Orgasms! have been on my mind this week. (Okay, when are they not?) The Orgasm Loop online workshop is coming together. I had a great talk with sister sexpert Lou Paget this morning on Os and O Loop, a conversation we are continuing this Wednesday evening from 9 to 10 EST on her radio show “Sex Talk with Lou.” I’ve been emailing back and forth with Josie Rozenberg-Clarke who’s interviewing me for an article in Australia’s Cleo magazine. As I told her, one of the joys of being an author is developing an international readership and hearing from great sexy babes and guys from all over the world.
To the mail!—
Q. “My husband recently lost weight and started working out—and now he wants to make love like the Kama Sutra. I contend that most of those positions are unsustainable for long enough to have good sex. What do you say? What should we do to liven up the standard six?” Ella, New Zealand.
A. Ella, you are correct: There are six basic intercourse positions—“the standard six”—and everything is a variation on one of them. The extreme positions of the Kama Sutra are not sustainable for long for most of us. Just getting into them is an accomplishment. Call it foreplay.
There are so many ways to tweak the basics and liven the sex. Read Michael’s suggestions for Bullet Vibe play. Buy one of my books. The Sex Bible, for example, has directions for the basics plus variations.
Here is my favorite Missionary position variation, The Open Missionary.
Wrap one leg around his waist (or place ankle on his shoulder or crook your ankle around his neck)—and leave the other leg open, either bent at the knee of flat on the bed.
I love the bent knee because it gives you great leverage to thrust against him. During intercourse, you can also move that open leg up and down his body, briefly wrap around his waist to place over his shoulder.
That lovely leg is a free agent, entirely opening up the classic Missionary.
Q. “My wife shares your crush on Dan Taylor, the Morning Man on WCBS fm 101.1. She says he is her fantasy lover. I think I know what that means. Is it common? Should I be jealous? How does a man compete against a fantasy lover?” AJ, Montclair, N.J.
A. We shall have to keep this from D.T. because it will make him blush.
I define a “Crush” as a very admirable person who inspires feelings of regard, warmth and affection from afar. Rarely does one act on a crush. It is just a nice little extra life enhancement.
A Fantasy Lover is a masturbatory aide—very common. You have porn; she has a vivid imagination. Back in the BJ scandal days, women told survey takers that they fantasized having sex with Bill Clinton. Media stars are popular fantasy lovers. I can’t even imagine how many women masturbate to George Clooney and Brad Pitt. (I hope your wife doesn’t tell me what she’s doing with Dan behind my back.)
You should not be jealous. Baby, you don’t compete against a fantasy lover any more than she goes up against porn. Just be thankful her Fantasy Man has her primed for you.
I watched some YouTube videos of Keith “the Captain” Gamble performing—and he’s been my Fantasy Lover for a few weeks. For women, porn is too cut and dried. We like coming up with our own scenarios to suit the arousal figure.
Now you tell that bitch to take her hands (and other parts) off Dan. [Note, Tuesday: I'm kidding. So many people wrote to ask if I am serious, I had to add the addendum.]
Q. “I dated a 34 year old guy for almost a year. Recently I broke up with him because I got tired of waiting for the sex. That’s right. No sex. I told him I wanted him. I came on to him. He kept saying he wanted to wait until things were right because he had always rushed the sex before. I’ve heard other women talk about men refusing sex. What’s up?” Carmen, New York City.
A. I do not believe that the man you dated didn’t have sex with someone during his celibate year with you. Something’s up with him. In denial about being gay? In love with a married woman? Sleeping with his cousin? Into a fetish he couldn’t share with you? He has a back story.
Yes, men are more likely to refuse sex in relationships than ever before. Zola and I identified the withholder as one form of passive/aggressive Beta men. Some men, however, say No to sex because they are on medications that lower their libido and interfere with their ability to get erect.
What happened to you is atypical. Why did you stay for a year? That sounds like an ego-battering experience.
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