Auntie Sue's legs, Photo by Trent
We’ve had the most amazing stretch of mild weather here. (Forecasters are warning the end is near.) I don’t know how crowds (mobs?) of people motivated themselves to get up and out to the malls early on Black Friday. It is decidedly not feeling a lot like Christmas yet. Some intrepid shoppers will do anything for flat screen TVs on sale and even, as I read, cheap waffle irons, that ubiquitous shower or wedding gift in the 70s.
Wouldn’t a copy of one of my books deliver more bangs (or shags) for the bucks?
To the questions—
Q. “I recently discovered Sir Richard Burton’s translation of the erotic classic The Perfumed Garden. I note that you have referred to it on SexyPrime. Have you adapted any Eastern positions and techniques for modern lovers?” Grant, London.
A. Yes, I have. Modern lovers want the benefits of Eastern erotic wisdom: His prolonged arousal/erection, her more timely, and intense, orgasms. But they want the steps simplified and some of the extreme gymnastics taken out. My adaptations of Eastern techniques and positions are sprinkled throughout my Quiver books. The Orgasm Loop also owes a debt to the East. My own version of Tantra, fusion Tantra, is the subject of The New Tantra: Simple and Sexy, available as ebook.
And Daily Sex Bible contains many adaptations from ancient Indian, Chinese, Japanese and Arab lovemaking arts. One of my favorites is Arab Sex #5: The Seducer Position.
Briefly: She lies on her back, legs open; he sits on his folded legs between her legs. Holding her thighs, he controls the thrusting, varying the strokes by moving her body back and forth on his penis. (See the full directions in the book.)
Q. “Ms. Bakos, your story about The Sexy Beast, a.k.a., the internet pretender, aroused my wife’s suspicions. She found my own Facebook Fake Name accounts. Unfortunately, I referred to her in letters to some women as “my wife, the smokin’ tank,’ because she is built like a little tank and chain smokes, even in our bedroom. Things have not been good at home. In spite of all I said about her—all true—and the fact that she is a fairly unskilled lover, I still desire her. We haven’t had great sex in a long time, but we did get to passing good every now and then. Can the sex be saved?” T.J., South Carolina.
A. SAVED?!
Isn’t “resurrected” a better choice of words?
First, she needs to quit smoking. If she won’t, banish her smoking to outside. She is exposing you to the risks of second-hand smoke; and that is not acceptable. I can tell she runs all over you; and you only rebel under an assumed name with strangers. Stand up for yourself. Maybe she will find this unexpected display of masculine strength desirable.
Second, you need a marital therapist and a sex coach. She must be very hurt at what you said to strangers behind her back. You must be a very angry passive-aggressive man to vent to strangers rather than manning up and telling her directly. Talk out your issues with a therapist while a sex coach teaches you how to satisfy one another.
Third, what do you look like? If she’s a tank, are you a basketball belly? Consider a couples exercise program as foreplay. And what about your sex skills? Generally good lovers don’t marry unskilled lovers.
Interestingly, many men still want sex after the passion has gone South—while women more often turn off to boring or dissatisfying sex. Reminds me of that old Jewish joke: The food was terrible; and there was not enough of it.
Q. “My lover and I get so hot telling each other our fantasies that we moved to acting them out together. I know you have warned readers that a fantasy does not usually represent a wish. We have scaled back fantasy extremes to reality. Yet still I find my fantasies of submission are not that exciting when acted out. The most recent one—a spanking fantasy—really disappointed. My bottom just hurt as he spanked me. It wasn’t hot; it was too hard. When I said, NO, he thought it was part of the game and kept whacking me. When he finally stopped, I locked myself in the bathroom. Are we just not the fantasy couple type?” Allegra, St. Thomas.
A. Couples who are into DS play (dominance/submission) use “safe words” that mean Stop. As you painfully discovered, “no” or “stop” can be confused as just part of the game—the submissive version of playing hard to get. Before you act out another DS fantasy, agree on a safe word, like red or peanut butter or lawsuit, that indicates the dom is taking the sub further than he or she wants to go; pull back now.
May I suggest that you try the spanking fantasy again with gentle slaps punctuated by caresses and kisses to the buttocks? Like many women who fantasize submission, you want a bit of the spank and a lot of the fantasy.
I applaud your courage in talking and acting out your fantasies; and I’m betting you will find a way to incorporate elements of your sex dreams into your play.
From Daily Sex Bible, three golden rules of fantasy—
1. A fantasy is not a wish or desire…
2. Once you share a fantasy, you may rob it of its power to arouse…
3. We are all aroused by things we really don’t want to do…
Photo Credit: Best Sex Ever
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