SexyPrime, a blog by Susan Crain Bakos

DOM ROSE ON RACE, SEX, COCK SIZE--and "I Have No Freakin' Clue Why Black Women Are So Angry!"

In our first conversation, Dom and I did not talk about race.  A young African American husband—not even thirty yet!—and new father, he doesn’t lead with race the way another partner in conversation, Todd Wooten, did.  Is that generational?  It is, of course, my first question.

 

SUSAN:  Interracial dating/mating doesn't seem like such a big deal in the younger generation--true?

DOM:  This is a perfectly timed question because since you and I have decided to have this discussion, it's been on my mind quit a bit. Over the Halloween weekend, at my party, I presented a similar question to a room of equally divided black men and women. In fact, my question was directed to the black women in the room. I asked: How do you feel when you see a black man with a white woman. Of the five women present, three replied they have an "issue" with it. The other two said "so what?" I asked the same question to the guys and they all replied it wasn't a big deal.

Then I flipped the question and asked how they felt about a black woman with a white man. Only one woman had a problem with it and once again, none of the guys seemed to mind.

It wasn't a scientific survey but 60% of the women were not cool with a black man dating a white woman yet nobody really cared when it was a black woman with a white man. You and I both discussed this when we had lunch at Maxie's but there is still a resistance amongst black women to accept black men dating white women. Very interesting.

SUSAN:  Oh, yes!  I was shocked at the vehemence of the black female response to that New York Press essay I wrote on being with black men.  They kept using the term “our men” referring to the “brothers.”  When I ask white women what they think when they hear the phrase “our men”—they say “the troops.”  It is a totally different mindset.  I note that everyone at your party was black.  No white friends?  No interracial couples?

DOM: Mostly all my guy pals are black. I do have one really good buddy who is white.  They are each dating members of their respective races. Quite boring, huh?

SUSAN:  It is a little discouraging to hear how little “integration” has taken place in the social circle of a young urban black man!  Have you been with women of different races?  is there a sexual difference by race?

DOM:  I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that I've only been with black and Hispanic women. I've never had much success with white or Asian women.

SUSAN:  Do you think there is a difference in the way black men and white men approach sex? 

DOM:  This one is tough because I don't have a good reference point when it comes to the way white guys approach sex. I tend to think how guys approach sex has more to do with their own confidence level versus race. If a guy is confident with himself sexually, he will be more direct in his approach. A guy who is timid and insecure will have that approach. But that has nothing to do with race.

SUSAN:  Yes, I agree with you—sexual confidence is key.  But, as I’ve said before, black men seem to have more of that commodity; and they don’t lose their sexual mojo after age forty like so many white guys do.  African American culture supports male sexuality more than white American culture does—but, ironically, African American culture doesn’t seem all that supportive of black women’s sexuality.  Maybe this is the true crux of their rage.

Do you think black men are better in bed?

DOM:  I love this question. Although I’m tempted to say "of course", I think this one falls into the "it depends" category. If we're speaking about cock size then yes, I think black men probably do provide more pleasure in bed. However if we're talking about diversity in the bedroom, I know a lot of black guys who have "limits". A lot of black men will draw the line with going down or anallngus. But white guys are usually proud to say they do everything. It's because of my willingness to do it all that I'm particularly successful with black women.  I let them know from the get-go that I'm down for almost anything and that I totally eat the pussy.

SUSAN:  (Laughing.)  Yes, that works with most women.  But I have to challenge you on the cock size issue.  Statistically, the average black penis is a mere fraction of an inch larger than the average white penis—a negligible difference.

Go back to the results of the penis surveys, his and hers.  Black men sometimes complain about the penis size myth, but they perpetuate it.  Perhaps because they have access to glimpses in locker rooms and rest rooms, white men don’t buy into the myth anymore.  They should be grateful for Civil Rights, yes?

You have the stats on your side regarding sexual variations.  Black men (and women too) are less likely to engage in oral sex, anal sex and other forms of sex play than white men and women.  (But, in my personal experience, black men have been more than happy to eat the pussy.)  Some black women have told me that they suffer from the double whammy:  church and the cultural image of the hot “jungle” woman that they feel they must live down.  Yes, it’s true: white girls will do anything when properly motivated.  (Laughing.)  I don’t know how you missed making connections with one or two of us—but you are happily married to a beautiful black woman now.

Many black guys over forty seem to be really invested in being "bigger and better" than white men in bed.  But is that true for you young turks?  Do you care so much?

DOM:  Older men, over 50, may be more interested in being better at "relationships" because they may want to settle down and get comfortable. But I think young guys will forever want to be "better" in bed. All my male friends go to the gym for one purpose: stamina—not because they want to run the marathon unless you're referring to the Pussy Marathon. But young guys have a need to be Bedroom Champions. It's what I alluded to in a previous interview; men treat sex like a sport and I don't know any man who doesn't want to be the MVP.

SUSAN:  Race adds a little edge to the competition.  I’m sure black women will be happy to hear that their men turn to relationship after age fifty.   Hang in there, sisters—or expand your circle of opportunity.

I see black women’s fierce possessiveness of their men as a deep emotion coming from the place of scarcity.  Black women who realize that they are attractive to men of many races aren’t so protective of their turf.  I compare it to the way some older white women felt a generation ago about the younger women who were “stealing” their men, i.e., old white guys.  The Cougar revolution has changed the way women over forty view their options and, frankly, many of us have no interest in old white guys anymore.

What do you think motivates black women’s anger?

I DON'T HAVE A FREAKIN CLUE!!!!!!! I was hoping you could clarify that for me. I asked them that and they gave me the cliché answer, the "because its just not fair" speech. But that's not a reason, at least not an intelligent one. Then again, when it comes to sex, I think "intelligence" holds little weight. I'm just waiting for an irate white woman to jump out and maul a black woman for "stealing" a white man. That would be epic. EPIC!

 

OH, MY....I couldn’t possibly top that one.  The rest of the Maxie’s conversation that I promised today is coming Thursday.

 

 

CAN WHITE WOMEN WHO "GO BLACK" EVER "GO BACK"?: Another Conversation on Sex and Race with Todd Wooten

 Before our Sex/Race conversation today, I asked Todd Wooten if he was surprised by something that did shock me.  Recently The Zola and I took a young African American couple to our favorite bar in Gramercy Park.  The service was atypically poor and the manager asked The Zola, "Who are these people?"  I concluded they were judged on their clothing--because well-dressed African American professionals get good service at the bar.

"I'm not surprised," Todd said.  "As long as they weren't denied service, it's not a big issue--and they should put the Hip Hop clothes away.  African American professionals know they have to dress well to be welcome in a place where you'd be accepted in torn jeans."

(Yes, but I do wear real pearls with my torn jeans--and perfume, of course.)

Todd is the controversial author of White Men Can't Hump (The Way Black Men Can).  I love the banner slogan on his site: This Site Is For People Willing To Explore The Gray.

SUSAN:  Do you believe it's true that women who "go black never go back"?  (It's not been true for me.  I go back and forth.)  Does that saying come from the time when a white woman who had a black lover was socially stigmatized?

TODD:  Several factors contribute to “Once you go Black” being a permanent fixture in our racial vernacular.

1) Yes, quite often the white female who has slept with a black man is not welcome back to her home, community, family, etc. White men are allowed to sleep with whomever they choose. white, black, Puerto Rican, White men have long been freakin’ (courtesty of Prince). Have you ever heard of a white male being disowned for sleeping with a woman of any color?

2) Also, quite often the white female doesn’t want to go back home.  Obviously, most Black men would love to believe they “blew her away sexually,” and quite often, the women will admit to being blown away…….initially. But, as we all know, women are a little more complex than that, so there’s gotta be a lot more on the table than just sex if you’re willing to cut ties with your friends and family.

3) The "It’s us against the world" phenomenon. This is the one that I most identify with.  When the relationship reaches that level, no one can beat you but yourselves.

SUSAN:  I’ve been public about liking black men, but I don’t feel ostracized by the white men I know—many of whom have been trying to get me into bed for some time now.  I do get angry mail from haters, but I don’t count them as real people.  Again, I’m not sure that it is much easier for white men to act against their families than it is for women.  Do you know any Italian men?  But I do agree with you that many women feel they can’t “go back’ for one reason or another.  New topic:  Sunday Church is a big event in Harlem where I live.  Black women look so beautiful dressed for church.  I walk past them on my way to buy the Sunday papers--wearing torn jeans and t-shirt or a man's shirt tied at the waist, but yes, wearing perfume :)  Do they think I'm a slob?  and Are African American women more sexually conservative than white women because the church is a greater force in their life?  

What do you think?

TODD: Hmmmm….a White woman in Harlem on a Sunday morning?

Maybe they think there’s a black man too lazy to get the Sunday paper, so he’s sending his white woman?

Maybe they’re looking at your attire and assuming you had a very sinful evening with a local black man?

Or maybe they think you’re a heathen for not playing any of the Sunday morning church games.

SUSAN:   I’ll take the Heathen card, Todd.  And there are many white people living in Harlem now.

TODD:  You’re a brave woman too endure their visual daggers for newspaper, LOL! I love the Sunday New York Times, but I’d let them get seated in their pews before I left the house.

As for black women being more sexually conservative due to their religious upbringing? Great question…and I don’t have an answer.

Black women who buy into this “sexually conservative” thing hurt themselves in the long run, especially young black women. They see sexual conservatism as a matter of “things they won’t do in bed.” Not engaging in a certain sexual act doesn’t make you conservative, especially if you’re still engaging in unprotected intercourse, with multiple partners, and you already have multiple babies, with multiple fathers. She may be able to brag to her girlfriends that she “Don’t suck no dick,” but the fellas will still look at her like she's a ho, and worst of all, treat her like a ho. Some of these misguided young women may find virtue in being a conservative ho, but those of us in the real world see it as an oxymoron at best, and part of an endless cycle at worst.

 SUSAN:   Young, educated black women don’t fall into that trap.  The President is right when he says education is the next wave of civil rights.  Do you see a change in attitudes regarding interracial mating among younger people?

 TODD:  Yes, attitudes are indeed changing, depending on where you live. You see more interracial couples on the street, on television, and in movies.  Hollywood often reflects societal trends and vice versa.  There is not a lot of interracial intimacy on TV, but occasionally in movies.  Still, those attitudes will vary based on geography. Recently here in the Midwest, there was a huge uproar over an interracial kiss on a weekly magazine cover.

 In many ways, certain parts of this nation are still socially stuck in the 60’s, as in 1860’s, especially the good ol’ South. Black men may not have to worry about being lynched for looking at a white woman, but verbal lynching definitely takes place, and other punitive measures are also blatantly applied—like being passed over for a promotion, denied job a opportunity, and of course, being pulled over by a racist cop while Driving with White Woman.  Recent polls show that 53% of Southerners don’t believe, or aren’t sure, that President Obama is an American citizen. While here in the real world, 92% of us believe the President is a citizen, and 8% aren’t sure or don’t believe. If these folks refuse to believe our President is a citizen, I think it’s safe to say they wouldn’t want their daughter dating him either. We still have a long way to go, but hopefully, over time, the South will gradually be shamed into joining the rest of us—though they still have a lot of folks down there fighting a war they lost nearly 150 years ago.

 

SUSAN:  The South is, as my Mama often said, “a sticky wicket.”  Ever played that WASP lawn game, croquette?  A sticky wicket is a tough shot.  Any final thoughts before I spring the next conversation idea on you?

TODD:  One trend we’ll continue to see is black women hookin’ up with white men. Black women are enrolling in college at twice the rate of black men. I just don’t see black women opting to settle or marry down in status. If you’ve invested years in getting an education and establishing your career, how likely is it that you’d settle for a 25 year old man who lives at home with his mother and still aspires to be a rapper or hoopster?  

SUSAN:   LOL.  I agree with you.  Black women will not be held down by that old fear of being disloyal to the brothers if they go white.  The brothers haven’t been all that loyal to them, right?  I hope that all women, every color, decide to hold their men to higher standards.  Something has to be done about all those post-40 white guys with their basketball bellies, thinking they’re hot. 

NEXT WEEK:  TODD AND I GET DOWN TO IT:  WHAT BLACK MEN DO IN BED THAT WHITE MEN DON’T—AND VICE VERSA

 

"IS YOUR GUY A LESBIAN TRAPPED IN A MAN'S BODY?": More Talk With Todd Wooten

My new partner in conversation, Todd Wooten, author of White Men Can't Hump (Like Black Men Can), volume 1 and volume 2,  says “all men should strive to be lesbians trapped in a man’s body”—and blames the white male for women’s magazine covers.  

Since our first sex/race discussion, I have received a few responses from white men offering to show me just how good they are.  Thank you so much, gentlemen, for your unselfish offer, but that’s more than I would ask of you in the name of scientific research.   (I will, however, accept notarized statements from former or current lovers attesting to your greatness.)  And keep reading.  Today I rush to your defense.

SUSAN:  Have you ever thought about writing a sex guide for white guys:  How You Can Hump Like A Black Man?

TODD: I did give some general advice in my book White Men Can’t Hump Vol. II, but it was for men of all races. I suggested that ALL men should strive to be Lesbians trapped in a man’s body. And I explained that the transformation must be mentally and emotionally, as well as physically.

 

SUSAN:   Whoa!  How does a straight man transform himself emotionally, mentally and physically into a man trapped in a lesbian’s body?  [Readers, Todd gives me the details, but I am saving them for a sex tips post this weekend.}

TODD:  The guys who read it and figured it out, loved it and thanked me for it. So I guess it struck a chord with a few readers. But I don’t think I need to give White guys advice on anything, America is their oyster, and they’ve done quite well up to this point. Plus, those who feel they need help would probably turn to physical support. (What’s that stuff called, exTENZ ?)  If I did write a sex guide for White Men, I’m sure I’d get a ton of hate mail from Black men stating, “What you helpin’ them motherfuckers for, they don’t need no help. Even if they can't fuck they still get all of the women.”

 

SUSAN:  (LOL)  Todd, explain the White Male Happy Meal.  It sounds like a burger with blow job, but it’s not quite that, is it?

TODD:  I basically blame White men for the creation of the fragile female psyche. White males, who determine what is sexy in America, prefer their women thin, and in some cases, super thin with large breasts. In order to be super thin and have large breasts, unless you’re a freak of nature, you may have to get some work done. The White male preference for a certain look is at the crux of eating disorders, extreme dieting, excessive plastic surgeries, and unnecessary plastic surgeries.

 

SUSAN:  I don’t think so.  We can’t blame this one on white guys.  True, rich men opt for the very thin--though usually not big-breasted thin women in high society/high fashion circles.  You see a far greater range of breasts sizes in New York City than in L.A.   Men opt for the model figure as another proof of their economic power.  They can buy the best, as judged by society.  WOMEN—yes, mostly white women—perpetrate the skinny role model.  The men involved in the fashion industry are often gay.  The ideal female figure is determined by a subset of women and gay men.  Can we give the white man a break here?

TODD:  Of course, there are no absolutes. I hear from White guys who swear they love big women, and they swear that every White man they’ve ever met also loves big women. And I always ask, “Well, who exactly are the magazine covers, movie screens, porn dvd’s, and strip clubs trying to please?” They always say, “Well, probably White guys, but not anyone I know.”

SUSAN:  Women!   They’re trying to please the women consumers who buy the magazines!!  Strippers?  They usually are not skinny.  Voluptuous and curvy.   Porn?  Most of the girls, white or black, aren’t fashion model thin either.  There are categories of fat girl porn, which appeal to white men as well as black. 

TODD:  Fair enough. Brothers like Juice, as in Juicy-ness, as in "meat on the bones." There’s a lot of Black women out there who are built like Michelle Obama, and there’s a lot of Black men who love that particular build. There’s a lot of White men who consider the 1^st Lady fat, and there’s a lot of White women who wouldn’t wanna look like Michelle (even if it’s their natural size). Hips, ass, thighs, and yes, breasts (any size, real or fake, cuz they’re for Go, not for Show) is what pleases Black men. The point of the White Male Happy Meal chapter, is to tell women that “If you gotta go under the knife or starve yourself, to attract a man or keep a man, more than likely, he’s not worth it.” Superficial begets superficial..... 

 

SUSAN:   That’s a good message.  Many women, however, have cosmetic surgery these days to hold on to their jobs.  This is a complex subject.  Who are these white people calling the First Lady “fat”??  I have not heard that.  The men I know think she’s hot.  The women admire her, physically and otherwise.  She looks like a goddess.  So, we disagree on this one.    Before I let you go, I have to ask you the questions readers want answered.  Several young black women ask if you think the younger women are as "full of attitude" as the women they call ABOWs (Angry Old Black Women)?  Their phrase, not mine!

TODD:  One of the points I make in my book is that Black women have a right to have an attitude in some cases, but not in ALL cases (they just never got the memo, LOL). Here’s an excerpt from the chapter ‘Once you go Black, you don’t go back. Why?’: “Black women routinely have to tip-toe through a minefield of Black men. That minefield consists of men who are Dogs, Players, Unemployed, Incarcerated, Gay/on the Down Low, or HIV positive. Other ethnic groups have many of the same problems; it’s just magnified in the Black community because there’s a well-documented growing shortage of good Black men.” 

SUSAN:  White women are hitting their own deficit number wall now too.  Women in their thirties, who are out-earning the men they date, complain  of not finding their match.  Women over forty say that the only available, attractive men are much younger.  All women, white and black, should sit down together and say, “Hey, we’re better than most of the guys we meet.  What now?”  Maybe we can strategize solutions for everyone.  And by the way, the sisters want to know:  What does your Mama have to say about all this, Brother?  

TODD:  When I moved to Chicago, the first thing my mother said was, “Good, maybe now you can find a nice Black girl and settle down.” I took her sentiments to heart, and I immediately went to work. My first encounter with a Black female in Chicago went like this:

Black female: Is you marry?

Me (confusingly): Am I merry?…..You mean like Christmas?

Black female: Never mind! (She turned and walked away)

True story, and it was all downhill from there, LOL!

 

SUSAN:  Ouch.  Again, an education issue.  Last question until next week:   Some white women ask:  Are you calling us "easy"?

TODD:  Easy? Absolutely not! Women are only easy when they want to be. Some women may be easier than others, but as an average guy, I always felt that timing was as important as race or status. Good things tend to happen most often when you’re in the right place, at the right time, with the right person. When you’ve got the right place, time, and person in your corner, the rest can certainly be easy.  

 

SUSAN:  Oh, yes.  I’ve gone to bed with a man I just met—and I’ve made others wait for weeks—and still others only got the privilege of buying dinner.  When it’s right—I’m easy.  Otherwise, not so much.  

Next week, more on race and sex with Todd Wooten.  Like my dialogues with Alex Zola on sex, money, lies and alpha women/beta men, these conversations give us the chance to talk about the sociological factors affecting our sex lives.  We're not hamstrung by PC editorial codes.  Really, our truths shall set us all free.

 

A NEW CONVERSATION: A BLACK MAN TELLS ME WHY HE LOVES WHITE WOMEN--

I never understand how people can harbor so much anger and resentment about someone else’s sex life, but some do.  They foam at the mouth over same sex couples, interracial couples, cougars and their cubs, codgers and their girls, BDSM players--or just anyone who has more sex with more partners than they do or ever did. When you add race to sex—you may create a real witches’ brew.   The angry, resentful people don’t just have opinions; they’re ready to kill you over them.

There was quite a hullabaloo (a favorite word of Southern cousins and Indian friends) over The New York Press essay that I fear will define my career.  I wrote that I found black skin more attractive, more sensually appealing, than white—and more importantly, that the black men I’d known were generally better lovers than their white contemporaries at forty and beyond. (The Boy Toy, who is neither black nor white, isn't forty yet, but he says he will continue to amaze me even past his "sell by" date.:)

My thesis:  Middle-aged white guys lose their sexual mojo, but black men don’t.  (Read the first essay and the more nuanced conversation with Zola—including a mea culpa to black women—before you hurl tirades at me, Babes and Boys.)

I cannot tell you how many women argued:  "You don't choose a man based on his skin color or his physical appearance; you look for what's inside."

Uh huh.  The initial attraction between a man and a woman is physical.  If a man can have a preference for blondes or curvy or skinny women, booties or long legs, young or older--why can't I have a preference for the tall, darker and handsome guy?

When I dashed off that piece five years ago, I never thought it would be alive on the web today, still bringing me some hate mail but more fan/love letters, from black men of all ages who got a kick out of reading my Valentine to them.  About half my Facebook friends are young black men. In fact, it led my new partner in conversation, Todd Wooten, to contact me.

Todd is an African American man married to a white woman for eighteen years and the father of three teens.  He’s a Chicago-area Fire Captain/Paramedic, former Marine (who saw combat duty in Beirut in the early 80s), former U.S. Army Ranger and former prison guard.  You don’t want to mess with Todd.   I’m glad he has my back.

A few weeks ago Todd asked if I would read the two volumes of his self-published book:  White Men Can’t Hump (As Good As Black Men, volume one and White Men Can't Hump (As Good As Black Men) volume two.  Controversial title?  His “mission” with the book is to “force a discussion on race in America.”  He calls it a “perceptions” book and writes at length about stereotypes and prejudices and the real experiences of black men in white society, including how that has or has not changed in his 46 years.  Can’t Hump is well-researched and thought-provoking, but too long.  (He tells us what black people really say about white people when we're not around; and that takes some time.) An introduction hints at the book I want him to write:  a memoir of growing up in his remarkable family, serving his country, firefighting—and his personal coming to terms with race in America. 

Todd and I have something in common:  Our use of provocative statements to elicit a dialogue.  Keep that in mind as you read.

ME:  Todd, I have a pile of emails from black men on why they love or like or do have or want to have sex with white women.  I plan to put them into a context and create an article.  (Then I want to hear from black women and white men on their own interracial fantasies and realities.)  Any thoughts on all this?

TODD:  Susan, I wish I could give you a straightforward answer, but the answer to your question can vary as much as human fingerprints.  There are several trends and factors that consistently come into play when examining black male/white female relationships.  Can I give you a few that come immediately to mind?

And the words poured out of him.  (Our next conversation, I promise, will be more traditionally Q/A.)  Many of you are going to take umbrage at some of his words, maybe all of them. Take a deep breath.  Send me your questions for Todd--and I'll add them to the ones I plan to ask him next week.

Here is what Todd had to say, uninterrupted, as an essay:

 

ATTITUDES

Black women carry a ton of attitude, and white women don’t. One could argue that white women don’t endure the double-whammy of racism and sexism, so therefore, have different life experiences. But the reason for the attitude is irrelevant, the bottom line is, many black men feel that black women are: too difficult, too demanding, and too selfish.

Black women buy into that “I’m a Nubian Princess” or “I’m a Black Queen” bullshit. So if a woman walks around like she’s a queen, and wants to be treated like a princess, but brings nothing to the relationship but sex and complaining, it becomes practical to seek sex elsewhere and discard the “complainer.”

Individual preference obviously plays a key role, but as we get older and wiser, our preferences can evolve, and, we also have the ability to adapt to our surroundings. I here from Bruthas all the time who espouse their love for “Black Nubian Goddesses” but they work in a predominantly white environment, and the ladies are giving them the eye. Now if you ain’t gettin’ nothin’ but headaches at home, and the forbidden fruit is now giving you the wandering-eye, it’s usually just a matter of time!  [He laughs.]

Personally, all of my relationships with black women were miserable failures. In my high school years I was routinely dismissed because I wasn’t popular and wasn’t an athlete. In my post-Marine Corps years, when I moved to Chicago, I was routinely dismissed because “I sound too white when I talk” and “I can’t be wit no man who works at a prison.” I think I’m fairly presentable, but many of the black women I came in contact with, even educated Sistas, preferred the “thug-type” or someone extremely successful (music exec, rapper, ballplayer, etc.). This left very little room for the “middle of the road guys,” like myself.

Strangely enough, the same women who showed early interest, but concluded I wasn’t their cup-of-tea, weren’t too happy when I started showing up at these same venues with a white woman on my arm. Suddenly I became desirable, but I concluded that I was desirable for all of the wrong reasons and I never took the bait.

I’ve never been hindered by the black female attitude because I’ve always been able to cross racial lines and attract white and Latino women. I love all women, but the truth is, there are differences in black and white women, and those differences can impact an individual’s personal preferences. Physical features immediately come to mind.

PHYSICAL FEATURES

Many black men are enamored with white women’s hair. If you grew up in a household with black women (sisters, mother, etc.), you became familiar with their hair texture. So the first time you make contact with long flowing white female hair, it can be intoxicating. You’ll find yourself lying in bed running your fingers through their hair and sometimes vice versa.

Smells! I’m not going to say white women have better hygiene habits—that would be ignorant—but I will say that white women always seem to smell good. They seem to make that extra effort, even if they’re just going to the grocery store or the gym or running errands. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve smelled perfume at the Post Office or grocery store, turned around, and seen a white woman in sweats with her hair pulled back in a ponytail. I don’t think they do it to get attention, because when you compliment them, they often seem genuinely surprised, as well as grateful (though some become nervous that a potential black rapist could be checkin’ them out). That little innocent compliment often opens up a mutual attraction.

MUTUAL ATTRACTION

Black men appreciate a woman who makes the extra effort to always look and smell good. White women are thrilled that their effort is “truly appreciated.”  It often goes unappreciated by White males, or at the least, is often taken for granted. I’ve seen white women melt when given the smallest of compliments, which tells you they’ve been neglected in that area. So when a black man swoops in, and the sex is good or maybe just different, the white woman feels wholly satisfied. Feeling satisfied emotionally and sexually for the first time can be overwhelming. White women then try to reciprocate that feeling with their mate, which brings us to the last factor, sex.

SEX

I’ve often been told that White women do things in bed that Black women wouldn’t do on their wedding night. I don’t want to get into the whole thing about “Black women don’t give head, or Black women don’t swallow, or Black women don’t do anal.” Many women of all races don’t partake in said activities, so some of these stereotypes are unfair, even if somewhat true. I’ve read Kinsey studies and many other polls, surveys and studies, which unequivocally state black women would rather receive oral sex than give it. That can be interpreted as selfishness, and given the fact that there’s currently a shortage of black men, if true, black women may want to do some soul-searching. The disproportionate incarceration rates, black-on-black crime, infant mortality rates, and HIV/AIDS, have created a reverse-China effect. (China currently suffers from a lack of women because of restrictions on family size). Black women are acutely aware of this imbalance because it plays a major role in the number of single mothers. Bruthaz are hittin’ and runnin’ because THEY CAN, period.

The shortage of black men has increased their dating options, and this has coincided with a more racially-tolerant, politically-correct, social landscape.

Many black men now find themselves as wanted commodities. They’re highly sought after by black and white women alike, and when the numbers are in your favor, why not enjoy? (Asian women still prefer white men because they were raised to believe that black is BAD, and Latino women are often raised to stick with their own).

I think the contrast in physical make-up adds to the attraction between black and white (the same could also apply to white men and black women). In my experiences, I’ve found it’s the little things that make the biggest difference. The contrast of big full lips overwhelming smaller thinner lips can be a major turn-on. Touching in places that have been neglected in the past can also be a major turn-on. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard white women say “No one has ever sucked my breast like that” or “No one has ever grabbed my ass during lovemaking like that.” [A hearty laugh.]

Sorry to go on and on, but there’s a lot more to this subject than meets the eye….

 

Yes Todd, there is. In our next conversation, I want you to explain the White Male Happy Meal—and also get your take on that common maxim:  Once you go black, you don’t go back.  And, of course, my black women friends already want to know:  What does your Mama have to say about all this, Brother?  and some white women friends ask:  Are you calling us "easy"?

SEX AND RACE: How That Conversation Keeps Getting Me In Trouble--What Happened After I Got Mugged in Harlem--and How That Was All About Sexual Judgment

In part two of the Race/Sex interview with Alex on The Zola System blog, we discuss my mugging --and the response I got when I wrote about it for The New York Press.

Here is the interview in its entirity:

Twenty-one years ago, one my professors, Miles Davis’ former press agent the late Marc Crawford, sent me and several other students to St. Nicks Pub in Harlem to hear some jazz at a venue he described as “legendary.”  We were all giddy to see the music Crawford told us was “American classical” in a majestic club that helped to make jazz part of the national lexicon.  What we found was a hole in the wall joint complete with drug dealers and locals glaring at the dumb NYU kids who managed to find their way uptown.   I still don’t know how the five of us got below 14^th Street with our scalps intact.

 So all these years later, when my dear friend Susan Crain Bakos started going up to hear various acts play their gigs, I wasn’t thrilled.  But, then again, the whole island was gentrifying and so was Harlem.  How bad could it be? 

 Well, last year, Susan got mugged outside St. Nicks and I had to go collect her.  When I walked in the joint, I swear the same eyes from 1988 were looking through us. 

 In today’s interview, Susan and I discuss her mugging, the New York Press piece that followed and the really pissed off responses including more death threats from people who need to get a life. 

Q.   For our mutual safety, especially mine, we are conducting this interview from a secure bunker somewhere other than Manhattan, the undisclosed location previously used by a certain Vice President who shall remain out of office.  My first question:  Why didn’t you listen to me when I told you not to hang out at St. Nicks Pub where you were knocked down and robbed in front of a group of bar regulars who did nothing to help?

A.  In retrospect, I should have listened to you but until I hit the pavement on the back of my head and the small of my back, I naively assumed that the small-time drug dealers and buyers who do business there wouldn’t bother the jazz crowd.  I’d witnessed some minor skirmishes at the pub in the past, but they were between marijuana dealers, petty little thugs.   I knew the guy who knocked me down and stole my bag.  He is a hairdresser in the ‘hood who did my hair twice—and kept asking for more money, a gift, a loan, whatever, because he had to settle with his dealer.   Nobody tried to intervene.  They stood by while a 6’5” 250 pound man knocked down a woman half his size.   And they were mad because I called the cops! 

Q.   (Laughing) The place was the same moldy dive 22 years ago when I went there for the first time.  And how did calling the cops work out for you?

A.  They asked me what I was doing uptown alone at 10:30 at night.  When I said I was going into the pub to hear jazz, they couldn’t believe it.  “What is a woman like you doing in a place like that?” Good music, cheap drinks, no cover.  That isn’t good enough?  Clearly they were not jazz aficionados or they would have realized that jazz is an expensive habit.  If you love it, you’re looking for the bargain.   They told me that “nobody in the bar saw nothin’ and that’s how these people are.”

Miles and Coltrane and Bird drank at that bar.  Billie Holiday sang on the tiny stage.  Every jazz musician who matters has been in St. Nicks Pub, to headline or jam or just drink.  Did I romanticize the place?  Hell, yes.

Q.  It was a bad experience all around.  Before you called me, you called that guy you’d been seeing.  He lived right around the corner but he couldn’t come rescue you.  What, was he only in it for the blowjobs?

A.  Yes, yes, he was.  I knew that.  But I really knew that when he couldn’t walk around the corner to see if I was okay and put me in a cab headed downtown.   He didn’t want anyone to know that we were lovers because he was very invested in his corporate image and I am a sex writer.  He was also seeing a rather blandly pretty little teacher; and I’m sure he didn’t tell her how much he loved those blow jobs.  If he hadn’t possessed such a fine cock…..

Q.  I know, I know.  However, given what a terrible night that was for you, why did you decide to write about the experience for The New York Press? 

A.  I was annoyed that the police couldn’t manage to pick up my assailant when I knew who he was and where he worked and would identify him and press charges.   If they couldn’t at least make him sit in jail overnight, I thought I might get him fired by identifying him and his employer in the paper.   Honestly, I do believe that they would have gone after him if I were a social worker or corporate manager and not a sex writer.   Years ago a writer for Forbes magazine joked when introducing me at a party that I was “the high class call girl of journalism”.   That attitude is pervasive.   You write about sex; you are open about your own sex life—and, therefore, you are a slut.   A sex writer alone at a jazz bar in Harlem is a slut looking for action and, in this case, finding trouble.  When something bad happens, like a mugging, you find out how people really think.  The judgmental Puritanical American character is squirming beneath the skin of many people who try to appear more cosmopolitan about sexuality.

In the interests of full disclosure, I admit that I am a big flirt—which may be a contributing factor to the image problem.  On a few occasions, I kissed a man at the bar, mainly to annoy the man who was pretending we weren’t lovers, watching from across the room.  

Q.  A big flirt? Talk about the concept of understatement.  You once made out with your old friend, a broadcast journalist, in front of me at Caliban’s,

I have to admit I was relieved when you went to the bathroom,  You two were blocking my view of the blonde sitting in the window.

A.  Oh, yeah, he and I were a bit exhibitionistic together.  Did I ever tell you about the time in Soho….  Never mind.

Q.  So your motivation was to out the bastard who stole that green reptile skin bag and once again—all hell broke loose when the article was published.  You got more angry responses from that than you did from the one on sleeping with black men.   Why did so many people blame the victim?

A.  First, I broke the Harlem code of silence regarding crime reporting.  An African American male friend in Chicago called me when he read the article online and said, “Baby, if there’s one thing black people hate more than crime in the ‘hood, it’s the po-lice.”   Pub regulars were especially concerned about preserving their habitat.  Fine.  Then police the thugs yourselves.  Don’t stand by and let them knock a woman down and steal her handbag.

Q.  Ah, yes, the use of that word “thug” drew some ugly comments, didn’t it?

A.  Some readers assumed that I was labeling all African American males “thugs.”  Several drew the further conclusion that I must now hate all black men.  I was compared to Bay Buchanan.   Angry old white men wrote to tell me they didn’t want me back.  Yeah, guys, I had been petitioning for re-admission to that club.   A pretentious African American woman “intellectual” wrote an unintentionally hilarious diatribe about how my love of African American culture was part of the problem that led to me ending up on my back on concrete.  Married to a jazz musician who hit on me every time he saw me, she has spent years claiming that a famous woman writer stole her work.  The crazy people crawled out of the woodwork en masse.   Oh, yes, I heard from various sources that many men, pub regulars and musicians, were claiming they’d had sex with me.  (In three years of hanging out at St. Nicks Pub, I went home with two men, the aforementioned dick-matizer, and one very nice man who cooked for me a few times.  Best Senegalese food I’ve ever tasted.  I still have one of his white shirts.  Maybe I should return his calls.)

Q.  My favorite bit of stupidity came from the readers who thought the title—“My Harlem Romance Ended With A Head Bang” referred to romance with the thug who knocked you down.  That begs the question, why do so many people have trouble reading?

A.  That shocked me too!  It was so clear that the shattered “romance” was my romanticized idea of Harlem.   My favorite nasty note came from a white male literary agent who drew that “romancing the thug” conclusion and said I was out on a “booty mission” that turned ugly.  Jerry Portwood, the Editor-in-Chief, opted not to print his letter because the writer was “obviously motivated by some personal grudge. “ (Yes, he shopped for weed at the pub.)  I was a little disappointed.  Wouldn’t it have been interesting to see how women editors and writers responded to the “booty mission” remark?

The most ugly comments, including threats on my life, were posted on my blog.  I deleted them.  As you know, every time someone hits our blogs, their email addresses and computer IP numbers are recorded forever.   People who think they can menace someone in cyberspace and remain anonymous are stupid.  They should all hope nothing happens to me or they’ll be suspects.

Q.  Do you think those comments were motivated by your previous New York Press article on sleeping with black men?

A.  Yes, I do.  The consensus was:  You said you sleep with black men; therefore you will sleep with any black man; and it was inevitable that you would get hurt by one of them.   First, that argument is illogical; and, second, it is demeaning to black men as well as me.  I’ve never had sex with thugs, black or white.  You know some of my lovers; and they are professional men.

Q.  The responses exposed the underlying anger and racism and sexual judgment, didn’t they?

A.  I never understand how people can harbor so much rage and resentment about another person’s sex life.  But some do.  When you add race to sex—you may create a real witches’ brew.   The angry, resentful people don’t just have opinions; they’re ready to kill you over them.

Q.  How do you feel about Harlem now?

A.  I love Harlem!  It’s a vital, energetic and artistic community—with its own unique set of pros and cons like any city neighborhood has.  I am more aware of the problems now than I was a year ago; and I certainly got the message that a lot of black people remain angry at white people.   I don’t feel quite as safe as I did before I was knocked down.  I could get mugged anywhere in the city, of course.  It happens.  But if it happened in Gramercy Park, the cops would be more sympathetic—and manage to arrest the thug.

Q.  Do you expect a negative response again from this piece?

A.  I am more optimistic about race relations since Obama won.  The election changed the landscape immediately.  I was in Harlem on election night.  You could see it in every face, black and white, this beautiful transformation.  Yes, racism and sexism and ageism and many other forms of prejudicial behavior still exist.  But the President and First Lady, the Attorney General and the CEO of American Express—to name a few—are African Americans.   It’s a new world order, long in coming. 

Harlem can throw the thugs out of the jazz bars now. 

Although I agree with Susan, I just have to worry if the thugs leave the jazz bars, where are they going to go?

SEX AND RACE: How That Conversation Keeps Getting Me In Trouble--and Why I Still Love Black Men

Almost four years after I wrote a very controversial essay on sleeping with black men for The New York Press, Alex interviewed me on sex and race on his blog The Zola System.

Here is that interview:

As you all know, I get myself into trouble just by walking down the street.  However, when it comes to causing myself mischief, I am not close to my mentor and Auntie Mame, Susan Crain Bakos.  I may try to shoot off my toes, but she actually gets death threats.

As we all know, nothing like sells like sex and controversy and I wanted to know how Susan did it.

Q.   You wrote an essay for The New York Press three years ago on how you prefer black men in bed—and all hell broke lose.  Letters to the editor from white men and black women were vitriolic.  I remember that one white guy had to be forcibly restrained from throwing a bar stool at you in a quiet
Gramercy Park pub.   And hasn’t an angry black woman blogger gone to the trouble of manipulating search engines to keep her angry tirade against you at the top when your name is googled?

A.   Oh, yeah, all that happened and more.  On the other hand, I heard from some black women who prefer white men and weren’t upset with me at all.  Regarding the woman blogger:  I have never read what she had to say.  You know how I feel about haters who go for the personal mean-spirited attack rather than taking on ideas.  I delete people who can’t be courteous, rational, reasonable and logical when they disagree with me.  I’m certainly not seeking out her blog.  I’ve heard about it from other people, mostly friends who were offended by what she wrote and black men who still write to tell me that they bought one of my books in support.  If she’s that invested in search engine manipulation, that’s her problem, not mine.  I have a life.   Thank you, she has sold books for me.

Q.  What exactly did you say to piss all these people off?

A.  I said that middle aged white guys lose their sexual mojo—but black men don’t. Aging Boomer—and now Gen X—white men appear to be conflicted about male sexuality—to the point where they have low sexual energy.  Plus, they don’t take very good care of themselves as a group.  So many soft and bloated bellies out there!  Middle-aged women tend to look much better.  I am sure that we white women played a role in the de-sexing of the white American male by focusing on all the negatives of sex:  abuse, rape, incest, harassment and admonishing him not to flirt with us as we were serious working women.   I caution that this falls under the category of broad general statement but:  White culture doesn’t support male sexuality in the same way that African American culture does.  (I’m talking about American men; European and Australian white men seem to have it going on.) 

Q.  Susan, please tell us how you really feel.  Was there more?

A.  I also stated a physical preference for black skin over white.  And I described the rich, lush texture of black skin.  A woman who had bragged to me that her face wasn’t aging as fast as white women’s faces because “black don’t crack”—labeled me a “racist” for praising black skin.  Really.  Can she have it both ways?   

By the way, my friend says that the fifty-something men—white guys—that she sees at her husband’s golf club all look alike and project little or no sex appeal 

Q.  Why do you want to stir things up again?

A.  Oh, why not?  [Laughing] 

Q.  You are such a rebel.

A.  You know I love to provoke people!  Seriously, I dashed that essay off rather flippantly.  If I were writing it today, I would be more careful about making, or at least identifying, sweeping generalizations.  For example, there must be some middle aged single white guys who are still sexy.  And I would certainly take black women’s feelings more into account.

Q.  You didn’t realize that black women would take issue with your writing about your passion for black men—and theirs for you?

A.   I did not anticipate such rage.  An angry and well-educated black woman of a certain age got right in my face at a cocktail party and said, “Your great-great grandfather raped my great-great grandmother; and you have the nerve to talk about sleeping with black men.”  That is not appropriate or acceptable social behavior.  How the hell does she know what happened in generations past in my family?  For the record, a great-great grandfather did own slaves.  A great-grandfather was an abolitionist.  A great-grandmother was a light-skinned house slave.  I was born and raised in East St. Louis, Illinois.  The first penis I ever saw was black.   I did resent the condescending remarks from people who assumed I had emerged from my Ivory Snow background and discovered black men—“gone native” according to some—after age forty because white men didn’t want me any more.

Q.  I understand what you mean.  After all, weren’t your last two boy toys nice Jewish boys?

A.  Exactly!  But my background is crazy mixed up enough that I could state any skin color preference and insult someone who may be related to me.

Nonetheless, I would like to say:  I did not mean to put black women down.  Black women are beautiful.  They do age much better than white women.  Generalizing again, they have a lot of style.  When I moved to

Harlem, I marveled at how they dress for church on Sundays.  Magnificent hats, beautiful clothes. 
ncreasingly, interracial couples in Harlem are black woman/white man.   Good for them!  Older black women tell me that they were ostracized by “the brothers” for dating white guys in college, while those same brothers were crossing the race lines themselves.   Younger black women feel like they have more options; and they should feel that way because they do.

Q.   I get the impression that you are more concerned about explaining yourself to black women than to old white guys.  True?

A.  (Laughing).  True enough.   Squidgy—soft and pudgy—old white guys generally think more highly of themselves than the evidence indicates they should.  Part of their trouble may be simply this—and it’s an aspect of your Post Urban Culture theory—They grew up entitled and have finally reached an age where they know, or aggressively avoid knowing, that they’re not all that.   Black men didn’t grow up with that same unearned sense of entitlement. 

Q.  It’s going on four years since that essay—so I have to ask:  Do you still prefer black men in bed?

A.  Generally, yes!  Though I am quite fond of Boy Toys in different shades of skin, I still find that white men age out of their sexuality while black men don’t.    Black men are very sexy.  They do flirt; and they pull it off without making a woman feel she’s the object of licentious leering as, sadly, so many white guys do.   Hang out in Harlem and pay attention to how black men treat women.  They open doors, they pay compliments.  Their eyes light up with appreciation when women pass by; and they respond to a variety of sizes and shapes and colors.  They’re not afraid of women.

Q.  This is about penis size, right?  Are black men bigger?

A.  Statistically, black men are something like a fraction of an inch larger on average than white men.  That’s a negligible statistic.  I’ve known two really large cocks in my lifetime—one white, one black.  The race preference is not about penis size.  But I do think that a black cock is more aesthetically pleasing.  Some white cocks get that mottled red and purple look—which is not so appealing.

Q.  You do know that some people reading this are getting very angry with you.  They don’t like a woman saying she prefers big cocks or young cocks or black cocks or—

A.  Yes, big, young black cocks!  My Cougar dream.  [Laughing].  Let’s turn this around, Alex.  You prefer brunettes with olive skin, very pretty brunettes.  You want a woman young enough to have your babies—which is fairly selfish as you’re forty years old and were in no hurry to give someone her baby ten or twelve years ago.

But would anyone have to be restrained from throwing a barstool at you for preferring pretty young olive-skinned brunettes?

Q.  If they were throwing a bar stool at me, we can assume I said something to them and they took umbrage.  (laughs)  No.  I’m a guy.  I believe in the old saying:  Men fall in love through the eyes, women through the ears. We have to have what we have to have.

A.  I’m sorry, but you’re wrong.  Research studies show that women are more visual than men, are aroused more quickly by visual erotic stimuli—and also respond to a greater range of imagery than men do.  I have no patience with women who say it’s not about looks and go on to describe their instant deep feelings of love for their “soul mate.”   Initially, it was all about the way he looked when she first laid eyes on him.   That—and scent.  We smell our sex mates.  Nerve Zero is an olfactory nerve that transmits sex pheromones straight into the brain (bypassing the nose).

Love at first sight is really lust.  Some women just don’t recognize or acknowledge the truth about what attracts and arouses them in a particular man or men.

Q.  Hey, hey, I’m just the schmuck.  You’re the professional.

In the next interview, Susan and I discuss her Harlem mugging, why I had to go get her and the horrible response when she wrote about it.