SexyPrime, a blog by Susan Crain Bakos

SPECTACULAR SEX MOVES HE'LL NEVER FORGET--7 New Questions with Dr. Sonia Borg

One of my favorite people, Dr. Sonia Borg, has a new book: Spectacular Sex Moves He’ll Never Forget—and it is truly filled with incredible moves developed by the most erotically creative person I’ve ever met.  Once again, I had the honor of test-driving some of her new moves while she was writing the book.  Oh, yes!

“The Wicked Tongue Game,” my first interview with Sonia on her two fabulous oral sex books is the most popular SexyPrime interview ever.  That does not surprise me.  She is the most fun therapist I’ve ever met—a smart, sexy, savvy and sophisticated woman with warmth and empathy. 

Trust me:  You want all of her books.  They are perfect gems.

 

SexyPrime—

What is your most memorable experience while developing the brilliant techniques and positions in the new book?  (I remember emailing you a question about the slide and you had done it quite successfully with your partner.)

Sonia—

It was a version of the Power Lunch move in Spectacular Sex Moves He’ll Never Forget--on a blind lunch date set up through a mutual friend.  I always wear something that makes me feel sexy on a first date, so I showed up wearing heels, and sun-dress that turned sheer when the sun hit it. I remember walking down the street to the restaurant and passing a local hamburger joint with outside bar style seating.  When I passed the men, I gave a smile. That’s when I realized that I might be heading in the wrong direction, so I turned to look back to check the address and I noticed that every single man sitting at that bar was leaning over their plates to get a look. It was the kind of moment when I was wondering, “What in the world are they looking at that is putting such a smile on their face?”  I even looked to see what it was.  That’s when it occurred to me that I wasn’t wearing panties. It wasn’t intended for them, but I felt appreciated like one of the natural wonders of the world, graced with femininity.  I was ready for my lunch date.

My date turned out to be an incredibly sexy man: gentle, kind, good sense of humor, great body and strong presence.  Conversation went well, and I learned that we had both recently become single after being in relationships.  This was his first date in 15 years.  I just kept thinking, “my gosh what would that be like to go on a first date after being in a relationship for that long?” 

I knew I wanted him to be my lover, but aside from what I was wearing, I had no “plan.”  But, without thinking twice, I looked him in the eye, pushed my napkin off the table and asked him to get it for me.  I opened my legs.  He came up with a smile on his face and the white napkin of surrender in his hand.  That was the first move for Sex Positions He’ll Never Forget and the first date to an epic love affair. 

SexyPrime—

A brilliant move—simple yet incredibly effective.  Being involved with you has to be a real treat for a man.  You'e hot, you're sexy, you're fun--and you do stuff nobody else has thought to do.  Your lover(s) can't believe his luck - or he might be intimidated.  If he is, how would you handle that? 

Sonia—

Well, honestly, the treat is mine because when it’s the right person, I get to give these kinds of gifts.  In many ways, my books are about gift giving.

I realize that most men have not dated a Sex Writer, Sex Coach, and Ph.D.   I have learned to recognize the men who are intimidated and their reaction to their own fears.  I don’t try to change them or change their mind.  I politely thank them for the date and wish them well.  I refuse to enter a relationship where we let silly stuff get in the way and block our sexuality.  Let’s have great communication, be accountable, learn and move on so we can enjoy the best sex that life has to offer, or the best life that sex has to offer.

SexyPrime—

Great advice—and more people should take it.  According to a recent report, Baby Boomers, many of whom are newly out of long term relationships, say that sex peaked at 35, is over by 45. Half the men are dissatisfied with their sex lives.  Frankly, I think they'd all be happier if they read your books.  Don't you think most people need help to come up with new sex ideas?  It's not an innate skill.

Sonia—

Boomers or not, many people buy into some dreams about love and relationship that they thought would bring guaranteed happiness for the rest of their lives.  Then life happens and when it does, it’s hard to see the options or solutions. Not knowing our options or what we can do, can cause dissatisfaction. 

Boomers grew up in a different time, when there was less information on sex and more sexual shame and guilt.  Unfortunately, the cost of a sex negative attitude is very harmful.  People shut down sexually.  They don’t know how to access that part of themselves and can develop sexual dysfunction, which is just the outward manifestation of many years of repressing a normal and natural desire. 

Sex isn’t bad. It’s the dishonesty and lies behind sex that give it a bad wrap.  That’s why my books are lighthearted and playful.  They give people permission to enjoy and see sex differently.  Changing our perception is the first step to curing sex negative attitudes and the dysfunctions that come with them.

Boomers (and aging Gen X-ers) may buy into the myths that aging people don’t have sex.  I say that is crap.  Sex can be oral, anal, kissing, caressing, penetration, no penetration—the menu is huge.  My job as a Sex Coach is to help clients find new opportunities for growth in aging, or any change, and give them new tools and techniques to help facilitate the change.  Sex is play, one of the best kinds, and being playful keeps us young.   

In answer to your question, yes, people need help in learning new skills; they are not innate. We are creatures of habit and that is true even when making love to ourselves.  Research has shown that people will keep their same masturbation patterns for their entire life, UNLESS, they consciously decided to do something different. The same is true for lovemaking with a partner.  When this comfortable pattern emerges, people perceive that the spark is fading, but often times, the remedy is simply to try something new.  Between all three books, I have over 130 different ideas to keep things fresh and every scene comes with a new technique or a new move that could improve lives.   

SexyPrime—

Creativity is the X factor in bed.  How do you suggest readers nurture and develop their sexual creativity (after buying your books, of course)?

Sonia—

I am going to create a bumper sticker that says, “You can’t suck on the wrong end,”  I think we stifle creativity when we are too concerned about technique and doing it wrong.  But worrying doesn’t make things better it just creates anxiety to the point where people can’t literally perform.   It’s called performance anxiety. Men and women get it. Don’t worry about doing it wrong.    Instead, practice techniques to last longer, have multiples, body orgasms, etc., during masturbation and then let it go so you can be free to express yourself, to play, to create and be in the moment with your partner/s.      

Encourage and give each other permission to be silly and do something different. I love Kinsey’s quote, “The only unnatural sex act, is the one you can’t perform.”  Many people who come into my office are looking for sexual permission to try something new and different. I refer them to my books.

Have a sexual adventure—something you have never done. Have sex for different reasons. There are so many reasons why people say they don’t have sex these days: stress, fatigue, conflict, finances, headaches and other aches, etc. Why not let these be reasons to have sex? Sex is amazing healing and for whatever pains or stressors sex doesn’t alleviate, it will likely improve your connection so a more open-hearted conversation can happen.  My former lover and I did what we called “the naked hug.”  We would get naked and hug for difficult conversations.  Or, for the more playful couples, do one of the scenarios like, The Stimulus Plan, from my latest book, Positions He’ll Never Forget, where you fuck about it instead of fight about it.   Lather yourselves up with baby oil and wrestle out those conflicts…….naked.  Then in the after party, you can laugh about how ridiculous it would have been to hold a grudge and be sexless for the next month.

The series of my books is called never forget and I think that title is appropriate because no matter what happens, couples can look back at the sexy memories they created from doing one of the scenes in my books to help them get through the challenging times. They can look at each other and say, “We were sexy, we were passionate, we were playful together and we can be that way again and again and again. We just have to figure out a way.”

SexyPrime—

Does technique improve when lovers get more creative in their play?

Sonia—

Creativity is defined by dictionary.com as:

The ability to transcend traditional ideas, rules, patterns, relationships, or the like, and to create meaningful new ideas, forms, methods, interpretations, etc.; . . .

Techniques in themselves are flat. Every orgasm is different and every partner is different in what turns them on, turns them wild and makes them go boom.  Transcend the rules and patterns of the technique to the person and their sexual response cycle to create meaningful new ideas, and you have just created your own move.   

SexyPrime—

Do you find that helping clients improve their sex lives has an effect on their lives in general?  When the sex gets better, do they have more energy, for example, or report more willingness to work on relationship issues?  What are the first good things to happen when the sex gets better?

Sonia— 

Yes, absolutely.  This is why I do the work I do.  We are inherently sexual beings, but years of sex negative thinking has caused major blocks in our ability to enjoy our own sexuality, which is our birthright. We are meant to have pleasure.  Our sexual energies are so incredibly powerful. Removing whatever is blocking people, frees them up and changes their lives almost instantly and with relatively little effort.  The world is a better place.  Anything can happen and does.

You and I aren’t the only ones who believe in using our sexual energies to improve our lives. Taoist philosophy refer to sexual energy, or chi as an essential part of our total physical energy.  The second chakra, which houses our sexual energy is responsible for our sexual desire, creativity, and personal power.  So, it makes sense how simply removing these blocks can change our lives. 

SexyPrime—

Sonia,, what's next?  I already can't wait for your next book--and I know my readers feel the same way.  

Sonia—

Thank you Susan. I love Sexy Prime. Positions she will never forget will be going to print very soon and I am currently working on my next book, Marathon Sex.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

WITH ONE EYE OPEN (And The Other Winking)--7 Questions with Polly Frost

 
 

I am a fan of journalist, humorist and erotica writer Polly Frost—and I’m one of many.  Among her other fan groups, Polly has the most devoted circle of Facebook friends—and deservedly so.  She has created a brilliant concept, Polly’s Questions, which is like an online salon.  Polly knows great people with interesting things to say and she poses wonderful questions—making the whole experience far superior to the average date with FB. 

Polly’s answers to my questions, by the way, provide some excellent advice to young and struggling authors or, for that matter, older authors striving to re-invent themselves in a tough economy.  Forward this link to the writers and other creatives in your life.

 

SexyPrime:  So my first question to Polly—As an admirer, I want to know--

How did you get to be you? 

POLLY: Thank you so much, Susan! I’m a huge fan of your writing. Your honesty is super hot and super smart. I also love how you combine being so sharp with being compassionate.

If there’s any “me” there that’s worth knowing, it’s because of the people who’ve so generously helped me to find the best in myself.

My husband Ray Sawhill is a brilliant writer who has taught me a huge amount about writing. I’ve also been very inspired by his interest in other people and how he finds something fascinating in everyone he meets. Ray is much better than I am at asking people questions!

I was also fortunate to meet generous people in the arts who showed me what it really meant to live a life as a creative person. To give but one example: when I was in my early twenties I studied music with an incredible teacher in L. A., Leonard Stein. He didn’t just teach me about music, he introduced me to composers and performers who were living the arts life. He drove me around L. A. and pointed out where my music idols -- Igor Stravinsky and Arnold Schoenberg -- had lived, and where they ate and even where they played tennis. In other words, he made being a musician a living, breathing reality to me. Even though I quickly realized I didn’t have enough talent to be a professional musician -- I mean, Leonard’s students had included Marni Nixon, Frank Zappa and Anthony Newman! -- still, Leonard taught me about the kind of tenacity and commitment it takes to be a creative person and that carried over into writing for me.

Too often we think of being an artist or writer as this heroic struggle of a solitary individual.  I have learned that being an artist or writer is really about being part of a community. No writer does it all on their own.

And that’s why I like to ask my questions on Facebook. Social networking is not just about self-promotion, but about building community. I hope that people enjoy the discussions around my questions—and the questions bring them together with other people—and that they come away thinking new thoughts.

                   

 SexyPrime:  Sex and humor--tough combo, but you do both. (I think that is harder than smart and sexy by far.) How do you manage to write well in two genres? (Any secrets for emerging writers?)

POLLY: Susan, being smart and sexy is really difficult! But thank you so much for the compliment. Humor and erotica come pretty naturally to me.  The two genres are all about having an effect on the reader or audience. And I’m nothing if not an audience baby.

Making people laugh and turning people on are very similar skills. For example, we’ve all known guys who may not be that great looking but use humor to seduce women. And that makes them very cocky and confident, as if by making a woman laugh, they’ve essentially gotten her in bed. (And often they have.)

