Photo Credit: "desire" by Marius on Photobucket
A reader wrote this letter in response to The Sex Happiness Survey part one and The Sex Happiness Survey, part two. It's so compelling that I have to share it with you.
"I read with interest the results of your surveys; and I note that women like me don't respond to such surveys. It is too painful.
"I am 37 and married and I have no sex life. One of those 'sexless marriage' couples that you don't want to study! We have lost it sexually or maybe we never found it. How can we get it back? Is that even the right question?
"My husband is 41. He has one of those 'basketball bellies' you noted are so common among white men over 40. We never had the kind of oral sex that you and Kimmie in her Wednesday stories and some of your readers describe. He was never very good at sex. I suppose I wasn't either.
"The women who gave you a bad time about the penis questions ["Do You Really Want The Truth: Women Answer 7 Questions On His Prime Member] may be just like me, cut off from their own sexuality and his penis and angry. You asked why they come to this site and read these questions when they respond in a 'prudish' way. They, I, are more than curious; we are longing but afraid and ashamed to say.
"You and women like you, women who are open and frank about sex and claim you are sex happy, threaten us. Here I am still asking you if there is anything I can do, if it is too late for me..."
Come on, Babe, light your fire!
Too late for a sex life at 37? Only a 17 year old would think so. Can you 'get it back" with your husband? Did you have "it" in the beginning? People marry for many reasons, including companionship, friendship, economic security, the desire for children. Sometimes they don't marry their passionate lovers--and then ask why they have a dehydrated marriage.
First, take responsibility for your own sexuality. Buy a vibrator. (Check out the Sex Toys and Sex Tip of the Day posts for inspiration.) You can have a sex life, starting now. Give yourself a daily orgasm; and you will feel more sensual, more sexual--happier.
Second, Read. Sexual desire is complex, especially in women. Read "Is Your Sexual Passion Lost, Missing or a Deserter--and Can You Get It Back?" and some of my other posts on sexual desire that are less philosophical than this one and more oriented in the science of arousal and desire. I also recommend The Sex Bible for Women. Begin with the sections on desire and arousal.
Third, have a conversation with your husband. Focus solely on sharing information on sex techniques that you have read about and would like to learn. Confess your own feelings of erotic inadequacy. (No recriminations about the no-sex past!) I am a firm believer in sex technique; and I've yet to hear from a sexually dissatisfied man or woman who doesn't have some kind of technique issue, either personally or with partner. Good erotic skills enable you to connect emotionally with one another. Poor erotic skills will eventually drive you apart.
Fourth, consider a sex coach. While therapists approach your sex problem by talking about your relationships with your mothers, sex coaches get right to the sex. Dr. Patti Britton, the creator of sex coaching, calls this: The Bull's Eye Method. Hit the target and the good feelings radiate outward into the other areas of relating.
However, if deep issues like suppressed anger are keeping you from moving tentatively toward one another--call a couples therapist.
Finally, if good sex isn't possible between you and your husband, ask yourself: Am I happy with my vibes in my private time--or do I long for a man (or woman)? That's a question only you can answer. Keep me posted. Thank you for writing and explaining to me how much some of the women I've written off as "prudes" must be hurting.
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