ASK AUNTIE SUE-- Abandoned, Angry, Hurting (and very annoying) Husband Needs Your Help

 
Auntie Sue's Legs, Photo by Trent 

 

Today I am devoting the column to one reader’s big messy story—and I’m asking you to advise him.  I love this man, but have hit the wall in helping him.  (I told him to read Pamela Madsen's book, Shameless and get back to me after.  See my review.  Like the Cowardly Lion, he must find his courage; and Pamela is the inspiration for that.)

JG has been writing to me about his marriage for months.  Last summer when we first corresponded, he said that he had a good, solid marriage, but the sex was disappointing.  His wife didn’t like to try anything new, never had been good at oral sex, considers his masturbating to porn cheating on the marriage—and preferred not to do the old routine all that often anymore either.  He was frustrated, horny and feeling deprived.  As the months went by and he moved closer to having an affair to get his sexual needs met, he told me more about his marriage, including his problems reaching orgasm due to meds for depression.  Not too many years ago, she suffered a nasty infection that an infectious disease expert said could only have come from an untreated STD.  The gynecologist said he didn’t think so.  Nobody tested either one of them—which sounds like criminal malpractice to me.

She blamed him.  He said he’d been true to her except for one brief indiscretion with a good, clean woman (no condom) and one lap dance at a strip club.  Yes, he blamed the lap dancer.  I said, “Unless that was a lap dance culminating in sexual intercourse, I don’t think so.”  He admitted his pants hadn’t come off.  I suggested his wife may have strayed, but he said, “No, she wouldn’t do that.”

Uh-huh.  I explained the Madonna/Whore complex to him, but he said, “That’s not me.”  Oh, no, of course not.  Good wife/dirty lap dancer.  No Madonna/Whore there.

At Christmas, she told him she was unhappy and wanted a separation, then left  in a carefully orchestrated move obviously planned well in advance.  The woman is genius at moving on while holding on—just in case the new life doesn’t work out, she’s still married.  Meanwhile, he’s paying all the expenses on their home plus their kids’ college costs while she keeps her salary for her new apartment and travels.  He still doesn’t think she is seeing anyone else. 

After she left him, he cried and whined and said he wanted her back and didn’t understand why she was unhappy and why she had to leave.  I reminded him that the sex that had been lousy for him wasn’t any better, and possibly worse, for her.  Plus, she had her righteous anger about the STD because even if she had lovers, they no doubt were clean, good men; and her husband was the one who brought the dirty lap dancer into their life.  Wasn’t her sexual rejection of him a message about the marriage?  What was so surprising about her decampment?

I urged him to make connections—with a real woman or women, not that there is anything wrong with porn/hookers/strippers/Hooters’ waitresses—but how about a real woman who would expect action and reaction?  Also I suggested he make some friends of his own or develop the casual “guy” friendships he has now.  But he says he is “all alone in the world” because he isn’t able to discuss his marriage with his wife’s best friend whom he thought was also his friend or, for that matter, with anyone in their social group.  “I am left out of the community,” he moaned.  It’s clear to me that the wives in this group are the friends and the husbands come along—until they are no longer attached husbands.  Not only the best friend but all the women have been hearing about JG’s inadequacies (as perceived by the wife) for years no doubt.  Why in hell wouldn’t he want his own team when he’s crying in his beer?

I listened to him whine about how he can’t talk to his wife’s best friend but she talks to her all the time—and, dear readers, I gave him the verbal slap in the face and said, “Snap out of it!”  My patience with his inability to see that marriage and the separation realistically and grow up enough to create his own confidants—at least this much—has frustrated me.  He sounded like a spoiled child, telling me he wants his wife back and his “community” in his corner as well as hers.  Yeah?  I want the body I had at 37 when it was absolutely as perfect as it has ever been.  Oh, and I would like to win a big jackpot lottery without buying a ticket too. 

That’s the short version of his story.  He’s also a good-looking man, very sexy in photos, who can be funny and smart—and write hot erotic scenarios—when he isn’t obsessing on what he’s “lost.”

Advice, readers?  I hope someone has the words that will help this troubled man put on his big boy pants and explore the world.  By the way, I ran this past him before posting.  He has no problems with my summation—and does want your help.

 

Quickly, on an unrelated topic:  I ran into Rebecca the other day at a Starbucks in Harlem.  She looks fabulous, as always.  If you are newer readers and never read Rebecca, go to the category Rebecca Fridays and see what you missed.  She has a unique voice, funny, sexy, cheeky and wise.  Her incredibly busy career got in the way of her writing so SexyPrime lost Rebecca.  But her collected posts await your discovery or re-discovery.  Dr. Betty Dodson says that Rebecca’s post on her mother’s pubic hair is one of the funniest things she’s ever read; and that is high praise.  Enjoy!

 copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime.

Comments

[M Sinsualguide]

To the Angry Frustrated Husband:

In my first marriage, I too, was with a woman who rarely wanted sex of any kind, sucked at fellatio, and considered my masturbating to be infidelity. Eleven years after I left I am a very happy man, and here is WHY. Hopefully, my tale will be of some help.

After I left, I did not sit around my apartment crying over it for very long. I realized that now I had an opportunity to be happy, either alone, or with someone that was a better match for me. So, I got over my pity party and started dating, both thru meeting people online, and occasionally meeting people in the real world. Many of those dates included sexual encounters, some of which were amazing, and some of which told me immediately that the woman and I were not sexually compatible. In those cases, I moved on immediately.

Nothing that we know about your marriage indicates that it was any picnic. So the sooner you end it, by filing for a divorce, and dividing up the property, the sooner you can move on. Susan tells us that you are an attractive, funny man...stop pining over loss of something you were not happy with and start using your good qualities to market yourself in the hopes of finding someone you will be a lot happier with.

Tell you brain-dead ex-wife to find different doctors. If neither of them actually tested to figure out what that intransigent infection was, they should both lose their license to practice.

Your ex's sexual disinteres could have been caused by a number of things. The ones that seem the most likely possibilities (in no particular order) are:

1. She was cheating on you and getting all she wanted from him.
2. She is a lesbian that has never accepted that about herself.
3. She is not all that into you (which is almost certainly not going to improve at this point.)
4. She has a very low libido.
5. She is selfish.
6. She is depressed.

Your certainty that she would never cheat is not evidence that she would not. When husbands cheat with any regularity, the wives generally know. When wives cheat for years...the husbands rarely suspect. Women are rather better, as a group, at concealing their infidelities. Since it can be mathematically shown that women do the exact same amount of heterosexual cheating that men do, the cultural conviction that men cheat more than women is best explained by women's greater skill at hiding their cheating.

Your wife apparently got most of the "Friends" in the breakup. That generally means they were her friends to begin with. Get out of the house and make new friends. The old ones are not coming back.

This is an opportunity you have wanted for years. So grab the chance by the balls and try to find someone you really enjoy being with...and when you go on dates, do NOT whine about your breakup. Very unappealing!

[Lynda Belle]

Okay a woman's POV - Can't hold a grudge without all the ~facts~ and if an STD is the issue and neither of you have been tested with positive results then like last Congress that's lame duck! Don't get me started a linear thinking probably but not sure doctors! I have had years of them!
Lap dance - can't get an STD with multiple layers of clothes? I get lap dances quite often or pay for VP room for Hubby and I wouldn't do this if it was a possibility.
It's all about the couple as far as I am concerned and if this guy communicated and wife didn't get it and still said no then yah I bet he did 'cheat' one can do without for so long and this goes for male and female! What is up with spouses that deprive then cries 'I'm the one done wrong!'? BS! They are the one who DID wrong! When it comes to marital sex there should never be celibacy or any thing close to! If we can not have our desires, fantasies, and ~needs~ met by our spouse then who is suppose to meet them? Well, by God, guess what. Husbands and Wives find someone who will, witness it all the time and not just in the tabloids or news. I bet he is depressed, and no pill will fix it. In fact stop taking the pill and pull your head out of the drug induced fog! His subconscious is screaming out loud and the pill induced sound reduction is stopping the clear thinking.

Porn and erotica is NOT CHEATING, and if someone is of the opinion it is then they need to ditch the insecurities! Rise to the occasion instead of crying in the corner. 'Poor me, he jacked off to porn' MHO.
Face it, we are of the few that think that 'our friends' should still be 'my friend' when there is a split. The common scenario is they, mostly women, will pick sides and their hubbies will probably say 'sorry dude' because your problems will carry over and make it their problem. Just the way it is. More than likely though their husband tunes them out when they start doing the 'poor friend if you did that to me I'd leave too' and he is probably thinking 'ya if you cut me off for no reason then held a grudge for no real reason then I'd do what he did' but I bet he doesn't say it out loud. Find a male support group in the news paper, craigs list, or local tabloid. NOT a church because as soon as you say porn and strip club you probably will get bashed for no real reason. Try a biker bar if not one listed.

You've been played Dude. She might not be with someone else. Sounds to me like an independent woman who got sick of being Mom and wife is a possibility. Let me guess pre-menopause. Oh hell no about the he pays all. She can pay her portion, who ever makes the most pays more-if equal then split 50/50 of kids expenses. They are her kids too! Don't know about his state but as long as her name is on the mortgage and what not she can claim the benefits-get that fixed. Get a legal separation if divorce is not an option. She should love you enough and put her big girl panties on! Find your balls and not allow her to eat her cake and have it too without leaving you any crumbs.

"He’s also a good-looking man, very sexy in photos, who can be funny and smart—and write hot erotic scenarios" Literotica is full of spouses like this, and their mates are clueless; or they show their mates and they are either appalled or 'I had no idea. Woo Hoo!', but had to read it to get it. Here is my view of 'being married', and I've been married for 25 years, it is all about the couple! Not he. Not she, but we. Sometimes it is about one or the other, but when all is weighed out it should minimum be 60/40. Pull your head out of you depression pill induced fog, which you probably shouldn't have been in in the first place, because a pill isn't going to fix what a good romp in the hay 3 times a month, minimum, will. Face it folks. Sex is a natural need and anti-depressants are the kill joy and ED causing effect for men and women provided by the pharmaceuticals feeding and empowering our conservative sex negative made society. Hope this helps. 80)Lynda Belle

[Nikki Leigh]

Great advice and I like your thoughts. This is something I've dealt with in friends, family and clients -- they are in a relationship where they are unhappy and not satified, but whine they want her back when she leaves. The thought is the misery you know is better than being alone -- I can tell you that it i NOT better. She left and I agree that she has the best of both worlds at this point. Its past time for you to get out there - do not talk about your wife - and meet some new women.

This is also a great time for you to work on yourself. You've been settling for an unhappy and unsatifying existence for years, so I would suggest that you work on learning to love and cherish yourself. Once you know what you want and need in a relationship - determine what you have to offer a woman. What do you bring to a relationship? You need to know the answer to that. Along with learning to love yourself - consider this... its hard to ask another person to love and cherish your - if you don't love and cherish yourself.

Its your turn - start divorce procedings and start living a positive and satisfying life :)

[kaykay]

Women love to talk about relationships and they love to give their opinions and they love to coddle and care and coo over other people's hard knocks.

This man is getting a lot of attention from living like this. I'm guessing it might be some of the most attention he's ever had from women.

I agree with the other comments, for sure, and I add that this man is probably happier right now with the level of female attention he's getting than he's been in a long time. He's reduced himself to a child-like mentality and it's working for him. Why should he pull up his big-boy pants? If he leaves them down and shows his ass like he has been, he doesn't have to grow up and can keep getting petted for a while longer.

Problem is, as Susan's frustration shows, sooner or later people's emotions turn from sympathy to impatience when a grown person doesn't start living on his or her own. Sympathy only goes so far, because we ALL got problems, baby, and you're creating most of your own at this point.

[Kimmie]

My husband does computer forensic work for civil and family law - mostly divorce cases. He had another one today that made him say, "Same old story."

Over and over and over again, the male clients call, freaked out and emotional wrecks because their wives announced one day that they were done with the relationship and moving out. These women have everything lined up before they tell their husbands. Whether the women find out that their husbands were cheating on them, or if the wives themselves cheated and decided they're ready to leave their marriages, they plan everything out first before dropping the bomb on their husbands.

It's the same old story. You are not alone in that respect. Listen to what people are telling you. Move on. She did - longer ago than you knew. Take what you've learned and make a better life for yourself.

[me.yahoo.com/a/hhFFKocVstfTfoBen.rebSURCiW2xcNl]

JG,

I am approaching you as a man who has experienced a failed marriage, did what I could to save it! And, gave it up when I knew it could not be fixed. Boy that sounds simple doesn’t it? Toughest thing I have ever experienced.

I want to address you in terms of your actions and thinking in continuing in this failed marriage.

I believe that you have seen what is happening in your marriage and sex life being evidenced for all these many years and have stuck your head in the sand. You have been hoping it would go away with no effort on your part. Not going to happen!

I, too, had an accusation of infidelity due to a positive test for a STD. I received a call at work and a demand from my ex that I come to her urologist’s office immediately.

I was furious with her urologist for prematurely telling my ex she had a STD. I demanded a retest.

Being a microbiologist by education, I also new that the first culture of any the family of bacteria with -coccus on the end of it’s name needed to be sub-cultured to provide a definite identification result. (Sub-culture is a culture from the first sample’s growth.)

My ex’s retest and my test both both the ex’s and my tests were negative for the STD she accused me of transmitting to her.

I would not expect you to now to ask for a retest with sub-culture. That was the physicians' responsibility.

Like my ex-wife’s urologist and your wife’s infectious disease specialist, both were poorly educated and did not know to call for a subculture or just ignored correct procedures. Either reason is truly criminal and is medical mal-practice.

Unlike Susan, I ask you why you did not demand a retest of your wife and to have yourself tested before any treatment was initiated for your wife. I am assuming you actually talked with each physician. Did you have each one tell you personally what disease your wife had contracted.

Did you ask each physician your probability of being infected, or to give you an estimate of how long your wife was infected with this disease to be so ill?

I am assuming you were treated along with your wife for a disease you did not positively know you had contracted or were you infected by your one time dalliance and were caught? It sounds like you were caught, but you were not tested and you really don’t know it wasn’t your wife instead of you.

Why have I been so harsh with you about this?

I have empathy for you. I do not have sympathy for you. Accept your role in this failed relationship, whatever the extent. There are so many times you have not asked prudent questions of yourself or your wife.

You have been and are stilling being like so many married family oriented men who see the marriage unraveling. You were afraid to make any waves in your marriage because you were and are still afraid to be divorced.

More specifically, I believe you are afraid to be alone. You don’t want to put in the necessary work to start over or to get professional counseling and figure out your role in the failure of your marriage.

I don’t know any of my friends that have gone through a divorce and have a successful second marriage that were not afraid of all of those things, including and especially myself. I had two children at home that played a large part in my remaining in the marriage two or three years too long just for them.

There comes a time when you must deal with reality. That time has come and is long past the time for you to stop allowing your wife to use you as she is.

Your wife wants to play outside of a relationship with you and is happy with her choice. Your wife is not attempting to resolve the relationship problems and she does not want to resolve them. If your wife returned home today, she would leave again when it suited her.

JG, you are allowing her to abandon her responsibilities to you as your wife. You are allowing your wife to abandon at least financial responsibilities to her children. Your wife is doing all of this with no accountability or consequences. Your wife has a life free of family obligation not showing any remorse.

Does this sound like a person you want to have in your life? I hope not. Now you have the answer to the questions you have been asking Susan. All of them!

Your marriage was over years ago and how can you possibly ignore that fact now and how could you ever be willing to take your wife back to be dumped a second time.

As Kimmie suggest above, your wife definitelly has this planned and is so far living her plan as she wants to live it.

I am assuming you have a decent job. Susan says you are attractive. That probably means not to overweight for your height and age, putting you are at an advantage to many single men. Susan also says you have a sense of humor and you have an erotic streak in your mind. The sense of humor will do wonders in building your next relationship. Any woman with a healthy appetite for sex will eat up you and your erotic mind in so many different ways.

Get a lawyer and file for divorce. The person filing first usually has the advantage.

Get a therapist and work on giving up being afraid. Giving up your fear of starting over will allow you to finish grieving, starting from what ever stage you are at.

Start learning to be happy again. Learn to be happy living by yourself. When you learn how to be happy living by yourself, then you can think about having relationships with women again. Susan says you have found new male friends. Work hard to know the ones you want to keep in your life and don’t give them up when you have relationships with women.

Of course all of your couple friends are her friends and not yours. That is often but not always the case. You obviously had no close ties to the husbands to keep them as friends.

I won’t try to kid you. This will be hard work. At the end of the day you will feel great about yourself. You will love yourself. Ask Susan? You must love yourself before the type of woman you want in your life will be attracted to you and will eventually want to have a long term relationship with you.

It is time you to put together a plan to learn to live the rest of your life as a happy man. Figure it out and go do it!

[Hardin Reddy]

Sue's reaction is echoed by the reader comments, and what I have to add is nuance and encouragement.

I know several men whose wives left them under somewhat similar circumstances. JG's reaction is typical: he is hurt by the rejection and desperately trying to hang on to the relationship.

Yes, JG needs to "get over it," as do these male acquaintances of mine. But what he needs is to have his ego salved, to be reassured that he is attractive and wanted, both sexually and emotionally.

He is fortunate to live in an era when finding potential new friends and sex partners is easier than ever, thanks to this very medium that is bringing us (otherwise strangers) together. If he is "a good-looking man, very sexy in photos, who can be funny and smart—and write hot erotic scenarios," he needs to create a profile on social networking sites (with photos) and ask to "friend" women he finds attractive. Some may say yes! He may also try writing an erotic blog, both to work out his own kinks and to showcase his intelligence and writing ability. There are women out there looking for material like that to read--women who may be interested in beginning a relationship with an author they have grown to enjoy. The attention will help replace the emotional support he's lost at home, and may just lead to something even more satisfying.

[Sex Fairy]

It looks like plenty of people have had plenty to say on this, but I'll add my thoughts, and try to keep it brief.
It seems like this hubby is doing something typically male: he wants it all. He wants 'the family' and wants to still fool around. He doesn't want his wife, but doesn't want anyone else to have her, either. If HE had left HER, he wouldn't be whining, guaranteed.
I say to him: SHE asked for a separation. How much more do you need to know???
Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be WITH YOU, anyway???
It is DEFINITELY time to move on. Sometimes the past is hard to let go of, but remember...it's just that -- the past.
Move forward, find a happy life for yourself.
PS: my bet is that the wife was cheating and picked up the std herself. (you can't get an std from a clothed lapdance, DURRR)