If you write about your life, you will quickly learn that, while you continually move on, many readers stay at various stages of your past, like winding strings of lights on a Christmas tree, marking your moments for internet eternity.
I will likely be best remembered for an essay on why I like black men in bed that appeared in The New York Press six (or seven?) years ago and still brings me weekly emails. Initially I got a lot of hate e-mail from older white men and black women, yes, mostly over forty. The white men called me a slut and assured me I could never “go back”, but the black women—who curiously said I, who wear a size 2 jeans, must be “fat”—often threatened to kill me in the most vicious ways for “stealing their men.” Had I known how long a shelf life that essay would have, I'd have written a more nuanced and thoughtful piece. (It was dashed off in thirty minutes for an editor looking for a controversial front page story.)
Yes, I still think black men over forty and especially fifty generally keep their sexual mojo while white men generally don’t—but I failed to spend much time on the cultural reasons for that. In fact, white women have some blame in the white man’s fall from mojo. From what I’ve read and seen of black women since writing the piece, they have partly themselves to blame if “their” men don’t want them. I did get to the nuance in Conversations on Sex and Race with Alex Zola on SexyPrime—but omigod, people are still reading that NYP essay without wondering what I think about it all now. I went through a phase of being apologetic to black women. I'm past that. They insult black men by assuming "their" men can only attract "old, fat, unattractive white women." That insults white women too.
Something I've learned from wading through the years of emails and spending a lot of time in Harlem--Yes, there are some terrific black women out there AND many who are as crude, loud, racist and ignorant as any White Trash/Rednecks I've ever encountered, if not worse.
Increasingly the people reading that essay—or at least getting back to me after they read—are exploring interracial connections too, not castigating me because I did. I want to thank two people who just discovered the piece this week and wrote to say—kind words.
I recently read your article/blog “A White Woman Explains Why She Prefers Black Men” and looked you up on the internet just to tell you how much I appreciated reading it. As a black male I find articles like yours that celebrate us are few and far between. I don’t have to tell you that negative images of black males are pervasive in our society. You article was not only flattering, but down right sexy. My google search lead me to your SexyPrime site and you now have a fan for life.
From E— Who relocated to the islands for a job opportunity—
At first I was a little worried I would have no one to date because black is a majority here, and the available white guys are either over 65, mentally ill, alcoholic, directionless, or 20-something surfer dudes. But then something changed in me.
After being around so much blackness for about a month, hearing those lovely West Indian accents, being flirted with constantly and getting that sexual "stare" on a daily basis, I had an epiphany: black men are SO SEXY!!!! I just never noticed it before. I was closed minded and dismissive. However, that all changed. I began dating two men at the same time. One wined and dined me and made love to me the way no white man ever had (To quote you: "How many white men can treat a woman like a lady and ravish her too?") The other, a buff lifeguard, I had a crazy sexual liaison with that only lasted a month, but he made me feel like the sexiest woman in the world during that time -- AND he was good at pillow talk, not just sex. Neither of those two relationships had any long-term potential (West Indian guys are not real fond of monogamy), which was OK with me, because I was having FUN! Then I met the man who is now my boyfriend: a black man from North Carolina who lives down here in the islands. He is the sweetest, sexiest, goofiest, most confident, badass, groovy (and faithful) dude I wouldn’t have noticed him if I'd run into him a year ago, because black was not even on my radar then….
E and I were both married young to Eastern European men, who were as she points out, “exotic” to us at the time. She comments that she may not always be as enamored of black men as she is now—but she is enjoying this stage of her life immensely. Oddly enough, after that NYP essay ran, my sex partners were equally divided between white and black—and my recent Big Lust was the ultimately disappointing Sexy Beast (Tim Purcell, a Midwestern white guy with great chest hair) in Diary of An Affair. And who is my HUGE crush? Dan Taylor, a blue-eyed WASP. But I still love black men too.
If you haven't read the Dick-Matized excerpts (category on right hand side of blog)--go there! It's the story of my affair with a beautiful black cock.
I hope that Diane Farr remains as happy “ever after” as she claims to be in Kissing Outside The Lines: A True Story of Love and Race and Happily Ever After (Seal Press.) A white woman married to a Korean-American, she does a good job of reporting the complexities of interracial marriage—her own and others. And she is hilariously funny. Her bottom line message: love is love and family is family. In taking love and marriage--relationship--as her subject, she won't draw the irate response I did in making it all about sex--or I hope she won't. She and her interviewees happened to fall in love with men and women outside their race.
I do love the book. I would write more about it but I want you to go to her website and the Seal Press website and read her words and view the book trailer. Seal Press, by the way, puts out stellar books by women authors for women readers. I have a little pile on my desk and will be reporting on them soon.
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