SexyPrime, a blog by Susan Crain Bakos

IT'S SCIENCE TUESDAY!--BRAIN BLISS--The Neuroscience of Bliss & Longer Orgasms &...

 
Photo Credit:  "Sexy Legs" by Yvette on Photobucket

 

 

...Surprise!—Dial Back The Porn For More Pleasure. 

 (Yes, it all comes together.  Just follow, please.)

 

A decade ago, before scientists put women into fMRI machines and watched their brains light up on orgasm, they thought that pleasure was registered in the left hand side of the brain.  During orgasm, however, the right hand side throws up fireworks like the Fourth of July while the left goes nearly dark, leaving the right prefrontal cortex, as Nadia Webb writes in “The Neurobiology of Bliss—Sacred and Profane” in Scientific American magazine—“a bright island.”

On the calmer side of bliss, scientists are studying happiness, including the demonstrable impact that meditation has on raising one’s general sense of happiness and well-being.  I am a believer in meditation though my practice of it still leaves something to be desired.   The thesis of Webb’s article is that bliss, both “sacred” (meditation) and “profane” (orgasm) share the diminuation of self-awareness. It is self-awareness that can keep us shackled inside our minds.

She writes: “Orgasm and meditation dissolve the sense of physical boundary.  Unlike meditation, orgasm seems a heightened sense of being within one’s body rather than the sense of being outside of it.”

 

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES THIS MAKE TO ANYONE EXCEPT A SCIENCE GEEK?

Give any good sexologist a free afternoon alone with a pile of abstracts—and we will find practical applications for all that new learning.  We will make it make a difference to you. 

Neuroscience is enabling us to see how bliss, both kinds, look in the brain—and that has led some scientists to the construct of The Neurological Orgasm—and, of course, led others to posit how to make that N. O. last longer.  Imagine your favorite Tantrika, given to rhapsodizing on the Full Body orgasm or the Taoist delights of Delayed Orgasm, confronted with the latest results of response research on the effects of dopamine and oxytocin, the neurotransmitters of bliss.  Confusion!  S/he knows you can play with your genital response system to create longer, stronger orgasms.  You can also play with your neurological response mechanisms to create similar effects.  How?

 

WHERE IS THE BANG IN THE NEUROTRANSMITTER RESPONSE?

Some studies tried to make the connection between the types of sex the subjneect experienced and the variable neurochemical response—like, for example, showing that sex with a vibrator produced less dopamine and oxytocin than sex with a penis.  The problem with those studies?  They failed to take into consideration the cognitive state of the brain being scanned.  The brain of a depressed person won’t release as much of the neurochemicals as that of a non-depressed person—whether the penis or the vibe is the trigger.  Further studies focused more on state of mind led to scientists deducing, as Andrea Kuszewski writes on Scientific Blogging:

 

“You can give one person two separate, yet identical patterns of physiological stimulation, and end up getting radically different subjective experiences as a result.  This implies that it is not just the physical act of sex that gives us so much pleasure, but how we represent that act in our mind that really has impact. Not only can we get just as much of a neurotransmitter response from visual input or representational input (fantasies) as we can from physical input, but sometimes it can be even better than the real thing.”

Read that last sentence again.

Yes, neuroscience has essentially concluded that his masturbating to porn or her masturbating to the fantasy of connection with her emotional lover CAN be better than sex with each other.  In Fantasies vs. Reality, Fantasies win often, especially as the relationship ages. The trick to getting a bigger, better longer O and rejuvenating the married sex life and dialing back on the hardcore porn is simply figuring out the right stimuli to create a stronger neurotransmitter response.

What men do with porn and both genders, but especially men, do in internet trolling for sex, is basically:  keep upping the ante.  More online contacts.  More junk shots tweeted.  More nude pics from her.  Faster accelerations to phone calls and sexting.  Harder and harder and rougher and rougher porn.

But does it really work?  No.

 

TOO MUCH OF A NOT-THAT-GOOD THING

Remember Michael’s comment in "Why Isn't One Woman Enough?"

 

“Trolling is mostly about the rush of endorphins and ego gratification from a stranger’s attention.  It is like smoking crack.  You can't get the same emotional high from the love of a committed partner.”

Do you think a crackhead has found his or her bliss?

Still, you ask, if the key to inducing a stronger neurotransmitter response is a strong stimuli—What to do?

Kuszewski says—

“Imagery and suggestion that is blatant and forceful may get a big spike in dopamine, but it will be short-lived. This isn't giving you enough time to feel the attachment effects of oxytocin to the fullest extent possible. The element of mystery is a trigger for dopamine- in figuring out that mystery, we are intrigued, drawn in, motivated to examine it closer. If a stimulus is more abstract and leaves a little to the imagination, you will spend more time on it, thus extending every pleasurable neurochemical process, giving you a prolonged neurological orgasm.” 

 

SELLING IT TO THE BRAIN

She explains in an utterly charming and logical way the marketing philosophy behind Dolce & Gabanna ads, noted for their elegant erotic appeal, and applies that thinking to your neurotransmitter response.  The techniques D&G use include planting suggestions, ambiguity of image (so you can fill in the blanks), anticipation, and telling of a story.

If you want to have a longer Neurological Orgasm, you have to play with that brain.  Seduce. Tease.  Disconnect foreplay from the objective, at least sometimes, and turn each other on before you go your separate ways in the morning or any time where you aren’t falling immediately into a full body naked embrace.   Daily Sex Bible is rich in techniques and ideas for creative arousal and delayed gratification.  I had some of these neuroscience studies on my desk as I was putting the book together.

Dial back the porn.  Keep your junk off the internet.  The best lovers are smart people who can arouse their partners through their minds as well as their bodies.  They are not necessarily the best bodies on your Facebook friends list.

Take your brain off fast foods.  But first read Andrea Kuszewski’s excellent article.  Put yourself inside those D&G ads and imagine making that work in your sex life.

 Thanks to Steven Otero at Sexy Spirits for providing research for this article!

 

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

 

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"WHY ISN'T ONE WOMAN ENOUGH?"--Hot Talk 2 from Me & M on his roving eye, why swingers are like Whole Foods shoppers, and how sexually insecure men reinforce insecurity in women

 
Photo Credit:  "Fantasy Woman Mask" by Mistress Vador on Photobucket

 

S—Michael, my readers want to know, “Why isn’t one woman enough for M?”

I’m not sure one is “enough” for anyone after couples fall from the height of their Desire Curves.  Mutual intense blind passion lasts from eighteen months to three years when the body becomes habituated to the potent cocktail of brain chemicals created by new love/lust.  Some couples weather the fall from a drugged Eden better than others, depending on whether their natural desire set points are compatible, their sexual and communication skills are well-developed, they have remained separate enough to be interesting to one another and avoided the trap of too much “togetherness”—and other factors.

Even so, there is desire for another, at least from time to time.  Women feel it too and—my theory—often suppress their sexuality rather than acknowledge those dangerous passions.  (Babes, recognizing passion doesn’t mean you have to act; maybe you can use it in fantasy.  Buy The Sex Bible for Women and read the section on Nan Wise’s Desire Curve.  It can change your life.)

 

M—You and I know that monogamy is a tough go but you will have to build that case from the ground up for most vanilla women.  They can better understand a man who has an affair out of passion than the emotionally disconnected swinging sex.

S—I can “understand” swinging or affairs, but a passionate affair is more exciting and appealing to me.  Your swinging stories are rote and predictable—and smug.  Typically deriding the rest of us as “vanilla” people, sexual explorers are as smug in their way as Whole Foods shoppers are.  I hate Whole Foods—over-priced groceries of questionable superiority, smug shoppers.  Summing up your swing stories:  Survey the scene, settle on a pair of nice breasts, have her every which way you can and finish with your expert anal moves.  Ho.  Hum.  I never get the sense you wanted that woman, or any particular woman, merely some comely orifices to demonstrate your abilities.

M—Erotica needs passion—for women.  You’re right about that; and swinging is casual sex.  Let’s drop “vanilla.”  It is an arbitrary and condescending word.  To BDSM people, swingers are “vanilla.”

I’ve met wonderful swinger and non-swinger women.  But many swinger women seem insecure, submissive and eager to be financially dependent on a sugar daddy.  Swinger women often have more sexual skills, but I like smart, strong, independent women.  Skills can learned, the more important stuff comes from within.

S—When I researched Kink:  The Hidden Sex Lives of Americans, about a dozen years ago, I went to swinger parties, large and small, swinger events, and private sleep-overs as journalist/voyeur.  I did not see special skills on display by men or women.  The women went in for a showy porn move occasionally, like Deep Throating—But I saw them to be self-conscious lovers too focused on how their bodies looked in play (and maybe what their husbands were doing in other play) to be responsive, creative lovers to partners.

I did not pick up one sex tip watching swingers though I did from doms and subs, cross-dressers and trannies and every other category of kinkster.

Do men who obsessively troll the internet have sexual insecurities?

S—I’ve been with guys—the occasional once-only, never-again, Show Me The Exit date, a few business associates or casual friends—who can’t stop looking, flirting, texting, tweeting, talking about the passing parade of women in front of us or in their beds—and I don’t like it any better than I like the man or woman who can’t shut off the phone and talk to the people present rather than checking every incoming call and texting.  It’s rude behavior—an indication of a shallow mind.  I wonder what is wrong with men who can’t stop trolling for sex.  Can you explain that, Michael?

M—I am a ManSlut.

Not everyone who seems to be constantly on the prowl has commitment issues, but some do.  I have a wandering eye, which I don't really make any effort to conceal.  One of my female friends says, "I love you as you are, an unrepentant horndog, but I just would not date you."

I really LIKE thinking of myself as unusually sexually skilled—unfortunately believing that is an important part of my self-esteem.  Am I right about my abilities or self-delusional?  That can only be judged by others, and at least a few of my past partners don't share my exalted view of my skills.  I hope that some of them do.

S—I would not date you either.  If a man can’t keep his eye focused on me while he is with me, I am not seduced.  Great lovers know how to seduce a woman by lavishing erotic attention on her and making her feel like, for that period of time, the only woman in the world. 

M—Some women, insecure about their sexual skills, also troll the internet obsessively.  Trolling is mostly about the rush of endorphins and ego gratification from a stranger’s attention.  It is like smoking crack.  You can't get the same emotional high from the love of a committed partner.

S—Ah, yes, and never mind that the “new persons” are virtual cookie cutter copies of one another.

How can a woman be sexually confident if she’s with a man who never stops looking?

S—This is a big issue for women.  That roving eye says to them:  You’re not enough, even for the moment; I have to keep trolling for something better.

M—Women are more competitive about looks than sexual skills, in part because skills are not quantifiable.  Some women are intimidated by a man having a history of dating very beautiful women, while other women think less of a man if he’s dated plain or especially overweight women.  If you’ve been with many beautiful women, you seem to be setting a bar standard for subsequent women.

S—You let women know that your ex-wife was beautiful, you’ve dated models, been a swinger and consider yourself a ManSlut.  What do they think about that?

M—Young women in their twenties who have no interest in dating me often seem titillated when they learn I’ve been a swinger.  They say I am “old and harmless”  and ask me to tell stories.  Grrrrrr…..

Nowadays, I mostly make first contact with women I date on Facebook.  While I don't advertise my swinging on FB, anyone who meets me there knows I am a Dirty Bad Boy, with a very naughty side, long before we meet in person.  Almost all of them have at least one previous marriage that went bad at the end; many of the women most interested in me are still in the process of getting out of that bad marriage. 

S—I’ve had two affairs with married men since divorcing at age thirty.  It’s not really a good thing.  Why is it your preferred mode of operating?

M—I just happen to attract married or newly divorced women.  As a society, we need to give proper deference to ManSluts in helping primarily monogamous women break out of negative sexual accommodations.

A few days of being skillfully ravished and artfully used as cock socket by a Dirty Bad Boy...with whom NO realistic relationship possibilities existed...will free her.  American women need ManSluts.

S—Really?  I challenge that.  She can be skillfully ravished by a regular guy who has some passion for her behind his skilled moves.  I’ve had really fine lovers, none who considered himself a Dirty Bad Boy or a ManSlut. 

A good lover knows how to make women feel special and desired, one woman at a time.  A horndog just can’t stop panting and wagging his tail, wanting to hump as many bitches as he can, all at once if possible.  You may have game, but horndogs in general got no game.

Michael you are so insightful about other people’s sexual behavior, so good at analyzing how social forces impact sexuality—are you really content to be the spokesperson for the canned spray cheese of sex styles:  The roving eye horndog/dirty bad boy/ManSlut?

Women need a Casanova, not more cheese food promoted as organic and healthy.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime 

 

IT'S SCIENCE TUESDAY--Gender Power Studies, The Science of Creepiness-and THE ORGASM MANIFESTO

 
Photo Credit:  "Banana Lovers Sleeping Together" on Photobucket

 

So many of my emails these last several days have focused on 1.  The Desperate Women, Beastly Men Survey, with some readers saying they don’t want to hear about those men anymore—and more readers continuing to speak as Desperate Women and nice guys who don’t know what the DWs see in “those assholes.”  A number of readers have either asked for my opinion or posited their own theories on:  Why do powerful men behave so badly? –and--  What makes one man creepy and another simply expressing his non-traditional, non-vanilla sexuality?

A London reader want to know, “Is there a science of sexual creepiness?”

Last question first:  Alas, no.  I have been looking for just that.  Maybe we should launch this new scientific discipline and see if we can get the study of it accredited at a major university. 

My pal Steve Otero sent me a link to a web piece by a woman who seemed to be saying male sexual behavior is not creepy, but we (meaning women, society, the media) castigate male sexuality and label it “creepy”. 

“What’s wrong with a married man fathering a child by the maid?”  she asked.

Oh, please.

Any man who presses his attentions on a woman who has clearly let him know she is not interested is a creep.  If he persists after being told to stop, he’s a creeper.  If he acts forcefully to get his needs met, he is a sex abuser, rapist or at the very least guilty of sexual harassment.  A foot fetishist who acts upon his desire with willing partners is practicing non-traditional, or non-vanilla, sex.  A foot fetishist who demands, “Show me your feet!” is a creep who becomes a harasser the minute he pushes against a woman or grabs her roughly and tries to force her to do his bidding.

Everything is defined in terms of power and consent—not the nature of the sexual act itself.

There is a science of gender power, if not specifically of creepiness.  M sent me the link to a Wired report, quoting psychologists, on men corrupted by power to the point where they lose the ability to empathize with the relatively powerless.  But the New York Times ran "A Sexist Pig Myth" refuting the idea that power corrupts men into sexual harassers or worse.  (It’s not the power; it’s your nature.)

Two weeks ago I reported on a study that shows women in powerful jobs cheat just like men.

I am also looking for reliable studies on men who were sexually abused as boys by adult women—even if they “consented” to the sexual activity.  (Children cannot consent; and in spite of what the Catholic Church seems to be saying lately 10 is not the age of consent.)   Send me any information you have.

Many women hand over too much of their power to men.  It's fun to turn over the reigns in the bedroom.  No fun to have them forcefully grab those reigns or continue to hold on to them when the game has been played.

Like M who yesterday proposed the controversial, Sex dates before dinner dates—I propose a controversial idea:  The Orgasm Manifesto.  The female orgasm can defeat creeps and creepers and render the harassers impotent.

Don’t tell me that women don’t want an orgasm every time or need to reach orgasm to find sex fulfilling.  I do not believe it.  If orgasms didn’t matter, no woman would ever refuse sex with her man—because she would be lapping up the “closeness” and “intimacy” like a devoted dog.  Every woman should have an orgasm any time she wants it, every time.

That’s why I created The Orgasm Loop, a little piece of science meeting sex technique that can change your life.

Take your Orgasm Power, Babes.  I am woman, hear me roar when I cum.  Now that is gender power.

I want to do The Orgasm Manifesto Studies:  How Claiming Pleasure Empowers Women.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

ASK AUNTIE SUE-- Reader Questions on The Orgasm Loop, Sex Therapy and "Am I past my sell-by date?"

 
Auntie Sue's Legs, photo by Trent

 

Every now and then someone, usually a spiritual sex guru or a woman who has orgasm issues, tells me that orgasm is not that important or it’s over-rated or “Sex is about more than orgasm.”  Uh-huh.  But my email box is stuffed with questions from readers about ORGASM.

 

Q.  “My husband ordered a copy of your book The Orgasm Loop because I don’t reach orgasm very easily.  I am intimidated by the process.  How do I work my way up to it?  He is anxious for me to learn how to have orgasms more easily because our lovemaking sessions wear him down if I decide to go for the O,” Meghan, Dublin.

A.  Kisses to your husband.  I hope you appreciate him for taking the initiative in making sex better for you.  And why are you intimidated by the process?  It’s not that hard.  If you ever learned how to ride a bicycle or even walk in stilettos, you can figure this out.  I created the technique in response to women’s repeated question, “How can I have an orgasm during intercourse (without using my hands)?”  I spent four years playing around with O Loop until I got it right; and then it was tested by over 500 women, most of whom made it work.  Whether you use your hands (or a vibrator) or go for the No-Hands experience, O Loop will give you more intense orgasms.  Absolutely!

The Orgasm Loop has three areas, roughly comparable to Mind/Body/Spirit:  Visualize your sexual arousal.  Use breathing and PC flexing techniques to increase and sustain arousal.  Energy focus—concentrate on bringing all your energy into your genitals until you feel the fires of passion burning there.  That may sound esoteric, but give it a chance.

Sadie Faye wrote a review on lemondrop.com explaining how the technique worked for her:  The Orgasm Loop:  Self-Help That Really Works.  Write and tell me how it works for you.

(You can also find the short form of O Loop in The Sex Bible for Women, The Orgasm Bible and The Little Book of Big Orgasm)

 

Q. “My wife thinks we need to go to sex therapy because 1.  I want sex “too much” and 2.  She doesn’t have orgasms.  Will sex therapy help us?  How do I find the right therapist?”  JG, 43, Atlanta.

A.  Why don’t you buy her one of my books and turn her on to The Orgasm Loop?  That will solve problem number 2, which may in turn solve problem number 1 because she will likely want sex more often if it is more satisfying to her.

The success rates for sex, marital and couples therapists is not high.  Even some couples who report success in therapy say their gains are eroded a year or more later.  Dr. Patti Britton, who created sex coaching, says, “Therapists start at the outer layers of the problem.  You will spend a lot of sessions talking about your parents, your hang-ups, attitudes, belief systems, the breakdown of household chores—before you get to the sex.  A sex coach starts with the sex.  Think of a dart board.  We aim for the Bulls Eye, the sex life in the center.  Fix the sex and the other areas of relationship will get better too.”

Try O Loop and a sex coach or a sex therapist who also acts as a coach.  Keep me posted.

 

Q.  “I am in my early sixties and trim, fit, active, but I haven’t had sex in two years.  I’ve had four dinner dates with a man who is getting affectionate and hinting at sex.  Frankly, I’m scared, intrigued, but scared.  It wasn’t that great the last time—and the time before that.  I am too dry, self-conscious about the little sags and bags and wrinkles and unsure of my sexual skills.  Am I past my sell-by date in the sexual marketplace?”  Ginny.

A.  Ginny, if you are desirous of sex, you are not “too old” to have it.  

As women we compare ourselves to the ideal bodies in glossy magazines and on big screens.  Not even the models and actresses look that good without a lot of help from their teams.  Worse, older women imagine every younger woman as physical perfection when the truth is many younger women have more sags, bags and fat than older women who have remained “trim, fit and active” do.  Banish those images and thoughts.  Look at yourself in the mirror and focus on the good bits.

Some other practical tips:  Buy some fabulous lingerie—and I’m not talking thongs—to make you feel like a sensuous woman.  Use a vaginal moisturizing product like Replens on a regular basis and find a lubricant or oil that works for you during lovemaking.  Check out the sex tips in the categories on the right hand side of the blog:  Sex Wardrobe Basics and The Sex Tip of the Day.  (And, of course, darling, buy my books.)  If you don’t own a Rabbit vibrator or another internal vibe, get one because masturbating with it will help condition your vagina.

Then let him seduce you.  If he’s good at that, the rest will follow because you’re prepared for pleasure.  Please don’t forget to send me the details.

 copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

SWINGING RULES, "CHEATING", AND THE SEXUAL INSECURITIES OF WOMEN--A Conversation With M

 
Photo Credit:  "Lovers" by Hearts

 

I “met” M on Facebook and he quickly became my go-to guy on swinging and group sex and anal penetration.  A swinger with his ex-wife for several years, he jokes that he is known in the California sex community as AssMaster.  His primer on anal intercourse is the best I’ve ever read—and very supportive and empowering of women.  He brings intelligence, humor and a fresh perspective to sex talk.  This week we’ve had a dialogue inspired by two posts, Monday's Ask Auntie Sue and "How many times have you been properly in love?"  

M—

You posed the question if a married person can be a decent affair paramour if they were not in a stable marriage. Well, the short answer is that I'm not sure exactly what you mean by a stable marriage, but I do have some experiences to share.

In the swinging lifestyle, MOST people give LIP SERVICE to being totally horrified by the idea of "affairs" where any of the participants has a spouse/significant other that is not fully aware of and consenting to their partner’s play. Various couples define that differently: some call it  “cheating” if they are all sharing a bed and their partner engages in some play in the morning before their spouse wakes up, even if they were all playing the night before. Many call it cheating if they are not in the same room. Most would call it cheating if the spouse does not know about it, or if they broke any of their "rules". (I.e., if they have a no anal rule and they have anal with a playmate, I've heard that called “cheating”. Same with breaking the condom rule.)

I won't go into details about how much the vocalization of "no cheating by swingers" differs from reality other than to note that in my personal awareness, the cheating was rampant among swingers who were getting unapproved action behind their spouses back.

SexyPrime—

Did you cheat,, M?

M—

During my marriage, I never played without my wife's knowledge, and I have no reason to believe that she played without my knowledge...BUT we each repeatedly found ourselves as the other person playing with a swinger behind their spouse's back. What I typically heard from the women I played with (and not just the one's that were cheating), is that their husband's tried to exercise entirely too much control over who they played with, including several of them that said that their husband VETOED anyone he thought they were actually really into.

SexyPrime—

You can’t swing without a partner.  So what do you do now?

M—

Married women!  In recent years, both in the lifestyle, and in my "vanilla" dating, I've made the odd observation that most of the women who are into me are married, including my last five significant relationships both before and since my divorce. While four of those women are still married, and two of them appear to be making renewed efforts to make their marriages work, I would not describe ANY of those marriages as stable, yet those five affairs with women in unstable marriages were five of the hottest relationships I've ever enjoyed. In particular, I've noted that a middle aged woman in an unhappy marriage will try ANYTHING sexually. They are usually both angry and bored with their sex life, and once they decide to cross the line of infidelity, they have no rules.

That last part is a lot of the attraction for ME...I still don't understand why the women that are attracted to me seem to be mostly married, but I'm good with that.

.SexyPrime—

I can see where you would be the place to go when a woman has decided to let go and try anything.  How do you compare female swingers with vanilla women?

M—

As a group, swinger women are more insecure about their sexual skills than their vanilla sisters. I think the primary reason for that is that vanilla women generally have very few chances (not counting porn) to see other women having sex. Swinger women see other women squirting, or deep throating, or enjoying anal, or making their husband moan in ecstacy, and it makes them feel like they have shortcomings. Vanilla women don't see that so they have no reason to doubt their skills.

It is easy for women to discount what they see in porn, as they should...harder to discount watching a woman from six inches away who is bouncing on your husband's cock and taking the whole thing when you can’t, like the young woman who wrote to Auntie Sue this week.

SexyPrime—

Yes, when I sent you her letter and pictures for consultation, you immediately saw the pics as their kit for posting on swing sites—and said the young woman’s insecurity about her skills was normal.  

M—

I thought the letter did in fact read like a youngish swinger woman who is excited about their sexual experimentation, and is feeling a bit intimidated by other women who can take all of her man's cock when she can't—a situation compounded by her insecurity over the rarity of his orgasms which I addressed in my letter to you about the rarity of my own orgasms.

SexyPrime—

But do you really think swingers have superior skills?
I don’t have your insider perspective, but I have been the voyeur/journalist at swing parties and sex clubs, but  I don't recall being knocked out by the skill level of most of the people I saw, men or women.
One party at a house in a Dallas suburb was like a trip back in time—big hair, fake nails and boobs, extreme tans on both sexes. I expected the Herb Tarlek character from "WKRP" to step from behind a drape any minute. And lots of sexual posing! I am sure there were more faked orgasms in that room than in the average suburban neighborhood on any given weekend.
But, yes, I can see that it would all look different if you were a young woman watching someone else take all your husband's cock when you couldn't.

M—

I do NOT assume that swinging women are more skilled than vanilla women. ON AVERAGE, swinging women have a more varied degree of experience, and many of them seem quite insecure about their sexual skills compared to vanilla women, Many vanilla women who could really stand to read your column and take some good advice, have an inflated opinion of their sexual skills.

I've often been told that many men THINK they are very skilled, and are not. Since men are not my preferred sexual partners, I can only say that is what women tell me, and I assume it is true. I have just observed that among vanilla women, their skills and their belief in their skills has little correlation, much like what I hear about men.

SexyPrime—

Yes, I hear the same thing from men and women:  S/he doesn’t know she s/he is doing in bed.  Often they are the same people who spout the doctrine of soul mate/sexual spirituality love in which technique is de-emphasized.  People, if you don’t have game, you can’t open that soul portal.  Technique allows the emotions to connect.

Otherwise, there’s a lot of faking going on, in the name of god or otherwise.

M—

Oh don't even get me started about the posing and faking at big swing parties and clubs. And while the fake nails and missile tits get a lot of attention, the most bizarre was the mainstreaming of "stripper shoes", i.e. completely ridiculous high heels, often transparent.

I have always considered the larger parties and swing clubs to be the Lowest Common Denominator of group sex for the reasons you cited. On one occasion, at a major swing club near San Diego (that is no longer in business), I was in the orgy room (which was essentially seven mattresses side by side with a walk space at one end) and I noticed that there were 14 people fucking, and it was as 7 couples with all 7 of them doing missionary. The larger crowds tended toward the most conventional sexual expression.

Smaller groups lead to more experimentation and more serious pleasuring. The sweet spot seems to be the range of between two and six people in the room. More than that and it breaks into couples doing the simplest acts while trying not to get kicked in the head by other couples.

It bothers me that a group (theoretically) open to non-monogamous group sex can be so incredibly narrow in their sexual range...and even look down on the "freaks" who were more experimental. Many couples had elaborate sets of rules that barred them from trying anything creative with their non-spousal playmates.

I love swinging, and many of the wonderful people I’ve met among swingers, but I could never adopt the Polyanna view of swinging that so many swingers espouse. Some of the nastier aspects of swinging are very common and any couple that goes there should be aware of them, and not be blindsided by the utopian rhetoric of many self-appointed spokespeople in the lifestyle.

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

 

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Men Don't Feel Desired, Sex Makes Us Happy, He Says She Doesn't Fake--and other favorite sex science stories, 2010

 
Photo Credit:  "Merry Sexy Christmas" on Photobucket

 

2010 was a very good year for sex science geeks like me.  We finally got a big American sex survey that didn't sound like the data was collected by untrained housewives hired by a right wing Christian organization.  (Among other things, the survey says women still fake orgasm and men say, "not in my bed, she doesn't.")  There is very encouraging news in the battle against the AIDS epidemic.  fMRI scans continue to show us how the brain works, including where it lights up in orgasm.  While some clit loyalists will never accept this:  An orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm in a woman's brain, no matter how she got it, from clitoral stimulation through "thinking off" and including vaginal stimulation alone.

Two of my favorite studies aren't really about sex:

Writing in The New York Times on November 15, 2010, in "When The Mind Wanders, Happiness Also Strays" John Tierney reports on a study that concludes day-dreamers are depressed.  In making their case, the authors report that the happiest people are in the midst of having sex--an activity on which they are truly focused.  (Well, duh....)

But on June 28, 2010, John Tierney wrote "Discovering the Virtues of a Wandering Mind" on a study conducted by another group of scientists.  They found that daydreamers had more creative minds.  Pick the conclusion of your choice.  I'm going with parts of both:  "creative" and happily into sex. Science at its finest.

I reported on the news from South Africa about a vaginal gel that in trials prevented up to 54% of HIV infections with an average of 39%.  It also reduces risks of herpes transmission.  Now comes word that a daily pill in trials on gay men has lowered the risk of AIDS by up to 90%.  The Times article is your most accessible introduction to the study reported in The New England Journal of Medicine (linked in the article.)

I reported on the sex science story that touched me deeply in "Men and Their Missing Sense of Desire."  So many men wrote to saying they hadn't felt desired by a woman in a long time--and sometimes never had felt that.  If you missed this post, read it now.  (How often does a science story include a bit of erotica?  This one does.)

I've posed several sex science questions in the last few months--and will have the answers for you before the end of the year.

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"ACTING OUT" ORGASM--And Men Fake (uhm, "Act Out") Too

 
Photo Credit:  "Red Umbrella" on Photobucket

 

"I don't fake orgasm.  I fake the pleasure experience," said a petite 22 year old blonde New York University student.

You have to give today's college women credit for this:  They may be as conflicted about masturbation, as insecure about their bodies and confused about male sexuality (and their own) as their Mamas were, but they won't wear the label "fakes orgasm."

 Hip to the language, psychologists at the University of Kansas in a studyasked nearly 300 college students, 180 women and 101 men, whether they had done something similar to "pretending to orgasm"--and how would they describe it and when did they do it. The phrase of choice;  "acting out orgasm."  Two-thirds of the women and 25% of the men admitted they had, most often during intercourse.  Their reasons were exactly the same their Mamas and Grandmamas give for faking O:  To end the sex and spare his (or her) feelings.

According to the report--

"The participants who faked shared a common sexual script in which both genders feel pressure to orgasm during intercourse, with the woman orgasming first. In some cases, people are so wedded to this script they pass up the chance to orgasm for real in order to fake orgasm at the 'right' time. The study found that 20 percent of the women pretended to orgasm because their partner seemed about to.

"Some of the women wrote that they actually could have orgasmed, but they chose a pretend orgasm in the right sequence — before or during the man's orgasm — rather than an actual orgasm in the wrong sequence."

A few generations ago the prevailing sexual myth was Simultaneous Orgasms with women faking theirs as he had his.  Then Baby Boom women demanded oral equality; and cunnilingus is now a required sex skill for enlightened men.  So that myth has been replaced by Either/Or/Both, She Comes First, They Come Together. 

Many women of various ages have told me that they fake the "she comes first" cunnilingus orgasm either out of embarrassment that "he's been down there so long without making it happen" or "it just wasn't going to happen" due to his lack of skill or her inability to relax or both.  Many experts, of course, blame our goal-oriented, female orgasm-focused society.  When they say to women, "Don't make orgasm the goal, just enjoy the sex"--I hear echoes of these words said softly by generations of women past:  "I don't care about orgasm, I just want the intimacy."

"I don't care about orgasm" is a lie.  If it were true, then women wouldn't stop wanting non-orgasmic sex with their husbands.  Gleeful in their "intimacy," they would say YES! every time.  Statistics show us that is not true.  Women turn off to sex more than often than men do.  I believe they shut down because they are tired of becoming aroused, only to be let down without release.  Simple as that.  Sadly, if both partners were less inhibited (and wed to their script) and more playful, she would always have her orgasm, one way or another, before, during or after his. 

The Kansas psychologists are on to something.  They have identified the problem:  It's not that a woman can't have an orgasm, but that she (like her partner) considers sex a performance art with acting a good orgasm at the proper time preferable to having a real one in real time.  Orgasms matter.  Keep playing until she has one.

THE SCIENCE QUESTION OF THE DAY:

Have you ever foregone the pleasure of a real orgasm to act out/fake one at the "right" time?

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THE SCIENCE OF SEXUAL PLEASURE--Why Are Some Men and Women Threatened by the Neuroscience?

  

Photo Credit:  "Illustration" by mayaluz on Photobucket 

 

 

Just when you think the Madonna/Whore syndrome might be fading into the past, it rears its two heads again.  I have been thinking a lot about MW dynamic the past few days--and about the root cause, fear of female sexuality.  Many men--and nearly all my SexyPrime guy readers--love female sexuality and enjoy satisfying their women to the fullest extent.  But a lot of other guys out there...

When a journalist reports on sex science research concluding or suggesting that women's capacity for sexual pleasure is greater than men's--some people write indignant responses.  And the people aren't always men, though it was a (fairly obnoxious) man yesterday who cited his reason for refuting Dr. Grace Gniazdowska's Facebook post on neuroscience studies of female orgasm in the brain.  He concluded that men have the greater sex drive, i.e. capacity for sexual pleasure, because most prostitutes are women and most clients are men.

There is so much wrong with his statement that taking it on would be a long post in itself. (Dr. Grace was kind to him.  I would have kicked his ass.)

Dr. Grace referred to the fMRI studies of orgasm in the female brain.  I have written about them in several posts, including "If I Say It Feels Good, It Feels Good."   (Check out The Orgasm Dialogues and The Science of Sex, both categories full of good information on the science as well as the psychology of orgasm.) The science shows that some women come via vaginal penetration alone, that even fewer women can "think off"--reach orgasm without touching--, that some women with spinal cord injuries and no feeling below the waist can experience orgasm in the brain--and more.  The brain lights up in orgasm in exactly the same places no matter how the orgasm was achieved.

The more studies researchers conduct on women's sexual pleasure, the more we learn what many of us already knew:  Women are more orgasmic than men, orgasmic through more pathways than men, and can sustain their orgasmic abilities (and pleasures) into old age.

What holds many of us back from doing that?  Negative sex attitudes--women's and men's.  Ignorance.  Misinformation.  Fear of touching one's genitals, of masturbation, of vibrators.  Societal values--and that's where the Madonna/Whore comes into play.

In America, we like our Mamas fat and sexless.  Re-virginized Marys in volumnious robes.  Even young men dictate how much skin their girlfriends will show in public.  On the subway one day, I watched a boy of perhaps 19 button up the sweater on his girlfriend who appeared the same age.  As he buttoned, he chastised her for "showing."  She was hardly indecent, with a hint of cleavage when he took the buttons into his own hands.  I wanted her to slap his hand away, but she submitted like an obedient child.

I've been counseling a SexyPrime reader this past week.  His marriage is hanging in shreds because his wife suffered a severe infection, initiated by an untreated Sexually Transmitted Infection/Disease.  He claims to have had one brief fling with a neighbor (who "wasn't infected with anything") and a lap dance from a stripper.  Yes, he blames the stripper--because his wife "would never cheat", the suburban Mom lover couldn't be "dirty" so blame the stripper against all reason.  Again, there is so much wrong with that theory, it would take a long post to refute it.  The Madonna/Whore.  The Wife/The Stripper.  The Good/The Bad.

"At this point," I told him, "you both need to tell the truth, not to blame, but to explain."

And someone should sue her doctor who didn't even speak directly to the husband, much less tell him to get tested and if necessary treated.

So much holds women back from experiencing our own pleasure to the fullest--including other women.  Read my post "Angry Women, Missing Orgasms".   Be thankful for your orgasms, however you get them.  And be generous in your judgments of others.

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DIARY OF AN AFFAIR, Part Three, The Domination Tests

Photo Credit:  "Nipple clamps in place" on the Babeland.com site 

 

“You will clamp your nipples this morning as you shower and you will describe how it feels in detail.  I’m thinking of how you are going to please me when we are together.   I want you to take my cock all the way down your throat.”

I had planned in this post to pick up Sir X’s fantasy in “Diary of an Affair,” Part Two, beginning with him coming into the hotel room to find me bare-assed with a variety of implements nearby. That inspired an interesting email exchange between us.  He has asked me to bring the following toys and implements from Babeland to our rendezvous in D.C. next week:  the Medium Pink Flogger, Candy Apple wrist restraints, rope, the Mona vibe, TWO, Pink Vibrating Nipple Clamps, Protouch Plug, Squeel—and purchase a wooden spoon and wooden hair brush with natural bristles.  Now I will wait to write about what happens to that ass (and the rest of me) until I can report on the experience, not imagine it.

We have moved rather quickly to a new place.  A week ago he wrote:

“Susan,

You are mine now.  I will treat you with the respect you deserve.  You have my permission to maintain your current relationships with the two lucky men that are privileged to enjoy your female delights.  But you must tell me what goes on when you have them.  If you don't there will be consequences.

You now need to tell me what items of pain and pleasure you have.  You also must keep a camera with you at all times.  You are going to take the pictures I tell you to take. 

If you agree with this we can continue.

X”

I almost can't breathe.

Yes, I do agree.

I love this.  I am his.  I want him to give me orders.  My pussy is engorged just thinking about it.  

“I intensely desire to see you right now, partially unclothed, squeezing your breasts and nipples.  I am feeling the power exchange—and my desire to tease and torment you with both denial of the sex you want and the intense sensations of pain at the same time is very strong.  My testicles are in pain with the need to explode deep, deep inside you as your cunt spasms tight around my cock.

“I am so fucking hard right now.  My cock is throbbing against this lap pad my laptop is on.

“Tomorrow morning, I will send you the first Rules of the Day.

”I am in charge of your sexual release now.  You may not have an orgasm unless I permit it.  Do not masturbate unless I give you permission to do so.”

First shopping list:

“Pink leather flogger to strap you ass;

Wooden hairbrush, must have natural fibers which I  drag across your breasts, especially your hard, erect nipples.

Wooden spoon to spank your pussy.”

First order:

“Take two ice cubes and hold them against your nipples for four minutes.  Tell me how it feels.”

Second order, that day:

“Put two wash clothes in the basin and fill with hot water.  Put the ice cubes on your nipples for four minutes.  Now squeeze water out of the clothes and apply them to your nipples.  Tell me how it feels.”

 

It is exquisitely exciting to do what he tells me to do.  My nipples burned and went numb by the fourth minute.  In the second exercise the warmth brought them painfully back to feeling—like the nipple clamp coming off, only softer, different.  Oh, god, I wanted to masturbate, but I didn’t.

He sent a video of him masturbating to ejaculation.

“Your reward for being a pleasing obedient woman.  You may not play this until tomorrow morning

“You may not masturbate until you have watched the video three times,  or you may watch as much as you want but you must wait 90 minutes to touch yourself.  I want you squeezing your breasts, pinching and rolling your nipples, and you must use the ice cubes on your nipples when you masturbate to this video.”

I am thrilling to the idea of him being in charge.  The video is so hot.  I felt intimately connected to his cock watching it work toward ejaculation; and I wanted that cum everywhere.  No wonder we instantly trusted one another and felt such an immediate connection.  His suppressed dominant and my repressed submissive recognized each other at "hello." 

I can barely breath when I think about all the things he will do to me, how he will tease and torment—and own— my body and then bring me to such a level of extreme pleasure.  I fantasize looking into his eyes as he torments my nipples and I almost orgasm at both the anticipation of the pain and the excitement of sharing the experience with hin so intimately--and, of course, the intensity of the ultimate pleasure.  

This morning, I put on the clover clamps—wicked—and walked around in them for about five minutes until my nipples were numb.  Then I tugged the chain, automatically tightening their grip and gasped.  So much for numb.  I got into the shower.  Running first cold, then hot, then cold again water over my clamped nipples brought them stingingly back to life.  Out of the shower, I unclamped them and almost cried out from the sudden intense pain--a pain I felt in my groin, tickling its way into my pussy.  God I wanted him to be the one unclamping them..  I put the flats of my palms against my nipples to feel the heat and then held them throbbing between my fingertips.  I wanted his fingers on them.  

Afterward, I couldn't get him out of my head........

and there is something else I have to acknowledge:  I am drawn to this man on so many levels;  I "get" him.  I like him.  I know who he is, one of those men, long married to or involved with a woman who isn't interested in his body anymore, if she ever was.  They are the men whose dog persona is more "whipped" than "dawg!" pulling after work into the parking lots of Hooters, Fridays, Houliahans, Ruby Tuesdays--into the strip clubs and the sports bars-- no longer looking for love, yet still longing, even if their desire is buried deep.  The firm young female flesh on display connects them with their youth, when last they felt desired. 

He called one night from Hooters where he was supposed to meet a friend for a drink.  "I was so late, he'd left already.  Here I am alone drinking a beer and looking at, well, the hooters.  These girls are so young.  If I flirt with them, I think, This isn't right..."

"I want you so much; I want to do so many things to you, but I also....I want to talk to you. I really do."

 

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DIARY OF AN AFFAIR, Part Two: You Tell me Yours and I'll Tell You Mine

  Photo Credit:  "Sexy Woman" by Michael Vahle on Photobucket

 

My fantasy lover is the really smart guy--the enlightened man who does not have some major issues with women--who can be the intelligent sex beast I crave behind closed doors—and, yes, I would like it if he were also sweet, funny and adorable sometimes too and could hold me tenderly and make me giggle.

I want him to thrust as deeply as he can into every orifice, to claim me, to leave his mark, but not to ask if he can—to take because he knows I am his on some deep primal level that has nothing to do with domestic arrangements.

So this man I told you about last week in Diary of an Affair, part one, my Facebook contact/fantasy man?:  We email.  We talk.  He sends me photographs and fantasies.  I confess my desires.  We walk around a thousand miles apart swollen for one another.  I have a gallery of his photos on the desktop; and I find myself clicking them open more than once a day.  Oh, god, I love chest hair.

Some emails:

“I want your mouth around my cock.  I want to hold your head down as I thrust into your mouth, pinching and tugging on your ears, pulling your hair.”

We recognize something in the other that we both need and want that will fulfill us in ways past experiences have not.  We are both looking for an intense, wild ride with the right person—yes? Instinctively, we trust one another.  We're not fools so we must be on to something.

“YES, YES, YES!”

I want you to indulge your secret fantasies as well as mine--and make me GASP.......

He wrote this story:

It all began as a normal, random act of Facebook.  I clicked on a  suggestion to "add as friend.”  With that click, we connected. We both jumped off the proverbial cliff without even looking down to make sure there was water to land in.

She calls from the airport terminal and says, “I made a reservation at Proof.” Excited does not do justice to the emotions enveloping me.  I am ninety minutes away from the first time physical meeting that has been nearly two months in planning.  This is an affair of texts and phone calls and release in separate acts of masturbation.  And now… I jump in the shower, again, only cold water which does nothing to reduce the energy that is pulsating throughout my body.  The flow of the water across my head does give my mind some diverting white noise.  I use this as a calming mantra.  Without it, I feel that I will spontaneously combust.

I exit the Hay Adams Hotel, her choice, and hail down a taxi, tell the driver the location and wait.  As I pass through the restaurant door I am already scanning the room, looking to see if she is here yet.  This is a good time and place for the first meeting, mid-afternoon, the lunch crowd gone, the staff unhurriedly setting up for dinner, only two tables occupied.  I ask for the reservation under the agreed upon name.  He tells me I am the first to arrive and calls a waitress to take me to the table.   I sit facing the door, because I do not want to miss her entrance.  It feels like an eternity, but only about ten minutes pass before I see her come through the door.

One of the rules in an affair, she said, is no PDA's or Public Displays of Affections.  Instead of jumping up from the table and rushing over like a happy puppy, I remain seated as she makes her way toward me.  I stand and extend my hand to shake hers, but she pulls me into a hug.  She whispers into my ear, "I'm not wearing panties."  Fewer, better words are ever heard by a man, in a public place, said by a woman he wants to ravish.  We order some appetizers and a bottle of wine and try to make it look like we're having an afternoon business meeting, but the only thing on my mind is getting her naked and plunging my cock deep inside her pussy.

Eating the appetizers seductively, we stare at each other, both wanting to rip clothes off and get down and dirty.  We talk in suggestive comments.  She gets up to go to the bathroom and returns with her blouse unbuttoned further down—and no bra.  I see the round edges of her breasts and her swollen nipples easily visible through the silk.  She holds her hand up to my face and says, “Breathe deeply.”   The smell of her sexual arousal is delicious.

“You’re being very naughty,” I say.  “I might have to provide some education in proper behavior to you.”

Her aquamarine eyes burn hot and her lips part in a sultry way suggesting she wants that teaching.  She has confided her desires to me—and she wants to be dominated by a lover who expects her to take his cock any time, any way he wants to thrust it into her, a strong man who understands the judicious use of erotic pain.  No holds barred, she wrote, no topping from below, push my erotic limits. My swollen cock presses against my pants.  I ask for the check and she excuses herself for the ladies room again.  When I sign the receipt and follow in her direction, I see that the ladies room door is slightly open.  She is standing just inside the door, her blouse completely open.  Checking to be sure no one is watching, I entered the bathroom.

I put my hands around her on her lower back, pull her in close and nuzzle her neck and kiss her deeply.  We’ve been waiting so long for this. She grasps my belt.  I withdrew from the kiss and move us toward the handicap stall, more room to maneuver.

“I can’t wait any longer,” I say.  “I must have you now."

In the corner of the stall so we can use the hand rails, I put my mouth on her breast.  I cover her hard nipples, first one, then the other with my lips and suck and tease them with my teeth before biting down on them.  She lets out a low soft moan.  I open my lips and flick one erect nipple with my tongue while squeezing and twisting the other one—hard.  She gasps.  I put one hand went below her skirt, slide ut up the back of her leg.  She shivers.  I bite her nipple again.  Lifting the skirt, I alternately caress and sqeeze the curve of her bare ass, while firmly twisting, pulling and pinching her nipple with the other hand.

I push her to her knees.  With trembling hands, she pulls down my pants and underpants in one quick move. She wastes no time in sliding her lips around my throbbing cock.  The warmth and moistness of her mouth and tongue make my cock even harder.  She sucks, simultaneously swirling her tongue around the head.  I don't want this to stop, but I can wait no longer to be deep inside her. 

I pull her up and wrap her compliant arms around my neck as I raise her skirt and grab hold her ass cheeks.  She is totally open to anything I want to do with her.  I lift her up and wedge her in the corner, slightly resting her on the hand rails.  I watch as she guides my cock into her pussy.   Omigod how incredible it feels… my cock parting her drenched pussy lips.  She is so hot inside, giving off more heat in her silky wetness than my cock has ever felt inside of a woman.  I feel every fold of flesh as my cock penetrates deeper into her.  She wraps her legs around me and pulls me in tighter.  We furiously thrust against each other.  In mere seconds, we are both enveloped by waves of orgasm—but they were seconds that have been held in check for many weeks. 

As we leave Proof, the staff tells us, “Please come again soon.”

 

NEXT WEEK, SUSAN PICKS UP THE FANTASY.  SHE IS WAITING FOR HIM IN HIS HOTEL ROOM WHEN HE RETURNS FROM A MEETING.  AN OPENING TEASER:

He calls up from the lobby.  I check the coffee table to be sure everything is  ready for him to choose.  A pink leather flogger, the old soft belt I pulled from his jeans, a wooden hairbrush, a thin whippy cane, a wooden spoon, a plastic spatula.  What will he use?  And will he use more than one implement?  My breathing is shallow, erratic.  I am fevered.  A feeling of erotic dread builds in he pit of my stomach, sending out fiery tentacles to ignite my genitals.  I want this.  Whatever he will do.  I want.

I step out of my skirt and lean forward, resting my elbows on the arm of the sofa.  With my feet in four inch heels as wide apart as I can make them, I thrust my ass back and out, to greet him.  I hear his key in the door...

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