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“Never in my life have I let a fling get to me like this one has,” Dave said, in reference to a recent romantic break-up with his roommate, who is still in the apartment. She was his roommate before she was his lover. (Lesson #1: Don’t bang the roomie, even if she takes her shirt off in the kitchen while you’re making dinner. Turn off the burners and leave the apartment. Quickly.) A recent Ask Auntie Sue question about sex with the ex prompted his own confession to me. “Having her live there is just weird and doesn’t make getting over her easier.”
The lady in question is not so special (as he is!) that “getting over her” would be that difficult—if they weren’t sharing the same apartment. He watches her walk out the door, dressed for a date, and wakes in the morning, wondering if she came home—or not. Ah, the wounding sexual drama of it all.
According to my emails in response to that Auntie Sue question, it is a drama that’s being played out all across recessionary America—at different levels of comedy and pathos. (*Hello, NBC, 10 o’clock dramadey concept here.) Some people can’t afford a divorce and have moved to separate bedrooms in suburbia, or bed/couch in cities. Others were urban roomies who crossed the boundary line and now wish they hadn’t—or roomies who moved in together as lovers—and now aren’t or wish they weren’t. What to do? First, remember that camping in your mom and step dad’s basement, homeless shelters, on your best friend’s lumpy couch or the city’s transport system is even less conducive to good sleep than the presence of your ex down the hall—and jumping into a new relationship because he has a big apartment is the worst idea of all. Then:
- · If you break the “no sex” rule as inevitably you will—recognize that 1.) the sex changes nothing and 2.) adults do not have to pretend that it does.
- · When you break the “no sex” rule—have intercourse in the rear entry position only. Less intimate. You can fantasize he is someone else more easily if you don’t have to look into his eyes while you come. Play with your clit. Enjoy the bang. (See The Sex Bible and The Sex Bible for Women for variations on the classic position.)
- · The un-breakable rule: Neither brings another lover home. Ever.
- · Make that sexual tension work for you. Masturbate. Babes, buy a new vibrator. Boys, have you tried The Sleeve? All of you, go to Babeland and find toys to amuse you alone while locked in your own room on a winter's night.
- · Don’t date anyone with a roommate.
- · Recognize that your feelings of loss and occasional longings for re-attachment are inspired by the drama of the situation.
- · Save your money so you can get out of there as soon as possible.
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