Readers, if you missed parts one and two of The Weiner Syndrome, the answers to questions that the following dialogue between M and me may spark are in those posts. What does M have to say about duplicitous husbands trolling for sex on the internet—describing their marriages to cold, rejecting wives and justifying sexting and penis-tweeting because they can’t get no satisfaction at home?
M says that while men may be getting worse, women are no better. Read on. He has the absolute best funny lines….
And keep sending your stories.
“WELL????” I emailed M on Thursday shortly after I put up part one of The Weiner Syndrome: Unmasking the Sexy Beast. His was the reaction I wanted first. M has allowed me to lower his own mask a little today: he is a lawyer. I have a special fondness for lawyers, a generally misunderstood category of people.
[Note, July 30: I am deleting chunks of this and other posts to restore The Sexy Beast's anonymity, The important part of this story is simply: Your spouse may be a Fake Name Facebooker too. Think about that.]
S—He has been an emotional reactor since Wife abruptly decided she wanted back in the marriage. A few weeks ago, he was out of town on business. She went ballistic because he forgot her birthday and she’d made weekend plans for them—this from a woman who walked out, with little communication for months until she wanted to come “home”. The language she used—“I want you to choose me, not your job!” and “Marriage is two people who want to be together all the time.”—was that of an emotionally immature princess bride. He kept saying, “She’s crazy,” but he played into crazy and was completely undone by her angry birthday weekend tirades. I talked him down from the ledge.
I got tired of talking.
In fact, I was tired of the nonsense—constantly propping up his ego and listening to her whiny demands secondhand. Other people’s marriages are too much work.
I began to feel sad for his wife because h never said anything good about her. This disloyalty—this betrayal—is the worst part.
M—Sharing the dirty laundry of one's primary relationship (while purportedly still trying to make said relationship work) is indeed a betrayal. But a man in an ongoing marriage seeking an extramarital affair has limited options:
1. He can lie and pretend he is single.
2. He can honestly say that he plans to stay married, but is seeking some excitement on the side without her knowledge--and avoid talking about the details of his marriage. (Some women, however, can’t stop the grilling.)
3. He can have an open and honest discussion with his wife about his need/desire/urge to have a variety of sexual partners and see if she will give him her blessing.
4. Or he can do what Sexy Beast did.
S—Spill his guts to a writer?
M—Involve women in his sad story as a pick-up ploy.
As a man who has a history of dating unhappy wives, I can tell you that across the board, they talked trash about their husbands mercilessly. If you think what Sexy Beast says about the frigid, controlling, manipulative harpy he married is bad, you have not listened enough to cheating wives. Apparently, according to unhappy wives, every husband has bad personal hygiene, is distant, rude, a bully, and stupid, an impotent 30-second man with a three inch needle dick who has no clue or interest in where the clitoris is located, much less the Grafenberg spot—and those are his good points.
Women, cheating or not, share with their close girlfriends a shocking level of detail about the sexual shortcomings of their husbands. These betrayals of intimate secrets are bad—but there is more gender equivalence to the behavior than the focus on the current trend of men sexting pics of their package would suggest.
S—Cheating spouses need to play a classier game.
M—Your Sexy Beast reinforces my own experience in the swinging lifestyle. He had some obvious red flags or unappealing characteristics (deceptive, married, pussy-whipped, ambivalent), yet was able to seduce a sexual sophisticate, you, on the strength of hot prose. Much of my lifestyle success comes from the positive reactions to my writing.
S—Erotic writing has a powerful impact on women. Most men don’t do it well. I was surprised at how my readers responded to the “Diary of an Affair” posts. The women loved his writing. The men were invested in this guy in a suffocating marriage not only bedding but bringing out the sexually submissive side of me, the sex writer. Everyone was rooting for him.
M—I was ridiculously depressed at the idea of this man I don’t even know handing his balls back over to a woman he’s never described in desirable terms.
S—On the other hand, I don’t know her and certainly don’t like her kind of woman—who uses sex as a commodity, dispensing and withholding it to control the man and the relationship—but I also feel sad for her.
M: Are guys like S.B. and Freddie the new norm?
S: God, I hope not.
Reasons for why I hit into this double play: 1. Men are getting worse. (Kidding). 2. My guard was down. (Possible.) Or, 3. In the case of Freddie, I was seduced by a story I could write whereas S.B. seduced me with his the stories he wrote—both indicating to me that I should get my hot stories from novels henceforth.
M—Dicking around on sex and social networking sites (or other time wasters) while on company time is a really stupid thing to do if one wants to keep one's job. It’s also lousy behavior if the woman thinks she might be getting into a serious relationship with one of these FakeName Facebookers.
There probably are multiple social trends intersecting with this issue, including:
- A growing discomfort with face-to-face social interaction. People prefer the safety and distance of text or email for social and sexual connection.
- The virtual abolishment of the nudity taboos in the absence of physical presence (for a large subset of the younger population). A woman covers her goodies if a male friend accidentally walks in on her naked but thinks nothing of sending a full frontal nude picture of herself to a stranger.
- People are so accustomed to anonymous screen names on some sites, (where they let out the uncouth sides of themselves) that many of them continue to interact that way on sites or email where they are NOT anonymous.
- In some ways men ARE getting worse. A lot of men have not adapted well to the changes in a post-patriarchal (or less so) society. Younger men are for the most part better adapted to post-patriarchal society EXCEPT for that bad tendency of young men to learn sex from porn at the same time that porn is worse as a teaching tool than it was as recently as the late 1980s.
- Yes, legal adult prostitution has a positive effect on societies, a fact widely recognized in the United States at least into the early 20th Century. Legal prostitution would help stamp out illegal trafficking because the legitimate sex workers would have the legal protection and the motivation to report it.
S—Any other thoughts?
M—One woman wrote (in the comments at the beginning of part two): "Oh, I am so disappointed in Sexy Beast. He is just like my husband. Ugh."
But what does that say about her?
Sexy Beast is not fully responsible for Wife, but he is part of a milieu which includes a controlling, frumpy, platinum-pussied, sex-bartering bitch. How did he get there? If you want to change your situation, start with the (wo)Man in the Mirror. (Shout out to Michael Jackson). Until Sexy Beast accepts his own role in that marriage, he won’t get meaningful modification of the results. She CAN”T be totally to blame.
S—There is a special craziness in marriages like his, domineering woman, passive/aggressive man. They are both equally steeped in self, but differently so. He told me she didn’t realize how far he drove back and forth to work each day--over 100 miles--to be primary breadwinner until he’d been doing it for a decade. That is self-involvement in the extreme on her part. But what a martyr he is!
M. On a lighter note, from reading "hot Texas Babe", I must conclude that I have been entirely too slow to send out penis pics to my female Facebook friends. Apparently, every other Facebook guy is sending her (and presumptively, all their other FB friends) junk shots. Should I send "hot Texas Babe" a Sausage Shot for her collection?
S—Ha, ha, I am laughing.
M—If you are laughing, my work here is done!
("Make 'em laugh, make 'em breakfast!")
S—I want breakfast—but I have sworn off viewing junk shots. I am looking for an admirable man first; the penis will follow.
TOMORROW: Auntie Sue Takes A Few Quickies
copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime