Auntie Sue's Legs, Photo by Trent
I'm getting great responses to"How Low Would You Go To 'Settle'?". Read the comments posted--You'll have to wait for the email round-up--and tell me if you don't love the man who says (and I paraphrase): Sexual relationships are all about compromise. No one can give you everything you want. You have to decide if what you're not getting is a deal-breaker. If it is and you go ahead anyway--you've settled.
Today's questions are all oral. That and the deliciously warm day in Manhattan are making me crave an ice cream cone....
Q. "I am tired of hearing that men complain they don't get enough oral sex. Every bloke I've been with has pulled my hair or pushed my head down or held my face while he thrust hard into my mouth. They should know they don't get a quality BJ that way. Maybe they don't get a BJ at all. Assuming you like the guy and want to give him oral glory but need to train him, how would you do that?" Rose, London via Dublin.
A. I don't like the word (or the concept): "train." Ideally, lovers teach--or show and tell--one another. That said, yes, some men are not good oral receivers. If you like the guy and want to give him a mind-blowing BJ yet he distracts you or makes you uncomfortable with his grabby, pushy behavior--stop, step back and say, "That turns me off."
Once you have removed your mouth from his cock, you have his attention. He wants to get you back there. So tell him what you need from him. No hair pulling? No head grabbing? No hard thrusting? Start over. Stop again if he treats you the way you don't want to be treated.
This is a common complaint from women because too many men learned all they know about sex from watching porn. (Once again, guys, most porn is meant to arouse, not educate.) Occasionally, I like the right man to man-handle me. But it's never a good opening move and may never work with many women. Guys, tell her how you like it--nicely, of course. Don't shove her head into your crotch and expect miracles.
Q. "My wife and I are in our late forties and experimenting with Tantra, sex parties and other ways of opening up our sex life. We love your books and are using Daily Sex Bible for new ideas. Great stuff! Can you help us achieve one of our goals, the Simultaneous 69 Orgasm?" Gerard, San Diego.
A. Thank you for the kind words! I'm glad you are enjoying DSB. It was a fun book to write--a new idea for every day of the year, some as simple as "The Good-by Ass Slap" and others more complicated, like the Duchess of Windsor's oral secret--which led to a king giving up his throne.
The simultaneous orgasm during intercourse is easier to manage than the 69 version--because you can look into one another's eyes and read the signals, not to mention control the pace by influencing coital dynamics (the speed and angle of thrusting). But the basic secret remains the same: It's all in the timing. Time how long it takes her to reach orgasm via cunnilingus and you to reach orgasm via fellatio. If she needs, for example, twice as long or half as long, she (or you) will pull back from stimulating you (or her), attempting to keep him (or her) on the brink. Guide each other by sounds--urgent if you need More--and pressing your free fingertips into his or her thigh to indicate speed up and lightly pushing away against the thigh to say, "Hold back."
Let me know how it works out.
Q. "I've been with some men who wouldn't go there--I dumped them--and men who wouldn't stay there long enough--I pulled their ears--and men who were good enough when they got there--again, the dump. Now I am seeing the guy of my oral dreams. At first, I was delirious from multiple orgasms. After a few months, I realized, this is the only game he's got. He never gets a really good erection and intercourse is a let-down, ending, I suspect with him faking an orgasm as often as he has one. What can I do about this?" Helena, American ex-pat living in Hong Kong.
A. At the risk of sounding like the anti-Pollyanna: Not Much. You can buy him a cock ring. There are tricks for using a semi-hard penis or sustaining a flagging erection in Best Sex Ever and The Sex Bible. If the situation is not temporary or occasional but an everyday occurence, check out this great reader tip, "Soft Play."
Many factors can cause a man to have weak erections, including, but not limited to, alcohol and recreational drug abuse, prescription drug side effects, poor physical condition combined with aging, numerous medical conditions and arousal issues. Do you care enough about him to initiate a conversation on the subject? If not, enjoy his ability to make your delirious with oral Os and get your hard penetration needs met elsewhere.
Probably he has had erectile issues for some time and perfected his oral game to compensate. Try introducing sex toys into your post-cunnilingus play. He may also be adept at using a vibrator on you. If in addition to handling a vibe well, he also takes to bringing you new ones--and there are so many new designer vibes--Enjoy.
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