Auntie Sue's Legs Photo by Trent
I woke up craving a cheeseburger, called a guy pal to meet me later for lunch at our new favorite burger pub—and was surprised by his question— “Why didn’t we ever sleep with each other, not that I am suggesting that, but my ex-wife never believed we didn’t—so, why do you think?” I haven’t slept with any of my guy pals though there is or has been an underlying sexual tension, to various fluctuating degrees between me and them. Isn’t that what gives close friendships with men the extra frisson—and drives their wives to distraction?
His comment also leads into the first question.
Q. “I am getting married in a month to a wonderful woman. She’s everything to me. But I wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweat panic. Can I do this—never sleep with another woman again? What happens when the sex gets boring? Do you know anyone who ever made it work?” James, 29, Denver, Colorado.
A. Mazel tov, James. If you didn’t experience panic, you wouldn’t be taking the commitment seriously. Your sex life will have its low points as life in general does. Yes I have known people who made it work. My late sister and brother-in-law had a great marriage. (Out of Mama’s four girls, she was the only one who did. What does that say about odds?) Can you do it? Nobody has the answer to that one. Send me your address and I will mail you a copy of my new book Best Sex Ever as a wedding gift.
I took your questions to another guy pal, C, an American entrepreneur, born in the Dominican Republic, and married to a beautiful Japanese lady. (They have gorgeous kids.)
“I was sleeping with three women, including my future wife. I knew exactly how sex would be the next month, the next year, forever with the other two—but with the woman I would marry, I couldn’t predict what sex would be like. So I stopped seeing the two and was faithful to my woman even while she went home to Japan for three months. We got married and started a family when she came back.”
His best sex tip: “Sex starts hours before you go to bed together. Kiss and hug her in the kitchen while she’s cooking, massage her feet in your lap while you’re watching TV. Don’t miss opportunities to touch her.”
Q. “My labia hang low. I have so much labia that they are scooped up and held against my pussy by my panties. When I am the first time with a man, he is always surprised by them. Sometimes he will say so. What do you advise about labia surgery—or as a sexual revolutionary, would you say No? Do men marry women with big lips?” Lidia, Rome, Italy.
A. Sexual revolutionary? Me?! I don’t think so, Babe. I stand up for everyone’s right to define their own sexuality (and practice it with other consenting adults)—and I stand up for ORGASM!—but you won’t run into me at an orgy. My personal sex life is one man at a time and vibe play, alone or with my man—hardly revolutionary. When we were writing for Penthouse Forum at the same time, the legendary Annie Sprinkle, the one woman on this planet entitled to call herself “goddess,” dubbed me “the P.T.A. Mom of Porn.”
Re. your labia: Ouch, I hope you don’t have surgery to reduce them. Women’s vulvas come in a dazzling array of shapes and sizes, like flowers and seashells, each its own beauty. Because the average man has seen more pussies in porn where they look more or less alike than in real life where they don’t, he doesn’t know about the delicious diversity. So he may be surprised. But surprise is not in itself a negative reaction. Even if it were, would you chop off parts of your inner parts to please such a man? Yes, men do marry women with big lips.
A friend believes her long labia make her more sensual. I’ve heard that from other women too. Before you contemplate labiaplasty, research potential side effects, including nerve damage—and read this intelligent and thought-provoking essay by Jamye Waxman, sex educator and film producer/director, on Carnal Nation: “Large Labia Love.” Keep me posted. I want to hear from you again.
Q. “Are smart women better in bed? I have seen surveys to this effect. I finished my O levels [equivalent of American high school] but did not go to university though I am a successful businessman. Mostly, I have dated women on my same educational level, but I am strongly attracted to a woman with advanced degrees. What do you think? Have I been missing something because I am, to tell the truth, intimidated by women with degrees?” Denis, London.
A. I think you will find smart women with and without advanced degrees. As a ghostwriter—my other career—I have worked with some brilliant men and women, largely self-educated past high school, and a few PhDs who begged the question, “Who the hell conceptualized their dissertations?” People who keep learning and evolving past their formal education end point are smart—and interesting.
And they probably do have better sex. Get past your feelings of intimidation and ask her out for a drink. If she evaluates people solely by their educational level, she is insecure and not worthy of your attention—and don’t let that put you off other women holding advanced degrees.
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The woman with the large labia should know that many men find them extraordinarily sexy . . . and fun to play with.
Check out these paintings to see a representative range of sizes: http://www.jackieadshead.co.uk/gallery/queyntes/
Posted by: Hardin Reddy | July 26, 2010 at 12:46 PM
Thanks....what a great link!
Posted by: Susan Crain Bakos | July 26, 2010 at 12:49 PM
Lidia, Please please please do not have the surgery. And know that many men love large labia. I might also suggest you check out the books "Petals" and "Femalia" in order to understand the variety of genitalia that exist. And as Susan suggested, any man that you would change your body for is not a man who loves you for who you are.
Posted by: Tom Small | July 26, 2010 at 01:01 PM