And they complain:  He isn't doing enough to drive me wild in bed.

Take Jamie's advice.  Start with you.  What turns you on?  What can you do (or show him) to drive yourself wild in bed?  Your excitement will fuel his.

I asked her what she found surprising or perplexing about working in the adult field--and she said:  "That men can be turned on by something as simple as the way I dangle my foot."

She is "always respectful of myself" in her work and doesn't agree to do films that would make her feel disrespected.  Sometimes she gets ideas about the way to pose her body or what to say to the camera based on feedback from her male fans. 

"I get to peek inside the brain of those guys who sit around all day fantasizing about sex," she says, laughing.

But she doesn't take her work home with her--or view herself as a "porn star" or "celebrity."

When she's not working, Jamie has a boyfriend and a "normal" California life--walks on the beach, barbecues, movies, camping and trips to the mall in her jeans, sneakers and hoodies.  And she writes poetry.  I've asked her to send me a poem and I hope she'll let me post it on the blog for you.

Jamie Lynn is an intelligent and charming young woman (and, of course, hot).  I am so happy with her photos in THE ORGASM BIBLE.  Thank you, Jamie, for so eloquently illustrating my book.

 

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

Why Men Say "No" To Threesomes

 
 

I got a little more insight into that today in a wide -ranging conversation--everything from the state of literary fiction to "candy boys"--with Min Jin Lee, author of FREE FOOD FOR MILLIONAIRES, the best-selling novel now out in a beautiful paperback edition.

"In researching this book, I asked a lot of questions.  What men told me about threesomes was so interesting that I had to include it.  They are afraid they can't satisfy two women."

Lee, who writes well about sex, says that people were surprised that she included sexual scenes in her novel because she comes from the conservative Korean American community.

"Sex is an important dimension of life," she says.  "How could I ignore it?"

We commiserated over the fact that male authors who write explicit sex scenes are considered bold, even literary--while women authors who do so often are not taken seriously.

FREE FOOD FOR MILLIONAIRES has garnered excellent reviews.  I would only add to the chorus:  Read this book because you will love it.

And she is right on target about men and threesomes.  They are most enthusiastic when the two women are bisexuals and they can play voyeur most of the time.

What are the sex scenes that you love in novels?

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime