SexyPrime, a blog by Susan Crain Bakos

What's Happened To Male Sexuality?

Palagia and I had another wide-ranging and fascinating conversation on the terrace of her Chelsea apartment this afternoon.  The creator and CEO of One Leg Up, a floating erotic country club which has been staging elaborate fantasy parties for a decade--Palagia is an astute observer of the sexual/cultural scene.  I asked if the economic crisis was impacting her business.

"No!  I had an eat-in soiree at the end of last week, crash week; and it was packed.  People need a little economic pleasure in times like these."

Our burning question today:  What's happened to male sexuality?

SCB:  The significant changes in sexual behavior in the past decade have been led by women.  We have already agreed on the major trends: 

• The rise of the Cougar [older woman/younger man];

• Bi-Girls [young heterosexual women who play with girls too];

• His porn/her sex toys ["In the latest sexual revolution, men got internet porn and we got better vibes," Lori Perkins, literary agent and author.]

• The mainstreaming of "kink"

• The New Monogamy ["cheating" with mutual consent through polyamory, group sex, consensual affairs, swinging]

What do you see most often in your work?

PALAGIA:  What I hear most often from couples is:  "Where can we find a girl?"  Couples are looking for the threesome with a bi girl.  I don't hear, "Where can I find a boy?"  Are there no couples who want a threesome with a boy?  Whatever happened to the androgyny of the Seventies?

SCB:  Good question!  The New York Dolls, David Bowie, Mick Jagger--all androgynous boys of that decade.  Male bisexuality was celebrated, but women were supposed to choose sides.  You were a lesbian or you were straight.  The feminist power structure was fairly strict on that point.  Bisexual women were in the closet just as bisexual men are on the "down low" today.

PALAGIA:  Now girls feel pressured to be bi.  Boys think there is something wrong with a guy in his twenties who hasn't had a threesome with two women.  The culture is selling female bisexuality.  Have you seen the big Remy Martin billboard?  Two smiling sexy girls appear to be tipsy; one is grabbing the necklace of the other.  The caption reads:  "Things are getting interesting." How suggestive is that?  Girl-on-girl is the fantasy America is promoting now.

SCB:  How appropriate to link it with alcohol--since sex is largely fueled by alcohol in this country.

PALAGIA:  I have a rule against excessive drinking at my events.  I want people to enjoy their sensuality and spin their fantasies with a clear mind. 

SCB:  Speaking of fantasies, you said before that you were able to stage more elaborate fantasies in the early days of One Leg Up than you can now.  Why is that?

PALAGIA:  Kink is more mainstream now than it was a decade ago, but people are still conservative.  They are "open" to what they find acceptable like female bisexuality and spanking, but closed to what they don't, especially male bisexuality.  I invited a gay couple to the last party; and people kept whispering to me, "they're gay."  Some thought having them there was great; others were discomforted by their presence.  In the early years, I had a real mix of people at events:  gay, straight, bi, trannies.

SCB:  Do you think fear of HIV-AIDS has played a role in that dynamic?

PALAGIA:  To some extent, but it's more than that. Women seem to be in charge sexually.  One of the gay boys commented on how the women's sexual energy drove the event. 

SCB:  That makes sense.  Women are the gender writing widely about sexuality; women talk about sex to their friends; women are pushing the boundaries. Men seem to have retreated into porn.

PALAGIA:  Women have only had a gateway for exploring their sexuality for the past decade or so.  Men always had access to deviant, underground sexual retreats.  What will happen to female sexuality in the next fifty years?

SCB:  Hmmm....maybe we will retreat into our own vibe world.

PALAGIA (laughing):  Maybe.  But I think women crave physical and emotional connection more than men do.  Porn has done men a real disservice.  They think the fantasy of porn should be the reality of sex.  I've been with men who use so much porn that they can't come with a woman.

SCB:  Yes, I've heard that from other women--and men have confessed it to me.  We must keep talking about this subject.  What has happened to male sexuality?  Guys out there, will you weigh in on that question for us?

A Puma Makes Her Case For Being "Prime": A Reader Writing In Bra

Today's Reader in Bra, Writing About Sex isn't exactly wearing a bra, but it's close--and great photo.

I dispute some of Bridget's points, however.  One, the concept of a woman's sexual peak being in her thirties is dated--and limiting.  Every age is prime.  Babes in their 20s or 40s or 50s are having great sex.  Two, many Cougars do not pick up the check.  I don't.  I date boys with money.  Three, most Kittens are more complex and interesting than Bridget makes them out to be.  And, finally, Four:  Your erotic options are not as narrow as you think they are.

So, Bridg....love the writing, but had to challenge your stereotypical Old Girl thinking.  Babes, weigh in on the Sexy Age controversy.  I'd love to hear your opinions.

Here's Bridgett:

 

The life of the puma or the life of a puma...

I learned a new term yesterday. Puma. The abyss between kitten and cougar.  Nowadays cougar's are grabbing all the attention. These ladies, 40 plus, who have had the family, the career, and thanks to the marvels of modern medicine..ahem, non-invasive enhancements, are back on the prowl.  The general theory is that these women have money, perhaps from a successful career, perhaps from a successful divorce. These women have no problem taking a young sexy guy home after paying for his Stella’s at the bar.

Then, of course, there are the kittens. Twenty-something year olds who are just embarking on career and possibly (depending on their geography) families. Young chicks who after the experimentation in college, are ready to move into a more normal relationship. They can find love with a nice guy and start out together.  Some girls can “cash in” on their youth, so to speak and reap the benefits of being arm candy for someone more successful, and probably, quite a bit older.

What about the girl who has come upon her early 30’s, has never been married, perhaps has had a couple long-term relationships  previously, and is still living paycheck to paycheck? She is not the kitten bright eyed and brazilian waxed; nor is she the cougar successful, in charge,  and running the show.

The worst part of the puma’s predicament is the fact that she is ramping up on her sexual peak & if she is not in a relationship, and getting “it” regularly; instead of it being a wonderful time of sexual empowerment, she feels second in command to the higher power of her hormones.

I suffer this personally! There are sleepless nights when I’m actually aching (Advil does nothing for the pressure down there) and days when I’m walking blindly into traffic because my eyes are trapped on some beautiful young guy ahead of me.  I am in two places at once. I want a great fuck with a young man who has “skin like butter”. And, at the same time I would like to fall in love again. Move into a “real” relationship, and possibly have a family.  So when I meet some “hot young thing” and after I’ve dragged him into bed, to fulfill my needs, I can still be hurt by the fact that I have set up this relationship in such a way that it is strictly sex and he isn’t dying to “date” me.  Although I am 32, I still feel like a girl in so many ways. I still crave romance and dream of finding my perfect guy. I am caught in the midst of two worlds, being pulled between two desires that, it seems, cannot live in harmony...Your 30’s are supposed to be the sexual highlight of a young woman’s life, and for some women, this may be.  But, for myself, sometimes I wish I could just remove my vagina, throw it in a box and store it safely in my cupboard (where I'm beyond it’s control), until my mind and heart actually fall for someone.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

Tales From The Kama Sutra--A BOOK PICK

Most books based on the Kama Sutra focus on sexual technique, mainly of intercourse positions.   The Mammoth Book of the Kama Sutra, edited by Maxun Jakubowski, features erotic stories from the ancient writings as retold and re-imagined by modern writers. 

My favorite story in the collection is "The Tale of the Legend of the Cobra" (on page 446) as told by Robyn Alezanders.  Here is a tiny amuse bouche to whet your appetite for more:

"As only an attentive courtesan can incite, her body bent beneath his hands, and each was shocked into the greater tactile sensations.  He lavishly devoted himself to every part of her, his fingers leading his mouth to envelope inches below and above her waist, keeping her dripping.  He chose a long voluminous sapphire feather from the treasure trove that was bestowed upon the snakes, and told her to show him how to move.  Kneeling nude save for her jewelry, she imagined the plume as his tongue, as the snake's, trailing from her ears to deep into the delicious swirl between her breasts, and then across her buttocks, back and forth, back and forth..."

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

Nothing Under The Letter "L", Part 3 (Plus A Digression on Old Men): IT'S REBECCA FRIDAY

Before Rebecca finishes her story of the one night with a lesbian lover--she confesses her preference for older men.  She writes so well that even a Cougar might be inspired to take another look at older guys.  (Well, not necessarily this Cougar....but some others.)

The last two paragraphs pose some questions for intellectual discussion on the conundrum that is a sexual feminist.  Rebecca is outspoken against the patriarchy, yet prefers older white male lovers (and, honey, that group IS the patriarchy.)  I consider myself a feminist but I love a hard-thrusting dominant man.  As women, we are all reconciling our sexuality with our feminism in our own way every day.  We would love to hear from you on that.

Here is Rebecca:

We have the Cougar Chronicles on this blog, cool--but what about those of us who chase old men?  I love the kind-of-sorta oldies. I now am focused on the ones that are only slightly chipped with character.

I have eliminated “the irregulars”; these men are like that t-shirt in the discount bin of the department store. There is some manufacturer's defect or perhaps they were damaged with frequent handling. It has forced them to be life’s odd fit. Over time if a suitable purpose for these men has not been found, they just become increasing unappealing, a troglodyte if you will.

 There are fantastic old men out there; with style of the Hemingway, Steven McQueen kind. They have been dads, husbands, friends, lovers, but I find I can speak to the man, the man that the others have forgotten about. 

 In short, I am easy; I like style, finesse, and discernment, so it trumps all the usual general market bullshit.   A mix of the new shit and some old shit, as they say. This male style mix often comes in the weathered, worn packages of a man with life experience.

 These men are not about being the best in bed but about being themselves. It is a slow ride sexually. I get to appreciate the view without the benefit of the “blue” pill

In a beachfront hovel, I discovered how fantastic an old man could be. I got to that moment via some old school terminology.  He asked to kiss my pussy.  The phrase curled off his tongue and was spoken with a salacious grin. Well it gets me right there …

The tunes, a combination of rare David Bowie acoustic CD and some Joni Mitchell. This is the soundtrack of the last few hours of summer with the waves crashing against the shore. His beard ultimately smelled of pussy, weed and vanilla soap.  He said I tasted like Peanut butter chocolate ice cream. Hands down the best compliment I ever had.  We shared the wonderful combination of laughter and sex on the last weekend of summer.

 Oh, yeah, I was on this diatribe about my sexual exploits with a woman.  Well, boys, while you concentrate on bigger faster and harder, women still have you trumped. The orgasms, the food coma makes the memory of that night with a woman all a little fuzzy. But other than that, it is a good file.

I have never heard a lesbian sing a song about kissing a boy and liking it. They probably did it once, moved on. There nothing-here folks …so I am keeping it moving.

 The real conversation was what do we as woman know about each other without the definition of men. There is one school of thought by, Charlotte Bunch in her 1972 article “Lesbians in Revolt”. Bunch argued that "lesbianism threatens male supremacy at its core," not because women were having sex together, but because they withdrew their energies from men. Bunch and others were influenced by other anti-oppression struggles, and believed the downfall of male supremacy would lead to the “collapse of racism, capitalism, and imperialism.”

 My conversation is about how women define themselves without the masculine template. I live in a small version of that world. Times have changed. A woman is a vice presidential nominee; gay woman marry and have children together.

 The sensibility, the politics of this country, still remains a decidedly patriarchal one. Why should women be expected to live a life determined by the patriarchy? I experienced that realization in my brief Sapphic moment. So the file isn’t closed; it is just more enlightened.

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

The Orgasm Loop On Lemondrop.com

Writer Sadie Fay tested The Orgasm Loop and reported her results on lemondrop.com:

http://www.lemondrop.com/2008/09/24/the-orgasm-loop-self-help-that-really-helps/

It worked for Sadie--and trust me, Babes, it will work for you too.  If you have difficulty reaching orgasm or don't have as many orgasms as you want to have, this technique will get you where you want to go, every time.

Read Sadie's report--and try the O Loop yourself!
 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

How Drunk Do You Have To Be For "Ugly" Sex?--and Other Sex Survey Questions

Sex Health Guru is running the largest internet sex survey ever conducted--an ongoing project with 1.2 million responses to date.  According to Joshua Silberstein, CEO of the company, "research has yielded some surprising results" including these bits:

 

• Random Unprotected Sex: 43% of men and 40% of women admitted having unprotected sex with a stranger
• Condom Failure:  22.5% of men and 17.5% of women had a condom break during sex
• Alcohol and Sex: 31% of men and 33% of women said that in some circumstances they needed to get drunk to have sex – to manage anxiety, so they’d have an excuse, or, for  men at least, to make it easier to have sex with someone “ugly”
• Orgasms: 1.2% of men and 4.9% of women said they could not orgasm, while 2.1% of men and 12.1% of women said they could only orgasm “rarely”

All of the data generated is publicly available to participants, who, after responding to each question, can see statistics on everyone’s answers.  And the Sex Health Guru survey is an open research tool; researchers and journalists are encouraged to suggest new questions to be added to the survey.

Should we do our own on-going SexyPrime survey?  And what are the questions you want answered?

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

Can An L.A. Girl Get Her Lip On In NYC?--A Reader Writing In Bra

J is our second Reader Wearing Bra, Writing About Sex.  I met her shortly after her arrival in New York City from L.A.  She is an interesting young woman and a good writer.  I am pleased to introduce her to you.  Here is her story:

 

 

As my 23rd birthday rapidly approaches, I'm adjusting to life as an adult and the changes that come along with the territory. I graduated last June from college in San Diego, moved cross country to Brooklyn and got my first full-time job, thankfully just before my parents cut me off financially. But of all the things to stress me out, the small and (somewhat) discrete lip piercing I've had for the past four years is proving the most personally tumultuous.

Don't get me wrong; I love my lip ring. My asymmetrical face and constant plaything have come to represent me and make me stand out from the crowd. But more and more, the thought of my lip ring coming off juvenile and costing me work crosses my mind. Even worse, in a city of suits instead of surfers, I am starting to think there's a real chance my piercing might interfere with finding lovers.

 In college, the sliver of metal in the corner of my smile worked more like a magnet than the caution sign I fear it is now. I first experienced its power when the newly done piercing helped me break an unplanned year-long dry spell.

"Did that hurt?" the soon-to-be-lover asked, touching his lip where a piercing would be with eyes fixated on my mouth.

 "Oh, not at all," I responded automatically. "It's a soft part of your body so the needle goes through easily. Even if the piercing did hurt, it's just too fun to pass up."

 "Cool," the boy said, nodding his head with feigned understanding, still entranced by my lips.

 Seeing my chance to break this nearly unbearable year of celibacy, I played with the snug horseshoe-shaped jewelry and asked coyly, "Have you ever made out with anyone with a lip piercing?" The boy admitted he had not with a sheepish grin.

 "Well you should come home with me so you can find out just how much fun it is," I said confidently.

 Later, after a car ride filled with wandering hands, a shared shower to "conserve water," my first successful 69 and the subsequent amazing sex, he admitted that my lip ring was a lot of fun.

He was not alone in asking about its secrets with hopes of finding out for himself. Plenty of people comment about the piercing, and they are the same ones who tend to first kiss me on that side of my mouth, eager to see what a curved piece of metal adds to the familiar action of kissing.

Foreigners from cities where piercings are less common flock to me like I am an American destination not to be missed. I would estimate that about half of my sexual experiences in the past four years have been aided, if not reliant, on my lip bling.

Then why the change of heart you ask? Because on my last lover — my first man instead of boy and more like the males I'm meeting in New York--the power of my shiny friend didn't work. In fact, my piercing seemed to nearly be a deal breaker. His disdain planted a seed of doubt in my head that this marriage of lip and metal wasn't made to last.

 The scene unfolded with the two of us relaxing after a particularly satisfying romp. Somewhere between the post coitus groping and cuddling, he abruptly asked me when I was going to take "that thing" out of my face. Protesting weakly that I liked it, he argued that it was just like having a "big trashy tattoo spelling out your last name on your chest." Shocked by this comment coming from someone who told me I had a beautiful smile anytime he had the chance, I started to reevaluate the state of my piercing.

I've started to be more aware of this thin piece of metal and its status as a foreign object in my face. My lip has inexplicably become sensitive like when I first had it pierced. I am by no means one to change something about myself – especially something I love – for a man, but perhaps in this time of drastic changes it is time for the "thing" to go. I have an appointment at Bumble and Bumble to cut off my hair that hasn't been cut in two years. I went to Zara and spent a ludicrous amount of money chic-ing my wardrobe. With all these changes (some would even say improvements), is there still room in my New York City life for an old California style?

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

 

 

 

Bill Maher: "Bring Back A Little Pubic Hair!"

Bill Maher closes his HBO weekly show, "Real Time With Bill Mahr" with the segment, "New Rules."

One of this week's new rules:

"Bring back a little pubic hair!  ... Can't we have a middle ground between toddler smooth and 'Dr. Livingston, I presume?'"

Your Inner Vagina Could Be An Object d' Art!

Back in the wild and crazy days of rock'n'roll, some girls became a little bit famous for making penis casts--of their one-night-stand rock star lovers.  (In our time, my pal Cheryl Means, inventor of Talking Head is a partner in Clone-a-Willie, kits that can turn any penis into a piece of chocolate.)  Yet the penis has been less objectified in art than the breast or vagina.

What is even less objectified in art than the mighty dick?

Your inner pussy.

Sculpture, "The Spice of Life" by Jamie McCartney

Inspired by a doctor who makes vaginal molds as part of her research into ethnic differences, the Brit artist Jamie McCarthy is offering an "internal pussy casting service."  (FYI:  I read about this on sexblo.gs, a fun and informative on-line sex newsletter that is one of my daily necessities.)   How does that work?

He prefers the model feel "relaxed and sexy."  Then he inserts "goo which sets into rubber in a few minutes."  The results, he says, are "amazing"--with one cast looking like a "weird sea creature."

"It's a real eye-opener to see how  large a vagina can expand," he says.  "I tell you, boys, it makes your cock seem ridiculous!"

The molds are transformed into a polished acrylic or glass bust  One of the pieces is on permanent display at The Kinsey Institute for Sex Research.   Jamie  studied in the U. S. and his work has been shown here.  Visit the website.  He is doing some amazing erotic art, including sculptures.

And take a moment to appreciate your inner pussy.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

Nothing Under "L", Part 2

Rebecca is a big tease in part two!  A lot of philosophy and not much action.  So.  Rebecca, will you tell us next week:  Who did what to whom?  And how?  Did a big dildo make an appearance?

Here's Rebecca:

When I am writing, I buy my pint of Haagen Daz. It will sit in the sink until it melts.  It is the one thing that is much better soft.

Where were we?  Calm in the face of diversity. I started thinking really hard and saying over and over in my head:  Gina Gershon, Jennifer Tilly, Gina Gershon, Jennifer Tilly, Gina Gershon, and Jennifer Tilly

 My "Sexual Rolodex" came up empty under L. I was being undressed by a woman, kissed by a woman, felt up by a woman.  I was in quite a conundrum because sex was to be had, a dinner had been purchased for me. The two courses and the dessert sealed the deal.

I did not have any lesbian sexual references. “Bound” ( Gina Gershon, Jennifer Tilly) was a good movie, made by a man. Lesbians always seem to be spectator sport for men in contemporary porn.  All of my conversations about Lesbians were from a male perspective.  Every man I have meet thinks lesbian sex is hot. This is not exactly enlightening.

What did I know about lesbian sex? As a child I dressed in jeans and white t-shirts. A “tomboy” so people accused me of being gay. If I spurned someone’s attention, I was gay. For that matter if I walked down the street with my mother holding hands, we were gay.  I thought those boys and men were just stupid.

In general, I just never got it. The switch that discerned homosexual attraction never flipped for me. I grew up middle class poor in a black neighbor hood. There were tons of woman who were “masculine” in their dress, their manner or both.  These strong people were single working mothers. The dress and the manner was simply a means of getting things done. To my knowledge I never had any dealings with gay women.

My family never talked about it. By that I mean there was never a derogatory comment made, that I could remember. The ladies had their friends and we didn’t tell tales.

But I knew trannies, I knew gay men, I didn’t know any lesbians. It seems that gay woman are either shy or they were truly underground. But what was the reason?  Weren’t lesbians the ultimate feminist icon?

What the fuck?

Now I am in the throes of this sexual encounter so I had to get back to the matter at hand—sex with this pretty fantastic woman. I now had something in common with men.  I knew nothing!  I did what any woman would do, what any man should do.  I let her run the show.

So, folks, while I remained calm in the face of diversity, I was having sex with the feminist icon, a lesbian. I also re-examined my Sexual Rolodex.  I found a file I hadn’t had a chance to discard. D for Dildo. 

My ice cream is nice and soft…till next week.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime