Photo credit: "Man In Mask Of A Woman" by Ilhuicamina
The Zola and I are brunching at Maxie’s Grill (19th Street between Park and Irving), glancing through the Sunday papers as we trade gossip—and suddenly there it is in our favorite tab, The New York Post: “WOMEN ON TOP: Men worry they’re falling behind in a ‘he-cession’—they’re right.”
“It’s alpha women/beta men! We got there first!” he says triumphantly.
So we did. If you’ve missed our conversations and interviews, read them. We’ve been talking about these issues for months.
“There’s been a lot of panic recently over the current state and uncertain future of the American male,” writes Maureen Callahan who says the panic is well-founded and the crisis is global, not just American. About Japanese Gen-X men, she says, they “…live with their mothers, rely on porn and the internet for sex…and go to the bathroom like girls, sitting on the toilet to pee.”
“Didn’t I just say that beta men are the new girls!” Zola exults.
Yes, you did; and you were quoting me.
As he tucks into his herb and goat cheese egg white omelet and I enjoy my cheddar and bacon omelet (including the yolks), we exchange thoughts on the “collective identity crisis” resulting from the “severe social, cultural, sexual and familial anxiety crippling the modern man.” Yes, we know men have lost more jobs than women in the recession, but let’s get to the sex part.
Zola thinks of himself as the spokesperson for the beta male, but he’s only one slice of that custard pie.
I’ve identified four beta male sexual types. (Let me know if I’ve left anyone out.)
- THE PUSSY MAN
“She Comes First” by Dr. Ian Kerner is his bible. Like Kerner, he became a cunnilingus expert because he was a premature ejaculator. But nobody ever gave him Kerner’s follow-up book, “He Comes Next.” Does he come? Who knows? He always goes straight for the pussy and stays there as long as the lady will permit.
“Do you suppose the Pussy Man is the same guy who sits down to pee?”--except in Japan where, apparently there is no pussy for him, only porn and Mom’s home cooking.
“Yes, without a doubt,” he says. “There are two kinds of men who sit down to pee: ex-junkies who are used to sitting down because they nodded off a lot when they were using, making the stand-up pee dangerous--and the pussy man.“
Not that there s anything wrong with eating pussy—I hasten to add. A lot of women only come via cunnilingus or masturbation. Any good male lover should be able to pass an oral exam.
“But you’ve gotta have game. You have to be more than a one tool player. The Pussy Man is a Designated Licker on the male sexual team. He never gets to hit it out of the park. The guy is only brought in for special situations.”
Hmmmm. I am recalling a Pussy Man in my own past; and, yes, he was the DL.
- THE KINK PROVIDER
He services kinky women. While he may flatter himself that he’s the dominant male—he is only playing one from a script written for him by the woman in charge. Often she uses him for a while, then drops him. Zola, The Spanking Man, is a case in point.
Over a decade ago when I wrote Kink: The Hidden Sex Lives of Americans—women were either professional doms or they demurred about why they were playing kinky. Often they said, Oh, I’m doing it for him. I ask Zola: “You write about your Kinky Decade, your thirties, when your sex life was mainly being a kink provider for women. Did the game change over ten years?
“A decade ago, women hinted at what they wanted, making suggestions, like ‘Why don’t we try this.? Now it’s a command performance. ‘Do this.’ ‘This is what I want; this is how I want it.’ “
Clearly, you are not in control, even though you play the dominant role as The Spanking Man.
“Dominant men never were in control, but it’s more obvious now. Women aren’t embarrassed or shy about expressing their sexual desires. The culture is supporting sexually empowered women. It’s not supporting macho men.”
Ah, yes, Maureen Callahan says right here in the Post that Brad Pitt and Barack Obama are the new Real Men, caring, compassionate, devoted to their strong women—and powerful.
“Brad Pitt,” he grouses. “I grew up thinking that we should all be like John Wayne, the tough guy”
I laugh. The Macho Man is an object of derision or pity, at best he is a dinosaur.
- THE DUKE OF DENIAL
He has the headache. Or he’s too tired, too stressed for sex when she initiates it, which is more often than he does. He’s the classic passive/aggressive man with a new twist. Where once he would have come before she was barely aroused or scratched her clit when she finally got him to go down—now he just says, NO.
“It is another example of beta men being the new girls. Girls say No. Now boys say NO,” Zola says. Maybe it is his power sex game. “
He’ll say yes if she bribes him with a new toy—or strokes his ego?
“These guys aren’t getting a lot of ego strokes.”
He’s mean spirited, like he’s saying, You have the power in the world, but I won’t fuck you and there is nothing you can do about that.
“Part of the same game.”
Women blame themselves or another woman or think he is depressed. They’re not in on the game.
“Okay, he’s playing his game. It makes him feel like he’s in charge. How do I know what he’s doing? Men don’t talk about it. Can you imagine a guy bragging, ‘I don’t give her sex so I can be in charge? They’d take his guy card away. “
- THE CYBER DICK
His sex life is masturbating to cyberporn. He prefers the screen and his hand to the real live woman in his bed. He’s in a sexless marriage. The internet jerk-off is number one on many women’s Sex Enemy list. Some experts call it “addiction.”
Why would he rather do it alone with the computer screen than have real sex with a willing partner? I ask Zola. Women never get this. We would choose the guy in bed over a cyber image.
“They fantasize acting out the hard core stuff,” he says. “They can’t talk about it to their partners.
No. There’s seldom a good way to ask a woman if she’d accept double anal penetration as long as she got to choose both dicks. Oh, and yeah—you just want to watch.
“Hardcore is all about debasing women,” he says.
Casting woman as whore is thrilling to under-achieving men?
“Sometimes hardcore porn is women brutalizing other women,” Zola says “Maybe the guy watching wants to brutalize women, but feels guilty about wanting that. Having another woman do it gives him the arousal and the orgasm without the guilt.”
Go out there and find men like this to interview! I tell him. We’ve already got the Kink Provider story covered.
“It’s difficult to figure out what these new types are thinking because they don’t talk to anybody about it, not even to each other. She might be crying to her friends about no sex, but he’s silent.
“See? In their own way, these guys are the silent stoical John Wayne types.”
Men! I order another Mimosa. But we are not finished with this subject yet….Stay tuned.
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