SexyPrime, a blog by Susan Crain Bakos

THE SexyPrime LOVE, SEX AND PORN SURVEY--7 Questions

 
Photo Credit:  "Black and White Woman" by Ellen Terry on Photobucket

 

On Tuesday, inspired by a group of articles in New York Magazine (linked in posts), I posed the question, “His Porn, Her Problem?” 

M contributed “’He’s Just Not That Into Anyone’—Really?”

Candida Royalle and Lynda Belle responded in “The Devil Did Not Make You Do It”

Steven Otero and Tinamarie Bernard concluded in “Neuroscience and God—What do they have to do with it?”

Now tell us what YOU think.  7 questions, quick and easy, down and dirty.

First, gender, age, relationship status.  Please, with every question, include your comments if you like; don’t feel limited to short answers alone.

1.  How much porn do you/does your partner typically watch?

Less than monthly; one or twice a month; once or twice a week; more; A LOT MORE

2.  How would you define your taste/partner’s taste in porn?

Romantic, soft, woman/couples-oriented; a little racier, but still woman/friendly; hardcore, with many close shots on penis entering female orifices; REALLY hardcore

3.  Do you watch porn together—and who picks the flicks?

4.  Do you/your partner ever choose porn/masturbation over partner sex?  Often choose it over partner sex?

5.  Has porn changed the way you have sex--or the way one partner may want to have sex?

6.  Do you consider porn a relationship issue?

7.  What is your idea of good (or bad) porn?  Any specific recommendations on DVDs either to choose or avoid?

 

 copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

GOD, NEUROSCIENCE AND PORN---Steven Otero and Tinamarie Bernard Take Us Higher

 

 Photo Credit:  "Kobieta" on Photobucket

 

My pal Steven Otero and writer Tinamarie Bernard come at any question from their specific angles.  Steven is a research man; and Tinamarie, a spiritual sexual person.  Her blog, Modern Love Musings, is a thing of beauty as well as a good read.  She chooses elegant, erotic sensual images to illustrate her posts; and I love them.  Plus, she quotes sexy poetry.

Steven's quickie response to "His Porn, Her Problem?"--"I wonder how many men have undiagnosed autism.  And have you thought about the neuroscience of porn?"

He included a link to “Porn and Mirror Neurons.” 

What are mirror neurons?  The most basic and simplified answer: They are areas of the brain that cause us to act similarly when another person acts—in a way giving us limited access to inside their brains.  In the late 1980s experimental data from observations of monkeys led researchers to conclude that mirror neurons are linked to empathetic response.  Some scientists believe the neurons aide humans in understanding language as well as the actions of others and in making decisions—and the study of them may help us understand why some people are altruistic and some are not.  But other scientists say:  Show me the proof on all that.

This article posits that mirror neurons may be at work when we watch porn because we see sexual acts and feel like we are having sex.  Well, maybe.  Interesting theory—that, by extension, could mean some people, probably mostly men, are hard-wired for a more intense connection with porn.  I will do some more research and report back to you.  And thank you, Steven, for so often giving me food for science thought.

AND

WHAT'S GOD GOT TO DO WITH IT?

by TinaMarie Bernard 

Certain topics conjure up provocative assumptions, and erotica is one such subject; it has informed human sexuality for as long as we could string letters, stories and images together, generating tales of our most passionate selves. So when I came across a website devoted to the philosophy of our most private lives, I took pause. How esoteric can we get when it comes to sexualized imagery and language of coupling?

That’s just the sort of question to get those, um, mental juices flowing. For example, I believe that erotica, unlike porn, leaves the mind stimulated but not obsessed; it arouses the senses without desecrating the soul; it may embarrass but never shame the viewer. Still, the line between what is sensual and sensationalized is a blurry one. Most of the time, we feel a visceral response, leaving the higher cerebral processes to chime in a distant second.

Watching two people make love is much different than watching a woman being banged in a staged sex scene, pretending she likes to enact someone’s sick fantasies with a prop or a pole or multiple grunting lovers. Sorry to be crass, but we can’t explore the fuzzy grey of sensuality if we don’t first define the edges (something that obviously cannot be completed in one article, hence, the whole of Modern Love).

