My friend David Thomas (Lotus Workshops) wrote: “A friend confided she was having trouble reaching orgasm with her husband, causing some anxiety for both of them. I gave her your book The Orgasm Loop. A few weeks later, I asked if she had an orgasm with her husband recently. With a big smile on her face, she said, ‘Yes, I have.’ A big thanks to you for your help and all you do!”
That was definitely the best email of the week. Now to the questions—
Q. “My husband and I met a couple into BDSM at a swing party. We’re not really swingers, just trying it out, found the players smug—thinking themselves so “superior” to “vanilla couples” and disappointing in the sex department. Long story short: with my husband’s permission, I was playing with the dominant husband. Now he says I can’t anymore—but he won’t try the things I’ve learned to crave like spanking, nipple torture, light bondage. What can I do to make him play? I’ve begged him to dominate me,” Callie, 40 and really hot outside Cleveland.
A. Callie, many couples practicing alternative lifestyles are as judgmental about what other people do in bed as the devout prudes who think they have all the answers. The particular strain of sexual Puritanism running through American society encourages the belief: My way is right, yours is wrong. Luckily, you know that nobody has all the answers.
Probably your husband feels threatened—jealous?—of your lover. Maybe he is afraid that he won’t be able to dominate you successfully. Break “dominate me” down into manageable little sex games. Rather than trying to “make him”—entice him to play.
You want to be spanked? Tease him with lingerie that exposes your spank-able cheeks. Tie a bow around a paddle and leave it on his pillow. Lie across his lap and wiggle until he is erect—and say, “Make me give you the best blow job of your life.” (See The Basic Black Dress of Blow Jobs.)
Nipple torture? Ease him into it by twisting and pulling your nipples in the heat of passion. Take his hands and show him how to do it to you. Beg him to bite your nipples when you are both highly aroused. But a pair of nipple clamps (and maybe some Velcro cuffs?) from Babeland and let him find them under his pillow. (See “A Little Pain, Please” for a mini guide to nipple play.)
Stay in touch. Let me know how these ideas work.
Q. “My girlfriend thinks she knows all about sex. I’ve emailed her links to your sex technique posts and she says reading about technique bores her and that she goes with her passion and has always driven men wild in bed. Uh-huh. She has exactly one trick for prolonging intercourse: She squeezes the head of my penis so hard it hurts. Is that how this little trick is supposed to work?” G, an American living in London.
A. No, it isn’t. Perhaps she confused men’s screams of pain with cries of passion—and said, ‘Oh, I am driving them wild in bed.” Women (or men) who think they know everything inevitably need more help than the sophisticated consumers of sex advice. Everyone who avidly pursues a sport or an art keeps learning and is continually evolving.
The Sqeeze Technique was created by the legendary sex therapy team Masters and Johnson in 1970. How it’s done: She places the finger pads of her index and middle fingers on the front of his penis, below the corona (the ridge separating head from shaft) and the finger pad of her thumb on the back of his penis, again just below the corona, and presses quickly and firmly, not hard. The move forces some of the blood out of his penis, reducing arousal level. She can use it up three times during a lovemaking session. The Squeeze is very effective for many men, not all.
Buy a copy of The Sex Bible and learn how you can take control of delaying and extending your own orgasm. By paying attention during masturbation, you can learn to recognize your point of ejaculatory inevitability—the place where you really can’t stop. Play with that line through stop-start games. Developing your penis power by practicing Kegels also helps.
Maybe your GF will enjoy the photography (by Alan Penn) in The Sex Bible. The new banner at top of blog is one of my favorite photos from that collection.
Q. “I am so bored with our sex life, but my husband of 15 years says he is fine with it. We are at a sexual stand-off. He wants to have sex the same old way two or three times a week. I want to get creative, even a little kinky. Our compromise is unsatisfactory for both of us. We have sex once a week, almost always in the rear entry position, one of his two favorites, so I don’t have to look at him and can fantasize someone else. It’s like I get myself off while giving him a weekly freebie. I know why people stop having sex,” Debbie, doing nothing much in Dallas.
A. You are on one of the paths leading to sexless marriage.
Studies for the past few years keep finding that women get bored with the sex in marriage before men do. A recent survey conducted by KY’s Good in Bed website found that the women respondents (all in relationships) were more often the erotic adventurers than their men. Tell your man it’s time he followed your lead.
If you can’t challenge or cajole him into changing the sexual pattern, try books (mine, of course) and the many tricks found in Sex Tip of the Day, category on the right. Have you tried taking control by trying out the Sex Wardrobe Basics like The Boyfriend Shirt Quickie? Borrow one of his white shirts, for example, and give him the quickie he apparently hasn’t dared dream.
Should all these suggestions fail, drag him to a sex coach before the sex dies. My dear friend and colleague Dr. Patti Britton invented sex coaching and wrote the bible for other practitioners, The Art of Sex Coaching. If you can afford a trip to L.A., try to get an appointment with her. Or email me; and I will help you find someone in Dallas.
Stay in touch.
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