Photo Credit: "Color" on Photobucket
I had an interesting conversation about the new sexuality in the city the other night with Richard Anton Diaz of Sexy Spirits, Palagia, founder of One Leg Up and some friends.
What is the new sexuality?
Women are in the midst of our own private sexual revolution. Bi-Girls rule the downtown scene and prevail at sex clubs and sex parties where the single female is sought after by many couples. Cougars are on the prowl; and we are thought to be sexy and sophisticated while older guys after Kittens are old guys chasing young girls. Women have amazing new sex toys, including vibes so beautiful, they are object d'art.
Yet Palagia sounded a dissenting note when she said, "The female fantasy is not girl-on-girl. Women admit to me that they fantasize having two guys but do it with another girl to please their men."
I don't think all bisexual women are doing it to please men. For years, swingers have been telling me that the bisexual wife calls the shots--and that women who aren't bisexual usually aren't enthusiastic about swing parties. Moreover, girls tell me that they like playing with other girls--OR go there in their disappointment with boyfriends, not to please them.
(Palagia also said that, in her thirties, she is now "tired of teaching men" and understands why so many women give up on them, at least for a while.)
Here is a common scenario: Two twentysomething editors I know, roommates, fell into one another's drunken arms one night, after weeping/commiserating over their failed relationships. They had sex, declared themselves lesbians, were advertising for "a boy to join us in a threesome" on craigslist within three months. They told me about their need for cock in a crowded, noisy bar one night.
"Why do we want cock?" and "Why do we need cock?" they kept asking me. "We love each other! We're happy together! Why do we want cock?"
I answered loudly: "Because cocks are so much fun to play with!" The bar grew silent; our drinks were free the rest of the night.
In another three months, the girls were iving in separate countries. One is in a relationship with a man; the other has remained happily on the Sapphic path.
I don't think bisexual behavior in women is all about pleasing the guy. But what do the rest of you think?
By the way, I read on Page Six in The New York Post today that Lindsey Lohan and her GF Samantha Ronson are fighting. Rumors have her "going straight back to guys" if the two split. Now what do you think about that?
The other part of the new sexuality, the evolution of men--we'll discuss another day.
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Bi women rule. At all the Poly events I have been to the women are def Bi and are calling the shots. The men with women there are arm candy.
Posted by: steven otero | November 21, 2008 at 04:36 PM
I love it! Men can now be described as "arm candy" too. Thanks for your comment....very insightful.
Posted by: Susan Crain Bakos | November 22, 2008 at 06:56 AM
I agree: bisexual behavior in women is not all about pleasing the guy. From my experience, as the invited second female into a straight relationship (at least a couple times), the wife or girlfriend calls the shots. She declares the rules (best if the couple communicates well before this adventure starts); she's the one who wants to try a new experience (and, of course the hubby/beau is all for it). I do know of a woman who allowed a second female into the scene because her boyfriend wanted the fun...but it didn't turn out to be a party for her. Personally, I wouldn't join in unless it was the gal's strong desire. Yes, there are certainly "straight" women in relationships out there who are bi-curous and not afraid to make the moves when they know there's a prospective respectful, open-minded and attractive female in the room. In fact, often times, they only allow their fellas to watch...
Posted by: Lioness | November 23, 2008 at 08:46 PM
Thanks for writing! I've had a lot of emails from bisexual women who agree with you. Some told me that they found Palagia's comment "insulting" because it diminished their sexuality to something that's only all about men. I know she didn't meant to insult anyone. Palagis is a great champion of female sexual empowerment. She was merely reporting what some women who attend her erotic parties told her: they want a guy/guy/girl threesome. Male bisexuality is not as socially desirable as female sexuality; and that is a fair subject to address.
Posted by: Susan Crain Bakos | November 24, 2008 at 06:09 AM
I am open about being Bi with people I know, but very private about it otherwise, and the reason is because it's the kink du jour. Attention whores kiss each other in clubs every night of the week and Katy Perry sings about it and teenagers think it's cool.
I don't have sex with other women because it's cool. I do it because I'm drawn to do it and I love it. I love the taste of them, the feel of them and the way they touch. I love their small, delicate hands and soft, smooth skin.
I also love the strong hard paws of a man. I love a good penis, a hairy chest and the deep masculine smell of a man and getting fucked so hard I can't breathe.
I have threesomes, but I tend to feel territorial about the other girl. I want her to myself, at least at first. I want to get to know her body before I share it with a man who will most likely not appreciate her in the same way I do. Which isn't bad, it's just the difference between a man and sex and me and sex.
I'm not insulted by Palagia's comments - I feel bad for the women with whom she's spoken who aren't getting what they want and doing what they don't really want to do.
Posted by: kaykay | February 25, 2009 at 11:07 AM