Photo Credit: "Sexy Legs" by Damesha on Photobucket
I began my conversations on orgasm at the bar in Native restaurant, Harlem. On weeknights and late Sunday nights, I can always find an eclectic group of smart (and physically attractive) people sitting at the bar, engaging in the kind of lively, candid conversation on real topics that you think would be going on all the time all over the city--but isn't.
"Let's talk about orgasms," I say.
First question: How does a woman come?
"Most of the time, a girl comes when I am playing with her clit," says A, 24 year old bartender, Mexican and beautiful like a Latin movie star.
Two African American men in their thirties nod their heads. One says, "Occasionally, I've been with a woman who comes without it, but most need that clit play." The other adds, "With some women, you make the right moves during intercourse, find their sweet spot and they come."
"Or they tell you they do," his friend laughs.
"I love going down on a woman," says R., very attractive and fit entrepreneur, 43. "I don't like a blow job as much as I like eating pussy. But bringing a woman to orgasm is a combination of non-physical and physical. The romance--seduction and foreplay--are the build-up to orgasm. If you don't give her the time for the build-up, she probably won't come. She has to feel comfortable enough with me to come. I know I'm a better lover at 43 than I was in my 30s--because I take the time to bring a woman along. I'm in love with pussy."
Carol, a lovely mixed race woman around forty, says, "Different things make me come. Oral sex will do it. When I was younger, getting high enhanced the possibility. Doing it with a man and another woman will make me come. I like a lot of foreplay and kissing. I like a big penis. If I'm getting all the things I like, I have a better chance of coming. I am highly sexed. But most of the time unless I like the guy, I'm acting, not coming."
The two male friends are debating whether or not the one's "moves" really bring his partner to orgasm when A, the bartender, interjects: "When that happens, it's something she knows how to do. I like to think I'm good, but I'm not that good. If she is coming while I'm fucking her, she knows how to do that."
"I've decided to eradicate falsehood in my life," says a pretty mixed race real estate broker, a single mother in her early thirties. "I'm not lying about coming anymore. And I don't come that often."
Why not?
"There's so much going on with men now. They look at you if you have something--a good job, an apartment, a little money--and they think, How can I get a piece of that? What can she do for me? There is so much anger between men and women in the African American and Latin cultures. I can't speak to white, but ...."
"Female orgasm is the mecca of male prowess," a young white woman interjects. "When you're in bed with a man, you have to let the rest of the stuff go and help him reach mecca with you."
How does she do that?
"I guide his mouth down there. If he doesn't want to go south, I put his hand on my clit. Sometimes I touch myself. Whatever it takes. My orgasm brings it home for both of us."
.....and more to come in the days ahead. The Orgasm Dialogues are ongoing.
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