The case could be made that humor is, in fact, one of the most aggressively seductive genres you can write in. Great satire says to the reader, “This is how you like to think you are, but I’m going to show you what you’re really up to -- and you’re going to love it!” A humorist is essentially undressing the reader, taking away their pretensions, and pleasing them all at the same time.

One of the best things writers can do, especially when they’re starting out, is to work in different genres.  Writers are often told to “brand” themselves, to work in only one genre so they’re identified with it. But in today’s ever-changing world of writing, that’s a mistake. It’s better to have two or three kinds of writing you can do because you’re more likely to have something you can sell.

 Also, working in different genres is like cross-training as an athlete. I have learned so much about comedy writing from my erotica writing and vice versa. I’ve also written a great deal of journalism -- reviews, interviews, articles -- and that is wonderful training for fiction writers. You learn to make deadlines. You learn to get to the point and to get your information across.

 My biggest tip for an emerging writer would be this: try out different genres in small ways, through writing short stories, rather than novels. Don’t be too critical of your efforts. Realize that what you learn from working in a new genre will enhance your other writing, even if you don’t become a master of it.

SexyPrime:  Polly, that is great advice, especially about avoiding “branding” if you can.  I was branded without consent decades ago.  Thank god for ghostwriting so I can tackle different subjects occasionally.   

As I started the first story in Deep Inside: Ten Compelling Tales of Supernatural Erotica--I thought, omigod, she is writing about sex and schoolgirls. How tricky is that?  and so it is my question to you—

How tricky is that? 

POLLY: Thank you! To be honest, it wasn’t tricky at all because I wrote that piece as a theater monologue. Several actresses read the story in front of different live audiences.  So I had a chance to see how it worked. The initial reaction that I could actually heae was often just like the one you had, “Omigod, she is writing about sex and schoolgirls!”

Then I’d start to hear laughter and see nods of recognition from those same people in the audience. People would come up to me afterwards and tell me I’d really captured the inner schoolgirl in them!

I have to say that doing readings of erotica in front of live audiences is the best way to test your material. And working with really good actresses is also wonderful. Great actresses are fearless. They just get into the material in a completely non-judgmental way.

 

SexyPrime:  Why do you think all aspects of sex and the supernatural are hot now? I don't quite understand the rise of this super trend.

POLLY: A lot of Americans are more comfortable with eroticism when it comes in a supernatural package. They can accept erotica -- not to mention their own kinky sex fantasies -- if there’s that extra layer of unreality. But I think the best supernatural erotica has a strong element of recognition to it, no matter what dimension it takes the reader into.

SexyPrime:  You nailed that one.  As soon as you said, I thought, of course, she’s right.  Switching gears again, were you always funny?

POLLY: I always wrote funny, but I wouldn’t say I go around being funny every day. In fact, in real life I’m better at moping than I am at being funny. My husband will attest to that!

When it comes to writing: yes, I always wrote funny. Yet for a long time I didn’t want to be a funny writer. I wanted to be a serious literary figure -- somebody like Kathryn Harrison or Susan Minot or Deborah Eisenberg. I wanted my book jacket photo to look wonderfully glamorous and yet moody and deep, the way those writers look in theirs. I wanted to write searing memoirs about the traumas I’d gone through or novels about people on their deathbed or political short stories about Central America that would get me a Genius grant.

But I’m just awful at writing serious literature. My attempts at that kind of stuff have just made readers giggle. I’ve reconciled myself to the fact that I’ll never win a Genius grant. Still, I often have moments when I think, “Goddammit, am I never going to be taken seriously?”        

The answer is: probably not. Those women are very good at what they write, and I love getting depressed by their books. But it’s my karma to be a funny writer, and I think it’s bad form to argue with karma, so I’ve learned to go with the funny and leave the serious stuff to the Minots, Harrisons and Eisenbergs of this world.

SexyPrime:  Ah, yes, I too once longed to be a literary writer depressing the women who loved to read them.  Sigh.  But I LOVE One Eye Open, your humor collection.  I laughed out loud in public places while reading it.  (Readers, buy this book.)  How much of this book is really your life vs. imagination or exaggeration? 

POLLY: That’s a really interesting question. The relationship of imagination and exaggeration to humor is key. Were I to teach humor writing, it’s one of the things I would concentrate on.

On the one hand, humorous material is all around us. You just have to be observant enough to get it down. But as a humor writer you have to bring your own comic perspective to the material.

 Some of the greatest satirists have used extreme exaggeration in order to make their points. Jonathan Swift comes immediately to mind.

 And there are humorists who are really good at seeming to just record what happens to them. David Sedaris is a genius at that. I’m also a huge fan of Dave Barry. Erma Bombeck was brilliant at getting what’s funny about everyday life. But if we examined their comic personae, I think we’d see exaggeration in the way they’ve crafted the humorous perspectives of “Dave Barry,” “Erma Bombeck” and “David SedarisThe answer is that there’s always exaggeration in satire. But what marks the really good humorists is that they seem to be telling it like it is. I hope that’s the case with my humor writing!        

        

SexyPrime:  Yes, it is definitely the case. Those of us who write about, i.e. cannibalize, our lives put out vast reams of personal material. Yet we are not just that. Maybe we are not that all because we have moved on from the position while others are still fighting it out on the internet, taking sides for or against us.

Can you get the real Polly Frost to stand up when you want her to? And what happens to the avatars?

POLLY: I agree with you, Susan. We writers do use our personal lives.  Yet the act of writing about something deeply personal makes it public property. And writing about it frees us from it so we can move on, while our audience is reading about where we were! So it all can be kind of confusing and writers can end up with more avatars than they know what to do with, as well as having to defend something they’ve moved on from.

However, the kind of writing I do is different than the kind of writing you do. I really admire the way you’re out there in your essays. You’re much more exposed than I am, really. 

It’s not that I don’t put personal experience into my humor. I do. And it’s often not pretty stuff! My humor is generally inspired by anger, sorrow, frustration, annoyance -- by negative emotions, in other words.

Yet writing humor is transformative. That’s the beauty of it. I think every humor writer knows that feeling when they transform pain into laughter.

The end result is very different than if I were to write an essay on the topic. People don’t respond to my humor by taking issue with it the way they would with an essay on the same topic. They either laugh or they don’t laugh.

It’s the same with my erotica writing -- they’re either turned on and excited by it, or not. That’s why I love the kind of writing I do.

SexyPrime:  I have to take the last word here:  Brilliant!

Polly Frost, you are brilliant.  Thank you so much.

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime.

THE WICKED TONGUE GAME--7 Questions with Dr. Sonia Borg

 

My friend (and sister Quiver Books author) Dr. Sonia Borg is that rarity among therapists—she is fun.  Her approach to sex is joyful, creative and sexy as hell.  I was privileged to road test some of the techniques in her two innovative books on oral sex:  Oral Sex She'll Never Forget and Oral Sex He'll Never Forget—and I added some new tricks to my repertoire.  (In addition to trying out every technique we lay down on the page, we sex writers ask friends to road test them too.  Readers, this is science at its finest.) 

 

 

 

SexyPrime—

Sonia, NOBODY has ever come up with as many truly creative scenarios for oral sex as you have.  Where do you get your inspiration?

 Sonia—

“Thank you very much. If you asked this question last year, I would have said ‘I have no idea.’ But now I know that I source my ideas.  I get inspiration everywhere, but what I NEVER do is shut down an idea. I build on them.   I get ideas everywhere all the time.  

“I put the question out there to the universe and wait for an answer. For example, the Slinging Dixie move [in her next book Spectacular Sex Moves, coming in December but available for pre-order now] was written because I walked out to my car in the Starbucks parking lot and asked myself, ‘What hasn't been done before in the car?’ Hmm… seat belts. How can we use the seat belts?  

“I got into my car, took off my shoes and wrapped my feet in the sling. Then I tried it with my partner and came up with some great variations. I get ideas while having sex and it's not unlike my lover or I to say, ‘That needs to go in the book.’  

“And I get ideas from NOT having sex. I have gotten some of my best ideas when I have gone through my longest dry spells.  I call them sex mirages. On first glance it sucks to not have a lover, because my life is so much richer when I am having frequent sex.  But I put that energy into my writing and it turns out to be very imaginative and sexy.

“Finally, I owe some of my ideas to my writing structure whereby I set a timer and just write for 15 minutes non stop. It's fascinating what comes up when we allow.  Writing is like sex in that regard. We all benefit from allowance and permission giving.   There are a lot of ideas, but the ones that make it in the book are the ones that make me feel exhilarated to think about or try it. This is the ultimate test because a large part of the fun in my scenarios is the anticipation of gifting your lover.” 

 

SexyPrime—

I’m impressed.  The only idea I ever got from not having sex with a partner is:  I love my vibes but I want to have sex with a man.  Do you think it is possible for a man or woman to be great at oral sex if he or shedoesn't really enjoy performing it (vs. doing it out of love or quid pro quo)?

Sonia—

“We can only go so far on technique alone.  But I think that everyone can LEARN to love oral sex and THEN they can be truly amazing.”  

 

SexyPrime—

 

Men tell me that most women do not have a wicked tongue game.  Do you think that is true?  And if so, why (or why would you disagree)?  

Sonia—

“I love the word ‘wicked.’ It's so East Coast.  Yes, I do think that is true—because there is still shame around sex for women and wanting sex. There is so much shame that women can’t even about it.  If they can’t talk about sex because of shame, they don't seek out opportunities to become educated or even to have sex.   Sadly, sex is not a priority to most people.     

“Also, a lot of women think all they have to do is show up to please their man with ‘pleasing’ usually defined by him having an orgasm. While showing up may be partially true for successful intercourse, it is not true for successful oral sex.  

“There are sharp objects (teeth) involved in oral sex and the man has less control, so it can be really frustrating and perhaps even painful if the giver is not skilled.  A male porn star at the last photo shoot I attended said he was surprised that the female porn starts didn't even know how to give a good blow job or hand job for that matter.  This is unfortunate, especially when so many people look to porn for sex education.”

 

SexyPrime—

Yes, it freaks me out how many people get their sex ed from porn. It's entertainment, fantasy, not sex ed!   What about the flip side of that question:  Are most men good at cunnilingus or not?

Sonia—

“If a man is not good at cunnilingus, he should consider becoming good. Cunnilingus is an excellent skill for a man to have because some women can't climax without it. There will likely be a time in a man's life where he won't be able to penetrate or use his preferred style of lovemaking.   Generally speaking, more men than women will put energy into becoming a good lover. Men don't hold the belief that they just need to show up for sex to happen and that belief carries over to cunnilingus.”   

 

SexyPrime—

I’m glad to hear you say that, generally speaking, men try harder to be good lovers.   Many men read SexyPrime and my books.  They send technique tips and aks good questions.  How important do you think oral skills are in lovemaking?

Sonia— 

“Well, It is incredibly important to me. I see skills as colors on the pallet. The more colors, or skills you have, the more you can mix and create new colors/sexual experiences, the more dynamic the painting/lovemaking.  But that's me.  

“Some people don't like giving or receiving oral and that is okay. As a Sex Coach, I can tell them that oral skills may come in handy throughout our lives in a multitude of ways: 1) Variety. A variety of positions, was rated as the best predictor for a man's sexual satisfaction. 2) Climax.  Some people can't climax without oral sex. 3)  Loss of functionality or ability. If you cannot penetrate for some reason, you can still make love through oral sex. 4) It can make you smarter. Sure you can create new neural pathways in your brain by taking a new way to work or opening the door with your non-dominant hand (insert yawn here), but why not try a new sexual skill? 5) Sensory experience.  One of the best things about oral sex is that it is a full-on sensory experience.  You are right there between their legs, in full contact, tasting, smelling, touching, and looking up at them as they go through the entire sexual response cycle from beginning to end.  That is a lot of information that you can take to other sexual activities and to your life.   

 

SexyPrime—

Did you ever try an oral scenario that didn't work?  (Everything in your books works briliiantly.)  Or have your heard stories about oral disasters?

Sonia—

“Well, when I was about 9 years old, I tried to give myself a blow job with the hair dryer. I didn't see the big deal. It didn't work. In my late 20's, I broke a perfectly good vacuum cleaner trying to achieve the same sensation as oral sex. That was a disaster. My carpets were a mess.  

“Seriously, no, because the scenarios are designed to inspire readers. Learn the moves, practice the moves, and then forget about technique and be in the moment. Have fun with sex, be light with it and play.  Play is the state where you will find creativity, passion, and for some people, freedom.”

 

SexyPrime—

Great attitude!  How would you answer if a man or woman said to you, "My partner is perfect in every way except he or she won't do oral--should I marry him or her anyway?

Sonia— 

“I would say, ‘That doesn't sound perfect to me.’  I do get this question and it is very upsetting for me because it just tells me that people aren't valuing sex and not comprehending what sex can do for their lives and their marriage.  

“Society discounts the value of sex in a marriage with sayings like,  ‘Sex isn't everything.’ It's not everything, I agree, but a big chunk of everything.  Sex is energy and the major life force of the universe. How can it not be important?  

“No one wants to be told what to do or lectured, so as a their Sex Coach or Clinical Sexologist, I ask them: ‘Do you want to live the rest of their life without oral sex?’ If they can answer ‘Yes.’ then I suggest they postpone their marriage and go without oral sex for a year and a half.  I suggest this because they need to feel their own appetite for oral sex. It's kind of like agreeing to a diet of bread and water when you are not hungry. If they can go a year and a half without wanting or obsessing about oral sex and be just as joyful, happy, and loving to their partner, then yes, I would say that they can entertain marriage with that person.

“But if they are thinking their partner will give them more oral sex after marriage, think again. Oral sex frequency tends to decline rather than increase after marriage.”

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

"DON'T GO AGAINST THE VULVA!": 7 Questions With Mara Altman

 
  

Mara and I were drinking wine at Maxie's Grill when she said; “You have to put yourself in your cunt.”

And so an idea was born: IT’S VULVA WEEK ON SEXYPRIME!

We’d just taped an interview with Steve Otero for his Mondos Eros radio show. I believe we made web radio history, the first ever interview on the steps of Maxie’s—and while sharing a mobile on speakerphone setting. (I’d left my phone in the Boy Toy’s bed after breaking up with him that day.) Not one to waste access to a quotable person, I pressed her to do a 7 Questions interview with me before calling it a night.  

7 Questions With Mara Altman, author of Thanks for Coming: One Young Woman’s Quest For An Orgasm (Harper Perennial)

SUSAN: Mara, my readers who have read the previous post, The Orgasm Quest, know that you went in search of your own orgasm and more or less found it. You describe your first one as akin to a sneeze. The journey makes for one of the most entertaining sex books ever written—though I advise readers to pick up my books when they are ready for actual sex tips.

My first question is: What was the big lesson you took away from your quest?

MARA: I learned how to get my f’ing O. I learned what I like and how to communicate that to a lover without any kind of shame/embarrassment or neurotic societal absorbed it-s-not-okay-to-be-assertive B.S. Okay, with a little bit but a lot less than before.

The biggest lesson for me was learning how to be intimate with another person. You have to know yourself before you can let someone else into your space. I had always wanted to please, but it’s not about that. I also learned that there is more to life than work.

SUSAN: I hate that word—intimate. Women throw it around as if it were holy water sprinkled on sex acts to take the nasty out of them. I prefer “connect” or “know” even “relate to” though I hate re-la-tion-ship. But I’ll let you pass this time.

At the end of your yearlong trek through Sex World (the sex education/research industrial complex)—do you consider yourself a skilled lover now?

MARA: I’ve brought myself up to normal now. I know that I have been cerebral about things that should be carnal. I hope to become more orgasmic and more adept as a lover. I want to take my orgasm to the superhighway.

SUSAN: And who knows what is “normal”? You are an adorable petite woman with those big doe eyes—the requisite hair strands falling innocently across them—the vulnerable type many men love. Yet I sense you could leave a man crippled and broken and take no responsibility for the maiming. Perhaps in girl terms, that is “normal.”

How important do you think the cock is to orgasm?

MARA: It’s not. It doesn’t matter at all. That was a surprise. I wanted it to be more.

SUSAN: So, you had the great feminine awakening: I am responsible for my own orgasm?

MARA: The more I went down the road of expecting him to do it for me, the further I got from orgasm. I was separating myself from my genitals—and expecting him to make my equipment work for me.

SUSAN: You didn’t masturbate, did you?

MARA: Not very much—and not effectively. I was inhibited. I know that sounds ridiculous since I was raised by sex-positive parents. Now I tell women: Go fuck yourself and please enjoy.

SUSAN: And you had some body issues with your genitals?

MARA: I worried that there might be something wrong with me. I was afraid to touch myself What if I wasn’t normal? I’d been to the gynecologist so apparently everything was all right, but I wasn’t confident.

SUSAN: And what is the best orgasm you ever had (to date)?

MARA: In the fMRI machine at Rutgers. I wanted to please the scientists, especially Barry. He’s such a sweet man.

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

 

SHE DID IT FOR SCIENCE (Okay, Maybe Not): Seven Questions With Reverend Jen

If you live, work or hang out on Manhattan's Lower East Side, you may have passed on the street a pretty brunette wearing fake elf ears walking (or carrying) her chihuahua dog.  Asking the question, "Who/What the hell was that?" indicates that you are so uncool you don't even recognize the self-proclaimed Patron Saint of the Uncool and Voice of the Downtrodden and Tired:  Reverend Jen.  And if you are so uncool, are you not de facto one of her flock.

A mail order minister ordained by the Universal Life Church, Reverend Jen has an MFA in painting from Manhattan's School of Visual Arts.  She is, among other things, a performance artist, painter, playwright, curator of The Troll Museum, and author of Live Nude Elf (Soft Skull Press),  based on her years as a columnist for nerve.com.  (You may also remember her as the Elf Queen in the underground porn flick, "Lord of the Cockrings."  She has a varied career.)

 

I heard Jen read from Live Nude Elf at a sex writers panel held earlier this week at The Sex Museum.  I digress just a minute to complain about the space allotted for this event:  a narrow boxy room with harsh lighting and no air conditioning -- not even fans.  Was the museum designed for masochists or meant to be used by the CIA for interrogating prisoners?  In spite of the environment, the panel, Zak Smith, Jonathan Ames and Reverend Jen performed admirably well.  After hearing Jen read a hilarious excerpt from her book, I knew I had to get her answers to seven questions for my readers.

 

Buy this book!

 

Seven Questions With Reverend Jen

1.  Who came up with your book's title, Live Nude Elf, and what is the significance?

 

Originally the book was going to be called "I Did It for Science" which had been the name of my column, but Nerve owned that title so I couldn't use it. My editors at Soft Skull, my agent (Jonathan Ames) and I were scrambling to come up with a new title just a few days before it went to print. I said, "I can't think of anything!" and I jumped in the shower in order to de-stress. As I began to soap up my naked elf body the title popped into my head. Since I'm naked throughout a good 80% of the book and since I've been wearing prosthetic elf ears for most of my adult life, it seemed appropriate.

 

 

2.  What motivated you to write about your sex life for nerve.com?

 

Ada Calhoun, who had interviewed me for a New York Magazine article about the Downtown performance scene, became an editor at Nerve. She suggested I pitch some stories to them, which I did. They then offered me the column and I was, financially, in no position to refuse.

 

 

3.  Ah, yes, the financial motive -- my inspiration twenty years ago for writing a monthly column on my orgasms for Penthouse Forum.  How did the writing affect your sex life?

 

When I started to write the column, I was in the midst of trying to "pull out" of a relationship that had become like Vietnam -- very messy. It was with a man who tried to control every aspect of my life and the column gave me the freedom to walk away, find new lovers and embark on the vaginal adventure of a lifetime. After all, it was my job! I also really embraced some of the things I learned along the way (g-spot orgasms and tantric sex in particular.)

 

4.  Do you ever have trouble separating your public sex persona from the private person?

 

I think sometimes people read the columns and they think I'm just par-taying, fucking and drinking all day and night. The private me is actually one of the most disciplined artists on the planet. My first love is writing followed closely by fucking and drinking.

 

5.  You've said that some of the comments people made on Nerve's website hurt your feelings. (People can be so mean on the internet where they are anonymous; I take care of them with the Delete button on my own blog.) Why did you read those comments?

 

Curiosity got the better of me, and while the majority of reader comments were positive, the negative comments were so personal and hostile, they shocked me. In retrospect, I realize they were the work of jealous haters. You know, some dude who hates women and is sitting in front of his computer in his underwear, surrounded by empty Chinese food takeout containers, feeling sorry for himself because he hasn't gotten laid in a decade, is not gonna take kindly to a fabulous strong woman writing with glee about how she sucked someone else's dick and had a great time doing it.

 

6.  Yes, I also believe that the haters lead sad, lonely pathetic lives.  What is sex like now that you don't write about it anymore?

 

Sex has taken on more of a mystical quality since the column ended. Even when it's kinky or a quickie, I'm still consciously giving and receiving energy as I learned to do in the tantric sexperiment. These days sex is my favorite psychedelic drug. Also sex is far more relaxing now that it's not on a deadline. (Though I should mention that I still write about sex plenty but I do so in laboriously constructed journal entries, which will remain under lock and key until the next book deal.)

 

7.  What is the one thing that most people don't get about sex?

 

I think the notion that sex is a goal-oriented activity leads to a lot of crappy sex. Everyone is so busy trying to shoot loads or to get their partner to shoot loads, or to shoot loads at the same time as their partner or whatever that they forget that just feeling good is good enough. Sex is not brain surgery. It should be fun. Life is stressful. Sex should not be. And don't forget to be really nice to whoever it is you're about to fuck. Niceness is always in style.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

SEXYPRIME'S FIRST BOY TOY OF THE MONTH!: Seven Questions With A Sexy, Smart--and Available Man

But, in keeping with my privacy policy, I can't show you his face or give you his name.  Sigh. 

Mister X is a professional in his late twenties, living and working in a major American city.  He is everything most women (and a fair number of men :) want in a guy:  smart, sexy, thoughtful, articulate and a true gentleman.  And he reads SexyPrime!

Seven Questions With SexyPrime's First Boy Toy Of The Month

SUSAN:   You are SexyPrime's very first Boy Toy of the Month.  And you were not chosen on the basis of that fabulous body alone.  You're a smart guy.  Smart is sexy in men.  Do you feel that's true in women too?

 
BoyToy:  It’s quite an honor; someday maybe they will name an award after me.  Yes, smart is sexy in women too.  But there are different types of smarts, and when we are talking sexy, emotional intelligence is more important than pure IQ.  Aspects such as conversational ability, self awareness, awareness of the world around them, ability to give and read non-verbal cues, and an understanding of relationships are important for a woman to be sexy.  Oh, and a deep understanding of super-string theory.

SUSAN:  Super-string theory?  Did I tell you I have a background in physics?  What is the sexiest thing a woman can do--if you don't know her well or maybe not at all?

BoyToy:  It’s typically not a single thing, but several things, and the timing of them.  The right type of eye-contact and concurrent smile, a soft subtle touch, knowing when to turn aggressive, and the deadly whisper in the ear (that might be the single sexiest thing)

 

SUSAN:  What's the sexiest thing she can do after you've been to bed together many times?

BoyToy:  Surprise me.  Be creative, and try something new.  Public displays of affection are often erotic. 

 

SUSAN:  How do you get women to give you what you want in bed?

BoyToy:  I guess the standard line is to give them what they want first.  And it is true to some extent.  But there are two more important things.  First, communicate some of what you want, but also leave some of it to be figured out, letting her use her intelligence.   And most importantly, choose the right woman.  It’s great if what I want in bed is what she wants in bed, and if a man asks the right questions and looks for the right things, sexual compatibility is very likely.  Not every woman is cut out to please a particular man; and experience counts a lot.

 

SUSAN:  What is your best sex tip for other guys?

BoyToy:  Does Starbucks post its brewing tips on the web?  I guess, just be yourself, and don’t be afraid to take chances.

 
SUSAN:   How would you describe your sex life now?

BoyToy:    At this moment I am not looking for a serious relationship, because I recently got out of a long-term relationship, and because I travel a lot for work.  My sex life was good before I had that relationship, and it was better during the relationship, but it’s great now.  I was fortunate to have a few great women teachers early on, and while it took me a while to understand what they taught me, I am enjoying sex more now than ever before.  I know more about what to look for in a woman, and am more comfortable in being open and direct.

 
SUSAN:  What would you do for a woman who gives the perfect blow job--and comes just sucking your cock?

BoyToy:  Well that is a huge turn on for me, so it would create a huge desire to please her.  So I would do whatever she wants and that of course totally depends on her.  But the woman who is into sucking my dick that much probably will not be satisfied just from me selflessly pleasing her.  It probably means there will be lots of pleasing her in different ways (including good old fashion deep fucking), interwoven with many more opportunities for her to give even better-than-perfect blow jobs.

SUSAN: Babes, he says he travels a lot.  You might try hanging out at airports.

[Note:  Though #1 was very popular with the Babes, we never had another Boy Toy of the Month.  Why not?  Either they wanted to be paid or they chickened out at the last minute.]

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

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NO ORDINARY WIFE: My Interview With The Amazing Jackie Christie

About a year ago I was lunching with a group of women in media.  The subject turned to basketball wives -- and then, of course, to Jackie Christie, one of the more famous basketball wives.  One woman said, "She won't let Doug go anywhere without her."

I put up my hand to forestall further comment.

"I know the Christies.  Doug doesn't want to go anywhere without her.  He is madly in love with his wife."

 

Jackie and Doug Christie have one of the most compelling love stories I've ever read.  In their book No Ordinary Love:  A True Story of Marriage and Basketball, they describe that love, their shared intense commitment to marriage--and the problems that caused them when he was playing pro basketball.  It's hard to have a strong marriage in the NBA where beautiful and available women are perks of the game--but they did it.   They renew their wedding vows every year on July 8.  How romantic is that?  Now Jackie, a model/actress/designer as well as wife and mother, has written a second book, a woman's empowerment guide, Woman:  A Practical Guide to Loving the Skin You're In.  A third, Proud To Be A Colored Girl, is out soon.

 

 

 I am a big fan of Jackie Christie.  She is a strong woman who stands up for her beliefs; and she is a warm, compassionate, sexy lady.  Jackie hails from Seattle, not the South, but she is a true Steel Magnolia, tough and courageous, but gentle, loving and unabashedly feminine.  I want her to write a sex guide for wives because I know she is the woman who could make marriage seem like a hot option.

 

 

 Here is my interview with Jackie.  I hope it inspires you to read her books.  No matter your religious faith or marital status, you will find Jackie a supportive sister, encouraging your own personal empowerment.


SEVEN QUESTIONS WITH JACKIE CHRISTIE

 

SUSAN:  Jackie, you are a beautiful woman, inside and out.  One of the things I love about you is the way you express your beautiful self in your books and photos.  You radiate confidence, but none of that haughtiness we often see in models.  You are approachable.  A woman can look at your photos and say, "She's gorgeous, but I like her; we could be friends."  How do you pull that off--being beautiful without intimidating other women?

 

 

 JACKIE:  Wow!  Thanks, Susan!  All women are beautiful. We have been socialized to believe that only models with a certain look are "beautiful."  A woman with inner serenity and happiness will always outshine one who only has outer beauty.  We all want to know we are gorgeous, strong and sexy.  Self-doubt holds women back from believing in themselves.  I encourage women to do what makes them feel good whether that is coloring hair, losing an extra five pounds -- whatever gives her that added confidence.

  

 SUSAN:  I've heard it before, but my readers may not have; and I love the story of you and Doug.  It is, in fact, one of the great love stories of our time.  Tell me about how you met Doug, when you knew he was the one, and how you had the patience to wait for him to realize that too.

 

JACKIE:  I met my husband Doug at a sports-themed restaurant in Seattle.  A mutual friend insisted that we should meet; and so one day it happened.  I was hesitant because I had heard the horror stories about male athletes who have many girls in every city.  The night I met him, four girls were standing by him, vying for his attention.  That did not help!  We talked for a few minutes and I went to dance.  We did not see each other again for a while.  One day I was at a comedy event with my girlfriends and he was there as well with his friends.  Again we said hello and exchanged pleasantries.  We did not exchange phone numbers until our third meeting.  And the rest is history!  I knew he was the one when I met him; and he was a complete gentleman, nothing like the stories I heard about pro athletes at all!  To hear more about our courtship, you have to get our book No Ordinary Love:  A True Story of Marriage and Basketball! :)

 

SUSAN:  Readers, it is a wonderful book and will restore your lost faith in love.  In my opinion, the people who have attacked you, Jackie, like, for example, Bryant Gumble, just don't understand how two people can love one another as much as you and Doug do.  I personally have never experienced that kind of love, but I can understand it; I see it in the two of you.  To me, that love is like a glowing fire that warms everyone who comes near it.  People who are jealous or resentful are sad human beings.  But how do you maintain your serenity when people say mean and ugly things?  My first response on reading Woman was, "This is just like a visit with Jackie; her warmth, common sense and serenity permeate every page."  How did you develop the serenity?

 

JACKIE:  Thank you Susan.  You know the old saying: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me!"  I have God in my life and I love and accept me for who I truly am.  None of the mean-spirited stories are true about me or my values.  Knowing that, I am able to look past the ignorance and hatred and live my life with my loving and beautiful husband and family and friends as well as the many people that have chosen to know the real Jackie Christie.  I believe in forgiveness even if the person is so undeserving of it.  Who am I to judge?  I just say the serenity prayer to myself: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom and knowledge to know the difference."

 

SUSAN:  What is the best advice you can give a woman for finding her own inner peace and happiness?

 

JACKIE: I would say to love yourself unconditionally, tell yourself every single day how beautiful you are and how much you appreciate and love you!  That will be the foundation of true self acceptance which in turn will enable them to find peace in themselves and happiness will surely follow!

 

SUSAN:  You have a lot of great advice about discovering and developing personal style in Woman.  What is the first thing you would tell a woman to do if she can't find her style fit?

 

JACKIE:  I would tell them to be themselves, because every woman has style automatically! Just because we are taught that style is wearing the latest fad does not mean women are not fashionable wearing their own unique style of clothing. So I always tell woman to just be themselves and wear what is comfortable to them and lastly be confident in yourself and your own personal style. You will be a winner!

 

SUSAN:  Tell me about the new book -- and the clothing line.  And where can readers buy the clothes?

 

JACKIE:  Thanks for asking Susan! My new book is titled Proud to be a Colored Girl and I feel so very passionate about it. I wanted to share with women across the world how much we are all really alike in so many ways. Women all have color to their skin, no matter what the shade. We are all very beautiful colored girls and should be proud to be. In is an inspirational book written to uplift, inspire, and empower all women the world over!

  

My clothing line to the book is called Colored Girl Clothing. It is 100% organic cotton so the clothing is eco friendly as well as beautiful. I'm launching a T-shirt and accessory line now, but I will add organic denim jeans and jackets soon! They will debut on May 9th and May 12th 2009 respectively, the clothing May 9th and the book May 12th.

  

There is also a beautiful song to the book and line as well, also called Colored Girl from the famed artist Bobby Tinsley. It makes me cry with joy every time I hear it!

  

SUSAN:  And what is your best sex tip for wives?  (My readers will kill me if I don't get a sex tip from one of the great sexy wives of all time. :))

  

JACKIE:  LOL, this is a great question! OK, my 4 best sex tips for women are:

  

 

1. Open your mind and your body will follow!
2. Passion is a sure partner pleaser. Make sure you let your partner know you are enjoying the intimacy.
3. If you are comfortable with your body, it will show.
4. Talk to your partner close to his ear. It will surely please him!

SUSAN: Thank you, Jackie!  Let's do another Q/A again soon.  You are one of my favorite women -- and definitely a hero to me and many, many others.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

Sex and the Single Black Man: Ali "A" Abdullah Answers Seven Questions

Ali Abdullah is a remarkable young man. Not yet 25, he has been actively involved in charitable works for years. His blog Map'nOut is a fun and informative read in a "young man about Harlem" style. He reports on fashion, sports, Hip Hop events and other activities--and pokes some fun at politicians. But his soul is in his good works. Ali writes about charity events he attends, bringing more attention to the causes. His own organization, Fifth Avenue Sports League, sponsors basketball competition for both genders and brings in professional athletes and business and community leaders to mentor young people.

Ali has soul in every sense of the word. When I asked him to comment on Sex and the Single Black Men, I knew he would respond openly, honestly, with heart--and a good dose of humor.

Here is Ali:

Q.  There are so many myths/beliefs about black male sexuality.  (Myths/beliefs like:  black men have bigger penises; black men won't go down on a woman; black men can't be monogamous; black men are rough in bed; black men don't like foreplay or public displays of affection.)  What do you think is the biggest misconception?

A. I have to go with “black men won't go down on a woman” Why? This is something that I always highlighted since my early days of studying sex. Now, it’s a different story!

Q.  Once I wrote an essay in which I said that black men after 40 are sexier than white men--because while men seem to lose their sexual edge.  Wow!  Did I get slammed for that.  What do you think about the differences in male sexuality determined by age and/or race?

A. Honestly, age should never be a factor for physical attraction or when it comes to getting some action! (Unless your partner is underage) However, there should be more than just a physical attraction when it comes to sex at the age of 40. Now, if you put this in my shoes, the only thing I will look down on is if she’s grey haired!

Q.  Black women tell me that black men don't want to commit, that they don't want to take their lovers out, but want a woman to be home waiting for them to show up for a good meal and sex.  Truth in that?  Or not?

A. Truth be told, I am 23yrs old and I have never been in a relationship, but I’ve treated sisters out plenty of times (will acknowledge) and I understand what is required to make a relationship work…now the catch is finding the ideal partner. Additionally, I am a simple guy, and all I expect my woman to do is be loyal, honest, cool and down for the Abdullah experience! I will hire a chef to handle meal duties, or as a couple we will cook together, because as we all know, Ali has the recipe.

Q.  What do you find the sexiest qualities in a woman?

A. 1 hard worker 2 sporty appearance 3 confidence 4 discipline 5 down to earth (can go on a roller coaster)

Q.  What have you experienced or observed about interracial sexual liaisons?

A. Well, the best way for me to answer this question is, I’ve picked different fruit from the tree….and they all have been ‘fresh’! The wider the variety the better….thanks to the creation of fruit salads!

Q.  How would you describe the sexual scene in Harlem?

A. TERRIBLE! This question requires serious attention…But, from what I see, sisters are confused on what kind of guy they are looking for. In addition, everything now-a-days is about making a fashion statement. 70% of Harlem couples are pretending to be someone that they aren’t, plus there is a large percentage of individuals who are not independent…It seems that most Harlem citizens are impressed by someone wearing Gucci shoes…but don’t look at the fact that these are the same people living with their parents/families…Come on, let’s get real! But as I mentioned earlier, this question is very complicated to breakdown.

Q.  What was the best sex you ever had?

A. Ummmm, the first time my bed arrived into my place. This particular night, the stage was set for me to perform….since then, I have been nominated for every award, from the TONY to the ACADEMY! The freshness of the mattress enhanced my performance.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime