SexyPrime, a blog by Susan Crain Bakos

Take Charge of His Orgasm

Photo Credit:  "Linda on Top" on Photobucket

 

Men like to think that they "give" us orgasms, but they rarely do.  (We claim our own.)  Women, on the other hand, can effectively influence male orgasm.

The trajectory of male arousal to orgasm is more straightforward than ours but it's a line that we can shorten or lengthen for them if we have a strong PC muscle and know what we're doing.  We can also intensify his orgasm in easy ways.

This is one technique from THE SEX BIBLE FOR WOMEN:

Make a dramatic pause just as he is about to come.  If he's on top, grab his buttocks at the moment of orgasm, use your PC to pull him in deeper--and the pinch or bite his nipple at the moment of his orgasm.  Make eye contact with him as you're doing it.

You can be in charge, Babe, no matter who is on top.

Don't forget to qualify for the give-away of two copies of The Sex Bible for Women by sending your answer to one of the questions:  What was your best orgasm?  or What is your biggest sex secret? by July 4!

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

You Will Do Me Right!--And LOVE Doing It!

Photo Credit:  "Rose" by Keefers on Photobucket

 

Why do some people choose marriage partners who are also their sexual matches--while others are frustrated and dissatisfied with married sex and ask the sexpert they meet in bars:  How can I get him (or her) to give me what I want in bed--and do it with enthusiasm?

Yesterday I went downtown to meet some girls at my hang-out bar Primehouse on 27th and Park Avenue where the young and beautiful people do gather, especially on Thursday nights. Stunning blonde Julie, 33, complained about her lack of a love life.  Her two married friends, pretty and lively brunettes, complained about the lack in their love lives and wanted to know:  How can I get him to perform cunnilingus more often--and love doing it?

For the past 25 years, I've been getting that general question:  How do I get my partner to do [fill in the blank]--and love doing it?

When I wrote for Penthouse Forum in the late 80s, early 90s, the men wanted to know how to get their wives "into" blow jobs, anal sex, new positions.  (Ah, the innocence of the times!)  As the years went by, women asked the question as often as men and the fill-in-the-blank was typically cunnilingus.  Many, so many, magazine articles have been written with advice on how to get what you want in bed.  (I've even written a few myself.)

But here is the real truth:  You can get her to suck your dick or him to eat your pussy--but you cannot make her or him love doing it.

In an ongoing monogamous (or mostly so) relationship, you can negotiate almost anything.  Quid pro quo sex is dependent on each partner meeting the needs of the other with some degree of regularity and even enthusiasm, feigned or real.  Witness the popularity of Dr. Ian Kerner's books:  She Comes First and He Comes Next.  I do love Ian.  He's young and cute and has made the best ever case for men going down on women.  But he is all about quid pro quo sex.  She comes so you can.  You give to get.

I said to the pretty brunettes:  "Babes, you either love eating pussy or you don't.  It's like sucking dick.  Some of us love it.  And I do love it.  Others don't."

There's no substitute for the real thing:  passion for the parts.

The conversation moved from the specific--the sex act they're not getting--to the general--the thrill that is gone.

After suggesting that they might discreetly get elsewhere what they're not getting so well at home, I asked, "Was the sex good when you got married?"

One woman acknowledged that it was not.  I hear this a lot from young and dissatisfied spouses, both husbands and wives.  Men say:  There are girls you fuck and women you marry.  Women say:  There are boys for fun; and men for marriage.  I call it the "Hook-up/Button Up" Syndrome in women.  She hooks up for sex, but if he is marriage material, she buttons up, playing proper for the first few dates and lying about her numbers.  In our sexually repressed Puritanical culture, that makes a weird kind of sense--BUT!

The ones you fuck and the ones you marry--Really?  I don't think so.  Marriage is damned hard.  If you don't go into it with sexual passion for one another, I don't know how you can stand each other a few years in.  Remember the 20/80 rule:  Sex is 20% of a relationship--unless the sex is bad; then it's 80%.

Men who love getting their dicks sucked have traditionally married women who stop sucking them shortly after the wedding.  There's a lot we can learn about sex from men.  But this is not one of those things.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

We're Giving Away Two Copies of THE SEX BIBLE FOR WOMEN!

Babes, I promised you we would start giving away books once the blog began picking up traffic.  It has.  So you have a chance to win a book when we randomly draw two entries on July 4.  (But you can only enter once.)  Answer one of the following questions:

1.  What's the best orgasm you ever had?
Details!  I want details.  Were you alone or with a man or a woman (or more than one partner?)  Was it one big orgasm or multiples?  Exactly how did it feel?  What made it so memorable?

2.  What is your biggest sex secret?
We all have them.  The fantasy we are ashamed to share.   The real number of partners we've had.  Who we lust after in our hearts.  What is yours?

You can write as long or as short as you like.  Your privacy will be protected.  I don't have to give out real names.  That can be between you and me on email.  But do post your entries to the blog.

Pick a question and maybe you will get a free book!  I can't wait to read your entries.

The Sex Was Great; He Disappears; What Happened?

Photo Credit:  "Poppies" by Keefers on Photobucket 
 

I was mulling over how to tell some inquiring girls the answer to that question--He never meant not to disappear--at Primehouse bar last night when I got into a conversation with a neighborhood regular. Brad, 33, divorced, no kids, is financially solvent, with youthful boy-next-door good looks, loves his Mommy--everything so many nice Gramercy Park girls want in a man.  I call him The Man Who Loves Pussy.  When Brad isn't making money or stratagizing how to make money, he is "chasing pussy."  He certainly never plans not to disappear.

Brad is continually after the ultimate  sexual experience which he defines as:  "You threw it all against the wall and you connected and it was great.  You lie there feeling like she is the girl for the rest of your life.  And it doesn't even matter if you don't feel the same way the next day."

Babes, you ask why you don't hear from a guy after great sex?  Keep reading.  (And who better to explain the elusive man than the elusive woman?)

"You've got to fill the funnel," Brad began his philosophy of pussy chasing. "It's like business.  You make a hundred calls, get interest from ten and make one sale."

"You're at a party or a crowded bar with a lot of singles, groups of women.  You talk to the prettiest one first.  When she turns away, you talk to a less attractive woman.  Everyone is going for the 8, 9, and 10.  Talk to the 6 or 7.  When her prettier friend turns back, keep talking to the 6 or 7.  She will love you for that.

"When you get a phone number, text message her that night.

"When you make a date, say, 'I'm not after your body.  I can laid whenever I want.  I think you're pretty and fun and I want to take you out to dinner and show you a good time.'

"Mention your mother on that first date--not in a creepy way--but to let her know you love your mother.  Women make note of that.  They think a man who loves his mother will be a good husband. I like to make a big deal out of walking on the outside of the street and explaining that it's a way of protecting women that I learned from my dad.

"Don't have sex on the first date.  You will not have great sex on the first date.  Walk her home and kiss her on the cheek.  No sex on the second date either!  By the third date, you're looking at her like she's a pork chop and you haven't eaten in days--but in a good way.  I don't make the first move, but I engineer the first move.  I want her to want me, to reach for me.

"I try not to lie but I do lie about being available.  Either I say I'm not seeing anyone or that I only date strippers.  I say that in an embarrassed way.  Some women are really excited by the idea of a man who dates strippers.  They wonder what strippers do that they don't.  They try to compete.

"Women want emotional connection.  I'm good at saying what they want to hear.  Give them that and they will break out sexually; they will open up for you; the sex will be hot.

"The sweet spot is a girl 26 to 29 who had a shitty relationship with her father, lives away from home and has no siblings.

"You have to give her the missing piece, the feeling of connection.  When women get the missing piece, they want a man to be in charge sexually, to take them.  They want to surrender and give it up, go wild.

"Men are assholes.  They don't get that women need the connection.  It's why they're home masturbating and I'm in bed with a woman."

I have met, interviewed and occasionally fucked guys like Brad.  Sex on the first date is a simple "score."  Get her to feel connected to you--and it's "great sex," a bigger score.  Brad thrives on the challenge and thrill--the game of intimate connection.

He has something in common with the majority of men you will meet who claim to be unattached:   He's lying about that.

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

NEW TOYS!!!

While I seem to have taken a pause from partner sex--I'm playing with new vibes, so libido is not lost.

You know my motto:  Every woman should have a wardrobe of vibes and use one of them daily.  At least one orgasm a day beats the proverbial apple.

Two new ones from Babeland are great fun:  The dark and sexy wand Gold Digger; and pretty little purple Papillon.

Gold Digger gets its name from the sparkly gold band of "jewels" around the part you hold.  It only has one speed, but a nice sturdy speed.  I like to start out by stroking my labial lips, then slowly circling the clit to get its attention.  Depending on how much pressure you like on your clit, you may want to stick with the circling, alternated with up and down strokes on the side.  Whatever your stroke, move your body into it too.

Papillon is small and curvy.  The two speeds let you build an orgasm by teasing yourself.  Slow, fast, slow fast.  I like holding Papillon inside my labia lips so that I feel the vibrations diffused throughout the area.  When I'm ready to come, I use the smaller end on my clit.

Porn, Christie Brinkley's Husband--and More On Anal Sex

Photo Credit:  "Woman With Pearls and Stockings" on Photobucket

 

Two unrelated events seem related to me.  I'm not suggesting a cosmic convergence.  But think on this:

First, Christie Brinkley, celeb model, plans--according to everybody's favorite tabloid newspaper, The New York Post--to "slam" her philandering soon-to-be ex-husband Peter Cook with charges that he was into Internet porn, including "trolling" swingers sites.  (Internet porn is cited in up to 40% of divorce cases today, but who knows what that really means?  Has a fondness for/"addiction" to porn kept the husband from giving the wife her conjugal rights?  Or is the charge a nice handle for the frying pan she is using to clobber him over the head?  Who really knows?)

Second, some women and a man have responded to my post "How Much Should Anal Intercourse Hurt?" with confusion.

"You've written about anal intercourse in a positive way in your books," one woman e-mailed me.  "What happened?"

From a man who has been a "fan" since the 90s when I wrote about my sex life for Penthouse Forum (and I am not at all sure how I feel about his remaining a "fan" and his ability to keep finding me):  "You wrote one of the most arousing pieces on anal intercourse I've ever read.  Don't you do that anymore?"

Here is how the two events are related:  Sex was not an extreme sport (except for the very few) in those bygone days of ten or fifteen years ago.  The porn that men (even men married to gorgeous women) are watching now is hard-core beyond anything most of us who were very knowledgeable about the sex industry might have predicted.  Huge dicks plunging routinely into little female anuses.  Double anal penetration.  And more.  Worse, young men seem to think that this is how it's done in the real world.

Sociologically, porn has surely helped create a climate in which men expect anal sex almost immediately from a new lover.  (No, no, no, Babes!  Remember:  the ass is a special gift.  Scroll down to the original post to see why.)

Yes, I did write about experiencing anal sex, specifically with one lover.  (I've only had anal intercourse with two men in my life!)  It was incredibly exciting.  But here's why:  While he was very nicely endowed, he was not porn-star humongous; he carefully prepared me for the event; and we did not do this early in the relationship.

I met JDK in a Philadelphia hotel where he worked in management and I was a pampered VIP guest, due to my working relationship with the owner.  He was adorable, a young Steven Spielberg.  I was 39, isolated from my regular life and horny.  We rendezvoused in one of the hotel bars every day at five for champagne and flirtation.  When I found out that he was only 23!--I said, OH, NO, to his advances.  But then...  We went to a Pearl Harbor Day party in Center City (where most of the guests could have been my biological children) and I kicked off my stiletto pump and ran one foot up his leg....and we became lovers.

We lived together in Manhattan for a few years.  He was one of the managers at the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel; and the champagne was higher quality.  I wrote an article about his penis called "The Perfect Penis" that was syndicated world-wide.  When he pushed for anal intercourse, I could hardly refuse.

After arousing me to the point of orgasm with his mouth and hand--then pulling back-- again and again until I was SO ready, he lovingly lubricated my anus using first one, now two and three fingers.  Then he positioned me in a variation of the classic rear entry pose:  Ass elevated, leaning forward on my elbows so that my chest was on the bed.  He stood behind me.  That position worked for us though it would not for everyone. 

I felt erotic dread in the pit of my stomach, like desire and fear mingling together, settling there momentarily before moving down.   The head of his penis pushed against my virginal anal opening; and I wanted/didn't want him to keep going.  I groaned when he pushed inside.  He thrust slowly at first.  Yes, it hurt so good.  I wanted it.  Wanted the thrusting.  I'd never felt so vulnerable and submissive as I did then--and I wanted more of that feeling.

After a certain point, he stopped moving carefully and thrust deeply and vigorously into me.  I gasped with the pain/pleasure.  Yes, it was much more pleasure than pain.

Stroking my clit, I had one of the most intense orgasms of my life.  I felt truly claimed.  Possessed. Owned, for the moment at least, by this man.

How does that differ from the porn version?

He cared about me.  And moved me along an erotic path culminating in vigorous anal thrusting, not starting there.  He wanted my pleasure.  That allowed me to be as submissive as a woman can be--and love it.

It also helps that he wasn't hung like a porn star.  A robust seven inches and nicely thick, his penis was perfect, in its ability to get hard quickly, sustain erection, come back again for more.  We lived together for more than three years and continued to fuck even after we'd split and he was with someone else, a sweet young thing who could not understand his ongoing involvement with me.  I can't recall ever seeing his penis flaccid though surely it must have been.

Babes, don't write off the Cougar experience if you haven't tried it.

Regarding anal intercourse:  It's not like you see it on DVD.

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

Dirty Girls, Lusty Ladies, Outspoken Broads

 In doing thousands of interviews with women (and men) about sexual behavior all across the country over the past two decades, I have concluded that too often we limit ourselves.  (And I'm not just talking about partner choices.)  We hang out with people who are just like us; we read about people who are just like us; we go to blogs written by and for people who are just like us.

Babes, you can learn a lot by reading and listening across the generations--and, for that matter, across the full range of sexual experience.  We have much to tell each other. 

For example, this week I discovered Sue Katz:  Consenting Adult, a terrific blog!  She writes for aging Boomers.  But she is an Auntie Mame offering spirited comments and opinions on matters affecting younger women too, like Botox and cosmetic surgery.  (Girls are Botox-ing at 30 now.)  She is such a fresh and original voice.

I also went to The Happy Ending Lounge downtown to an "In The Flesh Reading Series," organized by Rachel Kramer Bussel.  If you live in Manhattan, you must get to one of these free monthly readings of erotica.  (The next is July 17; mark your calendar.)  Most of the readers and listeners are in their 20s and 30s.  But whatever your age or sexual persuasion, you will enjoy the readings.

I chatted with the legendary erotica writer Cecilia Tan and with some Dirty Girls, including Aimee Herman.  She sold me a book and CD; and I will get back to you shortly with a report.

Don't limit yourselves!  Read across the generations and sexual persuasions.  And, yes, a straight woman can get excited about gay porn too.

 

 

 

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

"I'd Rather Have Haagen-Dazs!"

Rebecca, who looks ten years younger than her 38 years is a tiny, stunning woman with that creamy cafe au lait skin.  She's blunt and bold.  And she should be a stand-up comic.

This is Rebecca on Sex and Orgasms:

"Whatever happened to straight sex?  Men want all this stuff!  Anal!  Coming on your face!  What's wrong with your penis in my vagina?  Men don't want women.  They want dolls they can pose like porn stars and do whatever they want to them.

"Sex isn't fun anymore.  I'd rather eat Haagen-Dazs.

"I don't come that often anyway.

"If a guy is going for my elusive orgasm, I should tell him:  We could be here all day and I have to go to work. 

"In my head I'm thinking about cleaning the bathroom while he's trying to get me off.  I look at my feet and wonder if I'm pointing them enough.  I have to keep cute poses!  Then I realize that I need a pedicure.

"And I've lost the possibility of orgasm.

"Uh! oh! uh!.....oh, I don't think so."

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

How much should anal intercourse hurt?

Photo Credit:  "Rose" by Keefers on Photobucket

 That's a question I've been getting a lot lately from young women.

There is a big difference between "hurts so good" and "Omigod, I can't stand the pain!"

Anal intercourse is the most popular sex act on porn DVDs.  Women take huge dicks up the ass with seemingly no preparation.  Men thrust as vigorously as they do in vaginal intercourse.  We are supposed to believe that a good time is had by all.  (If you listen to the films closely, however, as I did recently in researching this question, you will notice:  Many of the women are hurting; that is pain in their "ohhhs" and "ahhhs".)

First, re. the preparation:

The night before a shoot, the actress gives herself one or more enemas.  She has no solid food until after shooting.  At least an hour before, she inserts a heavily lubricated butt plug to stretch her anal opening.  Before the camera rolls, she uses a small rectal syringe to shoot up more lube.

Now she's ready for "spontaneous" anal sex.  He, of course, doesn't wear a condom, leaving her open to HIV risk and him to contracting a UTI, urinary tract infection from the bacteria in the anus.  He will pass the UTI to her when he pulls out of her anus and inserts his penis into her vagina--as he typically does in porn filming.

And it still hurts if she's taking in a very large penis. 

You will hurt too if you try to force something up there that just won't fit.  We all have a maximum diameter.  Stretch your anus and connecting intestine beyond that and you feel pain.  Keep stretching--and you will experience tissue damage.

Tissue damage--tearing and bleeding--dramatically increases your HIV risk.  HIV is contracted two  ways:  blood to blood transmission or semen to blood transmission.  If you keep stretching and damaging those tissues, you may also discover that you "leak" fecal matter at inconvenient times, like when you are not sitting on a toilet.

All that said, anal sex can be a thrilling experience-- when you prepare for it, your partner wears an anal condom and respects your limits for depth of penetration and thrusting, and you can accomodate his penis.

Young women tell me that men expect anal intercourse the first or second time they have sex.  Oh, no.  The ass is a special treat, Babes.  You don't offer it up to strangers, but only to someone you know and trust to care if you're in pain--some guy who plans to be around and doesn't want to see you leaving track marks in your silky panties.

Check out Tristan Taormino's website and books.  Send your guys there too.  Do you know how many young men "learn" about sex from watching porn?  We need to tell them that they are learning some things wrong.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

Babeland Takes Brooklyn!

Yesterday my friend Toni and I went to the grand opening celebration of the new Babeland store in Park Slope, Brooklyn.  I took them autographed copies of my new books, THE SEX BIBLE FOR WOMEN and THE ORGASM LOOP as a gift.  The store is a perfect little jewel, hot pink and white with a splash of orange.  It was packed with celebrants, happily examining the sex toys.

Claire Cavanah, one of Babeland's owners told me that a young woman came up to her in the shop and said, "I've had all the children I want to have.  Now I want to have sex with my husband for fun; and I don't know how to do that.  Sex has been about making babies for us.  Can you help me?"

That young woman went to the right place.  Babeland is all about educating, supporting and empowering female sexuality.  The staff in this new store--led by manager Mary Kelterborn--like the staffs in the Manhattan stores where I shop is warm and welcoming, knowledgable and open to you, whatever your sexual persuasion and tastes.  There is no better place than a Babeland store (or website) to discover a new toy and learn how it can make your sex life better.

I told some of the girls about the bad old days of sex shops, way back in the late 70s/early 80s when we could choose between The Pink Pussycat (incredibly tacky, very limited selection) or The Pleasure Chest (largely for gay men).  Then Babeland came along.  We own our sexuality now--in no small part thanks to Babeland.

My favorite toy of the day:  the Sasi, "the intelligent vibrator" (sold exclusively through Babeland.)  It knows what you want.  Babes, we all need one of those.