SexyPrime, a blog by Susan Crain Bakos

"DON'T GO AGAINST THE VULVA!": 7 Questions With Mara Altman

 
  

Mara and I were drinking wine at Maxie’s Grill (19^th Street between Park and Irving) when she said; “You have to put yourself in your cunt.”

And so an idea was born: IT’S VULVA WEEK ON SEXYPRIME!

We’d just taped an interview with Steve Otero for his Mondos Eros radio show. I believe we made web radio history, the first ever interview on the steps of Maxie’s—and while sharing a mobile on speakerphone setting. (I’d left my phone in the Boy Toy’s bed after breaking up with him that day.) Not one to waste access to a quotable person, I pressed her to do a 7 Questions interview with me before calling it a night. They are very patient with me at Maxie’s where I’ve been known to engage strangers in animated conversations about their sex lives—but I won’t try your patience here. Let’s cut to the chase.

7 Questions With Mara Altman, author of Thanks for Coming: One Young Woman’s Quest For An Orgasm (Harper Perennial)

SUSAN: Mara, my readers who have read the previous post, The Orgasm Quest, know that you went in search of your own orgasm and more or less found it. You describe your first one as akin to a sneeze. The journey makes for one of the most entertaining sex books ever written—though I advise readers to pick up my books when they are ready for actual sex tips.

My first question is: What was the big lesson you took away from your quest?

MARA: I learned how to get my f’ing O. I learned what I like and how to communicate that to a lover without any kind of shame/embarrassment or neurotic societal absorbed it-s-not-okay-to-be-assertive B.S. Okay, with a little bit but a lot less than before.

The biggest lesson for me was learning how to be intimate with another person. You have to know yourself before you can let someone else into your space. I had always wanted to please, but it’s not about that. I also learned that there is more to life than work.

SUSAN: I hate that word—intimate. Women throw it around as if it were holy water sprinkled on sex acts to take the nasty out of them. I prefer “connect” or “know” even “relate to” though I hate re-la-tion-ship. But I’ll let you pass this time.

At the end of your yearlong trek through Sex World (the sex education/research industrial complex)—do you consider yourself a skilled lover now?

MARA: I’ve brought myself up to normal now. I know that I have been cerebral about things that should be carnal. I hope to become more orgasmic and more adept as a lover. I want to take my orgasm to the superhighway.

SUSAN: And who knows what is “normal”? You are an adorable petite woman with those big doe eyes—the requisite hair strands falling innocently across them—the vulnerable type many men love. Yet I sense you could leave a man crippled and broken and take no responsibility for the maiming. Perhaps in girl terms, that is “normal.”

How important do you think the cock is to orgasm?

MARA: It’s not. It doesn’t matter at all. That was a surprise. I wanted it to be more.

SUSAN: So, you had the great feminine awakening: I am responsible for my own orgasm?

MARA: The more I went down the road of expecting him to do it for me, the further I got from orgasm. I was separating myself from my genitals—and expecting him to make my equipment work for me.

SUSAN: You didn’t masturbate, did you?

MARA: Not very much—and not effectively. I was inhibited. I know that sounds ridiculous since I was raised by sex-positive parents. Now I tell women: Go fuck yourself and please enjoy.

SUSAN: And you had some body issues with your genitals?

MARA: I worried that there might be something wrong with me. I was afraid to touch myself What if I wasn’t normal? I’d been to the gynecologist so apparently everything was all right, but I wasn’t confident.

SUSAN: And what is the best orgasm you ever had (to date)?

MARA: In the fMRI machine at Rutgers. I wanted to please the scientists, especially Barry. He’s such a sweet man.

SHE DID IT FOR SCIENCE (Okay, Maybe Not): Seven Questions With Reverend Jen

If you live, work or hang out on Manhattan's Lower East Side, you may have passed on the street a pretty brunette wearing fake elf ears walking (or carrying) her chihuahua dog.  Asking the question, "Who/What the hell was that?" indicates that you are so uncool you don't even recognize the self-proclaimed Patron Saint of the Uncool and Voice of the Downtrodden and Tired:  Reverend Jen.  And if you are so uncool, are you not de facto one of her flock.

A mail order minister ordained by the Universal Life Church, Reverend Jen has an MFA in painting from Manhattan's School of Visual Arts.  She is, among other things, a performance artist, painter, playwright, curator of The Troll Museum, and author of Live Nude Elf (Soft Skull Press),  based on her years as a columnist for nerve.com.  (You may also remember her as the Elf Queen in the underground porn flick, "Lord of the Cockrings."  She has a varied career.)

I heard Jen read from Live Nude Elf at a sex writers panel held earlier this week at The Sex Museum.  I digress just a minute to complain about the space allotted for this event:  a narrow boxy room with harsh lighting and no air conditioning -- not even fans.  Was the museum designed for masochists or meant to be used by the CIA for interrogating prisoners?  In spite of the environment, the panel, Zak Smith, Jonathan Ames and Reverend Jen performed admirably well.  After hearing Jen read a hilarious excerpt from her book, I knew I had to get her answers to seven questions for my readers.

Buy this book!

Seven Questions With Reverend Jen

1.  Who came up with your book's title, Live Nude Elf, and what is the significance?

Originally the book was going to be called "I Did It for Science" which had been the name of my column, but Nerve owned that title so I couldn't use it. My editors at Soft Skull, my agent (Jonathan Ames) and I were scrambling to come up with a new title just a few days before it went to print. I said, "I can't think of anything!" and I jumped in the shower in order to de-stress. As I began to soap up my naked elf body the title popped into my head. Since I'm naked throughout a good 80% of the book and since I've been wearing prosthetic elf ears for most of my adult life, it seemed appropriate.

2.  What motivated you to write about your sex life for nerve.com?

Ada Calhoun, who had interviewed me for a New York Magazine article about the Downtown performance scene, became an editor at Nerve. She suggested I pitch some stories to them, which I did. They then offered me the column and I was, financially, in no position to refuse.

3.  Ah, yes, the financial motive -- my inspiration twenty years ago for writing a monthly column on my orgasms for Penthouse Forum.  How did the writing affect your sex life?

When I started to write the column, I was in the midst of trying to "pull out" of a relationship that had become like Vietnam -- very messy. It was with a man who tried to control every aspect of my life and the column gave me the freedom to walk away, find new lovers and embark on the vaginal adventure of a lifetime. After all, it was my job! I also really embraced some of the things I learned along the way (g-spot orgasms and tantric sex in particular.)

4.  Do you ever have trouble separating your public sex persona from the private person?

I think sometimes people read the columns and they think I'm just par-taying, fucking and drinking all day and night. The private me is actually one of the most disciplined artists on the planet. My first love is writing followed closely by fucking and drinking.

5.  You've said that some of the comments people made on Nerve's website hurt your feelings. (People can be so mean on the internet where they are anonymous; I take care of them with the Delete button on my own blog.) Why did you read those comments?

Curiosity got the better of me, and while the majority of reader comments were positive, the negative comments were so personal and hostile, they shocked me. In retrospect, I realize they were the work of jealous haters. You know, some dude who hates women and is sitting in front of his computer in his underwear, surrounded by empty Chinese food takeout containers, feeling sorry for himself because he hasn't gotten laid in a decade, is not gonna take kindly to a fabulous strong woman writing with glee about how she sucked someone else's dick and had a great time doing it.

6.  Yes, I also believe that the haters lead sad, lonely pathetic lives.  What is sex like now that you don't write about it anymore?

Sex has taken on more of a mystical quality since the column ended. Even when it's kinky or a quickie, I'm still consciously giving and receiving energy as I learned to do in the tantric sexperiment. These days sex is my favorite psychedelic drug. Also sex is far more relaxing now that it's not on a deadline. (Though I should mention that I still write about sex plenty but I do so in laboriously constructed journal entries, which will remain under lock and key until the next book deal.)

7.  What is the one thing that most people don't get about sex?

I think the notion that sex is a goal-oriented activity leads to a lot of crappy sex. Everyone is so busy trying to shoot loads or to get their partner to shoot loads, or to shoot loads at the same time as their partner or whatever that they forget that just feeling good is good enough. Sex is not brain surgery. It should be fun. Life is stressful. Sex should not be. And don't forget to be really nice to whoever it is you're about to fuck. Niceness is always in style.

NO ORDINARY WIFE: My Interview With The Amazing Jackie Christie

About a year ago I was lunching with a group of women in media.  The subject turned to basketball wives -- and then, of course, to Jackie Christie, one of the more famous basketball wives.  One woman said, "She won't let Doug go anywhere without her."

I put up my hand to forestall further comment.

"I know the Christies.  Doug doesn't want to go anywhere without her.  He is madly in love with his wife."

Jackie and Doug Christie have one of the most compelling love stories I've ever read.  In their book No Ordinary Love:  A True Story of Marriage and Basketball, they describe that love, their shared intense commitment to marriage--and the problems that caused them when he was playing pro basketball.  It's hard to have a strong marriage in the NBA where beautiful and available women are perks of the game--but they did it.   They renew their wedding vows every year on July 8.  How romantic is that?  Now Jackie, a model/actress/designer as well as wife and mother, has written a second book, a woman's empowerment guide, Woman:  A Practical Guide to Loving the Skin You're In.  A third, Proud To Be A Colored Girl, is out soon.

I am a big fan of Jackie Christie.  She is a strong woman who stands up for her beliefs; and she is a warm, compassionate, sexy lady.  Jackie hails from Seattle, not the South, but she is a true Steel Magnolia, tough and courageous, but gentle, loving and unabashedly feminine.  I want her to write a sex guide for wives because I know she is the woman who could make marriage seem like a hot option.

Here is my interview with Jackie.  I hope it inspires you to read her books.  No matter your religious faith or marital status, you will find Jackie a supportive sister, encouraging your own personal empowerment.


SEVEN QUESTIONS WITH JACKIE CHRISTIE

SUSAN:  Jackie, you are a beautiful woman, inside and out.  One of the things I love about you is the way you express your beautiful self in your books and photos.  You radiate confidence, but none of that haughtiness we often see in models.  You are approachable.  A woman can look at your photos and say, "She's gorgeous, but I like her; we could be friends."  How do you pull that off--being beautiful without intimidating other women?

JACKIE:  Wow!  Thanks, Susan!  All women are beautiful. We have been socialized to believe that only models with a certain look are "beautiful."  A woman with inner serenity and happiness will always outshine one who only has outer beauty.  We all want to know we are gorgeous, strong and sexy.  Self-doubt holds women back from believing in themselves.  I encourage women to do what makes them feel good whether that is coloring hair, losing an extra five pounds -- whatever gives her that added confidence.

 

SUSAN:  I've heard it before, but my readers may not have; and I love the story of you and Doug.  It is, in fact, one of the great love stories of our time.  Tell me about how you met Doug, when you knew he was the one, and how you had the patience to wait for him to realize that too.

 

JACKIE:  I met my husband Doug at a sports-themed restaurant in Seattle.  A mutual friend insisted that we should meet; and so one day it happened.  I was hesitant because I had heard the horror stories about male athletes who have many girls in every city.  The night I met him, four girls were standing by him, vying for his attention.  That did not help!  We talked for a few minutes and I went to dance.  We did not see each other again for a while.  One day I was at a comedy event with my girlfriends and he was there as well with his friends.  Again we said hello and exchanged pleasantries.  We did not exchange phone numbers until our third meeting.  And the rest is history!  I knew he was the one when I met him; and he was a complete gentleman, nothing like the stories I heard about pro athletes at all!  To hear more about our courtship, you have to get our book No Ordinary Love:  A True Story of Marriage and Basketball! :)

 

SUSAN:  Readers, it is a wonderful book and will restore your lost faith in love.  In my opinion, the people who have attacked you, Jackie, like, for example, Bryant Gumble, just don't understand how two people can love one another as much as you and Doug do.  I personally have never experienced that kind of love, but I can understand it; I see it in the two of you.  To me, that love is like a glowing fire that warms everyone who comes near it.  People who are jealous or resentful are sad human beings.  But how do you maintain your serenity when people say mean and ugly things?  My first response on reading Woman was, "This is just like a visit with Jackie; her warmth, common sense and serenity permeate every page."  How did you develop the serenity?

 

JACKIE:  Thank you Susan.  You know the old saying: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me!"  I have God in my life and I love and accept me for who I truly am.  None of the mean-spirited stories are true about me or my values.  Knowing that, I am able to look past the ignorance and hatred and live my life with my loving and beautiful husband and family and friends as well as the many people that have chosen to know the real Jackie Christie.  I believe in forgiveness even if the person is so undeserving of it.  Who am I to judge?  I just say the serenity prayer to myself: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom and knowledge to know the difference."

 

SUSAN:  What is the best advice you can give a woman for finding her own inner peace and happiness?

 

JACKIE: I would say to love yourself unconditionally, tell yourself every single day how beautiful you are and how much you appreciate and love you!  That will be the foundation of true self acceptance which in turn will enable them to find peace in themselves and happiness will surely follow!

 

SUSAN:  You have a lot of great advice about discovering and developing personal style in Woman.  What is the first thing you would tell a woman to do if she can't find her style fit?

 

JACKIE:  I would tell them to be themselves, because every woman has style automatically! Just because we are taught that style is wearing the latest fad does not mean women are not fashionable wearing their own unique style of clothing. So I always tell woman to just be themselves and wear what is comfortable to them and lastly be confident in yourself and your own personal style. You will be a winner!

 

SUSAN:  Tell me about the new book -- and the clothing line.  And where can readers buy the clothes?

 

JACKIE:  Thanks for asking Susan! My new book is titled Proud to be a Colored Girl and I feel so very passionate about it. I wanted to share with women across the world how much we are all really alike in so many ways. Women all have color to their skin, no matter what the shade. We are all very beautiful colored girls and should be proud to be. In is an inspirational book written to uplift, inspire, and empower all women the world over!

 

My clothing line to the book is called Colored Girl Clothing. It is 100% organic cotton so the clothing is eco friendly as well as beautiful. I'm launching a T-shirt and accessory line now, but I will add organic denim jeans and jackets soon! They will debut on May 9th and May 12th 2009 respectively, the clothing May 9th and the book May 12th.

 

There is also a beautiful song to the book and line as well, also called Colored Girl from the famed artist Bobby Tinsley (www.myspace.com/bobbytinsley). It makes me cry with joy every time I hear it!

 

SUSAN:  And what is your best sex tip for wives?  (My readers will kill me if I don't get a sex tip from one of the great sexy wives of all time. :))

 

JACKIE:  LOL, this is a great question! OK, my 4 best sex tips for women are:

 

1. Open your mind and your body will follow!
2. Passion is a sure partner pleaser. Make sure you let your partner know you are enjoying the intimacy.
3. If you are comfortable with your body, it will show.
4. Talk to your partner close to his ear. It will surely please him!

SUSAN: Thank you, Jackie!  Let's do another Q/A again soon.  You are one of my favorite women -- and definitely a hero to me and many, many others.

Sex and the Single Black Man: Ali "A" Abdullah Answers Seven Questions

Ali Abdullah is a remarkable young man. Not yet 25, he has been actively involved in charitable works for years. His blog Map'nOut is a fun and informative read in a "young man about Harlem" style. He reports on fashion, sports, Hip Hop events and other activities--and pokes some fun at politicians. But his soul is in his good works. Ali writes about charity events he attends, bringing more attention to the causes. His own organization, Fifth Avenue Sports League, sponsors basketball competition for both genders and brings in professional athletes and business and community leaders to mentor young people.

Ali has soul in every sense of the word. When I asked him to comment on Sex and the Single Black Men, I knew he would respond openly, honestly, with heart--and a good dose of humor.

Here is Ali:

Q.  There are so many myths/beliefs about black male sexuality.  (Myths/beliefs like:  black men have bigger penises; black men won't go down on a woman; black men can't be monogamous; black men are rough in bed; black men don't like foreplay or public displays of affection.)  What do you think is the biggest misconception?

A. I have to go with “black men won't go down on a woman” Why? This is something that I always highlighted since my early days of studying sex. Now, it’s a different story!

Q.  Once I wrote an essay in which I said that black men after 40 are sexier than white men--because while men seem to lose their sexual edge.  Wow!  Did I get slammed for that.  What do you think about the differences in male sexuality determined by age and/or race?

A. Honestly, age should never be a factor for physical attraction or when it comes to getting some action! (Unless your partner is underage) However, there should be more than just a physical attraction when it comes to sex at the age of 40. Now, if you put this in my shoes, the only thing I will look down on is if she’s grey haired!

Q.  Black women tell me that black men don't want to commit, that they don't want to take their lovers out, but want a woman to be home waiting for them to show up for a good meal and sex.  Truth in that?  Or not?

A. Truth be told, I am 23yrs old and I have never been in a relationship, but I’ve treated sisters out plenty of times (will acknowledge) and I understand what is required to make a relationship work…now the catch is finding the ideal partner. Additionally, I am a simple guy, and all I expect my woman to do is be loyal, honest, cool and down for the Abdullah experience! I will hire a chef to handle meal duties, or as a couple we will cook together, because as we all know, Ali has the recipe.

Q.  What do you find the sexiest qualities in a woman?

A. 1 hard worker 2 sporty appearance 3 confidence 4 discipline 5 down to earth (can go on a roller coaster)

Q.  What have you experienced or observed about interracial sexual liaisons?

A. Well, the best way for me to answer this question is, I’ve picked different fruit from the tree….and they all have been ‘fresh’! The wider the variety the better….thanks to the creation of fruit salads!

Q.  How would you describe the sexual scene in Harlem?

A. TERRIBLE! This question requires serious attention…But, from what I see, sisters are confused on what kind of guy they are looking for. In addition, everything now-a-days is about making a fashion statement. 70% of Harlem couples are pretending to be someone that they aren’t, plus there is a large percentage of individuals who are not independent…It seems that most Harlem citizens are impressed by someone wearing Gucci shoes…but don’t look at the fact that these are the same people living with their parents/families…Come on, let’s get real! But as I mentioned earlier, this question is very complicated to breakdown.

Q.  What was the best sex you ever had?

A. Ummmm, the first time my bed arrived into my place. This particular night, the stage was set for me to perform….since then, I have been nominated for every award, from the TONY to the ACADEMY! The freshness of the mattress enhanced my performance.

Meet The Man Who Gives Women A New Kind Of Happy Ending

Maybe you still believe in the fairy tale happy ending and maybe you are inclined to believe:  The prince will come, probably too soon; and you may not come at all.

Richard Anton Diaz, founder of Sexy Spirits, a not-for-profit sex education center in Manhattan, has created the perfect happy ending for every woman.  He teaches men how to become Orgasm Providers for women.  They perform this erotic touch service selflessly.  It's not about him, Babe; it's about you.

Born in New York City of Columbian parents, Anton is the quintessential Latin man.  Smoldering gaze, lean, taut body, intensely sexual but not in a threatening way.  With his ex-wife as his partner, he is a former world champion of ballroom dancing, a certified Taoist teacher, a one-time "lounge lizard" who briefly became a "Tantra wimp" and now teaches men how to be gods to their goddesses. 

He began to figure out sex, he says, when he realized that he had to let his wife "become the leading power" in their dance.  Shortly thereafter, they won the world championship.

Next big sex life lesson:

"I was fucking my wife and she said, 'You're not hard,'" he recalls.  "I couldn't believe it.  We had sex every day and I usually had one or two women on the side, some she knew about, some she didn't.  I was always hard.  The next morning, I woke up without an erection for the first time in my life.

"I didn't know who I was without a hard cock."

The doctor he consulted told him that's what happens to men in their forties and suggested a psychiatrist to help him through this mid-life crisis.

"I said I would rather put a gun to my head and shoot myself."

He went to a bookstore and found a book that had the words "health, sex, longevity" in the subtitle--and that subtitle changed his life.   Adapting dietary changes, studying the Taoist method of conserving sexual energy, working his way through Tantra--"which makes men feel guilty about being horn dogs"--Anton arrived eventually at something entirely his own:  the power of sensual, erotic touch focused entirely on the woman to dramatically change and improve women's and men's sex lives and their relationships.  (Yes, his dick did come back to life.)

His course on providing orgasms has five levels.  Men sign up for it because "They think they will have unlimited access to pussy," he jokes.  So many women volunteer that he has to turn them away.

His first message to men:  "Women own the sexual terrain now.  But they still want us to step up as men.  I don't teach men to provide orgasms as servants or wimps--but as gods."

Women have started asking for "happy endings" when they pay for a massage--something men have been doing forever. Whether she's in a relationship or not, a woman wants to be touched and stroked and fondled to orgasm, at least now and then.  The man who knows how to do that without making her feel reciprocity is immediately required is a god.

Go to the Sexy Spirits website and learn more.  Additionally, in the weeks ahead, I will observe and report on one of these "happy ending" experiences. 

New York Babeland's Head Babe

I had breakfast Thursday morning with Claire Cavanah, co-owner of the Babeland stores, celebrating their fifteenth anniversay this year.  She is one of my heroines; and I was delighted to find her as warm and charming in person as I imagined she would be.  What fun to talk about sex toys over cappucino and pane chocolate!

I asked her what changes she'd seen in the industry in the past decade and she replied, "First, higher quality products.

"Toys are more luxurious and beautifully designed.  As customers became more sophisticated and demanding, vendors responded by creating more luxurious products.  Look at the JimmyJane line, Layla, the new Sasi vibe, Gigi, the We vibe and others  Sex toys are beautiful little works of art now.   

"Have you seen the stainless steel line from NJoy?  Their vendor told me, 'Without Babeland, we wouldn't be able to make these toys,' and that was very gratifying because it says we have played a role in educating consumers and raising their expectations."

Babeland (along with their competitor Good Vibrations) is largely responsible for creating the luxury sex toy marketplace that is friendly to women of every sexual orientation and level of toy knowledge.  Claire and her partner in the business are both openly gay women.  Lesbians have led the way for the rest of us in many areas of sexual discussion and exploration, including toys, and in political activism for women's causes like reproductive freedom.  We owe our lesbian sisters a great deal.

I asked Claire why she thinks lesbians have been in the forefront of sexual empowerment for women.

"Our sexuality is what makes us different.  We are conscious of it all the time.  Coming of age as a queer person definitely made me more open about women's sexuality.  For straight women, we are like the sister you never had.  You can tell us anything."

That is exactly the feeling I have in the Babeland stores and on the website.  You can go there with any question, any concern and find acceptance.  Nobody will judge you.  They'll help you find the products that celebrate your own sexuality.

"The stigma surrounding sex toys has been greatly reduced," Claire says.  "A woman enjoys shopping for them today." 

Your Inner Vagina Could Be An Object d' Art!

Back in the wild and crazy days of rock'n'roll, some girls became a little bit famous for making penis casts--of their one-night-stand rock star lovers.  (In our time, my pal Cheryl Means, inventor of Talking Head is a partner in Clone-a-Willie, kits that can turn any penis into a piece of chocolate.)  Yet the penis has been less objectified in art than the breast or vagina.

What is even less objectified in art than the mighty dick?

Your inner pussy.

Sculpture, "The Spice of Life" by Jamie McCartney

Inspired by a doctor who makes vaginal molds as part of her research into ethnic differences, the Brit artist Jamie McCartney is offering an "internal pussy casting service."  (FYI:  I read about this on sexblo.gs, a fun and informative on-line sex newsletter that is one of my daily necessities.)   How does that work?

He prefers the model feel "relaxed and sexy."  Then he inserts "goo which sets into rubber in a few minutes."  The results, he says, are "amazing"--with one cast looking like a "weird sea creature."

"It's a real eye-opener to see how  large a vagina can expand," he says.  "I tell you, boys, it makes your cock seem ridiculous!"

The molds are transformed into a polished acrylic or glass bust  One of the pieces is on permanent display at The Kinsey Institute for Sex Research.   Jamie  studied in the U. S. and his work has been shown here.  Visit the website.  He is doing some amazing erotic art, including sculptures.

And take a moment to appreciate your inner pussy.

Why Are Sex Advisors So Often Older White Women?

Dr. Barbara Keesling is a smart and beautiful babe, a sex advisor who's been on the scene for twenty years.  She and I often have sex books out at the same time, but I don't really feel competitive with other sexperts.  I know she doesn't either.  She is unfailingly generous with quotes for magazine articles and puts real thought into her answers (vs. using every opportunity to say, 'As I said in my latest book....')  There's room for many of us in the bookstores and online.  Each brings her own kind of expertise (and opinions) to the learning space.

Here is my Q and A with Barbara:

SCB: You and I have been writing about sex for the same period of time (too long!)  Where do you see your niche in the larger group of female sexperts?  (And aren't sexperts mostly women?)

BARBARA:
One of my students said to me, (African American guy), "My girlfriend was watching a sex show and this women was talking about the G spot."  And I said, "Who was the host?"  And he said, "I don't know-some old white lady.  How come all of the sex experts on TV are old white ladies?"  And I said, "I guess because we're the only people who have time to think about sex, talk about sex, and write about sex, because we're the people who aren't getting any!" 

My niche is (as Betty Dodson once said to me) -"You're the only sex expert who ever admits she has sex!"  You know, I wouldn't take sex advice from a 25-year-old and I wouldn't take it from an 80-year-old.  I'm the perfect age to be dishing it out.

SCB: Well, I beg to differ with Betty.  I too have admitted to having sex.  But I don't think I was taken seriously by the sex advice establishment for years because I wrote for Penthouse Forum.  Among other things, I had a column chronicling my orgasms.  I took a lot of heat about that-especially from other women sex advisors.
You were a sex surrogate while working on your PhD.  Did you get grief over that?

BARBARA:
Yeah, I once didn't get a job at the Claremont colleges because of that.  (And they found out because I told them).  They didn't even give me a rejection letter.  How tacky is that?  When I applied at Cal State Fullerton in 1995, the department chair knew I was in Playboy, and asked, "How come you didn't mention that you went here in the magazine?"  The surrogate thing has not gone against me.  My Ph.D. advisor back from the 80's is still taking credit for my academic work.

SCB: My pet peeve with therapist/authors is the overuse of the word "intimacy."  It's that catch-all term signifying almost nothing in my mind.  For example, having sex with someone isn't even "intimate" if you aren't locked in a "soul mate" embrace.  Bleah.  To me, this is Puritanism in modern guise.  We always find a way in this society to pass judgment on sexuality.  I suspect a lot of people agree with me, because "intimacy" books aren't selling very well these days in the bookstores.

BARBARA:
Why do you not like the concept or word intimacy?  I just wish I could find it, but I am not hopeful that this will happen.  I think people need to be more careful about how they define it-it's not liking the same movies or something.  It's when the other person accepts everything about you unconditionally-good luck!  That takes years, in my experience.

SCB: What changes in sexual behavior have you seen in the two decades you've been researching and writing about sex?

BARBARA:
I feel so bad for my students, because they don't know what it's like to have sex without the specter of death (AIDS) over their heads.  Really, when you think about it, we grew up in such an innocent era, able to have sex with whoever we wanted, with no lasting consequences.  I wish it was like that again.  I have had my students write anonymous things about their sex lives and they sound clueless-they don't sound like they're having any fun.  When I was their age, my sex life was GREAT.

SCB: What is the best sex advice you ever got?  Ever gave?

BARBARA:
The best sex advice I ever got-from The Sensuous Woman-run hot water on your clit, I'm serious.

What's the best sex advice I've ever given-To women-embrace the inner slut, don't be afraid to seem like a slut, if you're horny, go for it.  To men, if you talk to a woman and are genuinely interested in what she says, you will have no problem getting laid.

SCB: What is your favorite (or favorites) of the books you've written?

BARBARA:
I really think my most recent book, Men in Bed, is the culmination of a lot of experience.  I also like Sexual Healing for that reason.  But How to Make Love All Night has been my biggest seller and probably will continue to be.

SCB: Can you recommend an erotic literary novel to my readers?  Several have e-mailed me asking for an erotica reading list.

BARBARA:
Literary erotic novel-whoa!  You never know what's going to hit you that way.  I read a lot, and I haven't really read a novel with a good sex scene in years.!  Very sad!  I'll tell you, I liked a book called Three Rivers by Roberta Latow (probably a fake name, maybe you wrote it!)  But this was back from the 70's.  You tell me, where can I get a good sexy book with a plot that isn't total trash?  I guess everybody's so into porn that nobody is writing sexy books.  I don't like what is generally billed as your standard erotica.  Take me back to D.H. Lawrence.  Now that you mention it, this is what has been missing from my life-I can't find anything sexy to read that is not totally moronic!  It seemed much easier to find 30 years ago, or did my tastes change?  I remember when The Thornbirds did it for me!

Palagia: Sensual Romantic, Savvy Businesswoman

"Men need to wear better skivvies.  I've seen too many boxers and white briefs.  If a man isn't adventurous, he can buy Calvin Klein black boxer briefs--simple and sexy," Palagia.

I spent an afternoon this week drinking wine with Palagia on the terrace of her apartment in the heart of Chelsea.  A mild late August day, chilled crisp wine, eclectic Bohemian surroundings--rouge-hued torsos, lush plants, a green toilet turned planter--and good conversation about one of our favorite subjects, sex.  I love women who champion female sexual empowerment.  A vibrant, intelligent and glamorous woman, Palagia does it with panache.

(Photo by John Bentham)
You have to admire the creative chutzpa of a woman whose business began as a "fund-raiser for myself.

"Ten years ago I was teaching in the New York City school system, making $28,000 a year, and on the verge of being evicted from my apartment.  I threw my first party, Falling Out Of The Garden Of Eden.  It was such a huge success--theatrically, erotically, financially for me-- that my friends asked me to host more erotic parties.  That's how One Leg Up got started."

One Leg Up--approaching its first decade--is a floating sensual country club with monthly events for members, an international private list of couples and "single ladies."  No, she doesn't host swinger parties.  Comparing a One Leg Up "Take Out" or "Eat In" event to that is like describing fine dining as street cart fare.

"I've been to swinger parties--and they're boring," she says.  "A lot of the people who attend them are vultures."  She adds, "'Swinger' is a word that exists only in America.  In Europe and the rest of the world, people have sex outside their relationships in group settings, but they don't call it 'swinging.'"

Palagia stages erotic theatrical events, like the recent "Pirates on the Hudson," an eat-in soiree on a sailboat.  Participants get the details--like when and where to meet--two days before the party.  Costumes are required.  And at some point in the evening, everyone must strip down to their undies.  It's the democratic thing to do.

"When the clothes come off, so do the job, the status, the pretensions."

"Playing" is optional, not required, at the eat-ins, limited to 80 people, but not encouraged beyond kissing at "take outs," up to 200 people.  "No" always means "No," not "Maybe." 

"Women need to feel safe to explore fantasy and expand their boundaries in a private setting," she says.  "The sense of anticipation leading up to our events and the costumes, the theatrical elements, create an atmosphere of sensual and luxurious eroticism that appeals to women.  They want to go to a party where they can walk around in their undies, feel safe and explore."

What changes has she seen in sexual behavior in One Leg Up's first decade?

"Sex is mainstream.  It has lost is underground edge.  Kink is 'vanilla' now. It takes years for some people to walk through the door into sexual adventure.  But they've done it; they're doing it.  My clientele includes a lot of very wealthy people, but their sexual behavior is mainstream.

"In the early days when I was throwing private parties, I could be wilder."

[Click on the link above and check out the beautiful photographic book chronicling some of One Leg Up's events.  The photos were all shot by John Bentham; and he is an amazing photographer.]

Our Kind of Babe

Jennifer "Dr. Jenn" Gunsaullus, Ph.D., is a sociologist and relationship/intimacy doctor who is passionate about female sexual empowerment.  She is our kind of babe.  Jenn is coming up on two years of video podcasting In The Den with Dr. Jenn and I want to salute her for the good work she's doing.  I love the way she combines sociology, sexual health, life coaching, spirituality, empowerment for women, art--and fun! 

And she's been involved as an actor and producer in productions of Eve Ensler's "The Vagina Monologues."  Wow!  Now that really impresses me.

Here is my Q/A with Dr. Jenn:

Q.  What frequent sex question that women ask--really makes you want to scream in frustration?

When I first read this question, nothing came to mind, and I thought that perhaps I need more time to become bitter and jaded about a specific topic! And then I remembered…condoms. The topic of condom use really pushes my buttons. So often I have women (and men) talk to me about sex in new relationships, or having occasional sex with people they used to date. If the woman is on the pill, or if the guy uses the withdrawal method before ejaculation, they assume there is little to worry about. They assume the other person will tell them if they have an STD/STI and that since they “know” the person, that means they know they are “clean.” This type of thinking drives me nuts since most people don’t talk openly about STDs and because they don’t necessarily have over symptoms in everyone. I know that embarrassment around talking openly about sex is a part of the issue here, as well as heavy drinking leading to hooking up.

Granted, I am definitely super-paranoid about this! My indoctrination into the sex field was through the sexual health education realm. However, I’ve met so many women and men with HPV, herpes, or HIV, and none of them thought they were at risk. Many say, “I didn’t think it could happen to me,” or “I wish I had known…”.

Q.  I read a comment from a woman on your site acknowledging that women are "still embarrassed" to talk about masturbation.  Do you think it is easier to introduce the subject (and the practice) if you put the focus on sex toys?  (I get a lot of responses to sex toy posts, but if I just write about masturbation--silence.)

Great question. I think women may be more likely to attend a sex toy party than a “learn to masturbate” party! When I was conducting my dissertation research on HIV prevention programs for women in NY, I attended an “Eroticizing Safer Sex” workshop. These women were loud and rowdy, and enjoying themselves learning about sex toys, outercourse, and creativity with sensuality…until masturbation was specifically mentioned. The room got noticeably quiet and I think the women were afraid that they may be asked to admit that they masturbate. Sex toys seem to feel safer to discuss publicly because there is still some distance from masturbation, because they can be used with a partner. Somehow talking about them seems less personal, even if used for masturbation, than talking about using your fingers on your clit or inside your vagina.

Q.  Do you think a woman can be sexually empowered if she rarely or never reaches orgasm?

Another great question! I think at the heart of female sexual empowerment is self-worth and high self-esteem. When I work with women, it’s about the women knowing and liking themselves at a deep level (meaning holistically: physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually) and being able to express this. There are so many reasons why women may not be able to experience orgasm – alone or with a partner – but the experience of a physical orgasm is just one piece of the puzzle for women’s overall sexual fulfillment.

Q.  What (aside from masturbation) are the "taboo" sex practices for women--meaning that they won't admit to doing them?

Anal play! This question was easy for me to answer! I use the term “anal play” to refer to any sort of sexual activity involving the anus, but anal sex in particular is definitely a hot topic for heterosexual women. For a year and a half I conducted women’s erotic product workshops and one of the most common (and most brave) questions was always about anal sex: Is it safe? Does it hurt? Is it dirty? Why does my boyfriend/husband want to try it/do it so much? Can it actually feel good? There was usually one woman willing to ask, several who would chime in that it does feel good, several with disgusted looks on their faces, and a few totally silent women.

At a sexuality conference workshop I learned about a research study at a clinic where the health practitioners had to ask women three times whether they had engaged in anal sex before they would respond with an honest yes. It’s still considered taboo or “dirty” by many and it definitely doesn’t fit with the “good girl” image many women learned to project when growing up.

Q.  How do women get in our way when it comes to experiencing a rich, full sex life?

As a Sociologist, my starting point is usually to ask what a woman grew up learning about sex, her body, what it means to be a woman, how to attract a partner, where her value comes from, etc. And then also where she learned these messages, whether parents, school, religion, media, etc. I like to find out what meanings and values are still with her, which ones serve and honor her, and which ones are blocking her self-love, pleasure, and connection. There is a lot of unlearning and relearning needed around what it means to be sexually healthy and fulfilled in a relationship.

One predictor of women’s sexual satisfaction is her body-image. Women with low body image are less likely to be satisfied sexually. It’s difficult to relax with a partner and release in the vulnerability of sexual pleasure if you’re trying to hide parts of your body or are in you head thinking about what parts of your body your don’t like. But in our society, the media images of beauty, youth, and perfection are so ubiquitous from such a young age, it’s difficult to keep that separate from our individual self- esteem and body-image and out of the bedroom.

On the flip side, there’s been the growth of “female sexual empowerment” in the form of Girls Gone Wild, breast enlargements, or online porn. In personal interactions, there’s been more “performing porn star” where sexual activities are about what look and feel great to a partner (and make the woman feel worthy), but aren’t about the woman’s embodied pleasure. There becomes a disconnect between women appearing sexy and attractive to others from actually knowing what they enjoy, expressing this, and liking themselves in the process.

I just reread the question and was struck with the thought – how many of us even know what a “rich, full sex life” would look or feel like? I love posing questions like “Describe in detail your ideal sexual life.” It doesn’t occur to most of us that we could enjoy a sexual life that we’ve designed. Our fast-paced, multi-tasking, technology-driven society keeps people overworked, sleep-deprived, and in our heads – none of this is good for a rich, full sex life!

Q.  How important is penis size to women?

Ha! After all the other questions, this one made me laugh J I don’t have a clear-cut answer, because it depends. It depends on what a woman is used to size-wise, if she gets visually aroused by size, if her sexual pleasure is largely based on feeling “full,” the man’s ability to move well, the man’s overall sexual prowess, the connection between them…and I could go on. There are certainly extremes in sizes in either direction that might not be appealing to most women, but overall it depends on the individual woman.

Q.  What is women's biggest sex complaint about men?  Men's about women?

I hear women complain that men (that they’ve been with for awhile) want to jump right into sex and that if they have been arguing, or are resentful of something, or exhausted, or angry, they can’t believe that their guy thinks they would actually want to have sex. It’s not a specific physical sexual complaint, but a more holistic one. The woman doesn’t feel appreciated, taken care of, listened to, connected with…and many times need to that want to have sex. From the opposite perspective, their men want to have sex, so that they are able to feel that emotional closeness. The woman who speak to me wish that their partners would be more caring, listening, and sensual, to ease them out of their minds, and into their bodies.

Again, with men it’s not a specific physical sexual complaint, but related to women’s confidence and appreciation of their bodies. Men don’t like it when their girlfriends or wives are critical of their own bodies and it isn’t a turn-on for them. These responses are clearly reflective of my holistic specialty around female sexuality, because women and couples who seek me out to work with me are already open to looking at a bigger picture around their intimacy and relationship happiness.

Q.  And what is coming up for you?  Events?  Book?

This week I celebrated the release of the 100^th episode of my video podcast show about female sexuality, In the Den with Dr. Jenn! I’ve been writing and hosting this professionally-produced video podcast show for two years and we’re really proud of this achievement! We’re going into Season Three and I’m excited to continue to bring amazing guests into the Den, have the opportunity for more interviews with my various alter-egos (we use split screen technology so I can interview Spicy Suzy, Jane the Sex Researcher, and Donna Brightbush the Love Child), dress in props to discuss sexual fun facts, and share recommendations of books and activities. The show is free to view online through my iTunes or my Web site: www.drjennsden.com.

I just started offering Den Merchandise – women’s and men’s t-shirts, mugs, bags, and clocks related to sexual themes. There’s a whole line of cute women’s t-shirts where women can express the personality of their sexuality or their “box.” I think they’re a riot! The store is here: www.cafepress.com/drjennsden.

And I’m writing my first book! It’s based on interviews with women about their experiences and meanings around sex and sexuality. The questions tap into physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual aspects of sexuality, to really explore female sexuality in a way that asks the tough questions and honors women’s experiences. The interview process was so powerful and amazing – I was so impressed with each woman’s willingness to share the depth of her sexual being. The book is going to be so helpful for women’s sexual expression and empowerment and open communication between couples.