SexyPrime, a blog by Susan Crain Bakos

WOMEN ASK: "What Is The Right Vibe For Me?"

"Somebody gave me a great big vibe for my birthday," Selena said. We were enjoying Happy Hour at Maxie's Grill (19th Street between Irving and Park.)  She wanted to know:  What's with vibes?  "Really, it was a battery-operated dildo," she explained.  "I didn't like it.  I don't think I am the vibe type."

At 27, Selena is right inside the vibrator's prime demographic.  Women in their twenties and thirties are now buying more vibes than Baby Boomer women, the original vibe babes.  Selena, get your share.

"I would never suggest that a woman new to vibes start off with a battery-operated big dildo," I said. "Unless you're fingering your clit while you use it, you probably won't have an orgasm. It's like intercourse without the joy of a man's body." 

She needs a toy designed for coy little kittens, whose clits need to be tenderly coaxed out to play.  And the choices, the choices!  Go to Babeland and look for external vibes, including contour vibes that you can hold in the palm of your hand, little vibes designed like lipsticks or sporting fun names like Pocket Rocket, finger vibes that expand the erotic power of your finger--oh, so many choices of toys to hold against your clit until is sings its own song.  For Selena, I advise SaSi, the intelligent vibe that creates the sensations of cunnilingus only better, unless your partner is an oral genius.  AND SaSi remembers your responses for next time.  (Can you say that about your partner?)

"You won't want to stop at purchasing a single vibe," I told her.  "Once you've fallen in love with that one, you will begin to wonder what different sensual delights another vibe might deliver."

Women who start with the bullet eventually crave a penetrating vibe and find their way to the Rabbit, enticed by its triple stimulus action:  G-spot, clitoris, cervix.  Why not?  Why be monogamous to your vibrator?

But some women are.  Sue, one of my favorite readers, is a Boomer Babe who swears by her Hitachi Magic Wand.

"It works for me," she says of the big power machine that I associate with Cougars.  "I don't want to try anything else."

Yes, it works for me too.  I can go from zero to orgasm in sixty seconds when i flip the switch on my big tool.  When I want/need a quick orgasm before running out the door to a meeting or falling asleep after a long day--that's my vibe.  

When I want to play, there are so many other ways to go.  More than a lover or two is probably too time-consuming for most of us.  You can never have too many vibes.  They wait patiently in drawers and on shelves and perform on demand.

Photo credit: Vibrating Panties, available at Babeland

SIZE QUEENS: WHY DO WE LIKE THEM SOOOOOO BIG?!

I have gone on record with m y preference for The Big Dick.  (Having said that I add:  I've had lovers who did not possess The Big Dick but were still spectacular lovers.)  So why do I--and many other women--like them big when a regular or small can get job done if the owner knows how to use his equipment to maximum advantage?

Svetlana Ivanova offers an explanation on her blog Sex Secrets: "What does a big penis feel like to a woman?"

"It's been said that the brain is the body's best sex organ and that saying is RIGHT! The sight of a big penis makes some women go into "heat," causing them to become sexually excited before foreplay even begins. Women who like big penises think about the potential pleasures of feeling "full" from having an extra long or thick penis within them. The experience of accommodating a big penis can be mentally stimulating to a woman, thus, making it easier for her to reach pleasure-filled orgasms."

Oh, yes, The Big Dick is aesthetically pleasing,  A throbbing large erection standing out from a man's body like a soldier of lust is a beautiful thing. 

It's also a fabulous toy.  You can admire it while rubbing its head against your clit.  You can lavish oral attention on it yet know that you haven't smothered it.  The Big Dick fills your mouth (and throat) and vagina in such a thrilling way.  The ultimate phallic symbol, it brings us to our knees and grateful to be there.

Women crave penetration.  Even lesbian women do.  (Who do you think started the sex toy industries, selling those big dildos and vibes in their hip and cool stores>)  We want to feel him inside; and many of us want, at least sometimes, to be pounded.  What pounds like The Big Dick?

If you are one of those women who say, "Size doesn't matter"--that's fine.  Some women don't want to deal with the big one; others prefer girth to length.  Often women complain that long dicks "boink" the cervix which they find unpleasant.  My cervix is an erogenous zone, one of my orgasm spots.

Just don't castigate "size queens" for being unabashed adoring fans of The Big Dick.

Sex Question of the Day: Why Does Orgasm Take So Long?

I stopped for lunch at the Outback Steak House on 23rd Street in Manhattan.  (Do not harangue me about patronizing a national chain establishment when Manhattan has a million burger pubs and yada, yada, yada.  The Bloomin' Burger at Outback is fantastic, the service is first-rate friendly like you get in the Midwest; and being there reminds me of going out to eat with my nephew and his family in southern Illinois.)  Two beautiful young African American women who work at the nearby Culinary Institute were also lunching there, sitting near me at the bar.

I asked them:  What is your most pressing sex question?

After pondering that for a few moments, one said:  "Orgasms!  Why do they take so long?"

The other, a newlywed, said, "Orgasms--yes!  It's THE question with women."  She added, "I always have to help out.  It still takes long."

I told them about my books, especially The Orgasm Bible and The Orgasm Loop.  If you want to learn how to come faster--and more reliably and sometimes more often than once--read the books.

The short answer to:  Why does it take so long (meaning longer for women than it does for men)?

Men come by friction to the head of the penis; and intercourse is designed to give them that.  The overwhelming majority of women need stimulation of the clitoris, either directly or indirectly, to reach orgasm.  Our orgasm delivery system is not as efficient as theirs in terms of going from zero to 100 in a matter of a few brief minutes of intercourse.  We can, however, have more orgasms than they can and, once we get the hang of it, reach orgasm through more pathways than their one.

We slow the process down by allowing distractions to sap our arousal.  (That's why I created The Orgasm Loop with its emphasis on arousal focus.)  And we continue to impede orgasm by being reluctant to give ourselves that additional clitoral stimulation.

If "Why does orgasm take so long?" is your most pressing sex question of the day--Read my books; and touch yourself too.

Girl-on-Girl: Just To Please Him?

I had an interesting conversation about the new sexuality in the city at N Harlem the other night with Richard Anton Diaz of Sexy Spirits, Palagia, founder of One Leg Up and some friends.  (We were all knocked out by the designer clothes, shoes and fragrances at N.)

What is the new sexuality?

Women are in the midst of our own private sexual revolution.  Bi-Girls rule the downtown scene and prevail at sex clubs and sex parties where the single female is sought after by many couples.  Cougars are on the prowl; and we are thought to be sexy and sophisticated while older guys after Kittens are old guys chasing young girls.  Women have amazing new sex toys, including vibes so beautiful, they are object d'art. 

Yet Palagia sounded a dissenting note when she said, "The female fantasy is not girl-on-girl.  Women admit to me that they fantasize having two guys but do it with another girl to please their men."

I do not doubt Palagia's word, but I don't think all bisexual women are doing it to please men.  For years, swingers have been telling me that the bisexual wife calls the shots--and that women who aren't bisexual usually aren't enthusiastic about swing parties.  Moreover, girls tell me that they like playing with other girls--OR go there in their disappointment with boyfriends, not to please them.

(Palagia also said that, in her thirties, she is now "tired of teaching men" and understands why so many women give up on them, at least for a while.)

Here is a common scenario:  Two twentysomething editors I know, roommates, fell into one another's drunken arms one night, after weeping/commiserating over their failed relationships.  They had sex, declared themselves lesbians, were advertising for "a boy to join us in a threesome" on craigslist within three months.  They told me about their need for cock in a crowded, noisy bar one night.

"Why do we want cock?"  and "Why do we need cock?"  they kept asking me.  "We love each other!  We're happy together!  Why do we want cock?"

I answered loudly:  "Because cocks are so much fun to play with!"  The bar grew silent; our drinks were free the rest of the night.

In another three months, the girls were iving in separate countries.  One is in a relationship with a man; the other has remained happily on the Sapphic path.

I don't think bisexual behavior in women is all about pleasing the guy.  But what do the rest of you think? 

By the way, I read on Page Six in The New York Post today that Lindsey Lohan and her GF Samantha Ronson are fighting.   Rumors have her "going straight back to guys" if the two split.  Now what do you think about that?

The other part of the new sexuality, the evolution of men--we'll discuss another day.

Toxic Girlfriend Advice!

Women could learn how to be better friends from observing men.  They don't advise one another on "relationships."

My pal Steve Otero at Sexy Spirits forwards me the most interesting posts and articles from all over the web.  Recently he sent me a Q/A.  "Relationship adviser" answered a question from a fortysomething woman involved with a twentysomething man.  The wise girl went off on the cougar.

Cougars really annoy her because they are ignoring the biological imperative the wise girl sees implicit in all male/female relationships:  If you can't bear his baby, being with him is an abomination.

I would quote her argument extensively but she is also a pal of Steve's and, generally, I like her site, specializing in social networking.  She should, however, stop dispensing biased relationship advice that makes her sound exactly like a judgmental "girlfriend" putting another girlfriend in her place.  (And sister Cougar, why the hell did you ask this girl for advice on your life?  Who cares what she thinks?  Why do you want her approval?)

Reading that piece made me realize how free my life now is of sister judges.  I haven't known women like this in decades!  I don't ask for opinions on my sex life; and I don't hand out unsolicited advice either.  In fact, I won't comment on your relationship even if you ask.

Sex?  Yes, I have a lot to say about sex.

Do You Know That Female Orgasm Was A Psychiatric Problem Until 1952?

“It has long been my unassailable belief that orgasmic women can change the world. By this I mean that a woman who is unfettered sexually is unfettered politically, socially and economically and is unstoppable,” Dell Williams in the introduction to her autobiography, Revolution in the Garden: Memoirs of the Gardenkeeper.

Last week I was an invited guest to a workshop on female sexuality at Eve’s Garden, a lovely art-filled erotic boutique on West 57^th Street, the Manhattan sex toy shop that was the first of its kind when Dell Williams opened it in 1974. (“Eve was scapegoat; I wanted to restore her good name,“ she says, explaining how she decided on the name.) She was born in 1922 when “Women didn’t have orgasms. Not officially.

“Women had the vote but we still didn’t have orgasms. Women had ‘hysterical crises.’”

What’s an hysterical crisis?

It could be fainting, loss of appetite, strange feelings of heaviness in the way lower “abdomen“--or a series of involuntary contractions that, in descriptions of the day, sounds suspiciously like orgasm. Yes, women’s sexuality was categorized as a medical condition by The American Psychiatric Association until 1952--when Dell Williams was thirty years old. Her own sexual awakening didn’t happen until she was fifty. That’s what led “a nice Jewish girl from the Bronx”, also active in the women’s movement, to open a sex toy store built on the belief that “Regular orgasm is vital to a wholesome lifestyle--it enhances our health, our appearance, our self-esteem, our ability to function effectively.”

Dell is one of my heroines; and she will be yours too if you read her book. I was thrilled to meet her at the workshop--and disappointed when the speaker gave her (and another interesting woman) so little time to talk to us. The audience was a mixed bag--women in their twenties/thirties, a couple in their late thirties, a man who looked about that age, some older women. We wanted to hear more from Dell. The speaker, who does this for a living, was warm and engaging, but way too in love with the sound of her own voice and committed to the agenda of her notes to engage in open dialogue.

Babes, if you are ever giving a presentation on any subject and a member of the audience is a pioneer in your field, give that person a little time to address the group.

During the “tell us your name and a little bit about you as we go around the room” phase, Dell said:

“When I was active in the women’s movement, I forgot about sex, until I helped co-ordinate the first Women’s Sexuality Conference for N.O.W. [National Organization for Women]. I took Betty Dodson’s workshop on self love. I saw that the vibrator was a liberating tool for women.”

I can’t read my scribbled notes on what the speaker had to say, but I remember it as being women’s sexuality rooted in relationship yada, yada, yada. At one point, a woman volunteered this comment: “In 1974, I was married with three children and had never had an orgasm.” Later she said, “I had my first orgasm in bed with my husband after a group of couples got together to smoke pot and watch porn. I was so stimulated from the pot, the porn, the sexual energy in the room.”

Shortly after that, Dell told one of her own orgasm stories:

“When I masturbate, I say I am going to the goddess. Sometimes I worry about being too loud when I come. What must the neighbors think? I live in a Manhattan apartment! Recently, I was visiting upstate; and I heard a woman’s scream coming clear across the lake. I knew she was having an orgasm. The sound sailed proudly and joyously across the water. A woman’s orgasm is life-affirming.”

I was sitting on one side of Dell, a pretty young woman on the other side. As Dell described the sailing orgasm, the young woman and I exchanged delighted smiles. We need more of this--talking about sex across the generations. The conversation brings us together, all goddesses in our own lives, each, no matter her age, having to overcome some obstacle in claiming her sexuality.

Orgasm. “Partake of it daily,” Dell says. Yes!

Let's Talk About Men and Porn!, Part Two

Three email questions from women on the men and porn post.  (Babes, I really wish you would post these comments to the blog and open up the discussion.)

1.  Is there a difference between a man masturbating to his imagination and masturbating to porn?

Where does he get the images in his "imagination?"  Sometimes from memory, sometimes from fantasizing sex with your best friend or even your mother, sometimes from, as Rebecca would say, his "sexual Rolodex," in this case, his inner porn file.

Women like the idea of him using his imagination vs. porn because they can pretend his mental images are more romantic than they probably are.  Some women and a few therapists/researchers have concluded that men who watch a lot of porn require increasingly harder material to become aroused and ejaculate.  That may be true.  Or not.  I am searching for reliable porn studies and will get back to you on that.

2.  Why do many women "endorse masturbation" but feel angry and resentful about men masturbating to porn?

Two reasons: 

The desire many women have to control sex in the relationship. 

Historically in nearly every culture, women have controlled men through the withholding or dispensing of sex and men have controlled women through the withholding or dispensing of money.  The Sex/Money status quo has been shaken up rather a lot in our time, but the mentality still persists even in empowered women.  The belief that he should not be doing anything with his dick that you don't approve is endorsed by The Relationship/Therapy Industrial Complex--all those therapists and workshop leaders and relationship coaches and authors and their emphasis on "working on the relationship."  (Yech.  One of my least favorite terms.)

So.  You will let him masturbate but only in the approved way.

A lot of porn is truly degrading to women.

Who wants to believe that her wonderful BF is turned on by double anal penetration or several men jerking off on a woman's face?  That is the inherent conflict in his porn/her relationship.  The porn makes you angry because you personalize it; and your resent its powerful effect on him.

A woman in her thirties recently told me that she and her girlfriends are turned off to sex and find men in their age group both "flat and lacking passion and oddly misogynistic."  She asks:  Does porn make them hate women or do they watch that porn because they hate women?

Most men don't hate women.  Let's ask them why they watch some porn we find offensive.  Guys, thoughts on that?

3.   Doesn't Western culture construct female sexuality--and isn't porn part of the construct?

Doesn't every culture construct and constrict female sexuality?  And male sexuality, though in different ways?

Yes, porn does seem to play a part in how women define their sexuality now.  The "girls gone wild" phenomenon--young women dressing provocatively and acting out sexually--was likely inspired in part by porn and fueled by x-rated imagery on the web.  You, however, are smart enough to make your own choices about your sex life.  You might decide it would be fun to have sex in your stilettos because you saw it in a film, but you don't have to do that or anything else.  I would assert that organized religion has constructed and constricted female sexuality more than porn has (or ever could.)

Remember:  There have never been more choices for women in porn of our own.  Have you checked out Candida Royalle's Femme Productions?

Let's Talk About Men And Porn!

While we're waitng for Rebecca's Friday post--[Slight delay due to my pressing for a few details.]--I will answer a reader email question about porn:

"What do you think about men using porn when they are in a relationship?"--A, 25, living in Ireland.

I get this question at least three or four times a week from women all over the world.  A explained that she and her BF had "a porn incident" a few months ago but asserts "everything is fine now."  Her girlfriend, however, just discovered that her "wonderful new boyfriend" has been "jerking off to porn" for years and years.

"What does this mean?"  A asks.

It means they are guys.  They masturbate.  Mostly in the modern age, they masturbate to cyberporn, a lot of which is ugly and not to our tastes. 

Women, especially young women, often believe that a couple in a relationship should not masturbate.  They view self-pleasuring as a failure of "intimacy"--even "cheating."  An American wife in her early thirties recently wrote that she gave her husband an ultimatum:  "His hand or me."  He chose her.  So he is forced into the role of lying, cheating husband now--with his own hand.

A, everything might be fine now, but your BF is no doubt sneaking his porn fix behind your back.

Porn is a relationship issue when:

• Masturbating to porn takes up most of a man's sexlife time.  His partner is frustrated beause they aren't having sex very often.  She feels neglected and sexually abandoned.
• The man is getting all his sex education from porn.  Guys, just a few points:  The girls in porn films are faking orgasms.  Anal sex isn't something you just "slip into."  They had enemas the night before the shoot, wore a butt plug for hours to open their anal sphnicter muscles, squirted syringes full of lube up their anuses.  But it still hurts when a large cock rams hard and fast into her asshole.

What do I think about porn in relationships?

Being in a relationship doesn't mean you own one another's sexuality.  You should complain if your needs aren't being met, if he masturbates to the point where he has little or no interest in having sex with you, if he tries to act out porn fantasies you find distatsteful in your bed.

You don't have to look, dress, behave or fake like a porn star.

But you can't tell him he isn't allowed to masturbate as long as he's in a relationship with you.  Let's talk about sex toys tomorrow.  Remember, Babes, the sage words of Lori Perkins:  "In the lastest sexual revolution, men got harder porn but we got better vibes."

Sex and the Single Black Man: Ali "A" Abdullah Answers Seven Questions

Ali Abdullah is a remarkable young man. Not yet 25, he has been actively involved in charitable works for years. His blog Map'nOut is a fun and informative read in a "young man about Harlem" style. He reports on fashion, sports, Hip Hop events and other activities--and pokes some fun at politicians. But his soul is in his good works. Ali writes about charity events he attends, bringing more attention to the causes. His own organization, Fifth Avenue Sports League, sponsors basketball competition for both genders and brings in professional athletes and business and community leaders to mentor young people.

Ali has soul in every sense of the word. When I asked him to comment on Sex and the Single Black Men, I knew he would respond openly, honestly, with heart--and a good dose of humor.

Here is Ali:

Q.  There are so many myths/beliefs about black male sexuality.  (Myths/beliefs like:  black men have bigger penises; black men won't go down on a woman; black men can't be monogamous; black men are rough in bed; black men don't like foreplay or public displays of affection.)  What do you think is the biggest misconception?

A. I have to go with “black men won't go down on a woman” Why? This is something that I always highlighted since my early days of studying sex. Now, it’s a different story!

Q.  Once I wrote an essay in which I said that black men after 40 are sexier than white men--because while men seem to lose their sexual edge.  Wow!  Did I get slammed for that.  What do you think about the differences in male sexuality determined by age and/or race?

A. Honestly, age should never be a factor for physical attraction or when it comes to getting some action! (Unless your partner is underage) However, there should be more than just a physical attraction when it comes to sex at the age of 40. Now, if you put this in my shoes, the only thing I will look down on is if she’s grey haired!

Q.  Black women tell me that black men don't want to commit, that they don't want to take their lovers out, but want a woman to be home waiting for them to show up for a good meal and sex.  Truth in that?  Or not?

A. Truth be told, I am 23yrs old and I have never been in a relationship, but I’ve treated sisters out plenty of times (will acknowledge) and I understand what is required to make a relationship work…now the catch is finding the ideal partner. Additionally, I am a simple guy, and all I expect my woman to do is be loyal, honest, cool and down for the Abdullah experience! I will hire a chef to handle meal duties, or as a couple we will cook together, because as we all know, Ali has the recipe.

Q.  What do you find the sexiest qualities in a woman?

A. 1 hard worker 2 sporty appearance 3 confidence 4 discipline 5 down to earth (can go on a roller coaster)

Q.  What have you experienced or observed about interracial sexual liaisons?

A. Well, the best way for me to answer this question is, I’ve picked different fruit from the tree….and they all have been ‘fresh’! The wider the variety the better….thanks to the creation of fruit salads!

Q.  How would you describe the sexual scene in Harlem?

A. TERRIBLE! This question requires serious attention…But, from what I see, sisters are confused on what kind of guy they are looking for. In addition, everything now-a-days is about making a fashion statement. 70% of Harlem couples are pretending to be someone that they aren’t, plus there is a large percentage of individuals who are not independent…It seems that most Harlem citizens are impressed by someone wearing Gucci shoes…but don’t look at the fact that these are the same people living with their parents/families…Come on, let’s get real! But as I mentioned earlier, this question is very complicated to breakdown.

Q.  What was the best sex you ever had?

A. Ummmm, the first time my bed arrived into my place. This particular night, the stage was set for me to perform….since then, I have been nominated for every award, from the TONY to the ACADEMY! The freshness of the mattress enhanced my performance.

The Walk-By Make-Out Session

I had drinks this evening with Bridget, a tiny, sparkly brunette in her early 30s.  Of course, we talked about men and sex--but also about the differences between dating and mating in New York and L.A.

"New York is a drinking town," she said, "because you don't have to drive here.  In L.A. I've seen bartenders arrested for over-serving.  That term doesn't exist here."

I signaled for another round and asked, "Do you mean people don't have drunken hook-ups in L.A.?"

"They have to drive to one of their homes and get drunk there before they hook up."

Ah, spontaneity.  Apparently it's one of those things that only happens in New York.

"That and dating for dinner.  In L.A. there are so many pretty boys with no money.  Actors, artists, playwrights, indie film makers.  You expect to go Dutch or pay if you're working and he's not.  But here..."  She sighed.  "Girls expect guys to pay.  They date for dinner.  I am not working right now; and I hate to admit that I'm doing it myself.  But I try not to accept dinner from a man who doesn't sexually attract me."

If L.A. babes don't date for dinner as often as New York babes or hook up as frequently--what do they do when they go out?

"The Walk-By Make-Out session," she said.  "Kissing, touching, hands in hair--in public.  I like making out at a bar.  It's fun.  Sometimes that's all you want; and it's safer than sex."

Oh, yes, the flirtatious touches grown suddenly serious, the hands in hair, tenderly at first, brushing the strands off your face before he kisses you, then urgently both hands entangled, pulling.  And the kissing...teasing his lips with the tip of your tongue, sucking each lip, surrendering into his open mouth with a moan.  The public make-out session with a stranger is a sexy indulgence.  So is going home alone. I like the man to walk me outside, hail the cab, give me one lingering good-bye kiss--and then turn away. 

In my bedroom, my toys are waiting.  The big Hitachi Magic Wand, my Rabbit vibes, JimmyJane's Form 6....and so many more.  I come and come and come..........and sleep rather blissfully alone.

(Check out the vibes at Babeland.)