SexyPrime, a blog by Susan Crain Bakos

ASK AUNTIE SUE--A Greatest Hit & "Is my wife dysfunctional?"

Auntie Sue's legs, photo by Trent

 

I am still getting responses from my Christmas parable, "The Misanthrope, The Stone Frog. The Poisonous Toad and The Christmas Soldiers."

Apparently there is a plague of poisonous toads across the land.  Maybe every family has one. 

This reader’s comment made me giggle:

 “My brother married a poisonous toad.  When we met her, we thought she was loud, crude and bordering on white trash.  Now that we know her better, we know she is a chain-smoking, cursing, pill-popping, manipulative narcissist who cannot talk about anything but herself and how people have wronged her, unless, of course, she is taking the inventory of others in the most vulgar terms.  I’ve never heard her engaged in a discussion of ideas.  But I wouldn’t insult the white trash nation by sticking their label on her.

“Thanks for the reminder not to let the toads ruin the holidays.  Remember the Christmas soldiers!”

 

One of Auntie Sue’s greatest hits—

Q. “You seem to be telling women that they have to come during intercourse.  Doesn’t that go against the precepts of a pro-sex feminist such as yourself?  I don’t come during intercourse.  We tried using pillows, but nothing helps.  My husband gives me an oral orgasm and then we have intercourse for him.  What’s wrong with that?”  Becca, Melbourne, Australia.

A.  Nothing is “wrong” with what has become the standard lovemaking pattern of Western couples:  She comes first, he comes next.  Dr. Ian Kerner wrote two books based on that principle:  She Comes First; He Comes Next.  Catchy titles, no?  A suggested title for his next book:  He and She Are Really Bored With All That.

Let’s re-think intercourse.  It is not for men’s pleasure only.  Generally speaking, women love to be penetrated.  Even lesbians seek penetration through sex toys.  Who do you think founded those wonderful national sex toy stores, Babeland and Good Vibrations? 

So you love having him (or a reasonable facsimile of a penis) inside you.  Why not figure out how to have an orgasm in that position?  If you missed it yesterday, check out The O Man’s intercourse tips.  (And learn The Orgasm Loop.

As a pro-sex feminist unafraid to surrender to a man who knows what he is doing with my body, I say:  Intercourse can be wildly exciting and deeply satisfying for her as well as him.  Help him take you there.

 

A new question—

Q:  “My wife of ten years says she no longer desires me.  Though she is never ‘ready’ for sex, we do have it once a week.  Sometimes she gets very aroused, but she only comes if I finish her off.  Is she dysfunctional?  Is there a pill for that?”  Michael, St. Louis, MO.

A.  Michael, you may have seen that big Chicago study of several years ago concluding that 43% of women are dysfunctional.  I don’t think so.  Few women are truly dysfunctional but many are sexually dissatisfied.  They are ill-informed about male and female sexuality, uncomfortable in expressing their own desires, unable to communicate during sex, and may have poor sexual skills—as may their partner.  Also they likely believe that desire comes before arousal—as did most therapists a few decades ago—when, in fact, arousal most often precedes desire in women, especially in established relationships.

Is there a pill to fix this?  No.  Read my posts on the elusive pink pill.

What can “fix” the situation?  Engage her in more lively sex talk, for example, talking about fantasies or what you find sexy in movies.  Spend more time on her arousal. 

Erotic lovemaking begins outside the bedroom.  It’s a state of mind that you both create and sustain.  You should have Daily Sex Bible on hand.  It has 365 new ideas for everything from creating an erotic mood to kinky sex.

 

copyright 2008-2012, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime.

 

ASK AUNTIE SUE: A Greatest Hit Question & A Reader Reveals His Sexless Marriage Theory

Auntie Sue's legs, photo by Trent

 

 

My holiday parable, “The Misanthrope, The Stone Frog, The Poisonous Toad & The Christmas Soldiers”, struck a chord with readers. 

One reader wrote.  “I laughed at your Poisonous Toad, so like my aunt who has two subjects:  her acts of ‘mercy’ and her stories of people who have betrayed her.  She is Never Wrong; and the corollary holds true, nobody else is ever right.  What a pall she casts over holiday dinner.”

Next year, invite a few soldiers to the celebration. 

 

This Greatest Hit, Penis Slapping from the July 18, 2011 Ask Auntie Sue, generated a surprising volume of mail from men reporting penis abuse.

 

Q. “I still don’t know how it happened, but I have a wife.  One year.  She slaps my penis during sex if I do something she doesn’t like—and she doesn’t like a lot.  She’s a very religious woman.  Last night I was eating her out when I put my hand around my penis and started working the shaft.  She pulled my hand away, slapped my penis and said, ‘God doesn’t like that!’

“Can slapping cause injury to my manhood?  Sometimes she slaps hard.”  Carlos, 27, Mexico City.

A.  Yes, penis slapping can cause injury to your manhood and your penis.  Assert yourself.  Tell her she cannot touch your penis with any emotion other than love.  No more slapping.

As to the big question hanging over your letter, the one that you didn’t ask—What can you do about this marriage?—I see two options.   Pray daily for her sexual conversion or investigate a Catholic annulment.  Oh, I forgot:  I don’t believe in prayer.  Penis slapping might render you impotent and unable to have conception sex.  Isn’t that grounds for annulment?  How about spousal abuse?

I have a lawyer friend in Mexico City.  Do you want his number?

 

A psychologist from Switzerland, Jon, says he developed his theory of why some marriages are sexless while reading Ask Auntie Sue.

“I noted how often people who complain of ‘no sex’ or ‘not enough sex’ also mention that a spouse’s weight gain is an issue—or they cite the domineering wife or passive husband as a turn-off.  I theorize that the deadly combo of fat, demanding wife and passive/aggressive husband kills sexual desire in both spouses.

“I am developing the research protocol now and hope to have a book on the subject in three or four years.”

If you want to participate in Jon’s research, send me a note.  I will forward to him.

 

 

copyright 2008-2012, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime.

 

 

ASK AUNTIE SUE--Beginning The Greatest Hits with "How to handle a depressed penis?"

Auntie Sue's legs, photo by Tyr Throne

 

I apologize for neglecting SexyPime this past week.  I've been working on projects that I want to finish while I can.  One of them--an ebook of Auntie Sue's best advice, with expanded answers.  Ask Auntie Sue is the most popular feature on SP; and its fans deserve a collection.

This question from the September 12, 2011 column was a reader favorite.

How to handle a depressed penis?

Q. “I met this great guy, handsome, sexy, smart, funny.  He’s 45 but in good shape so I wasn’t expecting a depressed penis.  He rarely gets a decent erection and has trouble ejaculating.  While he says he doesn’t mind not coming, I mind that he doesn’t.  He takes medication for high cholesterol and for depression.  I think the meds have depressed his penis.  He won’t take Viagra.  Do you know any magic to make a penis happy again?”  Leanne, the Jersey shore.

A.  Viagra and similar drugs are often contraindicated in patients taking medication for high blood pressure, high cholesterol and depression.  That comes as a surprise to women who think all problems of the penis can be cured by a little pill.  Your lover should seek out a doctor who can listen to his sexual concerns and help him find the medications or dosages that have the least impact on his poor depressed penis.  But here is what you can do:

First, stop “minding” when he doesn’t ejaculate.  Take the pressure off.  Let him focus on pleasing you.

Second a savvy lover can often help her man get a firmer erection these two ways.   

• Become very skilled at fellatio.  (See my signature sex technique, The Basic Black Dress of Blow Jobs.) 
• Perfect the art of the hand job.  (See "Two Hand Jobs.")

Third, have you tried a vibrating cock ring on him?  (Go to Babeland, type in "vibrating cock ring" in the search window.)  The ring helps him maintain an erection while the vibrations increase his arousal and bring him closer to ejaculation. 

Fourth, he might be able to reach orgasm during anal intercourse because the fit around his penis is so snug.  (See M’s primer on anal intercourse.) 

Fifth, some men respond to this simple trick: 

• Press your thumb into his perineum (space between base of testicles and anus) when he is highly aroused. 

Finally, explore your fantasies together.  A little kink can be better than a little blue pill.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime.

ASK AUNTIE SUE: Reader Questions on Revenge Sex, Orgasm Focus & "Where is the play in sex?"

Auntie Sue's legs, photo by Trent 

 

Ah, the holiday season. My email box runneth over with letters from readers who are not happy with their sex lives or sex partners—or can’t stop whining about their impediments to good sex, ranging from exes and in-laws to fat thighs and the inability to afford silk lingerie.  The motto for some people:  Blame anything, blame someone, but don’t take responsibility for your own pleasure.  Oddly, many sound rather peevish during this season of supposed good will. 

