SexyPrime, a blog by Susan Crain Bakos

ASK AUNTIE SUE: Reader Questions on Back to Faking, Sex Parties--and "Can A Fat Man Get Laid?"

Photo Credit:  "Sexy Legs" by Stacey

WHY DO WOMEN HAVE SO MUCH TROUBLE WITH ORGASM?!

Intellectually, I know the answer to that one, but deep inside my vulva I have some issues with it.  Reaching orgasm doesn’t have to be hard.  Women make it hard by their reluctance to masturbate or touch themselves during intercourse or use vibrators.  (I believe that vibrators are the only proof we need that there is a goddess.)  Women are not only entitled to orgasm—we are not sexually empowered if we can’t/don’t have them.

And faking is not the answer.  Life is too f’ing precarious and short to waste orgasm opportunities.  The week’s questions begin with a missive from a “back to faking” woman that made me want to scream.

Q.  “I had my first orgasm through cunnilingus when I was thirty—with a man who was determined to give me an O after I confessed to him I’d been faking them all my sex life.  It didn’t happen again with him.  Sex became such a struggle because he was trying so hard to please me.  We broke up.  I am not comfortable masturbating; and I don’t think I am the vibe type.   I am back to faking orgasms with a new man.  I’m really into him and don’t want him to know I don’t come.  I know you say ‘intimacy’ isn’t enough, but can’t it be for some women?”  Ella, 33.

A.  You can’t be “really into” a man if you’ve never had an orgasm with him—and, worse, you’re faking them.  Is that your idea of “intimacy”?  How would you feel if he were faking every orgasm?  Or lying to you on some other very primal level?  You’re “really into” your own romantic fantasy in which he plays a supporting role.  Men deserve better than that from women.

Is sex without orgasm enough for some women?  Sadly, it probably is.  I hope they are at least being honest with their lovers.  I had a flash of insight when I read your letter:  The middle-age women who have the Prude ‘Tude about sex were likely you ten years ago.  They couldn’t come, wouldn’t masturbate and faked.  Ella, dear, you didn’t write to me for the brief lecture.  You WANT to have orgasms.  Learn my no-fail O technique, The Orgasm Loop.  Write me again after you’ve mastered it.

Q.  “My husband wants to attend a group sex party with some people he ‘met’ on Face Book.  I am ambivalent.  It’s in northern New Jersey.  What do you think will happen there?”  Kate, 42.

A.   Northern Jersey is a suburban Hot Bed!

Sex parties are generally hosted by groups of players who have developed clear rules of conduct that guests are expected to observe.  Tell your husband to request the guidelines.  Some parties are “cuddle” only.  Others encourage sex acts short of intercourse.  At some sex parties, you can do almost anything as long as you are practicing safer sex.  Condoms and lube packets are usually available on premises.  No one should ever feel pressured into participating or “performing.”

There’s sex and there’s Sex.  You need a program before getting into the car.   My FB “friends” occasionally ask for a lingerie shot or a date—but, no party invites.  Send me a full report.

Q.  “I read somewhere that fat girls are easier.  It’s always last call somewhere, right?  What about fat guys?  I wouldn’t have lost my virginity in high school if my parents hadn’t sent me to fat camp—where I didn’t lose much weight but did get laid.  In college, I became known for my oral virtuosity.  The last several years have been sexually lean, pun intended.  What does a fat man have to do to get laid?”  Ned, 31.

A.  Money always works.  If you have enough of it, or at least can spend generously, you can get laid.  But won’t you feel like the fat girl who, according to a recent study, takes more sexual risks than her thinner sisters?

I am accepting your description that you are “fat”, not merely a little overweight.  First and foremost, you’re not healthy.  In a few years, if not already, you will be on meds for high blood pressure and possibly diabetes and asking me about Viagra.  I understand that you hunger for erotic touch and crave a lover.  But, please address the health issue.  There may already be women in your life, friends and co-workers, who will begin to look at you in a different way once you start down the road to health and fitness. 

One of my own life mottos:  I’m not lifting his stomach to find his cock.

Write to me in six months and thank me for telling you that.

ASK AUNTIE SUE: Reader Questions on Multiple Orgasms, Designer Vaginas—and “Should I cheat on my Jewish wife with a black woman?”

Photo Credit: "Sexy Legs" by Stacey

Interesting mail this week!  I continue to hear from readers who have discovered an essay I wrote five years ago for The New York Press on why I love black men.  Do you still love black men?  They ask.  Yes—actually I love them more than I did when I wrote that.  Do black men have bigger penises?  Statistically, only by a fraction of an inch.  It's not about size. 


Q.  “Are multiple orgasms a myth?  My girlfriend says she has had them with other men.  I’m not sure I believe her.  What do you think?  And why isn’t she having them with me?”  George, 33.

A.  It’s possible that she is lying or that she faked multiple times with them during lovemaking and only fakes once with you—but it’s also likely that she does  (or did) experience multiple orgasms.  I do.  About a third of women experience them.  It’s not a myth.   I could teach any woman how to have multiples—and, really, she is the one responsible for having them.  Learn more in The Orgasm Loop.

