Auntie Sue's legs, Photo by Trent
I've been deluged with mail in response to last week's letter from the man who asked, "How do I tell my wife she is too fat for sex?"
Fat women are just damned mad--at him and me for not "putting him in his place." His place? Where is that? Buried under rolls of her flesh? Sorry, I couldn't resist being just a little mean as you ladies were so very rude, even nasty.
I believe I have said: Some men like bigger women; some men don't mind if their partners gain weight; some men do. I also said: We cannot mandate sexual attraction, even in marriage.
To the questions--
Q. "I am four dress sizes bigger than I was when I married fifteen years ago. My husband has never made a secret of his admiration for trim women. But we still have sex--and sometimes good sex. I would like to have sex more often. What can I do to turn him on in spite of my weight?" Eva, a Heartland Mama.
A. According to new science studies, many women of all sizes feel more confident and sexually free when they Do It Dressed--wear a favored article of clothing during sex. My Sex Wardrobe Basic series is based on that concept. See the category on the right. Start with The Boyfriend Shirt Quickie. Big shirts, open in front, are flattering on all women. Bonus: You'll surprise him with some new moves.
Don't stop there! Try all the basics, especially the one that started it all: The Basic Black Dress of Blow Jobs. The more skilled you become, the more irresistible he will find you.
Q. " My husband and I haven't had sex in over a year. We've been together twenty years, but I am not one of those fat wives. I am a professional woman, in good shape. Other men come on to me. My man began losing his interest in sex, at least with me, a few years ago. I tried everything. I insisted he see a doctor who said he was healthy and prescribed Viagra. He refused to take it. Is our sex life over?" JJ, American ex-pat married to an Irishman and living in Dublin.
A. Why don't you ask him that question? If he says it's not, then tell him you would like to re-ignite the flame now. And if he says it is, Why? You must start a conversation about sex. What did he like or not like about your lovemaking? What did he want that he didn't get? Why did he turn off?
There could be many reasons for his sexual withdrawal--depression, buried anger or resentment towards you, fear of aging, repressed sexual desires and more. He needs to figure it out. If your sex life is over--you need to decide what to do for you. I hope you don't throw yourself on his funeral pyre.
Q. "I want something that I am ashamed to ask my lover to give me. Before her, I was with a woman who played with my ass, usually by inserting a lubed pinkie finger. Sometimes she inserted two fingers and pressed against my prostate from the inside--my G spot--and made me come. I want that again. how do I ask for it?" John, Philadelphia.
A. Don't tell her that ass play was your former lover's specialty.
Ask her if you can share a fantasy. Describe the kind of ass play you want, telling her in the form of an erotic story. Suggest that she might like to feel your finger exploring her anal opening. If you make it sound like sexy fun, she will likely be willing to play.
Should she be squeamish about inserting her fingers into your anus, check out the anal vibrators and other anal toys at Babeland. Don't forget to order the lube too.
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While I can't guarantee that John's wife will be open to ass play on him, to overcome the potential that she finds the idea of putting her finger in his ass somehow gross and disgusting, I would offer one suggestion:
A pack of nitrile gloves in her size next to the bed!
Michael aka "AssMaster"
Posted by: Michael AssMaster | October 03, 2011 at 03:27 PM
I wanted to address JJ, whose husband has given up on marital sex.
When she said she had "Tried everything", it left me wondering really what has she tried?
I totally agree with Susan's recommendation that she needs to have a direct and frank conversation with her husband. (And here I note that too often women are very subtle and indirect when they think they are being clear.)
But I'm wondering what she has tried. Has she tried showing up in hot lingerie, doing the trench coat sans undergarments attack, initiated sex, suggested things to try, put a porn on the DVD player? There are so many things that can be tried, and I wonder how deeply she has tried.
Just trying to put some more ideas out there.
Posted by: Michael AssMaster | October 03, 2011 at 03:38 PM
They haven't had sex in a year. The situation is well beyond the point where it could be saved by some sexy lingerie. And I doubt it was salvagable by sex tricks a year ago. Forgive me for saying this to you, M, but sometimes it is not the failure of the woman to pull out the tricks. Sometimes the man has a big problem.
Posted by: Susan Crain bakos | October 03, 2011 at 04:27 PM
Susan,
I absolutely agree that it is often the male who has the problem. My comment was more because "tried everything" just kind of left me with a sense of uncertainty as to what had been tried, and if possible, with more information, there might have been more suggestions that could be made.
Posted by: Michael AssMaster | October 03, 2011 at 05:24 PM
Having read the long version of her letter, I can say: it is time HE tried.
Posted by: Susan Crain bakos | October 03, 2011 at 05:29 PM
I like your advise to Eva, she needs to be the "aggressor" and initiate sex if she needs to. All I can say for JJ, is that HE needs to seek counseling. If she is as attractive as she says, then HE is the problem, and it could be any one of the causes you suggested. BTW, My wife has been struggling with weight issues since we met, but we still have great sex. Because, I make her feel sexy, she makes me feel sexy in return.
Posted by: Todd Maves | October 03, 2011 at 06:55 PM
Todd, thank you so much for writing!
Posted by: Susan Crain Bakos | October 04, 2011 at 06:32 AM