SexyPrime, a blog by Susan Crain Bakos

BLACK VIAGRA, DISCRETE LUBRICATION and MORE ON SEXUAL IMPRINTING--Your Sex Science Questions Answered

 

 

I love that you have so many sex science questions, I can’t get to them all in Monday’s Ask Auntie Sue where they have to fight for space with big issues like, "Should I go to bed with an obnoxious man?"  (I advised:  NO.)

So here is the update on the Big Sex Science questions consuming readers, like why you can get Black Viagra in Mexico but not the U.S., how Cialis is overtaking Viagra,  and the truth about the new Staxyn (just Levitra in a cool black package)—and more.

 

The Big Three ED Drugmakers Tweak Their Products

A California reader asked why he can buy “black Viagra” across the border in Mexico but not in his home city of San Diego.  Viagra Jet (its proper name) is simply a chewable version of Viagra, the little blue pill.  You will probably see it in the U.S. next year if Pfizer is unsuccessful in keeping generic Viagra off the market for another year.  But should they succeed, you likely won’t see Jet here—instead look for it in other “developing world” markets on your next jaunts to India or Thailand. 

In anticipation of the cheaper generic versions arriving at pharmacies soon, the makers of the Big Three ED Pills are tweaking their product to convince you that it’s new and different and better than the old model to justify the expense of choosing it over generic.  Levitra’s “new” product called Staxan, packaged in elegant black, fizzes and dissolves on the tongue without water—for the man who doesn’t want his partner to know.  But Cialis is stealing the market share with their “new” pills, different dosages of the classic C, packaged as Everyday Pills and “The Weekender,” which keeps the man in that willing and able to perform state (not painfully erect) for 36 hours.

While the tweaks to the pills are nice little improvements in delivery and/or packaging, they do not represent dramatic product changes, but rather marketing strategies.  Interesting how discretion seems to be the new market buzzword.  Tell me that is a sign that people will stop Tweeting the contents of their stomachs three times a day.

 

Yes, Lubrication Can Finally Be Discrete Too

Some women feel that vaginal dryness is the female equivalent of male Erectile Disorder (ED)—the indicator that sex parts are showing their age.  Others fear that dryness gives away another secret:  They are slow to arouse.  These women don’t want a new partner to know they moisturize in the pleasure zone. 

“I don’t want to haul around a big tube of KY just in case I get lucky,” a fortysomething woman wrote, “but I need a little help with the moistness down there, at least until we really get started fucking.”

Yes, the economy-sized bottle of your favorite lube may not travel well.  You can buy a variety bag of sample lube packets at Babeland.  Or you can pour a
“discrete” amount of my favorite Trust oil into one of those little bottles you transfer hair and cosmetic items into when you fly.  (Your check-out code for receiving a discount is “sexyprime.”) 

 Trust is truly discrete because it doesn’t leave behind a sticky residue.  It melts into your skin—your skin anywhere—making it softer, plumper, more moist.   I swear it stimulates natural lubrication in my vagina.  Let me know if you have that experience too.  By the way, no matter how young you are, Trust should be part of your sex kit.  Manual stimulation always feel better with slightly lubed fingers.  (Unlike genitals, fingers don't produce lubrication.) 

Another product that should be part of your daily moisturing regime from perimenopause (as young as late thirties) onward:  Replens (or the generic version) which is designed to stimulate moisture replenishment with regular use.

 

The Cautionary Note:  Restoring the Parts to High Function Doesn’t Mean You Will Get a Partner Who Isn’t So Crazy, He’s Probably Psychotic 

Now that we’ve created, with the help of science, a hard penis and a moist vagina—will sexual imprinting bring them together or push them apart?

Sexual imprinting fascinates me as well as my readers.  Our sexual tastes are at least partially imprinted on very youthful brains; and once they are, it's damn near impossible to attract someone who isn't programmed to respond to you.  After that post ran, I had dozens of questions from men and women wanting to know:  How can I get the details of my partner’s early sexual imprinting?

People, just ask.  Don’t your lovers enjoy talking about themselves and sharing sex secrets?  Ask what they remember about early arousal triggers.  Many of you were fascinated—as again I was—by the post-50 year old man whose sexual initiation was at the hands of a kinky sixty year-old women when he was only fourteen.  Frederick E. is into foot worship and being spanked—and claims to have been with only one woman younger than him in his life.  My brief involvement with him on a work project taught me that he also behaves like a bratty (and omigod whiny) teen boy determined to get his needs met every which way he can, whether the woman is willing or not.  Ironically, he claims he is very skilled as a Cassanova (or Pick-up Artist) and that he has five women on the line now, more “waiting in the wings” and meets a new volunteer every week.  Really, Freddie, really?  Hard to believe—and, if true, a sad commentary on the desperate loneliness of American women.

He describes his devotion to the older woman, Elva’s, feet and his excitement at being spanked by her.  In fact, he never speaks so lovingly of any woman as he does of his own ass being “properly” spanked. 

 

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime.

 

ASK AUNTIE SUE--Reader Questions on Orgasms, Lube--and "Should I go to bed with an obnoxious man?"

 
 Auntie Sue's Legs, photo by Trent

 

It was so cold in Manhattan this past Friday that I gave up pretending spring and threw on a fur coat to go out.  Today it seems that spring is poking through and I don’t have to fantasize warmth while admiring the tulips and flowering bushes in Gramercy Park.  Mind power doesn’t stand up to temps in the forties and raw winds.

Pretending, fantasizing, lying—and not in a good way—that’s what’s up with my readers this week.   Is that mind power working for or against them?

 

Q. “I rarely have orgasms.  That was an issue in my marriage; and it is an issue now with my new man.  To their credit, the men in my life have wanted to satisfy me.  I am tired of either faking orgasm or pretending it doesn’t matter if I do or if I don’t.  It matters.  How can I have orgasms regularly?  I am a new reader and I apologize if you have answered this question before,” Jemima, 37, London.

A.  Pretending orgasms don’t matter is even worse than facing a New York spring without a fur coat.  75% of women experience difficulty reaching orgasm sometimes or often, with 10% never having experienced an orgasm at all.  Female science of orgasm differs from male—in that his is almost inevitable (unless he trains himself not to come very time) while hers is problematic.  But she has greater potential for prolonged orgasm, multiple orgasm, whole body orgasm and more.  The short explanation:

• The clitoris is the only organ on either gender entirely devoted to pleasure; and it is far more extensive than the visible  little pink shaft and crown.  An extensive network of nerve endings can reach far into the vagina and create a gaggle behind the G spot.
• The vagus nerve runs through the body, including genitals, and goes directly into the brain—explaining why some women with spinal cord injuries still experience orgasm in the brain.
• There is virtually no refractory period for women—and the potential for multiples is tremendous.

What gets in her way?  Sex negative attitudes including shame; lack of good sex education; poor technique, his and hers; embarrassment about touching herself or using a vibe.

How to tap into all that potential?

The Orgasm Loop—a revolutionary sex technique that I created.

Like riding a bike, it takes a bit of practice to master—but then you have it for life, an orgasm whenever you want one or more.

The Components  of The Orgasm Loop

• Mental arousal (based on cognitive loop)
• Tantric Fire-breathing
• PC Muscle Flexing
• Energy Focus—using martial arts techniques to move all the energy in your body into your genitals.

 You can learn all about the Loop in these books:  The Sex Bible, The Orgasm Bible, The Sex Bible for Women, The Little Book of Big Orgasm—and The Orgasm Loop, a small book devoted entirely to this subject.

 

Q. “My lover does not like to use lubricants, not even for anal sex.  He says spit is good enough.  Or he puts his fingers into my vagina and uses my natural juices.  I am juicy—but anal sex still hurts.  What can I do?”  Nancy from Michigan. 

A.  You can inject anal syringes of lube into your anus before sex.  He won’t have to touch the lube—though I would think it a small price to pay for his back door pleasures.  Have you tried my new favorite, TRUST?  A blend of natural oils, Trust is absorbed into skin tissues and leaves no sticky residue.  (Your code for a discount at check-out is "sexyprime.")

Try wearing a butt plug for a half an hour or more before having anal intercourse.  You can turn the butt , plug insertion into foreplay or do it alone.  Check out the Babeland site for a variety of styles and sizes.  A butt plug gently stretches the rectal opening in anticipation, making penetration less painful.  But you still need that lube!  By the way, did you see my recent science post on "The Lube Studies," studies linking some lubes with the spread of STIs?

 

Q. “Reading Kimmie’s so spicy erotic serial, “Dirty Little Secret”, leads me to consider the advisability of succumbing to the advances of the not-so-attractive man in my life.  He can be obnoxious, especially when he’s drinking, which is often.  Mr. Man thinks very highly of himself and says he attracts a lot of women though he is on the short

side, plump and not at all conventionally handsome.  He is rude and ill-mannered and I believe him to be possessed of a small member.  Do you think he will be good in bed?  I am sending a photo of us together at a party,” Maya, Los Angeles by way of Mumbai.

No!  I do not think he will be good in bed.  In “Dirty Little Secrets,” Kimmie is writing erotica, not a relationship guide.  It sounds like your obnoxious man has little if any redeeming qualities.  Maya—and I love your name—you are beautiful.  Isn’t he sneering in that photo?  He should be gazing at you in rapt adoration.  Don’t ever settle for obnoxious when you could have a good man who looks good too.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

THE ORAL- G SPOT TRIPLE PLAY--That May Leave Her Speechless

 
Image Credit:  "Orgasm" by Mathiole on Photobucket

 

The Oral-G Spot Double Play is a popular technique with SexyPrime readers.  Leave it to M to top it and turn that move into a triple play. (Read his anal intercourse primer.)

He writes:

“Some of my lovers really enjoy combining cunnilingus with finger or vibe stroking the G Spot.” [The Double Play}  “Recently I tried something new with a regular partner.  I’ve seen it done in lesbian bondage videos, in the forced orgasm or squirting scenes.  My lover was incredibly responsive—having an intense series of orgasms that lasted probably less than three minutes before she finally had to stop me.  She curled into a fetal position and continued trembling for five minutes, which she described (when she could speak) as continuing waves of orgasm.

“I don't know if it was a particular sensitivity on her part—or if I have stumbled on a Very Simple Technique that should be used a lot more.” 

I will try this soon with a Very Special Lover.  Meanwhile, you try it too and report back to me.  Think of the possibilities—women worldwide curled up in orgasmic spasms, unable to speak coherently.  It may be the magic technique men have wanted since humans discovered speech and particularly once the phrase, “We need to talk,” entered the lexicon.

 

The Oral-G Spot Triple Play

“This could hardly be easier—Cunnilingus with hand moves, just palm up, two fingers inserted stroking the ‘come here’ signal, with the VERY POWERFUL Mystic Wand vibrator in my hand.”

 

• Perform cunnilingus until she is highly aroused.
• Now as you lick and suck, add two fingers inside her vagina.  Your palm is up….Stroke her G spot (that rough patch of tissue on ) in the “come here” move.
• Hold the massager in the palm of that hand and press it against the exterior of her clitoral/labia area.  It will also transmit vibrations to your fingers stroking her G Spot.
• Keep the three-way stimulation going until she reaches orgasm—and possibly multiple orgasms—and maybe begs you to stop.

Finally, M suggests these variations to the Oral-G Spot Triple Play—

1)  Vibrating butt plug

2)  Low Motion anal penetration (i.e. She has me in her ass, but there is not much motion going on, other than flexing of PC and sphincter muscles...)

3)  Nipple clamps

4)  Vibrating Nipple Clamps

5)  Blindfold

6)  Combinations of the above!

MY ADDED TIPS--

Mystic Wand is as powerful as the Hitachi Magic Wand, but operates on batteries and has a flexible neck.  (I love that flexible neck.)  I also love TRUST oil, a blend of natural oils for massage and intimacy that absorbs into any skin tissues.  You will need a lubricant for all that finger play--but you don't want a post-coital sticky mess.  (Your code for a discount at check-out is "sexyprime",)

 copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

IT'S TAX TIME--and Babeland Is Giving You a "Rebate"

 
TOYFRIEND DOUBLE, The New Rabbit In Town

 

Isn't that the wildest rabbit you ever saw?  If you try it, please write and tell me about your experience with the whacky rabbit.  And what better time to buy?

Babeland is having a Tax Relief sale this weekend. 

15% off everything!

Indulge.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

THE HOTTEST "COUGAR COUPLE", DEMI AND ASHTON SAY: "Real Men Don't Have Sex With Girls"

 
Photo Credit:  "Lady In Red Flower" by katzkitten on Photobucket

 

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are taking on the sexual trafficking of children—99% are girls—in a hip ad campaign, featuring celebrities, including Sean Penn and Bradley Cooper.

Child sex trafficking is a crime that couldn’t exist without the buyers, the “Johns” who put their money down and don’t look closely at the girl and ask:  Is she old enough to be doing this?  Is she selling her body because she wants to do so—or will she be beaten or tortured by her pimp if she doesn’t?

The most famous offender of late may be L.T., former Giants football great Lawrence Taylor, convicted of having sex with a sixteen year-old girl and sentenced only to probation after he pleaded guilty of “sexual misconduct.”   (He, of course, used the almost always effective “I didn’t know she was underage” defense.)  The average John is an Everyman with no criminal record, thirty years old and married.  Odds are that many have already fathered little girls.  Maybe they have wives or girlfriends who would re-evaluate the relationship if they knew what their men are doing.  For the John and the pimp, however, sex trafficking is low risk.  They are  less likely than the famous Taylor to even end up on probation, let alone in jail.  According to Moore, one young woman recently told her that she was arrested (while underage) fifty times.  Her pimp was not arrested once.  Nor were the Johns detained.  Nor did the cops or the courts think to involve social services in protection of a minor.  In addition to being a huge injustice, criminalizing the girls stigmatizes them, serving to keep them in prostitution after they are eighteen. 

When the crime is sexual in nature, society blames the victim, no matter her age.  Child sex trafficking couldn’t thrive without the people who apply the labels “slut” and “whore” to children.  Maybe you read about the controversy surrounding The New York Times initial reporting on the gang rape of an eleven year-old Texas girl over a period of months.  The reporter quoted members of the community who blamed the child for “looking older” and “dressing provocatively and wearing make-up”, staying out late in the company of older boys and young men.  Where were her parents?  Why didn’t the adults who saw her engaging in risky behavior go to her parents and/or to authorities?  Obviously, many adults knew she was in trouble, but none stepped forward to help her.  The Times seemed to come down initially on the side of condemnation.  In subsequent reports, they mitigated their tone and finally told us the males were all African-American, some with criminal records, and the girl was Hispanic, in an area where many Hispanics are illegal aliens, badly treated.

In no way can an eleven year-old ever consent to sex.  Where was the outrage? 

At a conservative estimate, 100,000 children, mostly girls, are child sex slaves in this country today.  Like their global counterparts, their average age on entering slavery is thirteen.  They are disproportionately Eastern Asian, Hispanic and African American—but there are some white girls in the mix.  The spectre of the blonde, blue-eyed child, kidnapped and sexually abused, tears at the heart of the American fabric.  It is our greatest fear.  Where is the outrage for America’s darker-skinned girls?

In an interview with Piers Morgan on CNN, Moore and Kutcher, promoted their ad campaign and their foundation.  They are visibly outraged about child sex trafficking.  The King and Queen of Twitter, they use the social web—where 76% of child sex transactions are made—to encourage citizen policing. 

Who are these kids?

Nicole, 17, heard but not seen, told Piers Morgan, that she was fourteen when she became a sex slave.  Her father was often in prison, her mother on drugs—and she [“a little lost girl seeking a place of belonging," Moore said] went online searching for love.  The pimp lied about his age and everything else.  She met him at a mall.  He said he wanted to take her out of her bad environment and provide for her.  For three days, he bought her presents and lavishly complimented her.  When she was won over, he turned, beating her and demanding that she service him and other men.

“It’s the same story over and over again,” Moore and Kutcher told Morgan.

Another guest, Siddharh Kara, author of “Sex Trafficking” agreed.  He has gone into brothels, massage parlors, apartments, houses and clubs around the world where girls are sold—and tells their stories.  Kara said that sex trafficking profits will exceed $39 billion globally this year, with each girl representing $29,000 in profits for her pimp on a typical $2,000 investment. The girls are given a quota and are beaten or tortured if they don’t make it.

“We can all agree that the trafficker, the pimp, the slave-holder is not a good person, right?”  Kutcher asks.  “But he wouldn’t make money if other guys didn’t pay for sex with this girl.  Any one of the guys could have stopped it.”

Any one of the guys could have stopped that gang rape in Texas.

Every one of us can make a difference.  Pass this post along.  Raise the public awareness.  View the clips from Morgan's interview with Moore and Kutcher.  Check out the Moore-Kutcher website and The National Human Trafficking Resource Center’s Polaris Project.  Finally, don’t let your little girls call others girls “sluts”, “whores” or “hos.” 

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

 

THE UNCOUPLING--The Novel by Meg Wolitzer and The SexyPrime Saga of the Moment

 
Photo credit:  "Red Mask Lady" by Gustav on Photobucket

 

A group of women and teenage girls suddenly lose interest in sex in Meg Wolitzer’s new novel, The Uncoupling (Riverhead Books).  They are all teachers, counselors or students at a New Jersey high school; and their abrupt uncoupling (confusing husbands and boyfriends) coincides with the new drama teacher’s choosing of the school play, “Lysistrata” by Aristophanes, an ancient Greek drama set in Athens.  Yes, there is magical realism afoot.

The female characters in the play, led by Lysistrata, stage a sexual strike to end the Peloponnesian War; and the strike is a sacrifice to these lusty ladies longing for the touch of their men.  They yearn.  For the novel’s characters, however, sex is an instantly forgotten pleasure with rare moments of desire (“generic moments of longing”) like the odd twitches of a phantom limb barely felt beneath the new prosthesis.  How did that happen?

The drama teacher is a bit of a witch, responsible for the mysterious cold wind that blows up the women’s skirts and into their hearts, one at a time.  Wolitzer is such a wonderful writer that she makes this dramatic device work—as well as John Updike did in The Witches of Eastwick, another witty novel using the supernatural in exploring female sexuality.  I believed the women shut down sexually—and was not surprised that, in doing so, they opened up to so many other possibilities in their lives.  The teen queen turns to political activism, a shy girl discovers her acting ability.  They are like students in an all-girl high school, relieved of the need to attract boys.

All the characters are finely drawn, but the mid-life women interest me most.  They could be married to the male SexyPrime readers writing to ask me, “What the hell is wrong with my wife and why doesn’t she want to have sex with me anymore?”  (If you have read Abandoned Husband's story, you will see how he fits right in.)

Wolitzer describes the women’s process of turning away from the hurt and angry men, good men, feeling bereft and betrayed in their cold beds.  In real life, women either turn deeply into themselves—into “finding” themselves—or to a new man or another woman.  Not often do they turn back to the husbands, not cruel and abusive, simply regular men who no longer excite.  The author explores the dynamic of the sexually disinterested wife without offering solutions.  I get the impression that she would find the standard advice—date nights, romantic gestures, sexy games—a rather sad form of “settling”. 

What is the origin of the cold wind blowing up the skirts of so many women at midlife?  How did once-sexy young wives turn into middle-aged judgmental prudes in their forties (sometimes sooner)?

Surely you’ve heard their litany of complaints:  Husbands who masturbate to porn, selfish and inept lovers who can’t find their clitoris or G spot, the domestic taming of desire, sometimes his as well as hers—and the lethal effects of relationship issues creating anger and frustration, chipping away at lust. 

Rarely does anyone say:  The sex was never that good; I didn’t have as many orgasms as I faked and so I shut down.  But that is often the underlying truth, the big dirty secret midlife women hide like an enormous dust bunny under the marital bed.  Perhaps they tell their best friend or the next man, but not the husband who shared the bed but never looked beneath it.  The men who ask, “Why doesn’t my wife want to have sex anymore?” don’t want to hear the truth anyway.

A man I’ve been coaching said:  “The sex was always great; we just didn’t have it often enough.”

Did she think the sex was great too?

“Oh, yes.  She just didn’t get horny more than once a month.”

Yet when she left him, she said, “We could stay together like this if you only want sex three or four times a year because that is where we’re headed.”  I suppose she was anticipating only getting “horny” on a quarterly basis now.

I nudge him to ask the obvious question:  If the sex was “great”, why didn’t she want it more often?  He resists the suggestion.

“I don’t understand why she left,” he said.

I thought of this passage from The Uncoupling—

[When a character heard about a couple divorcing over sex]….”Still she would say, ‘There must be something else,’ for how terrible it was to give up a good and loving marriage because of sex.  Because of no sex.  Many people stayed married forever in low-sex or no-sex marriages.”

He doesn’t want that, of course, but he wants his wife to come back to him, morphed into the once-sexy young wife.  Magic realism.  It won’t happen.  Wherever the cold wind originated almost doesn’t matter, it has blown up her skirt and into her heart.

I won’t spoil the book for you by telling you if any of the characters get their old magic back.  But read it; you’ll love it.  Meg Wolitzer is one of my favorite novelists.  If you are just discovering her, you have a lot of good reading ahead of you in catching up with her backlist.

  

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

IT'S KIMMIE WEDNESDAY!--"Dirty Little Secret," Part Twelve

This serial is inspiring some readers to rethink their definitions of "ideal sex partner."  A regular reader confessed that her current lover "looks like Kimmie's Dirty Secret--and he is THE best I've ever had."  Could it be true?  Do less attractive men try harder?

Once again with pride and pleasure, here's SexyPrime's own Kimmie--

 

Dirty Little Secret, part twelve

She liked his hands on her ass. She leaned forward to kiss him. There was soft heat and an insistent push from his belly against her crotch. She curled her back slightly, pushing her wide-open hips further into him, pressing her pussy directly into his belly. This had possibilities. She wrapped her arms around his head, kissing madly, scratching lightly at his bald scalp with her fingertips. She dug in a little harder at the nape of his neck, moving lengthwise across the little rolls of fat that lived there. She wanted to turn him on, not grab his extra flesh.

He grunted and dug in harder. She sucked in a breath as his fingertips moved dangerously close to her naughty parts. He was grabbing her sit bones, as they called it in yoga, the bones that made up the deepest part of her pelvis, and he was grabbing them hard enough to make her very aware of parts she was rarely aware of during yoga class. She could feel the edges of her panties under the pads of his fingers, digging and pulling against the delicate skin there.

The sensation was exquisite. He wasn’t touching anything he wasn’t supposed to, and yet the omission drove her crazier than if he’d just gone right for her pussy. Still kissing him wildly, she arched her back, pushing now against his fingers. Her clit briefly protested, as the movement pulled her away from the gentle caresses of his belly rubbing warmly against her. However, being intimately connected to the parts that were being highlighted and slightly spread by his thick fingers digging and rubbing elsewhere, it quickly got on board.

He was making small, slow circles against her pelvic bones now, one on either side. She fell against him, her face in his shoulder, unable to concentrate on anything else but the path of his fingers. She could feel her skirt bunched up around the tops of her thighs and her ass, still covered by her panties and yet exposed all at the same time.

He slid his fingers under the elastic.

Skin on skin. Somehow, the same movements felt completely different now. Her breath was shallow against his shoulder. Every time his fingers circled in, she wondered if he was going to actually touch her. She felt like screaming. The anticipation was killing her. She realized that her own fingers were gripping and releasing his shoulder in the same rhythm as his circles. What he was doing felt so good but it also made her want more so badly that it hurt. Her clit was throbbing. Her pussy was so swollen, she felt like it might try to reach out and grab his fingers.

 
Every circle in pressed the skin of her outer lips together, pinching her clit thickly. Every circle out pulled the skin away and up, releasing. The top of each circle increased the pressure on her clit and the bottom of each circle put his fingers dangerously close to her asshole. Around and around he moved, each degree of the circle tantalizing and teasing in its own unique and distinctive way, driving her to a level of arousal she had never experienced.

 Her pussy was a volcano and she was about to explode.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

SEX CAN REGENERATE BRAIN CELLS-- Do you need another excuse for it?

 
Image credit:  "Orgasm" by Frederick Chilton on Photobucket

 

I love new “sex is good for you” scientific reports.  The News:  Physical exercise and regular sex can encourage brain cell regrowth—according to two studies published by an interdisciplinary team of Hong Kong researchers in the journal Cell Transplantation. 

Have you heard the slogan, “Change your mind and change your life?”  Everyone from weight loss and exercise gurus to my therapist touts this advice.  They really mean:  Change the way your brain works and you can change the behaviors that are making you unhappy.  We’ve long known about the emotional and physical benefits of exercise and sexual activity.  Now we’re beginning to learn through these studies and other work that the benefits of working up a sweat both ways extends to the brain.

Recently I reported on a book Buddha's Brain:  happiness, love & wisdom by Rich Hanson Ph.D. with Richard Mendius, MD (New Harbinger Publications), a guide to meditation with the goal of changing brain structure.  (Buddhist monks have proven this does work.)  Therapists on the cutting edge are advising meditation along with extended talk therapy to treat people with Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, until very recently deemed “untreatable,” perhaps because BPD isn’t easily “treated” or “cured” by drugs but requires more therapy sessions than insurers support. 

I got a few irate emails from people saying their lives were “ruined” by relatives, friends or co-workers with BPD and thus I don’t know what I am talking about.    (People, if you are as sane as you think you are and yet let anyone “ruin” your life—take some responsibility for the mishegass.)  Their responses just made it more clear to me what difficulty most people have in understanding really new information.

Neuroscience is where the most exciting scientific discoveries are happening.  I’ve said that neuroscience is the sexy science.  These new studies support my theory.

"The discovery of neural stem cells in the adult brain was a spectacular event that revolutionized the traditional view that the central nervous system did not generate new neurons in adulthood," said co-author Dr. Kwok-Fai So of the University of Hong Kong. "Our research is focused on questions about the function and physiological significance of neurogenesis and what factors promote or suppress neurogenesis.

"The studies reinforce the importance of a naturally occurring process that, until recently, was believed to be impossible."

Physical exercise and sexual activity promote neurogenesis.  I am eagerly awaiting the additional research that will explain more.  How exactly will those new brain cells work for us?

For example, the role of the hippocampus, an area of the brain involved in memory and emotional regulation, "remains poorly defined" according to the researchers.  They do know, however, that stress, especially depression and post-traumatic brain injury can shrink the hippocampus. And they posit that neurogenesis will have the effect of increasing happiness and well-being.

So hit the gym—and the bed—and in between, practice meditation.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

 

 

ASK AUNTIE SUE--Reader Questions on Poor BJ Receivers, the 69 O--and "What if the CJ is the only game he's got?"

 
Auntie Sue's Legs,  Photo by Trent

 

 I'm getting great responses to"How Low Would You Go To 'Settle'?".  Read the comments posted--You'll have to wait for the email round-up--and tell me if you don't love the man who says (and I paraphrase):  Sexual relationships are all about compromise.  No one can give you everything you want.  You have to decide if what you're not getting is a deal-breaker.  If it is and you go ahead anyway--you've settled.

Today's questions are all oral.  That and the deliciously warm day in Manhattan are making me crave an ice cream cone....

Q.  "I am tired of hearing that men complain they don't get enough oral sex.  Every bloke I've been with has pulled my hair or pushed my head down or held my face while he thrust hard into my mouth.  They should know they don't get a quality BJ that way.  Maybe they don't get a BJ at all.  Assuming you like the guy and want to give him oral glory but need to train him, how would you do that?"  Rose, London via Dublin.

A. I don't like the word (or the concept):  "train."  Ideally, lovers teach--or show and tell--one another.  That said, yes, some men are not good oral receivers.  If you like the guy and want to give him a mind-blowing BJ yet he distracts you or makes you uncomfortable with his grabby, pushy behavior--stop, step back and say, "That turns me off."

Once you have removed your mouth from his cock, you have his attention.  He wants to get you back there.  So tell him what you need from him.  No hair pulling?  No head grabbing?  No hard thrusting?  Start over.  Stop again if he treats you the way you don't want to be treated.

This is a common complaint from women because too many men learned all they know about sex from watching porn.  (Once again, guys, most porn is meant to arouse, not educate.)  Occasionally, I like the right man to man-handle me.  But it's never a good opening move and may never work with many women.  Guys, tell her how you like it--nicely, of course.  Don't shove her head into your crotch and expect miracles.

 

Q. "My wife and I are in our late forties and experimenting with Tantra, sex parties and other ways of opening up our sex life.  We love your books and are using Daily Sex Bible for new ideas.  Great stuff!  Can you help us achieve one of our goals, the Simultaneous 69 Orgasm?"  Gerard, San Diego.

A.  Thank you for the kind words!  I'm glad you are enjoying DSB.  It was a fun book to write--a new idea for every day of the year, some as simple as "The Good-by Ass Slap" and others more complicated, like the Duchess of Windsor's oral secret--which led to a king giving up his throne.

 The simultaneous orgasm during intercourse is easier to manage than the 69 version--because you can look into one another's eyes and read the signals, not to mention control the pace by influencing coital dynamics (the speed and angle of thrusting).  But the basic secret remains the same:  It's all in the timing.  Time how long it takes her to reach orgasm via cunnilingus and you to reach orgasm via fellatio.  If she needs, for example, twice as long or half as long, she (or you) will pull back from stimulating you (or her), attempting to keep him (or her) on the brink.  Guide each other by sounds--urgent if you need More--and pressing your free fingertips into his or her thigh to indicate speed up and lightly pushing away against the thigh to say, "Hold back."

Let me know how it works out.

 

Q. "I've been with some men who wouldn't go there--I dumped them--and men who wouldn't stay there long enough--I pulled their ears--and men who were good enough when they got there--again, the dump.  Now I am seeing the guy of my oral dreams.  At first, I was delirious from multiple orgasms.  After a few months, I realized, this is the only game he's got.  He never gets a really good erection and intercourse is a let-down, ending, I suspect with him faking an orgasm as often as he has one.  What can I do about this?"  Helena, American ex-pat living in Hong Kong.

A.  At the risk of sounding like the anti-Pollyanna:  Not Much.  You can buy him a cock ring.  There are tricks for using a semi-hard penis or sustaining a flagging erection in Best Sex Ever and The Sex Bible.  If the situation is not temporary or occasional but an everyday occurence, check out this great reader tip, "Soft Play."

Many factors can cause a man to have weak erections, including, but not limited to, alcohol and recreational drug abuse, prescription drug side effects, poor physical condition combined with aging, numerous medical conditions and arousal issues.  Do you care enough about him to initiate a conversation on the subject?  If not, enjoy his ability to make your delirious with oral Os and get your hard penetration needs met elsewhere.

Probably he has had erectile issues for some time and perfected his oral game to compensate.  Try introducing sex toys into your post-cunnilingus play.  He may also be adept at using a vibrator on you. If in addition to handling a vibe well, he also takes to bringing you new ones--and there are so many new designer vibes--Enjoy.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

 

HOW LOW WOULD YOU GO TO SETTLE--and What's that got to do with age?

 
Photo Credit:  "Lovers" by DrunkenMoney on Photobucket

 

"You write about sex like it matters so much.  I want a family and a good upscale life.  So I am marrying a man who doesn't particularly turn me on.  Time is running out.  I Don't Care," JJ, 38.

"I read with interest Abandoned Husband's plight.  I could be his leaving wife.  One day I realized I could no longer settle for this marriage," Rose, 50.

"Omigod, I would never settle for a sexless marriage like that poor fool Abandoned Husband is wanting to do if only his cold wife would return to his bed.  Please tell me I will never get that old," Jake, 35.

 

Everybody seems to have an opinion about Abandoned Husband, who wrote to "Ask Auntie Sue" for advice, the man whose wife walked out to find herself at fifty.  He thought they had a solid marriage--with the little exception of an almost non-existant and very mundane sex life.  JJ, you are at the most dangerous age for a single woman, 38, clock ticking so loudly that it drowns out everything else.  Still, I would not castigate you for marrying the man who doesn't turn you on.  You want that baby, that nice lifestyle.  Maybe fifteen or twenty years down the road, you will leave to find yourself--and by "find yourself", I mean have those big orgasms you've been missing before it is just too damn late, another kind of biological clock ticking.  I wouldn't castigate you for that either.

Life has many chapters.  Jake, may none of your chapters include the word "settling."

Last night I was flipping, post-midnight, through cable channels, something none of us do as much anymore.  We make selections via Netflicks, Fios, DVR rather than leaving viewing to random chance.  But now and then, I go for chance.  I settled on "The Banger Sisters," a forgettable comedy starring Susan Sarandon and Goldie Hawn as former groupies at fifty-ish.  Goldie had not let go of the past while Susan had buried it under beige clothes.  Predictably, the staid Susan comes somewhat undone, but not even spilled Polaroids of their Rock Cock collection derails her life.  Goldie's life, however, seems to change, as she  drives off into the Western sun with the Geoffrey Rush character--the obvious message being that she is "settling" down with a man who hadn't had sex in ten years before she came along.

That really made me think about "settling," the word being tossed around by several readers lately. 

I have never "settled" for bad sex or a man I did not want to be with, though my life would have been easier if I had.  (That's why I would be the last person to criticize anyone for making either a choice of the clit or the head.)  But I am curious about what you think. 

What does the word "settling" mean to you?

Send me your stories.  As always, I will send a copy of one of my or my friend Dr. Sonia Borg's Quiver Books if I post your story.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime