SexyPrime, a blog by Susan Crain Bakos

THE POWER KISS--And How Much "Permission" Does He Need To Give You One?

 Photo Credit:  "Piano Heels" on Photobucket

Many people do not know that you can witness live sex acts in New York City under the most intellectual and enlightened conditions and in a sophisticated setting.  It’s too bad they don’t know it, because, frankly most people also don’t know how to kiss well—or properly stroke a woman’s pussy—or perform any of a number of erotic acts with élan.  If you live in the city (or visit), get yourself on the Sexy Spirits mailing list and come learn something while you get titillated.  (I’ve written about the Director, Richard Anton Diaz, and his major domo, Steven Otero in many posts.  If you are a regular reader, you know how much I admire them for the work they do.)

On Thursday, I received a provisional offer of marriage, had a consultation lunch at Maxie’s Grill (on 19^th between Park and Irving) with my advisor and pal Joey, spent a few more hours drinking wine there with the fabulous Mara Altman, wearing an enviable teal jacket. author of Thank You For Coming:  One Young Woman’s Quest For An Orgasm—where we were joined in conversation by some women at the bar and wrapped the day at a kissing workshop at Sexy Spirits where I met an NYPD detective who friended me on Face Book.  (And what city babe doesn’t want a cute guy friend on the police force?)   Post-workshop, Steve and I caught up on gossip and once again asked one another, Where is Bob Berkowitz and why doesn’t he return anyone’s emails?  (If you have the answer to that, please get in touch with us.)

Let’s start with The Power Kiss—the great kiss that was not part of the opening volley in the marital negotiations. 

Reid taught the “full body kissing” (and fully clothed) workshop.  His partner in demonstration was Helena, a tiny, curvy and sensuous woman.  I wasn’t expecting sparks between them because he is the tall, somewhat geeky and overly sincere type I associate with granola, not that I don’t like eating granola but living it is another thing; and she had the appearance of a “natural” woman, no make-up, no discernable hairstyle and—yikes!—wearing faded beige cords and tennis shoes.  (Really, doesn’t a good kiss require stilettos or perfectly pedicured bare feet?) But they had chemistry; and he had the moves.  Who would have guessed?  (I must stop being so style judgmental.)

I loved the way he used various parts of his body in creative ways as he kissed her, for example, pressing his forearm and later his thigh against her vulva, using the tip and then the bridge of his nose to stroke her neck, and, of course, employing his hands as erotic tools.  He does a stroke I particularly like:  while running his hands up and down her arms or legs or back, he pauses and lightly squeezes with fingers splayed apart.  Nice.  I was un-crossing and re-crossing my legs as I imagined that hand on my inner thigh.

And now to the critical part of my workshop commentary:  Was it necessary to remind the audience (me and some single men) as Reid kept doing to stop and ask “permission” before each new erotic move?  I wouldn’t describe his full body kissing as a Power Kiss because of those interruptions.

Yes, he said, it was necessary and insinuated I didn’t understand because it’s a “generational thing”, indicating that young people in their 20s and even their 30s think this way.  He referred to the infamous 1998 Antioch College sexual behavior code requiring a male student to pause and ask for permission before each erotic escalation of the foreplay.   Created by young feminists who also equated sexual harassment with rape—demeaning the experience of rape victims—the Antioch rules and the mindset they represent contributed to the de-sexing of the American white male.  (You don’t think black and Latino guys bought into this jargon, do you?)  One might argue that the excesses of Do-Me Girls are in part a reaction against all this.

Instead of teaching men to “ask permission,” we, both women and sex educators, should be teaching them to read body language, pick up on non-verbal cues—and, of course, accept that a firm push away and “No” means NO.  (This is how Anton Diaz teaches and one of the reasons I love him.)  We should be encouraging men to upgrade their erotic skills.  As sex educators especially, we can help them find the positive power in their masculinity.  Too many educators (and feminist women) seem to regard male sexuality as that force which must be constrained.  Empowering women doesn’t come at the cost of male empowerment!

The majority of my readers of books and blog—not to mention the women and men who tell me about their sex lives at Maxie’s and other places—are in their 20s and 30s.  And what are the women telling me?

A note from that Thursday afternoon conversation:

“Woman, 28, in a relationship says, ‘I wish my boyfriend weren’t so passive.  I wish he could take charge.  I need to be put into the mood, not have him ask me meekly if I am in the mood.  When he comes across that softly, I’m not.’”

Women often don’t know they are aroused when they are.  They ignore the internal signs like increased vaginal lubrication and faster heartbeat and breathing rate.   Maybe they could be easily enticed “into the mood” with a little physical encouragement.

When a sex educator tells a man that he can’t touch his lover’s breast without asking permission, the expert is telling both of them:  Make no advances toward giving her pleasure, take no risks of rejection and stifle your sexual desires.

My lover doesn’t have to ask if he can touch my breast.  I have taken him into my body; and touching that body is the right I have given him.  I love being touched; and I don’t feel “pressured” to have intercourse every time my breast is caressed, my ass is cupped. 

How can you ever experience a Power Kiss if your lover doesn’t feel that welcome to you?

And what’s a true Power Kiss?  Read my post on The Wrist Kiss, something I learned from a French gigolo.  Start with the wrist, work your way up her arm—and she will say “Oui.”  Babes, you can also kiss his wrist.   The “permission” is all in the eyes; and the Wrist Kiss opens into the perfect French Kiss.  Add the hand moves and leave one another breathless with desire. 

 

More on the latest Maxie’s conversation Tuesday!  It was a good one.

 

 

THE BEST SEX ADVICE I EVER GAVE: With A Different Ending For The Basic Black Dress of Blow Jobs

Photo Credit: The Sex Bible for Women

People often ask:  "What is the best sex advice you ever gave?"

It must be The Basic Black Dress of Blow Jobs.  That post gets hit hundreds, sometimes thousands, of times per day on SexyPrime.  The directions include tips on swallowing.  But what if you don't want to swallow?

I Promise You:  He Won't Come In Your Mouth

3 SEX TIPS FROM A DOMINANT MALE: And She Doesn't Have To Be Submissive To Love Them

"Lips" on Photobucket

“I ask a woman to tell me her fantasies and then I write an erotic story for her,” says M.

I’ve had several conversations at my bar, Maxie’s Grill (on 19^th between Park and Irving) with M, a 50 year old dominant male in the DS subculture.  He looks like any other aging gracefully, still trim and attractive married man chatting up women in the neighborhood bar before going home at night.  Many pretty young women hang out at Maxie’s; and while most of them are looking at the pretty young men, some like older guys.   Submissive women especially find older men appealing.

Interestingly, M has been married twenty years and his wife doesn’t know about the string of young female submissives.  (“Cheating is taking something away from you wife; I don’t cheat.”) They go to occasional swing parties to liven up their sex lives.  She tells people that, as a young man in his twenties, her husband “experimented” with dominance and submission, DS—and she thinks that “makes me sound like a man with a past, more appealing,” he laughs.

M explains the difference (as he sees it) between the DS and BDSM (bondage, dominance, sadism, masochism) communities this way (which I am sure will annoy BDSM players):  “The submissive is a person.  To get her respect, the dominant male has to respect her.  In BDSM, she’s a piece of furniture.”

Another time, I will tell you about some of his antics—including the bicycle chains story which had the rapt attention of some eavesdroppers at the bar—but, for today, I asked him to give my straight/vanilla/”normal”/whatever you want to call them male readers three sex tips that work on any woman, including a babe like me who will put a stiletto to the groin of any man approaching with bicycle chains.

Here they are:

THE PRIVATE FANTASY

“Ask her to tell you her fantasies.  She probably doesn’t want to act them out as described.  You have to pay close attention to her—to who she is, not just what she’s saying.  Either write down or tell her an erotic fairy tale based on the theme of her fantasy and personalized to her.”

An example:  She fantasizes being raped.  The fairy tale version of that:  She is swept off her feet and onto a rose petal strewn bed by a powerful romantic stranger who satisfies her every desire.  Add the specifics.  If she has beautiful legs or breasts or a long swan neck—whatever she has—focus erotic attention on that.

Why it works:  Having a man pay attention to what a woman says is flattering and very sexy.  Too many men consider a conversation that verbal event where they talk about themselves while she listens. 

THE LONG TEASE

“Men have watched too much porn; and they think that sex is hard driving to the finish.  As soon as she’s aroused, they move out of the foreplay stage and into driver mode.  Women love to be teased sexually.  You can bring a woman to a strong orgasm or a series of multiples by teasing.  Play with her, both orally and manually.  When she is very aroused, pull back.  Dial the stimulation down.  Bring her up, let her back down—over and over again until she’s begging for release.  Don’t let her come until she does beg.”

For example, stop cunnilingus before orgasm.  Hold her and stroke her breasts or thighs until her arousal subsides.  Back to the cunnilingus.  Stop again.  Stroke her, this time moving from non-genital caresses to her labia and finally playing with her clit.  Stop again.  Repeat oral and manual teasing as desired.

Why it works:  M is exactly right.  The slow build creates enormous erotic tension leading to explosive release.

THE FORBIDDEN LICK

“Men want anal intercourse.  Many women don’t want that, but they secretly desire another kind of attention to their asshole.  They want to be licked.  Lick her asshole, rim it with your tongue and then your finger.  ‘Fuck’ it with just the tip of your tongue followed by the tip of your finger.”

Caveat:  If her asshole isn’t “lickable” clean, she’ll be embarrassed—and you likely won’t be so happy either.  Shower or bathe together first.  Suds up her bottom and gently use a washcloth covered finger around and slightly into her anus. 

Why it works:  The anus is rich in nerve endings.  Playing there does seem naughty or even “taboo”—and that ratchets up arousal.  And it’s just thrilling for a woman to be with a man who isn’t trying to ram the head of his penis up her rectum before he even knows her full name.

Let’s conclude with a passage from Jeff in Venice, Death in Varanasi (Pantheon) by Geof Dyer—my favorite novel of the week:

 “What was it about women’s assholes?  Where did it come from, this irresistible desire to stick fingers, cock and tongue up there?  Shit was horrible, revolting stuff, but women’s assholes…the only thing in life contemporary man loves more than eating pussy is licking ass.”

CAN YOU MAKEOVER YOUR SEX LIFE IN ONE HOUR?: If You Show Me How You Do It, You Can

Photo Credit:  "vintage lovers" in Photobucket

Can you makeover your SexLife in one hour?  Yes, if you think outside the bottle--as in "bottled up."  And why not?  If a department store or Sephora cosmetician can give you a new face in fifteen minutes and a personal shopper can change your entire look in less than an hour—why can’t we fix that garden variety sex problem in one hour?

I’ve been coaching private clients through One Hour SexLife MakeOvers for several months now; and I’m ready to take the concept wider—to my online readers.

The goal of the makeover is simple:  Remove that roadblock to satisfying sex.  Get quick results that open up your more possibilities in your sex life because you have finally stopped tensing up over this one big issue.

Here’s how the process works:

You isolate the critical sex concern.

• What single change would make both of you immediately happier with your sex life—and put you on the path to having more frequent, enjoyable lovemaking?
• Email me with a description of your sex concern—told from each partner’s perspective—and an assurance of your mutual commitment to following makeover directions.
• But no relationship issues, please! I am a technique expert, not a relationship therapist. Don’t tell me about your “issues,” her mother/his mother, or the fights you have over chores. Frame your SexLife concern in the language of sex technique. (Examples: She doesn’t come/fakes orgasm. He comes too fast. She won’t/can’t do X; he won’t/can’t do X. There’s not enough____(fill in the blank).

We define our terms.

If I decide to take you on as clients, you will:

• Pay $150 in advance.
• Submit answers to questions I will send plus, unless you are very uncomfortable doing this, video clips of your lovemaking, preferably isolating the technique area in question. (For example: one (or both) partner(s) is dissatisfied with the oral sex skills of the other; let me see the oral action.)

I will send you:

• A detailed critique of the technique issue and specific directions for improving.
• A one hour plan from “want to?” through orgasms.

Yes, it will work.

Here’s part of a thank-you note from a couple in their early 30s whose complaint was "We have no time for foreplay so the sex is never good for her.":

"Until you pointed out that we didn't touch one another in a sensuous, caressing way--we thought 'foreplay' was a special time set aside before "sex" and that "sex" was all about the fast grab.  When you suggested that we stroke, fondle and kiss one another in the full body embrace position--and gave us new techniques for doing that--you opened up our world.  THANK YOU!!!!"

SEX TRICK #1: HELP FOR THE FALL-OUT COCK

Photo Credit:  "Light Graffiti 2" by nintyspong on Photobucket

I often get questions on technique that begin:  "What do I do when...."

What to do?  Use a Sex Trick.  This is Sex Trick #1  for the first in a series of little sex problem fixes:

What do I do when his penis slips out during intercourse?

Penis fall-out happens occasionally to all of us.  Where do you think the phrase “Slippery when wet” originated?  Take his cock in hand and put it back in.

If he slips out on a regular basis, he probably has a small penis or he may be thrusting too fast.  (And he blames you for having an out-of-shape pussy.)

Small penis?

Two positions give you the deepest penetration:  rear entry and missionary (or man on top)—if you put your legs up on his shoulders.  Depending on your relative sizes, and your flexibility, you may rest your ankles or backs of calves against his shoulders.

 

The most fall-out probably occurs when you’re on top.  You can try moving in a circular fashion rather than up and down, back and forth—but some men find that uncomfortable.

 

Fast Thruster?

Grab his ass, hold it and control his rhythm by lightly squeezing his buttocks when you want him to thrust. 

 

And what about that pussy?

We all need to do sets of super-easy Kegel exercises three or four times a week to keep our PC (vaginal floor) muscles firm.  You can find directions for them in The Sex Bible for Women.  You'll also find many variations on the standard six positions--little tricks for maximizing your pleasure and his.

 

TODD WOOTEN ON HOW TO BE A LESBIAN TRAPPED IN A MAN'S BODY--AND OTHER SEX TIPS FROM MEN

Photo Credit:  "The Slow Kiss" by Tina Phillips

Men give good sex tip too.  I'm handing the sex advice over to them today.  First, as promised, Todd Wooten tells men how to do it the lesbian way.  Next, Corey Silverberg on "How To Kiss," taken from his wonderful newsletter, About.com:Sexuality--and, finally The Boy Toy shares the art of the anal flirt.  (It does work, guys.  He's used it on me.)

HOW TO BE A LESBIAN TRAPPED IN A MAN'S BODY by Todd Wooten

While on an all-guy vacation in South Beach a few years ago, I was adopted by a pack of Lesbians. They enjoyed watching me eat (I’m a big eater), and I enjoyed the free meals and listening to their conversations.  They had all been married to men at one time. Unlike most men, I didn’t ask why they became Lesbians. That would’ve been as ignorant as them asking me why I’m Black. We are who we are. 

I asked, “What are the differences between straight men and gay women in the bedroom, from foreplay to orgasm to multiple-orgasm to post-orgasm?” They appreciated my sincerity and spilled their guts. I

THE KEY POINTS

 1) Know thy partner.

      a. Ask her what she likes.

      b. Explore her body and identify every sweet spot (i.e., erogenous zone), including the ones she may not know she has like toes, back of the knees...  

 2) Slow Down.

     a.  Do everything, starting with kissing and caressing, at half the speed you’d prefer to do things. By slowing down, you can at least create the illusion of being an attentive lover.

    b.  If she wants you to speed things up she'll let you know, but you can develop a better cohesion when you start slow and gradually speed things up together, versus starting fast and trying to work backwards.

3) Touch softly and carry a big stick.

      a. Touch softly speaks for itself. Men are often guilty of H & H: being Heavy-Handed and in a Hurry.

      b. Carry a big stick means: If you have a particular strength in the bedroom, or something you do well that she truly enjoys, then use it, but use it judiciously.

 

HOW TO KISS, by Corey Silverberg

 

"Kissing and being kissed is such a subjective experience and expression of our individuality that it’s useless to try and develop a list of universal kissing dos and don’ts," he says.   He agrees with me that you can tell how a man (or woman) will be as a lover by the kiss.  NEVER go to bed with someone whose kiss doesn't thrill you.

Hit the link above to read his fourteen kissing tips.  I especially like number five, Lean in, and Pause.  It's a nice little tease.

 

FLIRTING WITH THE ANUS

From The Boy Toy

“What do I have to do to get a name on SexyPrime?” he asked.

Darlin’,  I’m protecting your identity.  And keeping you my secret.

“I have good sex tips.”

 

He does.  Here’s one of several from the past year.  Look under Cougar Chronicles and Sex Toys for more.  Now,  his tip of the day

 

“If she isn’t ready for anal intercourse, but does enjoy a little anal play—introduce one lubed finger (or two) inside her anus while you're fucking in the side by side and facing position.  Her outer leg is over your outer leg. The position gives you perfect access to her puckered hole.  You cup and squeeze her ass, maybe give it a slap or two if she likes that—and then insert the finger(s) when she’s highly aroused. 

“I have finger cots—little plastic gloves for your fingertips—in the nightstand drawer.  You never want to take a finger out of her ass and put it into her pussy.  Spreads bacteria."

He is so much fun....................

 

 

THE SISTERHOOD OF THE VIBE: Sharing The Magic

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants has nothing on this sisterhood.

The women who market vibrators and other sex toys are passionate about empowering female sexuality.  They may be competitors in the retail world, but they have a shared mission:  to bring women quality products that enhance our sex lives--and sometimes rock our worlds.  A vibe is not just a sex toy; it's your erotic magic carpet ride.  (That's why I'm always sending you to Babeland to shop.) Nobody knows that better than the purveyors of those toys.

Claire Cavanah, the Manhattan-based co-owner of Babeland, told me:  "A manufacturer of high quality luxury vibes said he gives Babeland credit for creating that market.  I'm proud we have played a role in expanding what was a limited toy market to give women the kinds of toys they want to explore their own sexuality."

Claire and her partner Rachel Venning opened their first toy shop in 1993 "in response to a lack of woman-friendly sex toy stores."  Twenty-five years ago, our toy options were indeed limited. Last week, Dana Braverman Myers, co-owner with her husband Charlie, of Booty Parlor, told me about her first vibe shopping experience when she was a college freshman.

"Walking into a sleazy sex shop was part, 'Oh, wow, these toys exist!' and part "Ewwww.'  I grabbed a basic slim line vibe, paid for it and got out of there."

The little vibe initiated her into the joys of solo sex.  Rather than looking for a guy to give her an orgasm, she gave them to herself.  The vibe kept her from making the foolish boy choices too many girls do make at eighteen.

Mamas, when you have The Sex Talk with daughters, please tell them that vibes are both safe and satisfying. 

Dana led her girlfriends on sex toy shopping expeditions.  Eventually she combined her sexual missionary zeal with her love of beauty products to create Booty Parlor, the ultimate in home sex toy parties.  My favorite of Dana's line of luscious products:  Don't Stop Massage Candle.  This amazing candle melts at body temperature; and does double duty as romantic lighting and massage oil.

Here's my simple Sex Tip of the Day:  Light His Fire

• Light the candle.  Tell your man to lie back and enjoy the aprhrodisiac fragrance while you kiss and caress him.  
• Once he has a hard erection, drizzle some of the warm oil from the candle onto his nipples.  Use your thumbs in circular motion to massage them.  
• Tweak and nibble his nipples as you drizzle warm oil at the base of his penis.  
• Lace your fingers together, holding his penis lightly inside them; and use your thumbs (dipped in the oil) to massage in upward strokes on the sensitive underside of his penis from base to head.  
• Oil your fingers and give him a hand job.

THE COME FROM BEHIND HAND JOB: A Reader Sex Tip

I've been taking time off this week; and that inspired one of my favorite male readers to pick up the slack by sending in another sex tip.  (If you missed his last one, Bend Over BJ, check it out.)

Here is the new one (and very sexy writing too.)  I love this tip.  You can come from behind and give your guy a hand job when he's in the shower too.

"I experienced The Come From Behind Hand Job on a recent visit to Sin City.

"I hooked up with a friend for the usual night of partying and craziness.
We both drank too much; and, next thing you know, she's sleeping in my bed.  

Photo "Man Looking Outside" courtesy of Ocean Views Photostreaming

"I let her sleep and wandered to the window to look down on the action outside the club downstairs.  I pushed the button, electronically opening the blinds.  Mesmerized by the scene, I didn't hear her sneak up behind me.  She reached down, unbuckled my pants and pulled them off.  Shit, I was standing up in boxers now with the entire wall of windows open!  She slid the boxers down, pulled them off and flung them up into the air.  WTF?

"Then from behind, she caressed my cock and slowly stroked it.  I put my hands up against the glass from the pleasure.  With her other hand, she reached down between my legs and grasped my balls.  She pulled them slightly back and kept playing with them while jacking me off with her left hand.  As she worked the stroke, she pulled my cock lower; and that made it harder and harder.  When I was about to cum, she quickly aimed my cock at the window.  Streams of cum shot down the glass.  She continued stroking it as she moved her body around to the front.  She my cock into her mouth.  Pumping into her mouth felt so good after that incredible orgasm.

"After a nap, we went at it again, this time in the bed."

A NEW TANTRA FAN SHARES A SEX TIP OF HIS OWN

Photo credit: The New Tantra: Simple and Sexy

This morning I received one of those great emails every author loves--a fan letter.  But this fan letter is even better than most.  The writer, a man, has a sex tip of his own:

"Thank-you so much for writing The New Tantra!

"You are my hero!!

"Before I found your book, I sifted through sooo much esoteric nonsense on the subject. I absolutely love that your book delivers concise, well-prioritized information while still taking time to explore what is really important.

"I'm super excited because I know that the breathing and eye contact will send my girlfriend and me into another dimension entirely. Those are two items we had overlooked. ;)

"One thing you may want to know tho... Guys can have spontaneous orgasms too. - Fast, rhythmic Kegels that travel the length PC muscle. It's just kick-starting the conditions of a regular male ejaculatory orgasm with voluntary muscle control instead. I found this out practicing my Kegels at a stop-light.

"Anyway - Thanks again!"

Guys, get out there and practice those Kegels, simple exercises for strengthening your PC muscle.  (Directions are in The Sex Bible.)

THE BEND-OVER BJ: A Reader Sex Tip

Photo credit:  "Invitation" by Pamela Cisneros

One of my favorite male readers (and email correspondents) sent this sex tip.

He sits down on a straight back chair.  An over-stuffed chair won't work.

He spreads his legs open.  
She kneels on a pillow and starts sucking away with a hand on the nut sack and prostate.
Oh what a feeling, because you can bend over, reach down and grab her ass while she's doing this.  You can last a while sitting down, it depends how much you pump her mouth.  Last time, she let me cum inside her mouth ... then popped her luscious lips right under the head which makes for an incredible sensation.  This kept me hard afterwards for some doggie style ... yum.