A quick tip for improving the sex and your cranky mood:  For the next week, focus on giving sensual pleasure, stop worrying about receiving it. 

To the questions—

 

Q. “My husband cheated on me with one of our neighbors.  It’s true:  The wife is the last to know.  I want to get even with him; and I’ve been told revenge sex is the way to go.  I’m planning to seduce that neighbor’s husband.  How do I make revenge sex as hot as possible?”  Jerrilyn, Atlanta.

A.  My dear, revenge is the hobgoblin of little minds.  (Ralph Waldo Emerson said it was a “foolish consistency.”)  Whenever I hear about or read (or have been the target) of revenge, I think:  Little person, you have nothing going on in your life or you wouldn’t have time or mental energy for this.

Seducing your husband’s lover’s husband is so romance novel/soap opera plot move.  No wonder the soaps are dead.  Look at the possibilities.  Unsatisfying sex.  He may reject you.  Perhaps he will have sex with you and tell everyone how bad you are in bed.  Who knows what his idea of revenge sex might be? 

Let your husband know that he has opened your marriage, at least as far as you taking a lover too—but you are not acting quickly out of anger.  Honey, revenge sex would make your affair all about your cheating spouse, not you.  Why settle for bitter dregs when you could have a delicious romp with someone who excites you? 

 

Q. “It has always taken me a long time to have an orgasm.  I have ADD and also take an anti-depressant which makes it difficult to orgasm.  I am reading about women my age, early forties, having incredible sexual life; and I long to enjoy this experience.  But I have a hard time staying focused on my arousal long enough to have an orgasm.  What can I do?”  Radikha, Mumbai

A.    You need The Orgasm Loop, available in paperback or ebook.  The first step of O Loop is arousal focus.  A section on orgasm and anti-depressants will be very helpful for you too.  Write to me as you work on learning the technique.  I will coach you via email.

Read The Orgasm Manifesto for the O Loop basics.  Shortly after I wrote that, I was diagnosed with fourth stage cancer and had to give up the free workshop plan.  However, if you write to me, detailing your progress and asking your questions, I am happy to reply.  Alas, I can't afford to give away any more ebooks.  But they only cost $9.95--a pittance for a lifetime of Os.

 

Q. “Why do they call it Sex Play?  Sex with my wife is more work than play.  Getting her into the mood.  Giving her enough foreplay.  Continuing to stimulate her until she finally comes.  I’ve never had playful sex.  Where do I get it?”  John, American ex-pat living in Copenhagen.

A.  If sex is work, you are both to blame for that state of affairs.  Lighten up.  Refuse to take responsibility for her arousal or orgasm.  She doesn’t sound like an active participant in her own sex life.

Daily Sex Bible is full of tips and techniques for putting the play into sex play.  Lick an armpit or an instep.  Create a costume box.  Learn how Cleopatra might have performed a blow job.  Tango in the nude.  Paint her O.  DSB has 365 new sex ideas, something for every lover, from the awkward to the highly skilled.  No “work” required.

 

Photo Credit: Daily Sex Bible

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

ASK AUNTIE SUE: Reader Questions on Eastern Sexual Arts, Sexually Unskilled Spouses--& The Trouble with Sex Fantasies

Auntie Sue's legs, Photo by Trent

 

 

We’ve had the most amazing stretch of mild weather here.  (Forecasters are warning the end is near.)  I don’t know how crowds (mobs?) of people motivated themselves to get up and out to the malls early on Black Friday.  It is decidedly not feeling a lot like Christmas yet.  Some intrepid shoppers will do anything for flat screen TVs on sale and even, as I read, cheap waffle irons, that ubiquitous shower or wedding gift in the 70s.

Wouldn’t a copy of one of my books deliver more bangs (or shags) for the bucks?

To the questions—

 

Q. “I recently discovered Sir Richard Burton’s translation of the erotic classic The Perfumed Garden.  I note that you have referred to it on SexyPrime.  Have you adapted any Eastern positions and techniques for modern lovers?”  Grant, London.

A.  Yes, I have.  Modern lovers want the benefits of Eastern erotic wisdom:  His prolonged arousal/erection, her more timely, and intense, orgasms.  But they want the steps simplified and some of the extreme gymnastics taken out. My adaptations of Eastern techniques and positions are sprinkled throughout my Quiver books.  The Orgasm Loop also owes a debt to the East.  My own version of Tantra, fusion Tantra, is the subject of The New Tantra:  Simple and Sexy, available as ebook.

And Daily Sex Bible contains many adaptations from ancient Indian, Chinese, Japanese and Arab lovemaking arts.   One of my favorites is Arab Sex #5:  The Seducer Position.

Briefly:  She lies on her back, legs open; he sits on his folded legs between her legs.  Holding her thighs, he controls the thrusting, varying the strokes by moving her body back and forth on his penis.  (See the full directions in the book.)

 

Q. “Ms. Bakos, your story about The Sexy Beast, a.k.a., the internet pretender, aroused my wife’s suspicions.  She found my own Facebook Fake Name accounts.  Unfortunately, I referred to her in letters to some women as “my wife, the smokin’ tank,’ because she is built like a little tank and chain smokes, even in our bedroom.  Things have not been good at home.  In spite of all I said about her—all true—and the fact that she is a fairly unskilled lover, I still desire her.  We haven’t had great sex in a long time, but we did get to passing good every now and then.  Can the sex be saved?”  T.J., South Carolina.

A.  SAVED?!

Isn’t “resurrected” a better choice of words?

First, she needs to quit smoking.  If she won’t, banish her smoking to outside.  She is exposing you to the risks of second-hand smoke; and that is not acceptable.  I can tell she runs all over you; and you only rebel under an assumed name with strangers.  Stand up for yourself.  Maybe she will find this unexpected display of masculine strength desirable.

Second, you need a marital therapist and a sex coach.  She must be very hurt at what you said to strangers behind her back.  You must be a very angry passive-aggressive man to vent to strangers rather than manning up and telling her directly.  Talk out your issues with a therapist while a sex coach teaches you how to satisfy one another.

Third, what do you look like?  If she’s a tank, are you a basketball belly?  Consider a couples exercise program as foreplay.  And what about your sex skills?  Generally good lovers don’t marry unskilled lovers.

Interestingly, many men still want sex after the passion has gone South—while women more often turn off to boring or dissatisfying sex.  Reminds me of that old Jewish joke:  The food was terrible; and there was not enough of it.

 

Q. “My lover and I get so hot telling each other our fantasies that we moved to acting them out together.  I know you have warned readers that a fantasy does not usually represent a wish.  We have scaled back fantasy extremes to reality.  Yet still I find my fantasies of submission are not that exciting when acted out.  The most recent one—a spanking fantasy—really disappointed.  My bottom just hurt as he spanked me.  It wasn’t hot; it was too hard.  When I said, NO, he thought it was part of the game and kept whacking me.  When he finally stopped, I locked myself in the bathroom.  Are we just not the fantasy couple type?”  Allegra, St. Thomas.

A.  Couples who are into DS play (dominance/submission) use “safe words” that mean Stop.  As you painfully discovered, “no” or “stop” can be confused as just part of the game—the submissive version of playing hard to get.  Before you act out another DS fantasy, agree on a safe word, like red or peanut butter or lawsuit, that indicates the dom is taking the sub further than he or she wants to go; pull back now.

May I suggest that you try the spanking fantasy again with gentle slaps punctuated by caresses and kisses to the buttocks?  Like many women who fantasize submission, you want a bit of the spank and a lot of the fantasy.

I applaud your courage in talking and acting out your fantasies; and I’m betting you will find a way to incorporate elements of your sex dreams into your play.

From Daily Sex Bible, three golden rules of fantasy—

1.  A fantasy is not a wish or desire…

2.  Once you share a fantasy, you may rob it of its power to arouse…

3.  We are all aroused by things we really don’t want to do…

 

Photo Credit: Best Sex Ever

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

 

 

ASK AUNTIE SUE: Reader Questions on the Art of Fellatio, Bi-Girl Blues & "How can I have a sex life?"

Auntie Sue's legs, photo by Trent

 

No more free e books!  But you can order The Orasm Loop, e book version, on Amazon.com for only $9.95. I  was surprised at the high volume of requests.  Thanks for your interest; and I hope, if you didn't get a free copy, that you will invest in your own orgasm.  Write to me if you have any questions as you're reading the book.

Speaking of questions--

Q. “I love my lady but she doesn’t not give much of a blow job.  I’ve thrown out hints which she ignored.  Once she said, ‘I always heard there is no bad BJ.’  Finally I told her that my ex was an oral genius and asked if she wouldn’t like me to tell her how the other woman did it.  She hasn’t spoken to me in 6 days.  How do I fix this?”  JM, Boston.

A.  How big a bouquet of exotic flowers can you afford?

When she is speaking/listening again, apologize for bringing up the sexual skills of your ex.  That was hurtful—but typical of frustrated lovers.  Women fake orgasms in the marital bed for years, decades sometimes, then announce abruptly, “I’ve always faked orgasms with you!”  This announcement does not make him ravenous for her or improve the sex.

Men rarely complain about the quality of fellatio, perhaps secretly believing they should be grateful for whatever their lady gives.  No surprise:  it is an article of faith with many women, especially wives, that “There is no bad blow job.”  Yes, Babe, there is.

After the apology, tell her you’ve found the best BJ technique, better than the old GF’s style:  The Basic Black Dress of Blow Jobs.  Order Best Sex Ever; the BBDBJ is inside.  You’ll want her to have a reference copy.  By the way, there is a good cunnilingus technique in there too.

 

Q. “I am a bi-sexual girl, raised in Louisiana where you gotta’ keep yo’ mouth shut about all that.  When I moved to London a few years ago, I discovered Sex Life in a Big City—oh, la, la!!  I booked a bi threesome online, picked up a married French couple in a bar, dated men, dated women.  The sexual encounters have been hot, but I must be giving better than I get.  Everybody gets satisfied except me; and I go home to masturbate.  How do I get my needs met?”  Sugar.

A.  Well, Sugar, maybe some of these people, especially the women, are better actors than you are—and they too go home to masturbate.  I only have your word that you are giving it good.  Frankly, I am not convinced.

Women who don’t take their own pleasure during sex might have performance skills—but can they really be outstanding lovers?

See the introduction to this post.  You need The Orgasm Loop.

 

Q. “Thank you for writing The Orgasm Loop.  It does work!  A few months ago, I had my first orgasm at fifty.  I bought a vibrator from Babeland and then another one.  You are right about vibes!  But I would also like a sex life.  My husband is impotent due to medical issues.  How do I find a lover and keep it from him?”  Donna, suburbs of Chicago.

A.  You do have a sex life—with yourself.  I am so happy you found your path to pleasure in a situation that would have proved too daunting to many women.  Now you want partner sex; and who can blame you?

I can help you look at your options, but I can’t make your decisions for you. 

You can share your sexuality with your husband (as much as possible) or discreetly take a lover or ask for his approval in exploring alternatives with other men, women or couples.

Whatever else you do, include him in your sex life now.  Have him hold you as you masturbate with fingers or vibe.  Ask him to pleasure you manually or orally.  You might be surprised at what two people can do without a solid erection.  Get creative.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime.

 

 

ASK AUNTIE SUE: Reader Questions on Orgasms!--Her "Stalled" One, His "Lost" One & "Why can't I have one?"

Auntie's Sue's legs, Photo by Trenth

 

 

Yesterday I announced a give-away of The Orgasm Loop e-book—and the response has been overwhelming.  In addition to requesting a book, some readers chose this as a moment for a personal good-bye or to thank me for being a pro-sex voice in the world, encouraging their sexual expression.  I am honored, flattered and humbled by your letters.  You cannot imagine how much they have meant to me in the past weeks and will mean, I’m sure, in the weeks ahead.

This is an excerpt of one of the many that that touched me and made me laugh—

 

“…your writing inspired me to buy my first vibrator.

“This last summer I was reading your blog faithfully, and began toying with the idea of buying a sex toy, but held off until I left home to go to school for my senior year of college.  I still put off the purchase, until a conversation with one of my roommates pushed me into actually buying.  We had been drinking when she complained about being horny, missing her fiance.  I suggested that she buy a vibrator and offered to drive us to the local sex shop because she doesn't have a car, and I had wanted to buy one anyway.  Her reaction was something along the lines of OMG EWWW!. 

“I was a little shocked and taken aback.  She asked if I did ‘that’, to which I replied yes.  She shook her head and said ‘absolutely not, that's disgusting’.  My opinion of her plummeted.  I went online and ordered a vibrator off the Babeland website.  My vibrator arrived a week later, and has served me well ever since…”

In honor of The Orgasm Loop and vibrators, today’s questions are all about Os—

 

Q. “I’ve not always had orgasms as often, or as frequently, as I would like—but when I had them, they were strong.  Now that I am in perimenopause, I have stalled orgasms.  I feel myself coming.  There is a single contraction and it’s over, leaving me with a feeling of incompletion.  Is this part of aging?  How do I get my Os past the stall-out?”  Jordan, the U.K.

A.   I’ve heard women use the phrase “stalling out” to describe that feeling of being on the verge of orgasm, then “losing” it.  That’s not exactly what’s happening to you, but pardon the pun, it’s close.  Whether your orgasm fades on the verge or one contraction in, the fast and easy fix is increasing the pressure and speed of clitoral stimulation just when you feel you need this to push you over.  Use your hand, his hand or tongue or a vibrator.

Don’t hope and pray your partner will give you what you need.  Take it.  (Most men will find your active involvement in getting your own orgasm very sexy.)

Hard thrusting alone won’t do it for most women—and that may be true for other women who did come on intercourse alone as their bodies and relationships change.  That you say you haven’t had orgasms as often or frequently as you would like indicates you’ve never fully reached out for them.  Do!

The years leading up to menopause may begin in the late 30s and end in the early 50s.  You are aging—everyone is—but not “old.”   Read in The Sex Bible for Women about the physical and psychological changes to expect and the solutions for handling sex issues that may crop up.  The most common problems for men and women are caused by prescription drugs, especially anti-depressants which are over-prescribed in this country. 

 

Q. “I have suddenly developed a sexual dysfunction.  I cannot reach orgasm with my wife.  I’m in good shape with no drug or alcohol dependencies, in my mid-forties.  What the hell is going on here?  A few times a year, I hook up with an old girlfriend when I travel to the West Coast, no problems coming with her.  I know you’re given advice on the subject in this past.  Could you tell me where to find it?”  Skip, New England.

A.  The man in question 2 of the August 8, 2001, Ask Auntie Sue suffered from bi-polar disorder and depression.  That’s a lot of meds to overcome.  The techniques should be very effective for you—unless you have failed to mention anti-depressants, pain pills or the odd sleeping pill.  Even if you are not dependent on these meds, they can impact your sexual performance.

My sister sexpert Lou Paget and I discussed the most recent research on the role of SSRIs in inhibiting sexuality, male and female.  We agreed:  No wonder so many couples aren’t having sex.  Even a moderate dosage can play hell with your sex drive.

Ah, but you do ejaculate with your lover.  Could psychological issues lie beneath the ejaculation drought in the marital bed?  Affair Guilt?  Religious guilt?  Or perhaps you are partners in that most erotically restricting of marriages, the angry domineering wife/passive aggressive husband?  I wrote about that a lot this summer too.

The Sexy Beast said that he “walked on egg shells” around his wife, did not tell her what he felt or thought about anything—and “went along” so she wouldn’t “go off.”   He let her bully him; and she despised him for it.  Do you live in the dark place too?

 

Q. “I have a dark secret, one I’ve not shared with anyone.  I’ve never had an orgasm.  I’m 46, my lifetime number is 12, been married for ten years, mother of two—and NOT ONE ORGASM.  WTF—is wrong with me?  People look at me and see good husband, great kids, fulfilling job, comfortable lifestyle—and I wonder do they ever see the real me?  What happens to women who never reach orgasm?”  Carly, Phoenix, Arizona.

A.  Well, darling, they develop scowls that Botox can’t alleviate. Their hip moves become restricted   It gets very ugly from there.  But don’t despair.

You will have an orgasm.  Download the copy of The Orgasm Loop that Lindsey will get to you and many others over the next few days.  Learn the O Loop.  And just do it.

I want to hear from you again, ok?  Don’t feel alone.  Millions of women out there look great but share your secret.  Do it for them too. 

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime.

ASK AUNTIE SUE: Reader Questions on Bondage Play, Re-igniting Passion--& "Why can't I orgasm without a towel?"

Auntie Sue's legs, photo by Trent

 

Is there any time and place more beautiful and poignant than autumn in New York?  (Paris in the spring is beautiful and hopeful.)  I can rhapsodize over the season because I missed the freakish October Nor’Easter.  Like all long-time New Yorkers, I’ve had a tempestuous love/hate affair with the city.  My passion for it is re-ignited each perfectly crisp and sunny fall day.

Speaking of passion, to the mail—

 

Q. “For our tenth anniversary last week, my wife gave me a pair of Velcro cuffs.  ‘What are you trying to tell me?’ I asked her.  She stormed out of the room and still refuses to discuss her gift.  Why such a reaction?  I was, and still am, confused regarding her intentions.  Does she want to cuff me?  Or have me cuff her?”  Brendan, Chicago, Illinois.

A.  Since she seems unable to talk about what she wants, send her a simple text message asking, Who wears the cuffs?

I love the idea of expressing erotic desires through sharing a book, a film, a sex toy—but that opens the door to verbal communication.  She seems to have closed it.  Should she fail to respond to your text message—bring home flowers and put the cuffs under her pillow.  When she finds them, whisper, Show me.

If she storms out of the room again, lock the bedroom door and let her sleep on the couch.

Ever the optimist, I am assuming she will hold out her wrists to you.  Women are often embarrassed about their submissive dreams; and often we are most shy about sharing them with the men we love best.  It is incredibly exciting to be bound and ravished now and again.  You might enjoy switching roles with her to experience both sides.  When you’re ready to move on to a more sophisticated (yet user-friendly) bondage system, order Babeland’s Under The Bed Restraints. 

 

Q. “My girlfriend keeps talking about ‘re-igniting our passion.’  We’re both in our mid-thirties, together five years.  We need to ‘re-ignite?’  Really?  Isn’t that for old people? Can you explain what’s going on with her?”  Marcus, San Jose, California.

A.  Yes.  She is bored with the sex.  I’ve written about The Desire Curve in The Sex Bible for Women.  Most of us fall from the height of desire by three years into the relationship.  The age of the lovers matters less than the age of the relationship.  Contrary to the conventional wisdom, women grow tired of the sexual routine faster than men do.

Pay attention when she begs you to light her fire.  Take the following advice from a SexyPrime reader in Melbourne, Australia:

“I am almost 57, have been married to the same woman for 35 years. I love her more now than ever and I am turned on still by seeing her naked. We have had issues like her infidelity and I have my faults BUT we are working together to restore the passion in our sex. Your books which I have purchased and downloaded onto my iphone kindle app are just what we wanted. I love your honesty and the direct way you write. You say it like it is. Thank you.”

That is a wise man.  Order some books and emulate him.

 

Q. “I accidentally developed my masturbation pattern as a teenager.  Coming out of the shower, I rubbed the towel vigorously between my legs until I had an orgasm.  I married at 21; and in the first few months, he could get hard again quickly and I came from intercourse the second time.  For the next ten years, I faked with him and had my own occasional orgasms in the bathroom with my towel.  Then we divorced.  I had one long-term relationship in eight years; and it played out sexually the same way.  Now I am seeing someone who really turns me on.  How can I orgasm without the towel?”  Kendra, an American ex-pat living in India.

A.  A significant minority of women learn how to orgasm this way.  But, my dear, it is time to drop towel.  (Doesn’t it chafe your delicate tissues?)

The short answer to the question, How can I come during intercourse? Is:  Give yourself direct clitoral stimulation by hand or vibrator—or ask him to do it for you.  Most women can’t reach orgasm without the extra stroking.

I created The Orgasm Loop because readers kept asking:  How can I come during intercourse without touching myself?  But O Loop does more than satisfy that request.  It gives women longer, stronger orgasms and encourages multiples.  Learning the technique is like learning how to ride a bike.  You’ll have it for life.

  

Photo Credit: The Orgasm Loop

 

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

 

ASK AUNTIE SUE--Readers Ask Some Familiar Questions

Auntie Sue's legs, photo by Trent

 

Every few months a wave of questions on faking orgasms sweeps into my email inbox.  Today I'm referring you back to one of my favorite columns--a post that brought "penis slapping" to the attention of many.  Enjoy the re-visit.

If you are a faking woman, read the Orgasm Manifesto, learn The Orgasm Loop--and never fake again.

Photo Credit: The Orgasm Loop

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

ASK AUNTIE SUE--Reader Questions on Libido Wars, The Good Affair--& "His Ex Killed the Sex"

Auntie Sue's legs, photo by Trent

 

 

The weather has been perfect in New York City the past few days--warm, sunny afternoons, cool crisp evenings--and I have been savoring every minute of my remaining days.  On Saturday night, Mel and Lorraine took me to see "Arias with a Twist" featuring drag diva Joey Arias, clever puppets and smashing sets.  What a brilliant and sophisticated show it was.  Surveying the eclectic mix of ages, genders and sexual persuasions that made up the audience, I felt back in the "real" Manhattan again. Going out has become--with the exception of Harlem, the most diverse part of the city--a segregated experience, venue choices targeted to drunken boys and girls; richer drunken boys and girls; the wealthy old, the women with plastic faces; the younger old, checking strollers that don't belong to grandchildren--and many other groups claiming their hard drinking or fine dining territory.  Unbelievably, one must look for diversity in the city while across the Hudson in Montclair, New Jersey, Diversity is the primary article of community faith.

I've been busy on both sides of the river, seeing old friends and making new ones.  Bonus:  My hometown St. Louis Cardinals are national league champions to the nephew Harry's delight.  With so much going on, I've been too busy for the Republican debates, but I catch up on Friday nights watching Bill Maher on HBO.  

To the questions--

 

Photo Credit: The Sex Bible

 

Q.  "My wife and I are coming up on our twentieth anniversary.  In the beginning, we were mutually hot to shag, then I was more hot for her than she was for me--and now she is a wild cat and I am the aging lion who has his moments when he is not sunning himself on a rock looking the alpha cat (i. e., working 50 hours a week as a barrister.)  She laughingly says that ours is not The War of the Roses but The Libido Wars.  How can I satisfy her in new and creative ways that save my energy--besides asking her to be on top, our fall-back position?"  Clive, London.

A.  People who can giggle at their bedroom issues can fix almost anything.  You don't take yourselves too seriously--thank god, because I no longer suffer fools who do.  Some ideas:

1.  Vibrators!  Expand her sex toy collection.  Make it a "rule" that she try out new vibes with you.  My favorite U.K. site: Wicked Tickles where there is also appealing lingerie.  In the U.S., of course, my allegiance is to BABELAND.

2.  See "Soft Play:  Penis Games For The Limp and Willing".

3.  "Playing at the Edge" is a very popular sex tip which you can find in The Sex Bible and Best Sex Ever.

Short form:  She sits with her back against the headboard; you sit between her legs with your penis at the edge of her vagina.  Stimulate her clitoris while stroking her vagina with the head of your penis.

 

Q.   "I've had a lover for five years, more than a friend with benefits, but not a committed relationship.  I'm going to marry another man-- a wonderful man who shares my values and wants to have a family with me.  Is it wrong to want to keep the lover, though see him less frequently?  I've been reading that a good affair could have a marriage.  What do you think?"  SueLynne, a California girl.

A.  Two of my guy pals, Michael and Steven Otero, Sexy Spirits, sent me an article from The Daily Beast:  "Is Cheating The Secret To A Happy Marriage?"  (I will review the book, The Secret Lives of Wives later his week.)  Yes, a case can be made that discreet affairs may help a marriage.  

I don't advise people on whether they should "cheat" or not.   That's not my job.  BUT you are going into the marriage planning to have a lover.  Your fiance needs to know that.  Find a good therapist.  Then have a conversation with your man.  Let me know what happens.

 

Q.  "My husband's ex-wife has killed our sex life.  They've been divorced five years, but she won't let go.  She holds their son over his head as she tries to control our lives.  And she writes nasty emails about me--that our relatives and friends forward--and posts mean comments on Facebook.  I am under such stress because of her that I can't have sex.  My husband says that is no excuse.  Can't stress lead to loss of desire?  Ironically, he says she is a sexual prude and he didn't get much sex in that marriage either,"  Second-Hand Wife Janet, Michigan.

A.  None of us can control the behavior of others; we can only control our responses to that behavior.  

In the past few years, I have antagonized a man who threatened via email to "bring me down."  I filed it under Internet Threats and sent to my lawyer who said, "He'd better hope you don't have an accident."  And I antagonized a woman who speaks ill of me to professional associates and may or may not have cost me a job.  Lawyer says that is grounds for a law suit.  I have a full plate; and I don't care what she says.  If people listen to hateful diatribes without even asking the target of the hate for her side of the story--they are ignorant. On the other hand, those who pass on the emails and Facebook posts are petty.

You, my dear Second-Hand Wife, tell the whole story in your signature.  You have ceded your sex life to a bitter, jealous prude.  If we let the prudes dominate us, the terrorists have won.

Yes, stress can be a factor in low libido.  YOU need to learn how to manage your responses and your stress level.   Learn how to meditate.  Buy this book:  Buddha's Brain:  hapiness, love & wisdom.  Buy a new vibrator.  And have you considered couples therapy?

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime