Auntie Sue's Legs, Photo by Trent
I tried to ignore them—Pretended they were really written by women posing as men—Told myself they were a mirage that had migrated to my desk from the hot city streets—Bought a vial of Holy Water from St. Patrick’s and sprinkled them. Finally I could no longer deny the truth: Men have relationship questions and they want me to answer them.
It’s a perfect day for that because tonight I am headed to my pal Richard Anton Diaz’s class Hot Man/Woman Game of Love & Sex at Sexy Spirits. I will dump the unanswerable questions in his lap.
Q. “I read about your pal Hugh’s crush—and also not to mention your own crush on Dan Taylor, the radio guy—and I want to know, How do you define a crush when the crushers are technically old enough to be grandparents (not that I am yet)? Is later age crushing another sign of aging Boomer/Gen X-ers refusal to grow up? By the way, I have a crush on a 23 year old who works in my office. What should I do about it?” John, 44, Washington D.C.
A. D.C., another one of my favorite cities, is full of lovely young women wearing appropriately conservative clothing to jobs in government offices where they unwittingly drive the older men mad with desire. You can’t do anything about it without likely suffering consequences, not in D.C. anyway. But isn’t it nice to have your libido boosted by daily injections of lusty longing?
I’m not sure the definition of “crush” changes so much over the years but perhaps the objects of our crushes do. (Hugh defines crush as “a feeling that makes you want to learn how to play the cello and serenade her.” Huh?) We are less likely to be moved by physical beauty alone, but to be attracted to certain qualities, like intelligence, wit, charm, warmth, a spirit of adventure and generosity of mind. (But I am talking about Sexy Morning Man again.) Yes, the object of your crush is young, but likely smart and savvy. D.C. eats its young; and the ones who will clearly survive are powerfully attractive.
Use the sexual energy the crush generates to make mad passionate love to your wife with whom you probably share a lovely home in Bethesda and two teenage children. I’m just saying….
Q. “You probably won’t believe this, but I think that asking a woman to perform a BJ degrades her. When I was hooking up two or three nights a week with strangers, I tried to get all the BJs.I could from those accommodating women. Now I am with a woman I want to make my wife; and I feel uncomfortable when she gets down on her knees and takes my cock into her mouth. Can I ever enjoy getting oral sex from her—or do men commonly not want their wives and the mothers of their children to perform this act?” Ramon, 33, Mexico City and San Diego.
A. Oh, yeah, I’ve heard that line about the degrading B.J. from other men, including most recently, a Facebook fan who has so much “respect” for women that he even requests permission to fantasize about them. Ramon, you are, like the FB fan, rooted in sex shame. You think sex is dirty, your penis is dirty, her mouth should not be dirty—and possibly hundreds of other wrong-headed things about sexual desires and behaviors. I think you need to work all that out in therapy—certainly before you marry the woman and turn her into the Madonna in your Madonna/Whore equation.
There’s a little whore and a little Madonna (the singer, not the virgin mother) in most sophisticated sexy women. We like it that way. And, Baby, some of us are really into sucking dick.
Q. “What is the simple secret to getting MORE sex? I’ve been married eight years and am lucky to get it once a week. I will try anything short of sucking blood from her tampons,” Claude, London.
A. Love those vampire shows, do you? Sucking blood from tampons isn’t likely to get you where you want to go—but, sadly, I don’t have a “simple” answer, i.e. roadmap, for that either.
Try approaching your wife with an open mind and a basic question: “What could I do to make the sex so much better for you that you would want to have it more than once a week?” Encourage her to let down her defenses and speak the sex truth. If she does, don’t spoil the moment by making fun of what she says.
My personal theory is that women would want sex more often if they had more orgasms and had them more easily. (She may not admit that, however, because it would also involve admissions of faking Os.) So order The Little Book of Big Orgasms.
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"There’s a little whore and a little Madonna (the singer, not the virgin mother) in most sophisticated sexy women. We like it that way. And, Baby, some of us are really into sucking dick."
SO PERFECT!! Thanks for putting that out there! :D
Posted by: LambChop | August 26, 2010 at 01:44 PM