Why not with you?  That’s a mystery because apparently you haven’t asked her what was happening in other beds that isn’t happening in yours.  May I hazard a guess?  You aren’t bringing her to orgasm via cunnilingus or manual/vibrator stimulation before intercourse and/or continuing the additional stimulation during intercourse.  Ask her what she needs to come more than once with you.  If she won’t tell you—I’ll go with the lying/faking answer to your question.


Q.  “My husband doesn’t believe me when I tell him that the girls in porn movies have had their labia lips trimmed to look ‘right’ for the part.  He thinks my inner lips look weird because they hang below the outer lips.  I say that is natural.  Will you tell him I’m right?”  Meredith, 29.

A.   I wish Betty Dodson’s Genital Art Gallery was still up on the Dodson and Ross website.  For ten years Betty collected photos of women’s genitals, sent in anonymously by women as part of a body acceptance and healing the shame process.  A federal law requiring signature releases (just like porn) has shut down her online gallery, but Carlin, a lawyer, is fighting it.

Yes, long inner labia are “natural” but so are short lips that do tuck inside the outer lips, without trimming.  Vulvas come in an astonishing array of shapes and sizes, all natural and each a beauty in itself.  And, yes, some porn actresses have had their lips trimmed (labioplasty).  So have other women, perhaps in an attempt to look more like the girls on screen or in the pages of our own glossy magazines—or to please a man who has shamed them.  Read the case against designer vaginas in The Sex Bible for Women.

What looks “weird” on your dear husband’s body?  Be sure to point it out in case he hasn’t noticed.   One of you needs therapy and it’s not the one with the longer lips.


Q.  “I read your article about black men with great interest.  I know what you mean when you describe black skin as lush and thick and velvety.  Once, I had a black lover and she was the best of my life; and I loved her skin.  I did the expected thing and married a Jewish woman, my own faith, but I can’t stop fantasizing about black women.  Do you think it is okay to cheat on my wife with a black woman?”

A.  Oy, vey!

You want me to grant dispensation from your marriage vows?  Sorry.  That’s not my role.  I sympathize.  Monogamy is not easy.  Sometimes it drives people to obsessive fantasizing about old lovers.  For many, the fantasy is enough.  Others must possess that which they desire.

Did you have a particular black woman in mind—or just any black woman who reminds you of the woman in your past?  One thing about your question makes me feel uneasy.  I get the impression that you may consider cheating with a black woman somehow less a “sin” than cheating with, say, another Jewish woman.  I don’t think I like that.  Tell me I’ve got it wrong.

ASK AUNTIE SUE: Reader Questions on A Cock and Two Girls, Conception Sex--and "What is the best intercourse position for a foot fetishist?"

Photo Credit:  "Sexy Legs" by Stacey

 

As I write on Sunday night, I am looking at “one of those weeks” in the rear-view mirror:  The really bad and the really good and several points in between.  They call this “life”—yes? Something I know about the best of times and the worst of times:  Having a man’s arms around me, however briefly, makes me feel that whatever must  be done is more possible.  That’s the power of masculine energy. 

To the emails! 

 

Q.  “I answered a craigslist ad from ‘two nice girls looking for a guy.’  They were looking for a cock, but okay, I was up for the sex object experience.  We had such a good time, they invited me back—again and again.  I would really like to see one of them without the other.  Thoughts on how I could pull this off?  I may be in love with her.”  Jamie, 28.

A.  Jamie, dear, women generally leave clues in situations like this.  Does The One pay more attention to you than her girlfriend does?  Has she developed a closer relationship with your cock?  Do her fingers linger lovingly over your hairy bits?  Do her eyes meet yours (not hers) when she comes?  Do you have her cell number?

Signs not clear?  Involve the girls in chat about their relationship—and then ask about the lovers in their past.  Sometimes young women end up together in part out of frustration with men.  Possibly they’ve had time to get over their anger.  Ask if they have fantasized a one-on-one with you.  Maybe they’re both up for private time with you and your cock.

As for that other “maybe”:  If you think that you are “maybe in love”—you’re in serious like, not love.  Don’t create a drama based on “like” and play it out on these nice girls.  Yes, men do drama too.

 

Q.  “Is it possible for the reproductively-challenged couple to have good sex while trying to conceive?  It sounds like an oxymoron.   My wife hates me; and I don’t blame her.  I am the guy injecting hormones in her ass with a big needle.  She resentfully endures the sex.  I am basically masturbating in her.  Our poor kid won’t be conceived in passion.  Anything I can do to turn her on?”  Will, 39.

A.   You are in one of marriage’s most difficult sexual cul de sacs.  (Marriage is fraught with them.  Anyone who thinks it’s a straight path with rest stops is in for the kind of rude awakening that makes one crave deep sleep.) There is an entire section in The Sex Bible for Women devoted to The Commitment Years.  I suggest you read it.

Meanwhile, quick suggestions: 

You both must bow to the biological imperative of procreation sex.  You need to ejaculate; she need not come.  The sex doesn’t have to be hot. 

Make it a tender, loving experience for her.  Stroke and caress her, hold her and gaze into her eyes, projecting all the love and confusion and pain you’re feeling into them.   Follow her lead if she indicates she’d like some more genitally focused pleasure—and give her exactly what she wants.  Otherwise leave her clit alone.  Try to scream “I love you!” (rather than “Oh, shit, here I come!”) at the ultimate potentially baby-making moment.  Afterward, cuddle her and feed her chocolate.  That is sacred sex.

 

Q.   “I love women’s feet and painted toenails peeking out from strappy sandals make me crazy.  I’ve learned not to tell women how much I love feet—and not to ask if I can suck her toes until have sucked everything else she’s got.  What is the best intercourse position for a foot fetishist—giving her maximum pleasure and me a good view of her feet?”  Conrad, 41.

A.  I’m not sure that you are, by the strict definition of the term, a “foot fetishist.”  A man with a true fetish can only be aroused by that part and, in fact, wants to ejaculate there.   Let’s call you “feet and shoe obsessive” because it sounds like you have at least some minimal interest in the rest of her.  Yes, you are right not to divulge your proclivities.  Too Much Information.

You need The Sex Bible for Women too!  The photos should inspire.  Here’s my position of the day for you:

She lies on her back with her butt elevated on a pillow(s) her legs drawn up to her knees.  You sit in front of her, with your legs to the sides of her body.  She places her feet on your chest.  (If she leaves her shoes on, the stilettos could hurt in this position.)  The angle of elevation will help you stimulate her G spot—and you have both hands free to caress her breasts and stimulate her clit as you sneak glances at those pretty feet beneath your nose.

(Personal to China Doll:  There are no right words.  In honoring the depth of your grief, I will not pretend that there are.  Please hang on.)

ASK AUNTIE SUE: Reader Questions on Pleasure Guilt, Harem of Men--and "How Do I Get Hot Mom In Bed?"

 
Photo Credit:  "Sexy Legs" by Stacey

Back in the day  when I was “Dear Superlady of Sex” for the Penthouse magazines, I received the occasional bestiality letter—and almost always from Canada or from some Western state bordering on it.  (Draw your own conclusions.)  Imagine my surprise (or not) when I got an email on SexyPrime from a woman signed, Gina, 29, Ontario, Canada, asking what she can do about her big dog who likes to lick her pussy after her boyfriend leaves.  Gina, honey—Shower and put on clean panties.

Every week more and more and MORE people are reading the blog; and I am delighted to have new readers.  In fact, two of this week’s questions come from readers brand new to the blog.

 

Q.  “I took your advice and ordered a vibrator from Babeland, one of your favorites, the purple JimmyJane Form 6.  Oh, wow, oh, wow!  It’s not just different from sex; it’s a different kind of better.  Now I am worried if it is spoiling me for sex with men.  I’m not as interested in my boyfriend.  Am I addicted to my vibe?  Do I have to give it up?”  Kayla, 33.

A.  Oh, Kayla, we don’t give up our vibes for any man!  Yes, the vibe is a different experience; and most women find their vibe orgasms stronger.  BUT…. that does not an “addiction” make.  Studies consistently show that both men and women (with and without sex toys) report stronger orgasms via masturbation than partner sex.  The bottom line logic behind this:  No distractions, no inhibitions, and no concern about pleasing another.

But aren’t the distractions of sex with another person delightful in their own right?  Would you give up the joys of a man’s body for your vibe?  No. Enjoy it both ways.  You are suffering pleasure guilt, something only women seem to have.  Also things may be a little boring in bed with your guy.  Ask him to use the vibe on you to see how that feels.  Now try it on him.  Sharing your toys can be fun too. 

And nothing beats the sensations of being penetrated by a fine cock while using a small vibe on your clit.

 
Q.  “I can tell by reading your blog that you like men—but you don’t seem to get all hung up over them.  What is the secret to that?  As soon as I have sex with a guy, I start obsessing over him.  I try too hard to please him.  I can’t stop myself from asking, ‘Will I see you soon?’ and ‘There isn’t anyone else, is there?’  How can I stop that?  I’ve tried waiting to have sex.  That doesn’t work.”   Sandrene, 28

A.  I love men!  No, I don’t “get all hung up” on them.  I did get dick-matized by a particularly fine cock not so long ago—but that’s another story.

Many women do begin to obsess on the man, the “relationship”, as soon as they are having sex with him.  I’m glad you said that “waiting” isn’t the answer.  I hate to hear women admonish one another not to have sex until the third date or third month or third full moon or whatever.  Supposedly, he will want to marry you if you wait.  Oh, hah.  You can’t control the relationship by the timely withholding and dispensing of sex.

Understand the science behind the sex.  (Read about it in The Sex Bible for Women.)  Orgasm produces higher quantities of sex hormones, including oxytocin, the “cuddle” hormone, in women than men.  If you understand that what’s happening to you is a chemical reaction, not “love”—you can deal with it better.  Don’t let your brain drunk on lust drugs run your life!