The philosophy behind our sexuality, however, is more than just differentiating erotica from its degrading impersonations. Erotica encourages open honest discussions about human sexuality and the moralities (because there isn’t one right view on sex) we abide by. More specifically, that means that when it comes to sex, some basic rules must apply (although their interpretation is subject to individual understandings).

First and regardless of preferences and predilections, what we do (or who we do or what we view) should do no harm. Take note: this doesn’t preclude pain. There are things some lovers do and like and watch that can cause some desired hurt. This is easier to understand from a biological point of view if we realize that the neural circuitry that modifies pleasure and pain are closely linked in the brain.

Second, an ethical sexual rudder requires that lovers engage only with informed consent. To quote the inspirational source behind this column, “this implies two things, true knowledge (to be informed) and a suitable age (adult) to form sexual consent.” Even more importantly, it means that we as adults must do more than teach our children about the mechanics of sex. When we reduce it to procreation or f*cking, we fail to teach the relationship between sex and intimacy. The former is just the exchange of body heat and fluids, whereas intimacy, the real glue between us all, is the exchange of that intangible thing felt as energy of the heart.

 As we evolve, so do our behaviors and attitudes. Primitive urges still motivate our mating dances, but a philosophical exploration means we own certain responsibilities and social/moral contracts vis-à-vis sexuality.

That is why it’s my opinion that in order to explore the outer edges of our desires and sexual practices – whether in a traditional relationship, or something altogether undefined and ambiguous but clearly based on love – we must respect principles of sexual morality, realize the complexity of human emotion, the importance of the biology behind bonding and mating, and the transcendence of ecstatic sex that can’t be fully explained by words.

 

TOMORROW:  The SexyPrime Reader Survey on Sex, Love and Porn

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

THE DEVIL DID NOT MAKE YOU DO IT--Candida Royalle and Lynda Belle on Love, Sex and Porn

Photo Credit:  "Heels" by crazyCApeach on Photobucket

 

Many of my readers have opiinons on the question I posed this week:  "His Porn, Her Problem?"  Yesterday one of my favorite reader/correspondents weighed in with "He's Just Not That Into You--Really?"  (Dozens of women have written to me, expressing their gratitude for his "Anal Intercourse Primer for Virgins and Novices.")  Today, a quickie from the legendary Candida Royalle and an exhuberant yet thoughtful response from another favorite reader/correspondent, Lynda Belle. 

Quick Thoughts from Candida Royalle—

"I’m not sure what to make of all this. I certainly don’t believe in “sex addiction”, and you raise some good arguments that refute the current trend of ‘Porn’s turned me off to real women’. I have the NY magazine and must read these articles....rather, force myself to read them. Frankly, I’m so tired of the whole “Devil made me do it” justification for behavior. And I believe that social sites like Facebook and others are probably at least as much an influence on men’s relationships, if not more than porn—Not that they should be curtailed either. The real issues are the problems men and women have always had relating to each other and the growing change in gender roles."

 AND--

“I love it!  I love it!”—by Lynda Belle

I love it, love it, love it!

 I just had the birthday gift discussion with Hubby.  I had to choose between a $125 flat iron for my hair or my subscriptions for Playboy and Penthouse.  I'll take the subscriptions and $300 Playboy hard drive of every PB published for Anniversary thank you!

WAKE UP AMERICA!  We don’t have the highest divorce rate because of morals or values and, sure as heck, not porn!  Pffft.  Please.  Let's be honest here, shall we?

As Oprah said, "America spends more thought on getting married than being married."

We have a warped sense of marriage and get married for all of the wrong reasons.  I guarantee you “real” love is NOT why America mostly gets married! We are so filled with media propaganda, hypocritical religiousity from the pulpit, lies carried to government, “expert” opinion, often based on studies of small groups of people—and reverence for an institution that basically protects social starua.

Have you seen all the articles in Psychology Today and other respected publications on how to teach women desire?  Yes, they get married without knowing desire.  Recently I followed an Ask Men Q/A thread on anal sex.  Most responses were from men who wanted anal for the taboo factor, but once they got it and it was no longer taboo, they didn’t desire it. So to me that says they desire the taboo NOT the pleasure, then get their underwear in a wad if she enjoyed it and wants more. Now what is up with that? Pleasure, the ultimate taboo.  Never mind mutual pleasure.

The real issue here is NOT guys watching porn. MHO.  It is lack of communication between couples, and even more critical, not giving women permission to be wicked! Couples don't talk about their desires, kinks, wicked dreams, fantasies, or physical pleasures.  As Americans, we don't have a comprehensive sex ed.  In this new millennium, some experts are still arguing if women even “can” have an orgasm without the emotional attachment.  PLEASE, give me a break!

Get society, government, and the pulpit out of your bedroom and out of your head! Porn isn't killing relationships, America is killing relationships! Our idea of being married gets us married, our idea of what marriage and parenting is gets us through the first few years maybe, but the actuality is a whole different story.  No wonder so many marriages end in divorce.

 If you can't be wicked with your spouse then, who?  Love should generate desire.  Give women the right to desire and be wicked, by their own definition.   We should teach the reality of sex, that the physical is enhanced by the emotional, but women don’t need the emotional component to desire/need the physical.   Men are not the only ones with dirty minds. Use porn/erotica as a tool for self-awareness about what your fantasize and as a means to start a discussion about the unmentionable. I did!

Porn and erotica can enhance marriage NOT destroy it! Men have porn, women have romance/erotic novels/blogs. What's the difference? Have you read Kimmie Wednesdays? Fight clean, have dirty sex. Allow women the right to go public with the physical reality, and stop labeling them as whores and consigning them to hell for a natural desire! Dildos and vibrators are illegal in some states, for Gods sake.

Men may want a lady in public and a whore/slut in bed, but women want a gentleman in public and a master of pleasure in bed! Combine the two and you got one hell of a couple, one blessed marriage! But America says no! Sex dies after marriage.  Now that's messed up!

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

"He's Just Not That Into Anyone"--Really?

 
Photo Credit:  "Stockings" on Photobucket

 

If you are intimately familiar with those gorgeous gams above because they belong to your regular partner, the sight of them may not turn you on anymore.  But another woman's legs, even lesser legs, may thrill you.  What's shutting men down sexually?  It's not cyberporn; it's the same old story, familiarity breeds boredom.  That is the basic premise, rooted in evolutionary biology, of M's resonse to "His Porn, Her Problem?"  But he has more to say on the subject of women's desire to be objectified--and I'll post that soon.

Now, from M, who last appeared on SexyPrime in   "Swinging Rules, 'Cheating' and The Insecurities of Women"--

Living alone, and not dating all that frequently, I watch a lot of porn, but I get more sexually aroused by decent, even mediocre, erotica than by all but the extremely rare exquisite piece of porn.  While there is some validity to several of the points raised in the New York Magazine article ("He's Just Not That Into You") referenced in your post, let me share a man-cave truism that has been around a lot longer than the internet barrage of easily available porn:

“Show me the hottest woman alive that has been with her man for four years, and I will show you a man who is tired of fucking her.”

Men, as a group, get sexually bored easily with a single partner, unless they BOTH regularly make a concerted effort to keep the sex fresh and new—and that was true before the invention of the camera, though in those days the life expectancy was only 42, so most couples did not live to experience much sexual boredom.  When you share a bed and bath with a woman, you see her naked every day.  No matter how attractive she is, you are more excited about seeing a new woman naked.  The new naked woman, even if her clothing doesn’t leave much to the imagination, is an arousing concept.

Shortly after the visual image of a woman’s body its the ability to surprise a man, in most cases, her behavior in the bedroom does too.  Without a lot of intent to keep it new, most people, men and women, tend to fall into a pretty small repertoire of boudoir behaviors, becoming predictable, boring, partners.  Many men seek mental stimulation in porn and some even develop a fetishistic attachment to their porn.  What do women do?  Ask any group of married women over forty who wants more sex, them or their husbands—and most will claim, they do.

Porn CONTRIBUTES to men spending their libidinal energies on masturbation and to some leaving a woman who wants them high and dry—but I most of the discussion in the article is rooted in  an issue that has existed forever, now viewed through the lens of increased availability of porn.

Now about modern (post- 1990) porn—

I HOPE that most people are not getting their ideas about how to be good in bed from watching porn, because the vast majority of it is formulaic, ritualistic, and BAD, from the standpoint of the participant’s quality of the sexual experience.  Why?

• Men rarely perform cunnilingus; and when they do, only a few seconds, with no subtlety whatsoever.
• Every sexual encounter begins with fellatio with the man taking no active role except when forcing his cock down her throat to make her gag.
• Every sexual encounter ends with the woman (or women) on their knees in front of the man while he masturbates to ejaculation, in their faces.
• The position commonly known as "Reverse Cowgirl", i.e., woman on top, facing the man's feet, is ubiquitous for vaginal, anal, and Double Penetration scenes—because it allows the camera to capture full frontal nudity of the woman, including the penetration, and mostly hides the man from squeamish male viewers.
•  I'm really tired of seeing women dressed in a slutty caricature of "Catholic School Girl".
• Even back in the 70's, porn feature films, had some plot. The current wave of porn rarely pretends to have a reason why these people are fucking.
• The ubiquity of anal intercourse as the primary sexual expression in so much of modern porn with VIRTUALLY NO DEPICTION OF ANY OF THE PREPARATION FOR ANAL SEX troubles me on teaching grounds, as well aesthetics.  For most women (not all) comfortable, pleasurable anal sex requires quite a bit of prep work, highly erotic foreplay, by her partner (preferably, though she can do most of it herself if that is her preference.) The porn pretension that young women are just begging for men cursed with mega-phalluses to roughly ram every inch into them anally with no preparation sends all the wrong messages to people who turn to porn to learn new things to explore.
• At its best, porn should give people ideas of ways to further enhance their real sex lives.  That is less true than it used to be. While the lighting and cinematography are better, everything else about porn has gotten so formulaic, with a very narrow range of activities. The only real variety it seems to offer  is different female porn stars while there appear to be only a few dozen working male porn stars, probably because one of the prerequisites is penile endowment found in less than one in 10,000 men.

 TOMORROW--Responses from Candida Royalle and Lynda Belle.

  ON SATURDAY, Tinamarie Bernard weighs in on Love, Sex and Porn.

 copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

 

IS HIS PORN HER PROBLEM?--What the science tells us about porn, sex and love

 
Photo Credit:  "Vic's 38 Special" by butterflyfairies on Photobucket

 

"IT ONLY TOOK MEN A COUPLE OF DECADES BETWEEN DISCOVERING WOMEN CAN HAVE ORGASMS--AND DECIDING IT'S TOO MUCH TROUBLE TO GIVE THEM ONE," Bill Maher on HBO's "Real Time with Bill Maher." 

 

In one of Friday's segments, Maher chastised men for preferring internet porn and masturbation to sex with their wives and girlfriends.  In fact, some "experts" have claimed that men's "addiction" to cyberporn is a major factor in divorces in the U.S., which has the highest divorce rate in the world.  Recently, however, lawyers have been telling me that social networking sites, especially Facebook, are the new leading factor in divorce.  In the popular scenario, a spouse, male or female, connects with an old flame or a new FB "friend" and the affair ensues.  Can we really blame Facebook for affairs?  People were cheating before social networking sites made them more easy to catch through electronic surveillance.

And married sex lives were bad to non-existent before cyberporn was readily available.

As a society, we have a lot of theories about the role of porn in men's lives, especially in their relationships with women.  Men (and porn) are demonized because it is men who watch more porn and drive the market and, more importantly, will admit to preferring cybersex over the real thing, the woman in their own bed.  In "The Porn Myth," a 2004 New York magazine essay, Naomi Wolf argued that, far from 'whetting the male sexual appetite," porn actually turned men off to "the real thing."  She wrote-

“For the first time in human history, the images’ power and allure have supplanted that of real naked women. Today, real naked women are just bad porn." 

The militant feminist anti-porn position espoused by the late Andrea Dworkin is enjoying something of a revival; and it is difficult to distinguish their rhetoric from that of the Christian anti-porn crusaders (who, by the way, consider SexyPrime and my books to be porn.)  On the other hand, women producers like Candidal Royalle and Jenna Jamison are producing porn--which we prefer to call "erotica"--aimed at women and many women, including me, do enjoy erotica/porn, at least occasionally.  While I find the hardcore violent stuff offensive, I will admit to getting aroused by other material, including light BDSM, group sex, homsexuality, though they are behaviors I am not interested in trying.  (Am I not an argument for the case that watching doesn't lead to acting out?)

When PBS "Frontline" did a documentary on porn in America a few years ago, they concluded that it was hard to define porn.  Making a connection between porn and its effects on men's behavior and their relationships with women isn't so easy either.  The right draws extreme conclusions; the left is reluctant to recognize any ill effects because that might give the right support in their censorship efforts.  We have allowed the right to define the issues of abortion and porn, leaving us afraid to acknowledge that abortion and porn do have consequences because we don't want to give the right a bone to chew.

What does the science say? 

THE BIG INTERNATIONAL STUDIES

The late Dr. Berl Kutchinsky, professor at the University of Copenhagen, received international recognition for his massive studies, over two decades, of the effects of porn on men in Denmark, Sweden and West Germany.  He concluded that exposure to porn did not make men more violent toward women.  Violent crimes, including sex crimes, actually decreased in the years following the legalization of porn in these countries.  He died in 1995 before hardcore porn became so violent and easily available over the internet.  But no significant reputable studies have refuted his basic conclusions.

THE LITTLE CONTROVERSIAL STUDY THAT WENT BIG

In 2009, Simon Louis Lajeunesse, a Université de Montréal researcher and professor, funded by the Interdisciplinary Research Center on Family Violence and Violence Against Women, extensively interviewed twenty male college students about their porn-viewing habits.  He concluded that they suffered no ill effects.  He wrote:

 "Aggressors don't need pornography to be violent and addicts can be addicted to drugs, alcohol, gaming and asocial cases are pathological. If pornography had the impact that many claim it has, you would just have to show heterosexual films to a homosexual to change his sexual orientation."

His work attracted world-wide attention, more notice than such a small study by a junior professor deserves, because those words enraged the anti-porn activists.  While he under-estimated how much porn the average man watches, his conclusion is valid.  I've yet to see a study not funded by a religious or political conservative group that does make a clear connection between porn and sex crimes.  It's not there.  The problem of porn is more intimate than that.

Women say that porn turns men off to real women's bodies, creates un-realistic sexual expectations--and has made anal sex a right, not a request.

CAN WE PROVE THAT PORN AFFECTS THE QUALITY OF SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS?

Anecdotal evidence and behavioral surveys and polls do indicate that cyberporn plays a role in men's relatively new-found disinterest in sex with their partners.  Yes, it's true, he is often the one saying No today.  The reasons behind male refusal are complex.  For example, is it rooted in his resentment of her alpha female status and only expressed through retreat into cyberporn?  (The Zola and I took this on two years ago in "Women on Top".)  Or does his low libido have its origins in prescription drug issues and lifestyle habits making it more comfortable for him to lean back in his leather desk chair or the sofa in the basement den, hit "play" and unzip rather than getting active with his partner?  Or has he resigned himself to sex online after years of disappointing sex in the bedroom? 

Some people, including the therapists pushing their treatment programs, call this a "sex addiction" or "porn addiction." 

Most of the therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists and medical doctors I have interviewed do not subscribe to the theories of sex or porn addiction.  They may describe the behavior as "compulsive" but not addictive.  The terms "sex addiction" and "porn addiction" have been popularized by the media; and a woman who isn't happy with her man's interest in porn is quick to make the snap diagnosis.  Sometimes men too buy into the addiction theory in one way or another.

 Maia Szvalitz in "Does Men's Bond With Porn Ruin Them For Real-Life Sex"(Time magazine) refutes Davy Rothbart's theory in "He's Not That Into Anyone" (New York magazine) that oxytocin has bonded him to his porn.  The "cuddle horomone" oxytocin, which women produce more copiously than men, does seem to help create bonds of attachment between lovers, especially if they have experienced orgasm. There is no scientific evidence indicating that oxytocin helps bond men to porn.  She writes:

"But that's not how oxytocin--which is involved in feelings of love and lifelong bonding--actually works.  If it was, men wouldn't seek a variety of porn; rather they would be monogamous to whatever material they first found enjoyable.  (And women would fall in love with their vibrators.)"

Can anyone argue that porn has changed the sexual dynamic between men and women?

I'd love to hear how you think it has.

 

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime