Photo: A steel sculpture by Frederico Schiaffino on the grounds of the Castello Brown Museum above the harbor of Portofino.
If you don’t believe that women are more complicated (difficult?) sexually than men are—try putting the same and similar questions to groups of men and women. I’ve been doing this sort of thing for over two decades and sixteen books. The men are frank, often vulnerable and charming, sometimes funny. Many women match them. But some cannot answer simple questions without delivering caustic moral lectures, maybe disguised as relationship lessons. The rush to judgment discourages some women (not me) from ever speaking their sexual truths.
Men have a laissez faire attitude about other men’s sex lives. But there will always be women who have to let you know that they think you’re being “juvenile” or “crazy” if you’re into cock or that your questions are all “shallow and superficial!”—or—
“Ridiculous! Why would you want to see another color of penis?”
Dear righteous sisters, thank you for taking time out from stitching Scarlet As to let me know that “A man is more than his penis! He has a mind, heart and soul!”
Well, who knew?
121 women responded to this quick post; and most were refreshingly candid, even admitting how much they lie to men. 98 came from my private list, interviews, gal pals, a few new Facebook contacts. They represent a range of ages and races, incomes and education backgrounds—as well as single, married, divorced, polyamorous and swinging.
Babes, I love, honor—and thank you.
#1 THE MYTH OF THE BIG BLACK PENIS, PART ONE
Women, especially black women, don’t buy into this one. Only fifteen women said yes, black men are bigger—and I know that at least nine are white women.
A 23 year old black woman wrote: "Black men are somewhat obsessed with their cocks; and they can make you believe they’re bigger until you cross the race line. You don’t have to lie to a black man to build his ego. It’s built."
My favorite response comes from a writer living in the Virgin Islands: "No, but they like to let it swing around in their pants to give that general impression."
#2 THE MYTH OF THE BIG BLACK PENIS, PART TWO
The big question: If you’ve had sexual relations with men of different races—did you observe a difference in cock size relating to race?
Overwhelmingly—59 to 9—the women said: No. Size varies according to individual men, not race.
"I’ve known men of Asian, white and black races who all have impressive packages," reported a 40 year old swinger.
A well-traveled lady from the Midwest "encountered one disappointment. The black man was 6'4" and built like a brick house. His penis was 3-4 inches." (Years ago, I had a similarly disappointing experience with a man that size; he was white.)
Women wrote about short men of different races who were incredibly well-endowed and large men with disappointing little ones: "so the size of the man doesn’t seem to be any in-dick-ation either."
While one woman swore she only liked the penis in "raw pinkness," another eloquently described the appeal of the ebony cock:
"I do like LOOKING at a nice black dick much better than any other race. Even the most powerful and commanding white cock kind of makes me giggle, but a black cock always looks like it means business."
#3. WHAT MAKES IT “SPECIAL”?
The man attached! Yes, that was answer #1. Women also cited size, quality of erection, "color," girth, pubic maintenance and, size again. (Babes, size does come up somewhere in every question. Have you noticed?)
A few women did get very specific in describing a special shape, like this one: "The most intriguing cock I’ve ever had is kind of baseball-bat shaped, actually thinner at the base, rising up to thicker starting about halfway up. It’s odd to look at and sometimes scary because I’m afraid I’ll snap it, but hot damn, it’s intriguing and it feels amazing everywhere I’ve had it."
That is special.
#4 and #5. SIZE DOESN’T MATTER—UNLESS IT’S TOO SMALL (OR TOO BIG)—AND, YES, "I LIE."
104 women said: Size does matter.
A young wife: "Size is more important when you’re single and looking for hot fucks. Marriage is about what he does with what he’s got."
Size really matters in terms of girth. A thick average is better than a long thin one.
A Canadian swears size doesn’t matter "that much" except "If he he is small and doesn’t know what positions work best—If his dick keeps flying out of you—it’s an issue."
From a Texas divorcee: "Size is important! But a cock doesn’t need to be porn star enormous. Anything over 6 inches, erect. That’s good."
But the ladies add, Not Too Big: "I really like one that’s not huge so I can ride the hell out of it without my cervix screaming for mercy. With a large cock, I can’t ride to orgasm because it hurts so much."
A black woman living in Harlem: "Large cocks have a certain swagger." Adds another, "It’s a third leg with a life of its own—but just because it’s large doesn’t mean it’s amazing."
And a London Babe explains why size matters: "In a cruel twist of fate, men with small penises often feel less confident in the bedroom, and this is reflected in their performance."
Maybe that’s why 93 women admit: "I lie."
A young jazz singer: "Of course, if the guy has a small cock, you pretend that it doesn’t matter. Sometimes, depending on his overall technique, it doesn’t."
A math professor: "I have often told guys with average size cocks that they are bigger than most. It aides performance."
Some women lie for the rest of us: "I’ve lied, but not about size. I’ll make up something about how special he is. Even if he’s not for me, it’s one for my sisters, you know? I gave him the extra boost to please the next woman."
The best lie: "It’s not your dick; it’s my pussy. She’s a fat cat."
#6. COME DURING INTERCOURSE—OR FAKE IT?
29 women reported that they do reach orgasm during intercourse with no direct clitoral stimulation. That number is fairly representative of women in general.
*Most studies report that two-thirds of women will not reach orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation. Some studies put that number as high as 75%. A few sexologists insist that no women reach orgasm without clit play—because in some women, the clitoral nerve endings extend into the vagina, explaining the “vaginal” orgasm. Bottom line for the majority of women: Touch your clit or use a small vibe because one day you will tire of faking it and tell him the tragic truth.
A tip from a satisfied wife: "I come during intercourse when we use a vibrating ring -- slid down his shaft -- or when I’m on top in reverse cowgirl or on my back with deep penetration -- positions where I get friction on my clit."
Some women use the The Orgasm Loop or at least the PC flexing and Tantric breathing techniques, though one said, "Yes, I come in a muted sort of way if I breathe and flex but it’s a slow burn, not an explosion." (Try O Loop! Adding the other components will change the dynamic. You'll burn faster.)
Why do so many men continue to believe that women come during intercourse with them?
111 women out of 121 admitted to faking intercourse Os at least occasionally. (The other ten may be lying.)
*By the way, the research shows: Ending the sex is the #1 reason women fake. They're tired and they know they're not coming so they fake the big O.
A wife of ten years: "I have faked far too many intercourse orgasms; and I had better not say any more."
And this poignant comment: "There’s a sweet man in Philadelphia who thinks he drives me wild with his dick…I’m a screamer when I fake, actually quieter when I really come."
#7. DICK-MATIZED? YES!!
21 women have been dick-matized. I am not alone. (You are dick-matized when you are really into a particular dick, but the man, it’s life support system, not so much.) 34 women said: No, but it sounds interesting. One said: "No and I’m not all that enamored with dicks either."
The state of dick-matization can end abruptly. "I was addicted for a long time... but finally had to merge the man & his cock... and realized that no matter how awesome the dick is, if it's attached to a 'dick' then it's no good for me!" (Amen, Sister, I have been there.)
Sometimes it lasts forever: "My husband’s cock is one of the reasons I married him. I love the size, shape, color….I love it all."
Often a woman is dick-matized but in such denial that she calls it love. "The man and the dick are one for me. But maybe that’s my brain rationalizing that if I’m that into his cock, I must be into the man."
My favorite story of dick-tamization: "I was once with a guy who completely 'dick-whipped' me. I called his penis the Jedi Light Saber, like it had magical Jedi powers over me. Great orgasms! And it was beautiful to look at-- perfect length, straight, proud, and attached to a gorgeous body. We had incredible chemistry and therefore, incredible sex."
Incredible chemistry with the right dick is... incredible.
No problem--love this question, S
Most experts now concede that, in the great vaginal-clitoral debate, orgasm is really triggered by the clitoris, one way or another. The part of the clitoris we see, the little pink shaft, is not the whole story. Your clitoris sits on little legs, or cruea [sp?], and looks like a wishbone. Gangles of nerve endings extend from that. The G Spot is likely a bumch of clitoral nerve endings. In some women, the nerve network goes long and deep into the vagina, predisposing them to have "vaginal" orgasms.
To answer your question: Yes, you can train yourself to have orgasms from stimulus not directly applied to your clitoris. Quick way: Stimulate your clitoris until you are close to orgasm. Move the stimulation to your vagina. Once arousal has ebbed somewhat, go back to the clitoris. Go back and forth repeatedly until you are so aroused, you can't wait any longer--and then stroke your vagina to orgasm. It's okay if you need to use clitoral and vaginal stimulation together the first few times you try this. Keep trying. It does work--with the benefit of a stronger orgasm because of the build-up,
copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime