Auntie Sue's Legs, photo by Trent
Every now and then someone, usually a spiritual sex guru or a woman who has orgasm issues, tells me that orgasm is not that important or it’s over-rated or “Sex is about more than orgasm.” Uh-huh. But my email box is stuffed with questions from readers about ORGASM.
Q. “My husband ordered a copy of your book The Orgasm Loop because I don’t reach orgasm very easily. I am intimidated by the process. How do I work my way up to it? He is anxious for me to learn how to have orgasms more easily because our lovemaking sessions wear him down if I decide to go for the O,” Meghan, Dublin.
A. Kisses to your husband. I hope you appreciate him for taking the initiative in making sex better for you. And why are you intimidated by the process? It’s not that hard. If you ever learned how to ride a bicycle or even walk in stilettos, you can figure this out. I created the technique in response to women’s repeated question, “How can I have an orgasm during intercourse (without using my hands)?” I spent four years playing around with O Loop until I got it right; and then it was tested by over 500 women, most of whom made it work. Whether you use your hands (or a vibrator) or go for the No-Hands experience, O Loop will give you more intense orgasms. Absolutely!
The Orgasm Loop has three areas, roughly comparable to Mind/Body/Spirit: Visualize your sexual arousal. Use breathing and PC flexing techniques to increase and sustain arousal. Energy focus—concentrate on bringing all your energy into your genitals until you feel the fires of passion burning there. That may sound esoteric, but give it a chance.
Sadie Faye wrote a review on lemondrop.com explaining how the technique worked for her: The Orgasm Loop: Self-Help That Really Works. Write and tell me how it works for you.
(You can also find the short form of O Loop in The Sex Bible for Women, The Orgasm Bible and The Little Book of Big Orgasm)
Q. “My wife thinks we need to go to sex therapy because 1. I want sex “too much” and 2. She doesn’t have orgasms. Will sex therapy help us? How do I find the right therapist?” JG, 43, Atlanta.
A. Why don’t you buy her one of my books and turn her on to The Orgasm Loop? That will solve problem number 2, which may in turn solve problem number 1 because she will likely want sex more often if it is more satisfying to her.
The success rates for sex, marital and couples therapists is not high. Even some couples who report success in therapy say their gains are eroded a year or more later. Dr. Patti Britton, who created sex coaching, says, “Therapists start at the outer layers of the problem. You will spend a lot of sessions talking about your parents, your hang-ups, attitudes, belief systems, the breakdown of household chores—before you get to the sex. A sex coach starts with the sex. Think of a dart board. We aim for the Bulls Eye, the sex life in the center. Fix the sex and the other areas of relationship will get better too.”
Try O Loop and a sex coach or a sex therapist who also acts as a coach. Keep me posted.
Q. “I am in my early sixties and trim, fit, active, but I haven’t had sex in two years. I’ve had four dinner dates with a man who is getting affectionate and hinting at sex. Frankly, I’m scared, intrigued, but scared. It wasn’t that great the last time—and the time before that. I am too dry, self-conscious about the little sags and bags and wrinkles and unsure of my sexual skills. Am I past my sell-by date in the sexual marketplace?” Ginny.
A. Ginny, if you are desirous of sex, you are not “too old” to have it.
As women we compare ourselves to the ideal bodies in glossy magazines and on big screens. Not even the models and actresses look that good without a lot of help from their teams. Worse, older women imagine every younger woman as physical perfection when the truth is many younger women have more sags, bags and fat than older women who have remained “trim, fit and active” do. Banish those images and thoughts. Look at yourself in the mirror and focus on the good bits.
Some other practical tips: Buy some fabulous lingerie—and I’m not talking thongs—to make you feel like a sensuous woman. Use a vaginal moisturizing product like Replens on a regular basis and find a lubricant or oil that works for you during lovemaking. Check out the sex tips in the categories on the right hand side of the blog: Sex Wardrobe Basics and The Sex Tip of the Day. (And, of course, darling, buy my books.) If you don’t own a Rabbit vibrator or another internal vibe, get one because masturbating with it will help condition your vagina.
Then let him seduce you. If he’s good at that, the rest will follow because you’re prepared for pleasure. Please don’t forget to send me the details.
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