HOW LOW WOULD YOU GO TO SETTLE--and What's that got to do with age?

 
Photo Credit:  "Lovers" by DrunkenMoney on Photobucket

 

"You write about sex like it matters so much.  I want a family and a good upscale life.  So I am marrying a man who doesn't particularly turn me on.  Time is running out.  I Don't Care," JJ, 38.

"I read with interest Abandoned Husband's plight.  I could be his leaving wife.  One day I realized I could no longer settle for this marriage," Rose, 50.

"Omigod, I would never settle for a sexless marriage like that poor fool Abandoned Husband is wanting to do if only his cold wife would return to his bed.  Please tell me I will never get that old," Jake, 35.

 

Everybody seems to have an opinion about Abandoned Husband, who wrote to "Ask Auntie Sue" for advice, the man whose wife walked out to find herself at fifty.  He thought they had a solid marriage--with the little exception of an almost non-existant and very mundane sex life.  JJ, you are at the most dangerous age for a single woman, 38, clock ticking so loudly that it drowns out everything else.  Still, I would not castigate you for marrying the man who doesn't turn you on.  You want that baby, that nice lifestyle.  Maybe fifteen or twenty years down the road, you will leave to find yourself--and by "find yourself", I mean have those big orgasms you've been missing before it is just too damn late, another kind of biological clock ticking.  I wouldn't castigate you for that either.

Life has many chapters.  Jake, may none of your chapters include the word "settling."

Last night I was flipping, post-midnight, through cable channels, something none of us do as much anymore.  We make selections via Netflicks, Fios, DVR rather than leaving viewing to random chance.  But now and then, I go for chance.  I settled on "The Banger Sisters," a forgettable comedy starring Susan Sarandon and Goldie Hawn as former groupies at fifty-ish.  Goldie had not let go of the past while Susan had buried it under beige clothes.  Predictably, the staid Susan comes somewhat undone, but not even spilled Polaroids of their Rock Cock collection derails her life.  Goldie's life, however, seems to change, as she  drives off into the Western sun with the Geoffrey Rush character--the obvious message being that she is "settling" down with a man who hadn't had sex in ten years before she came along.

That really made me think about "settling," the word being tossed around by several readers lately. 

I have never "settled" for bad sex or a man I did not want to be with, though my life would have been easier if I had.  (That's why I would be the last person to criticize anyone for making either a choice of the clit or the head.)  But I am curious about what you think. 

What does the word "settling" mean to you?

Send me your stories.  As always, I will send a copy of one of my or my friend Dr. Sonia Borg's Quiver Books if I post your story.

 

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Comments

[Chrystal]

Something to ponder. I will share with my fans and see if we can get any of them to share. A free copy of one of your books or Sonia's book is a great treat for sure, Susan.

Have a great weekend,

Chrystal

[kaykay]

I work with a woman who is happily married to a man she says she has great sex with. We don't go into intimate details, but it sounds like they have a very open, adventurous sex life.

One thing we both have in common is that our husbands are sweet lovers, good lovers, attentive lovers, but also men who are unwilling to take a walk on S&M road. They're not into spanking, even. We both laughed ruefully at wanting to be thrown up against a wall from time to time. But it won't happen, at least not with our husbands.

One could argue that that's a form of settling, I suppose. However, we choose to concentrate on all the things we DO get from our men, rather than the one thing we won't, and the overall result is still way in the positive. I ask myself - in the big picture, is this something that would/could cause me to be unhappy in my relationship? And the answer is no.

[Hardin Reddy]

Don't all lovers "settle" in some sense? How can we expect any one person to fulfill every desire and fantasy we might have--especially when those morph with the passage of days or weeks?

So we go through the calculus--she gives me great sex but won't do anal, he has a fantastic cock but won't eat me--and decide whether what's missing is non-negotiable. And if it is, but we accept the other person anyway, knowing the seeds of future discord have been planted, we have settled.

[Jim]

I think that there are as many definitions of "settling," when it comes to relationships, as there are differences in those relationships to be resolved. I think that that's what it means, relationship-wise . . . a negotiated settlement, over time, between the life you want or envisioned for yourself, and the life you end up with, or need to lead, for one or a dozen reasons.

We each have to come to these levels of comfort ourselves, and justify to ourselves why we've "settled" for the life we have. Or, feeling "unsettled," we try to make changes, with varying degrees of success.

There are no formulas, few right or wrong answers, and fewer certainties, but we do the best we can to feel happy, desired, and loved, and move on.

XO