A NEW CONVERSATION: A BLACK MAN TELLS ME WHY HE LOVES WHITE WOMEN--

 

 

 

  

 

I never understand how people can harbor so much anger and resentment about someone else’s sex life, but some do.  They foam at the mouth over same sex couples, interracial couples, cougars and their cubs, codgers and their girls, BDSM players--or just anyone who has more sex with more partners than they do or ever did. When you add race to sex—you may create a real witches’ brew.   The angry, resentful people don’t just have opinions; they’re ready to kill you over them.

 

 

There was quite a hullabaloo (a favorite word of Southern cousins and Indian friends) over The New York Press essay that I fear will define my career.  I wrote that I found black skin more attractive, more sensually appealing, than white—and more importantly, that the black men I’d known were generally better lovers than their white contemporaries at forty and beyond. (The Boy Toy, who is neither black nor white, isn't forty yet, but he says he will continue to amaze me even past his "sell by" date.:)

 

My thesis:  Middle-aged white guys lose their sexual mojo, but black men don’t.  (Read the first essay and the more nuanced conversation with Zola—including a mea culpa to black women—before you hurl tirades at me, Babes and Boys.) 

I cannot tell you how many women argued:  "You don't choose a man based on his skin color or his physical appearance; you look for what's inside."

Uh huh.  The initial attraction between a man and a woman is physical.  If a man can have a preference for blondes or curvy or skinny women, booties or long legs, young or older--why can't I have a preference for the tall, darker and handsome guy?

When I dashed off that piece five years ago, I never thought it would be alive on the web today, still bringing me some hate mail but more fan/love letters, from black men of all ages who got a kick out of reading my Valentine to them.  About half my Facebook friends are young black men. In fact, it led my new partner in conversation, Todd Wooten, to contact me.

 

Todd is an African American man married to a white woman for eighteen years and the father of three teens.  He’s a Chicago-area Fire Captain/Paramedic, former Marine (who saw combat duty in Beirut in the early 80s), former U.S. Army Ranger and former prison guard.  You don’t want to mess with Todd.   I’m glad he has my back.

A few weeks ago Todd asked if I would read the two volumes of his self-published book:  White Men Can’t Hump (As Good As Black Men, volume one and White Men Can't Hump (As Good As Black Men) volume two.  Controversial title?  His “mission” with the book is to “force a discussion on race in America.”  He calls it a “perceptions” book and writes at length about stereotypes and prejudices and the real experiences of black men in white society, including how that has or has not changed in his 46 years.  Can’t Hump is well-researched and thought-provoking, but too long.  (He tells us what black people really say about white people when we're not around; and that takes some time.) An introduction hints at the book I want him to write:  a memoir of growing up in his remarkable family, serving his country, firefighting—and his personal coming to terms with race in America. 

Todd and I have something in common:  Our use of provocative statements to elicit a dialogue.  Keep that in mind as you read.

 

ME:  Todd, I have a pile of emails from black men on why they love or like or do have or want to have sex with white women.  I plan to put them into a context and create an article.  (Then I want to hear from black women and white men on their own interracial fantasies and realities.)  Any thoughts on all this?

 

TODD:  Susan, I wish I could give you a straightforward answer, but the answer to your question can vary as much as human fingerprints.  There are several trends and factors that consistently come into play when examining black male/white female relationships.  Can I give you a few that come immediately to mind?

 

And the words poured out of him.  (Our next conversation, I promise, will be more traditionally Q/A.)  Many of you are going to take umbrage at some of his words, maybe all of them. Take a deep breath.  Send me your questions for Todd--and I'll add them to the ones I plan to ask him next week.

 

 

Here is what Todd had to say, uninterrupted, as an essay:

 

 

  

ATTITUDES

 

Black women carry a ton of attitude, and white women don’t. One could argue that white women don’t endure the double-whammy of racism and sexism, so therefore, have different life experiences. But the reason for the attitude is irrelevant, the bottom line is, many black men feel that black women are: too difficult, too demanding, and too selfish.

Black women buy into that “I’m a Nubian Princess” or “I’m a Black Queen” bullshit. So if a woman walks around like she’s a queen, and wants to be treated like a princess, but brings nothing to the relationship but sex and complaining, it becomes practical to seek sex elsewhere and discard the “complainer.”

Individual preference obviously plays a key role, but as we get older and wiser, our preferences can evolve, and, we also have the ability to adapt to our surroundings. I here from Bruthas all the time who espouse their love for “Black Nubian Goddesses” but they work in a predominantly white environment, and the ladies are giving them the eye. Now if you ain’t gettin’ nothin’ but headaches at home, and the forbidden fruit is now giving you the wandering-eye, it’s usually just a matter of time!  [He laughs.]

Personally, all of my relationships with black women were miserable failures. In my high school years I was routinely dismissed because I wasn’t popular and wasn’t an athlete. In my post-Marine Corps years, when I moved to Chicago, I was routinely dismissed because “I sound too white when I talk” and “I can’t be wit no man who works at a prison.” I think I’m fairly presentable, but many of the black women I came in contact with, even educated Sistas, preferred the “thug-type” or someone extremely successful (music exec, rapper, ballplayer, etc.). This left very little room for the “middle of the road guys,” like myself.

Strangely enough, the same women who showed early interest, but concluded I wasn’t their cup-of-tea, weren’t too happy when I started showing up at these same venues with a white woman on my arm. Suddenly I became desirable, but I concluded that I was desirable for all of the wrong reasons and I never took the bait.

I’ve never been hindered by the black female attitude because I’ve always been able to cross racial lines and attract white and Latino women. I love all women, but the truth is, there are differences in black and white women, and those differences can impact an individual’s personal preferences. Physical features immediately come to mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PHYSICAL FEATURES

Many black men are enamored with white women’s hair. If you grew up in a household with black women (sisters, mother, etc.), you became familiar with their hair texture. So the first time you make contact with long flowing white female hair, it can be intoxicating. You’ll find yourself lying in bed running your fingers through their hair and sometimes vice versa.

Smells! I’m not going to say white women have better hygiene habits—that would be ignorant—but I will say that white women always seem to smell good. They seem to make that extra effort, even if they’re just going to the grocery store or the gym or running errands. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve smelled perfume at the Post Office or grocery store, turned around, and seen a white woman in sweats with her hair pulled back in a ponytail. I don’t think they do it to get attention, because when you compliment them, they often seem genuinely surprised, as well as grateful (though some become nervous that a potential black rapist could be checkin’ them out). That little innocent compliment often opens up a mutual attraction.

MUTUAL ATTRACTION

Black men appreciate a woman who makes the extra effort to always look and smell good. White women are thrilled that their effort is “truly appreciated.”  It often goes unappreciated by White males, or at the least, is often taken for granted. I’ve seen white women melt when given the smallest of compliments, which tells you they’ve been neglected in that area. So when a black man swoops in, and the sex is good or maybe just different, the white woman feels wholly satisfied. Feeling satisfied emotionally and sexually for the first time can be overwhelming. White women then try to reciprocate that feeling with their mate, which brings us to the last factor, sex.

 

 

SEX

I’ve often been told that White women do things in bed that Black women wouldn’t do on their wedding night. I don’t want to get into the whole thing about “Black women don’t give head, or Black women don’t swallow, or Black women don’t do anal.” Many women of all races don’t partake in said activities, so some of these stereotypes are unfair, even if somewhat true. I’ve read Kinsey studies and many other polls, surveys and studies, which unequivocally state black women would rather receive oral sex than give it. That can be interpreted as selfishness, and given the fact that there’s currently a shortage of black men, if true, black women may want to do some soul-searching. The disproportionate incarceration rates, black-on-black crime, infant mortality rates, and HIV/AIDS, have created a reverse-China effect. (China currently suffers from a lack of women because of restrictions on family size). Black women are acutely aware of this imbalance because it plays a major role in the number of single mothers. Bruthaz are hittin’ and runnin’ because THEY CAN, period.

The shortage of black men has increased their dating options, and this has coincided with a more racially-tolerant, politically-correct, social landscape.

Many black men now find themselves as wanted commodities. They’re highly sought after by black and white women alike, and when the numbers are in your favor, why not enjoy? (Asian women still prefer white men because they were raised to believe that black is BAD, and Latino women are often raised to stick with their own).

I think the contrast in physical make-up adds to the attraction between black and white (the same could also apply to white men and black women). In my experiences, I’ve found it’s the little things that make the biggest difference. The contrast of big full lips overwhelming smaller thinner lips can be a major turn-on. Touching in places that have been neglected in the past can also be a major turn-on. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard white women say “No one has ever sucked my breast like that” or “No one has ever grabbed my ass during lovemaking like that.” [A hearty laugh.]

Sorry to go on and on, but there’s a lot more to this subject than meets the eye….

  

 

Yes Todd, there is. In our next conversation, I want you to explain the White Male Happy Meal—and also get your take on that common maxim:  Once you go black, you don’t go back.  And, of course, my black women friends already want to know:  What does your Mama have to say about all this, Brother?  and some white women friends ask:  Are you calling us "easy"?

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

Comments

[jc]

If you look at the picture posted at the beginning of this article I think it tells all. The attraction as a white woman that I have for a black man is the physical contrast of my white skin against his black body...when the two are intertwined there is nothing sexier

[Susan Crain Bakos]

I agree with you, Babe. It's hot! It looks just as hot when the woman is black and the man is white. The contrast is exciting.
Thanks for writing, SCB

[kaykay]

White men generally DON'T give compliments as readily as black men do, in my experience. I love that in general, black men will just come right out and say "Damn, you look hot!" while white men seem to feel they should wait until they've talked to my dady before they can let me know that they find me physically attractive. I spend a lot of time making sure I look good, and I LOVE having my efforts appreciated!

I am a full-lipped white woman, and there has been nothing as overwhlemingly wonderful as kissing another full-lipped person, and compared to many black men, most white guys don't have a chance. I love all kinds of men, but black men are particularly luscious in my opinion.

[Eli]

I'm a fair-skinned blonde-haired white guy, and I love dark skin, too. Maybe it's "opposites attract," maybe it's the contrast, I dunno, but I do like it a lot. Like you all, I also like full lips.

I can't really blame white women for preferring black men with dark skin, full lips, and hard bodies, because I'm attracted to women (whether it's black women, Latinas, or curvy brunettes) with the same qualities. Well, except for the big penis thing! LOL. I can do without that. :-)

[Susan Crain Bakos]

Thank you so much for writing. I want to interview white men who prefer darker women. Would you be interesed in answering some questions, anonymously, of course.

And re. penis size: Statistically the black penis is but a fraction of an inch longer than the white penis on average. That's a negligable difference. It's not about penis size.

Yes, for many of us, opposites do attract. I was never drawn to the blonde, blue-eyed white boys who turned carthweels for me when I was five years old. That's not a knock on you and other handsome white guys. I'm attracted to the different--just as you are.

[Sjo]

Although I've dated mostly black men & one Puerto rican, I have found some white men attractive. But in my opinion, you tend to date what you see on a daily basis. Where I am from & where I presently stay, I am surrounded by black & latinos. Now the white men that I've seen & caught staring, seem to be afraid to approach & like a woman, I like the chase! Now one white guy I went to college with, seemed to like me & even flirted & I returned the flirting, but he seemed scared.

Todd not all Black Women are angry, bitter & are drama filled! But I do want you to take in consideration that as you should know, a lot of Black Women grow up without a Father and/or neither parents & that can take a toll on the BW. Let's us not put us down because the feelings some of us harbor. Just as white woman love the small compliments, BW and any other race of women do too. Its not a race thing, its a Woman thing! Right Ladies????

Instead of saying we are drama-filled, how about saying the black woman needs healing & support. In any relationship we involve ourselves in & it wasn't a good one, we have to take responsibility for our bad judgement instead of blaming it on Race. Just as you had bad relationships with some BW, it couldve easily been the other way around. What would you have said if a white women wouldve had the same issues as you indicated about BW? How would you talk about it?

In conclusion: Congrats on maintaining ur marriage for that long because Love no matter the color of the other is a Beautiful thing.

Love is colorblind...

SjoThePoet

[specialk]

Understanding why we're attracted to some and not to others is often a mystery. I've always been attracted to black people, and maybe it is because I'm a green-eyed, blonde, white woman. Growing up I was into Soul Train instead of American Bandstand. LOL. Preferred the few black comedy programs to the way too many white ones. Always wanted to date black boys in college only to be told, "Don't you dare." Most white boys weren't attracted to me, but the black boys couldn't get enough. Married a white man and yet my attraction continued. My first experience with a black man was incredible. I was enamored with the color of his skin, full lips, tall stature, butt, smile, sparkly eyes, broad nose, large hands, the cologne he wore, his classy sense of style with his expensive suits and shoes, and his intellect. We definitely made a beautiful couple in and out of the bedroom. I've had only one relationship with a white man since, and it lasted a mere six months. I won't say I'll never date another white man, but black men are what I desire.

[specialk]

I am a huge fan of Todd Wooten's White Men Can't Hump (as good as black men). This book has a wealth of information, intertwined with personal experiences and humor, exhibiting every emotion, while providing undeniable, hard-core facts. I have recommended the book to men and women of all races, and I get the same reaction every time. Black men think it's a book that puts them on the highest pedestal, White men believe Todd's saying they're inadequate in the bedroom, some White women think it's a '"how to" book because Black men do it right everytime,' the other White women think the book is "disgusting," and Black women think the book is promoting promiscuity. Their beliefs and opinions are based off assumptions from the title alone because none of them have cracked open the pages of the book. Reading the book will give you an education you will never get in a classroom. Read the book and come up with your own opinion.

[Susan Crain Bakos]

Thanks for writing.
You make a good point: Todd's book does have a wealth of information. It's not just about sex. The title is provocative; and that's a good thing.

I am a fan of Todd's too.

[Susan Crain Bakos]

I love you, SJo! Thanks so much for sharing your opinion with us. You raise some valid points. I will ask Todd to address them.

[ToddW]

Todd Wooten: This comment is in response to the comment left by SjoThePoet.

SjoThePoet: Todd not all Black Women are angry, bitter & are drama filled! But I do want you to take in consideration that as you should know, a lot of Black Women grow up without a Father and/or neither parents & that can take a toll on the BW. Let's us not put us down because the feelings some of us harbor.

Todd Wooten: I know ALL Black women are NOT angry. I have three sisters, a mother, and a hundred aunts, so I’d be beyond ignorant to say that…I’d also be suicidal, LOL! In my dating experiences I was rejected by Black women. I wasn’t good enough, period. I’m sure I could’ve continued my search, but at the age of 28 I met someone who found me acceptable. It just so happens she was White. I realize Black women go through a ton of crap, and I mentioned the double-whammy of sexism and racism in Susan’s initial blog. As I stated before, there are no absolutes. We’re a nation of millions, a planet of billions, and our experiences differ beyond trillions.

Todd Wooten (cont.): I know the fractured home lives in the Black community have a profound impact on children. Not having a father, or a father figure, can adversely affect girls every bit as much as boys. Just watch an episode of Maury Povich; every time they show one of these out-of-control 14 year old girls, there’s never a father on stage, only an overwhelmed mother. That said, when you’re on the dating circuit, you don’t have time to play Dr. Phil. You’re asking Black men to be sympathetic towards a group of proud women who would probably take offense to that, even if it was truly needed. Hell, there’s a lot of Sistas who’d consider sympathy, or even empathy for that matter, a sign of weakness.

SjoThePoet: Just as white woman love the small compliments, BW and any other race of women do too. Its not a race thing, its a Woman thing! Right Ladies????

Todd Wooten: I’m sure there are millions of Black women who love small compliments, maybe one day McDonalds will find some and hire them. The girls at the McDonalds I used to go to for coffee didn’t believe in accepting compliments, they wouldn’t even acknowledge a simple "Good Morning" or “Thank You.”

SjoThePoet: Instead of saying we are drama-filled, how about saying the black woman needs healing & support. In any relationship we involve ourselves in & it wasn't a good one, we have to take responsibility for our bad judgement instead of blaming it on Race. Just as you had bad relationships with some BW, it couldve easily been the other way around. What would you have said if a white women wouldve had the same issues as you indicated about BW? How would you talk about it?

Todd Wooten: I’ve had just as many failed relationships with White women, but always for a completely different reason. Many of my relationships with White females ended because they reached the proverbial fork in the road and had to make a decision: Do I go forward with this Black man and risk losing my friends, family, job, scholarship, car, apartment, house, etc., or, do I find a nice way to end this relationship and never make this mistake again. On the surface, yes, it appears to be the same thing; rejected because these women, both Black and White, were looking for something, or someone, different than myself. But the difference is, I expected this behavior from White women because they were battling society as a whole, what exactly were Black women battling…themselves?

SjoThePoet: In conclusion: Congrats on maintaining ur marriage for that long because Love no matter the color of the other is a Beautiful thing. Love is colorblind...SjoThePoet

Todd Wooten: We’re in total agreement on this one :)