Women become monogamous too fast.  They stop dating other men as soon as they have those feelings for one.  Julia, a beautiful babe I met at Maxie’s Grill (19^th Street between Irving and Park) shared her secret:  3 men. 

“If you have one, you get obsessed,” she says.  “Two provides balance, but you are always comparing and contrasting them.  Three is the perfect number.  I don’t have to be sleeping with all of them at the same time, but they must be in pursuit of me.  With three, I don’t obsess or compare.  I say, ‘What the fuck if I lose one!  So what?’”

A woman has so many choices with three men in pursuit.  Let’s call it Julia’s Rule of Three.  This is the only rule about three that you need.

 
Q.  “I’ve fantasized sex with a friend’s mother since I was in high school almost twenty years ago.  She’s still hot.  Recently, I told her how I feel.  We had a date but she had to cancel at the last minute.  I keep trying to get her to come while we’re talking on the phone.  She’s too busy.  Things are complicated by my marriage.  Should I invite her along on a business trip?  I know she is attracted to me and she’s admitted that she thought about doing it with me too.”  Mark, 37.

A.  A little girl I know uses this expression when she’s made a mess:  Oy, oy, oy.  Your letter made me say Oy, oy, oy.

Hot Mom probably does find you attractive and has thought about having sex with you—especially if you’re well hung and she noticed that in your shorts when you were 16.  After that little fantasy moment, she thinks about the consequences of being found out.  Or maybe she just knows that some things are best left fantasies.  Nothing, including the sounds she makes in orgasm, could possibly live up to your fevered imagination of it.

May you enjoy masturbating to that youthful fantasy for another twenty years.

ASK AUNTIE SUE: A Poly Problem, Faking Men--and "Where's The Thrill?"

Photo Credit:  "Sexy Legs" by Stacey

So many of you have emailed me with comments and questions about Dom Rose’s conversation.  (Dom, they like you, they really, really like you.)  If you missed that post, pick up the link in question 2 and read it now!

 

Q.  “I am part of a polyamory arrangement, two women, one man.  The other woman has lost her sex drive following a hysterectomy.  How can we help her regain her interest in sex—without putting too much pressure on her?”  Cynthia, forty-something.

 

A.  Look at last week’s Ask Auntie Sue, specifically the suggestions for a reader experiencing perimenopause.   Your poly situation presents both more additional challenges and opportunities for your female partner than most women have.  Poly people work out the details.  You are accustomed to negotiating the relationship—so, ask her what you and the man can do to help her through this low desire phase.  The challenge is not to let her become the asexual partner by handing off "the sex" to the two of you.

 

Maybe she would like to play voyeur for the moment.  Watching with no pressure to join may revive her libido.  Or maybe she would like more non-genital kissing, stroking, massaging.  Agree not to touch her genitals unless she asks you do to so.  She might enjoy reading erotica to you or helping you create fantasy scenarios to act out.  Ask her to play director.

 

The poly people I know impress me with their erotic creativity and ability to work through issues.  I have faith that you will help your lover come back to her sexual self again.  Please keep me posted.

 

 

Q.  “I’m still reeling over something Dom Rose said in the ‘Wicked Tongue Game’ post.  Men fake orgasms!  They do it to end the sex because they’re bored!  I cannot believe this.  Is he gay?  How could a woman be fooled by a male ‘fake’?”  Carly, 28.

 

A.  He is not gay; he’s honest.  Twenty years ago I didn’t know that men could fake orgasms.  I became “Dear Superlady of Sex” for the Penthouse magazines and learned many, many new things about the male gender from my readers—including, yes, they can and sometimes do fake orgasm, for the same reasons women do.  They don’t want to hurt our feelings any more than we want to hurt theirs.  Everybody has an off night; and in relationships, that may not be the same night so somebody goes along.

 

How could a man fool a woman?  If he’s wearing a condom, very easily.  He gets out of bed holding the condom close to his flagging dick and heads to the bathroom, exactly as he would do if he’d come.  No condom?  He counts on her juices plus lubricants to provide cover for him.

 

Dom makes a good point:  Men--well, most of them-- are not able to find pleasure and release in any willing vagina.  They need to feel desired.  And you need game too.

 

 

Q.  “My wife and I have sex once or twice a week.  I come; she comes.  We’re both fairly adept at oral and positions.   In fact, the stuff she can do with her mouth used to drive me wild.  Now the thrill is gone.  Is there any way to make the same old techniques—good ones!—scintillating again?”  Jay, 36.

 

A.  Once again, I refer you to the discussion on Nan Wise’s The Desire Curve and various studies on desire (plus technique tips) in The Sex Bible for Women.  The intense desire that we feel in new relationships is, as the old song says, “too hot not to cool down.”  Thank goodness you both have good sex skills.  Many couples come down from the hormone cocktail high (generally between 18 months and 3 years) lacking the ability to do much else besides rub their bodies together—and that no longer produces sparks.

 

A few trick to make old sex feel new again:

• Switch your usual lovemaking steps and change the basic sex set-up. If you always caress her breasts while kissing her, move your hands down and stroke her inner thighs or press against her labia with the flat of your hand. Switch the time and location of sex if possible. (I know that is hard to do with jobs and children.)
• Add a twist to your signature sex move. Her blow job is her trump card? Send her to The Basic Black Dress of Blow Jobs for a new stroke or two.
• Don’t have intercourse in your favorite position. Mix it up.
• Don’t follow through to orgasm every time. “Sex” can be foreplay—that gets you hot and bothered the next day, thinking about finishing it .
• Do something kinky that you haven’t done before. You’ll find many ideas in SBW and The Sex Bible.

ASK AUNTIE SUE: Reader Questions on Desire Loss, Masturbating For Him--and "Why Can't He Understand 'NO!'?"

Photo Credit:  "Sexy Legs" by Stacey

The most common reader questions concern 1. Sexual desire (her questions) 2. Penis size and erection quality (his) and 3. How do I get my partner to--fill in the blank? (hers and his.)  This week's best of the email letters contains a variation on #1 and a both a variation and a complete twist on #3.  Guys, no penis questions this week!  Are you still traumatized by "Do You Really Want The Truth:  Women Answer 7 Questions on His Prime Member"?

Q.  "I am only 33, but I am, according to my gynecologist, in perimenopause.  I had one ovary removed because of a cyst; and I guess that means I'm in half-production status on female hormones.  I don't want sex as much as I did; and my boyfriend of five years is losing patience with me.  It's not just that I don't want him.  I don't want anyone.  What can I do about low desire?"  Natasha.

A.  Perimenopause is another word for pre-menopausal.  Starting as early as the mid-thirties, some women are in that state of declining hormone production for years before their periods end.  Low desire is the #1 woman's sex complaint; and sometimes the problem is physical.  Ask your gynecologist about remedies including the testosterone patch==yes, testosterone is the hormone of female desire as well as male--and hormone replacement therapy or HRT.  

You also can jump start your libido in various ways.  The Sex Bible for Women has suggestions and technique tips targeted to women in the various sex life stages, including perimenopause.  Three quickies:

First, buy a vibrator and use it daily, whether you are in the mood for sex or not, whether you reach orgasm or you don't.  The more sex you have, the more sex you will want.  

Second, share your toys with your man.  Make the sex more playful.  Take the emphasis off your orgasm and enjoy giving and receiving pleasurable sensations.

Third, just do it.  Can't you "give" your husband a sexual experience even if you aren't feeling much desire?  This is a good time to perfect your erotic skills.  Women tell me that The Basic Black Dress of Blow Jobs gives them the erotic power--and power not only makes you desirable, it creates desire within you.

Q.  "My husband wants to watch me masturbate.  He's not the first man in my life to ask that.  Why do they want this?  I don't think I do anything exciting when I masturbate.  I lie on my back and use a vibrator or my fingers on and around my clit.  I'm embarrassed to do that for an audience, even my husband, because it would be boring to watch.  Can you tell me how to masturbate in a sexier way?"   Lisa, 38.

A.  Why?  Men are highly aroused by watching their woman masturbate.  The sharing of your personal relationship with your pussy is his idea of real intimacy.  That works to your advantage too.  While giving him visual foreplay, you can bring yourself to the edge of orgasm, so close that you will come during intercourse, maybe without additional stroking.  And you have an opportunity to teach him something about your clit.  

How to do it in a sexier way?  Read this post on "Theatrical Masturbation."

Q.  "I am so tired of my boyfriend begging, pleading and occasionally demanding anal sex that I am ready to break things off with him because of this issue.  I did try it with him.  He has a big cock.  It hurt, it hurt bad.  I'm not going back there again.  Why can't he understand the word NO?  Is it the physical experience he craves--or my submission?"  Maureen, 41.

A.  Oh, he understands; he does not accept.  Men with big cocks usually accept that they aren't going to get a lot of anal sex.  If you've tried it and you hate it, end of story.  Without knowing him, I can't make judgments on what he craves most, entering the narrow cave or breaking you down to get there.

Men and women in a committed relationship often have a sense of ownership over the lover's body.  Your body is always yours; and you share it in ways of your choosing.  Tell him that your anus is not as big an asshole as he is.  I hope that you move on from this "issue"--with or without him.

ASK AUNTIE SUE: Reader Questions on The Limp Dick, A Map of the Penis--and "How Can I Have It All In Intercourse?"

Photo Credit:  "Sexy Legs" by Stacey

So it's not just me.  A lot of my readers have cocks on their minds.  (Can we blame it on Lady GaGa and the journalists who keep asking her if she has a penis?)I haven't thought this much about cocks since I was dick-matized by The One Perfect Dick.  But enough about my cock dreams and on to your questions.  Several readers have asked a variation of the first question below, some men worried about the quality of their erections, some women just as worried.

Q.  "I am taking medication for both high blood pressure and high cholesterol.  Since I started on the meds, I don't get as hard.  Sometimes I go limp.  My wife thinks I have lost desire for her.  That's not true.  I want her; I just can't will my cock to stay hard.  What can we do?  Are there special techniques for making the cock hard?  Her oral skills are modest," Todd, 39.

A.  Yes, prescription drugs are the likely culprit.  Even over the counter allergy and sinus pills can affect the quality of your erections.  (Psuedoephedrine is used to treat those four and more hour erections, a side effect of Viagra.)  Consult with your doctor about the erection problem.  Maybe you med protocol can be changed.  Have you been given dietary and exercise instructions which you are ignoring?  Getting fit can reduce or eliminate the need for medication in many people.

A good blow job may help--or not.  The Basic Black Dress of Blow Jobs is easy to learn (and fun to practice.)  Adapt it a bit and you have The Perfect Stand-Up Kiss:  

• If he has gone suddenly limp and he wants an oral treatment, hold his penis in both hands with your fingers laced together.  Concentrate oral strokes on the head and top third of the shaft.  Work your hands on his shaft in a circular twisting upward motion.
• Does he have a semi-hard erection?  Hold the base firmly in one hand and, as you fellate him, use the fingers of your other hand to stroke his perineum in a light, tickling come-hither fashion.  Add some anal finger play (if that turns him on.)

You can find fuller directions in The Sex Bible--which also includes more sex fix tips and good advice for men on pleasing women, manually and orally.  Most of the time, the best thing to do with a limp dick is:  Ignore it.  Let him pleasure her.  (Are your oral skills modest too?  It's time for a little couple's Bible study.)

Q.  "Can you tell me where are these places on the penis--the raphe, perineum. corona, fellate?  I need to understand it before I can suck it well,"  Ella, 22.

A.  Sweet Babe, I send you to The Sex Bible for Women, where you can learn all about your body and his.  Knowledge is erotic power.  The corona is the ridge between the head and the shaft.  Swirl your tongue around it.  Delicious.  The raphe is the line or "seam" of skin on the underside of the penis.  Very sensitive to flicking of the tip of your tongue.  The perineum is not on the map of the penis.  It's the sensitive area between the base of his balls and his anus.  "Fellate" is the verb form of fellatio, or Blow Job.

You will definitely need a working knowledge of his anatomy--just to understand my sex tips.

Q.  "I only come in masturbation and with cunnilingus.  But I love intercourse!  The sensation of being penetrated satisfies my basic nature as a female.  Why can't I have it all--coming during intercourse?  Or can I have it all and I just don't know how?"  Jessica, 32.

A.  Yes, you can!  Penetration is deeply satisfying for most women.  (We have this vessel and we want to put something inside it.)  Coming during intercourse is as simple as placing your hand between his body and yours and stroking your clitoris as he thrusts.  Straddle your clit with two fingers, a downward facing V.  Or you can use a small vibe, like a finger vibe--or use a couples vibe like the We.  Go to Babeland and check out the vibes.    

And you can learn The Orgasm Loop, a no-fail technique that I created for orgasm, any time you want one, without using your hands.  The Loop will give you stronger orgasms--and make multiples more likely too.  Try it.

ASK AUNTIE SUE: Reader Questions on Romantic Fantasies, Prolonging Intercourse--and, "Why would a woman want a vibe when she has a good black man?"

Photo Credit:  "Sexy Legs" by Stacey

The email is really interesting this week.      The responses from 7 Questions on His Sexual Happiness and  7 Questions on Her Sexual Happiness are coming in.  Once again, my readers are busting a few sex myths.  There's still time to tell me what you think.  Now, the Auntie Sue questions.

Q.  "I had a sexual awakening in the shower last month, six weeks post-delivery of my first baby.  The water cascading over my full breasts turned me on.  I reached a hand down to play with myself--and I realized with a shock that the images in my mind were of another man, not my husband.  I have been fantasizing about my brother-in-law ever since.  I'm not in love with my husband anymore!  How do I get these fantasies out of my head?  Is there a sex trick for that?  My maternity leave is up in another month.  I have to clear my mind,"  Angie, 31.

A.  Romantic fantasies have been the downfall of many women--because women take their erotic daydreams seriously.  A fantasy is not a wish.  Fantasizing another man is not a sign that you don't love your husband anymore.  You didn't have a sexual awakening in the shower; you had a post childbirth hormonal/emotional/physical grand convergence.  

I sometimes suggest that people buy one of my books.  I insist you order The Sex Bible for Women today.  Read the section on desire and arousal, particularly Nan Wise's The Desire Curve.  Read about sexual fantasies--and what they do and mostly don't mean.  Read about the effects of childbirth on your body and emotions in the section on women's changing bodies/sexuality.  Then, enjoy the fantasies for what they are--your private erotica reel.  Masturbate to it.  Don't feel guilty about playing the hot clips in your head to heighten arousal when making love to your husband.

Above all, don't "share" the fantasy with him (or goddess forbid, his brother or your sister's husband). In another month or two, you'll be laughing about this particular fantasy interlude--laughing alone at a very private joke.

Q.  "I come way too soon, shortly after I enter a woman.  I've read Ian Kerner [She Comes First] and I'm really good at cunnilingus and know to give her an orgasm that way before I enter her.  But I want to last longer both for myself and my partners.  I know women are disappointed when I come so fast.  What can I do?"  Perry, 29.

A.  I do have Sex Tricks for you!  (You'll find lengthier explanations and a lot more help in prolonging intercourse in The New Tantra:  Simple and Sexy.)

First, find you PC muscle.  Yes, men have them too.  Practice your Kegel exercises.  Strengthening the PC gives you more control over your ejaculatory process.

Second, slow your breathing.  Take slow deep breaths as you are thrusting.  Your body will slow the thrusting in time with breathing.

Third, hold your penis at the base as you're thrusting.  After a few strokes, pull out, slide your hand up and lightly squeeze the head, thrust a few more strokes again, repeat.  Most men use The Squeeze (the classic Masters and Johnson technique) when they feel ejaculation is imminent.  Don't wait that long.  Three or four light squeezes should help you sustain intercourse.

Q.  "I enjoy your blog, but I don't know why you keep telling women to buy vibrators.  Why does a woman need a vibe if she has a good man?  I satisfy my woman.  Why don't you tell women to find a good man, not buy a sex toy?  I think you'll find that black men do satisfy their women.  Aren't white women buying all the vibes?"  Tyrone, 43.

A.  Oh, Tyrone, you've come to the right place:  SexyPrime, the race/sex myth-busting blog.  Read "Do You Really Want The Truth?:  Women Answer 7 Questions on His Prime Member"--in which women admit to faking orgasms and more.  

Whenever a man claims he always satisfies his woman, I suspect that he doesn't realize the majority of women don't reach orgasm during intercourse alone.  Whatever race, creed or culture, these women need additional clitoral stimulation, provided by hand or finger vibe or other types of vibes.  It's not about your cock; it's about her clit.

Vibrators help a woman reach orgasm more easily in masturbation (and intercourse).  They add an element of pleasure play to partner sex.  My well-endowed Boy Toy loves to use vibes on me.  (See Cougar Chronicles, Sex Tip of the Day, and SEX TOYS!)  He is a creative lover with an open mind.  I suspect that you are not.  Go to Babeland and look at the vibes available, including some designed for couples.  Experiment!

Re. the race part of your question:  Studies do show that more white women buy vibrators than black women do--because sex toys have been, until recently, rather "taboo" among African Americans.  That attitude is changing.  Black women are buying more sex toys, including vibes, at home parties and online.  The sisters are way ahead of you, Brother.

ASK AUNTIE SUE: Reader Questions on Kabbazah; Screaming, Cuddling Women--and "What's The Sex Trick To Make Him Love Me?"

Photo Credit:  "Sexy Legs" by Stacey

I posted the first Sex Trick--a Sex Tip designed to solve a particular little problem--last week:  Help For The Fall-Out Cock.  Readers wrote asking, "Is there a Sex Trick for...?"  Sometimes yes, sometimes no. 

Q.  "My boyfriend, just returned from duty in Afghanistan, says there is a Middle Eastern sex trick dating back centuries that enables a woman to do the thrusting in intercourse.  I say that is not possible unless she's wearing a strap-on dildo.  Who's right?  And if he is, does that mean he was with prostitutes over there?"  Maya, 29.

A.   Interestingly, American soldiers came back from the Vietnam War telling about the same sex trick which they experienced in R & R brothels in Thailand.  My military expert assures me that the Arab call girls who practice the ancient art of Kabbazah--the sex trick you question--are very expensive and not likely to be found servicing American soldiers in the desert.  (Hint for guy readers:  Check into a luxury hotel in a city like Dubai and have a whispered conversation with the concierge whom you've heavily tipped.  Second hint:  While the technique originated in the ancient Middle East, Japanese prostitutes are now the most adept practitioners.) So in answer to your second question:  He probably wasn't with a prostitute "over there."  Has he been to Japan lately?

Kabbazah is simply the art of controlling "thrusting" by using the PC muscle alone.  The man holds his penis still and allows her to pull it in and push it out--thrust--by contracting and releasing her extraordinarily well-exercised PC.  The directions for Kabbazah and the Kegel exercises you MUST do to tone your vagina are in The Sex Bible.  

A little trick you can try right now:  During intercourse, flex your PC in various patterns as he thrusts.  Long squeeze, release, series of short squeezes--and so forth.  The PC flexing will boost your arousal and really get him going.

Q.  "I read with great interest the results of your survey for women, 7 Questions on His Prime Member,especially the part about how women fake orgasms.  

One woman said that she screamed loudly  when she faked.  I have a theory:  The screamers are also the ones demanding more cuddling after.  Is that true?  If not, how can I tell if a woman is faking?"  Marcus, 36.

A.   Interesting theory, Marcus.  You are equating screaming and cuddling "demands" as assertive behaviors.  I don't see The Screaming Fake as an example of a woman's asserting her sexual power; and I don't think that asking for cuddling is a cover-up.  

Both faking and cuddling are, to some extent, behaviors socialized in women.  She believes that she should come on the power of his penis alone--and she fakes it if her body isn't designed for the vaginal O and/or she's shy about using her hand.  Whether she came or she didn't, she cuddles to prove (mostly to herself) that the sex meant something.  The "cuddle hormone" Oxytocin also inspires the desire to connect post-sex.  But here's where you get it wrong, Marcus:  Orgasm increases the body's production of Oxytocin.  Give a girl an orgasm (or several) and she can't help herself:  she wants to snuggle up to you in gratitude.  Perhaps your fake screamers are fake cuddlers too.

The best way to be sure a woman experiences orgasm is to give her cunnilingus.  It's difficult (though possible) for a clit to lie to a tongue.  The pussy, however, has been making a fool of the cock forever.

Q.  "What is the sex trick for making a man fall in love with you?  If a woman is really good in bed, she should be able to have any man she wants--and I mean completely have him.  There is a man I really want to love me back.  So what is the ultimate trick?  Is it in the BJ?"  Bethany, 31.

A.  Oh, honey, no!  A woman who is really good in bed can generally count on men calling again.  She can pick up the phone at 2 a.m. and make a booty call.  But, love?  You may as well go to a voodoo store and buy some love candles.  Better idea:  Order The Sex Bible for Women and read about the science of desire and arousal and the phenomenon of dick-matization.  I can tell you how and why we fall in love, but no one, not even bossy girlfriends, can tell you why someone you love does not love you back.

Quick and true story:  I was once dick-matized for more than a year.  The dick was amazing; the man was not.  Briefly, I thought I loved him and wondered why he did not love me.  Really, I loved his cock.  I could make it behave in wonderful ways.  The cock and I had a beautiful thing going, but the man got in the way.  Moral of quick and true story:   Maybe you're just in love with his cock.

ASK AUNTIE SUE: Reader Questions on Selfish Lovers, Panty Fulfillment--And "Can You Practice Tantra Alone?"

Photo Credit:  "Sexy Legs" by Stacey

Auntie Sue told you last week that South African track star Caster Semenya might turn out to be intersex.  No official word yet, but the Australian press (and now U.S. and British media) has reported "leaked information" on her gender tests indicating she is XY, with no ovaries or uterus and un-descended testes producing high amounts of testosterone.  That may or may not be true, but I hope all the focus on this poor 18 year old girl's gender brings intersex out of the closet.

On to new readers' concerns:  What to do with a man who only wants BJs, where to sell used panties--and Tantra for one.

Q.  "I've been seeing A for six weeks.  He buys dinners, sends flowers and calls when he says he will!  But the sex is almost always BJs.  I've hinted for more, 

I've asked for more.  I'm lucky if I get a little cuddle after the BJ. We've really only done it twice.  Should I beg?  Or do you think he is gay?" -- Jannie, 25.

A.  I don't know if he's gay, but he's definitely selfish.  Maybe he thinks that dinner, flowers and reliable phone calls entitle him to the sex act of his choice--exclusively.  Hinted?  I cringe.  Asked?  Better.  Beg?!  Oh, please.  Next time, give him a few licks and a promise:  You'll finish the BJ if he still wants after he has sucked and fucked you.  The erotic power is yours, honey.  Take it.  Remove your panties, leave on your bra and stilettos, lean back against the pillows, open your legs and show him where you want him to go with that big wet erection.

Q.  "Can women really make money selling their used panties?  While shopping at Bloomies, I overheard some girls talking about it.  How do you do this?  Is there a company that buys them?  Or do you call your own ex-BFs?  I am so broke!" -- Chris, "in my thirties, that's all I'll say."

A.  Yes, women are marketing their used panties in these hard times.  I read an amusing piece about it on lemondrop.com:  "Would you sell your panties for some extra cash?"   The editors advise:  "Creepy craigslist is the place to go.  eBay's got nothin'.  (Anyone surprised?)  Most undies sell for $20-30 a pair, though some women increase their prices for every day they wear them."

Go to craigslist and check out the competition.  You'll do better if you post a photograph of yourself wearing panties.  Set up a paypal account.  You're in business.  Let me know how lucrative it is.  (I've had personal requests for my used panties, but haven't fulfilled them....yet.)

Q.  "I recently relocated to California and I'm having trouble finding like-minded women.  I don't like using condoms, but I am safety conscious.  I enjoy meeting women for erotic massages and mutual masturbation.  Most women think the erotic massage is foreplay--and they're not so into the mutual masturbation.  One suggested I get into Tantra.  Can you practice Tantra for one?"  Andre, 36.

A.  Yes, you can practice Tantra for one if you use my book, The New Tantra:  Simple and Sexy.  I wrote it as much for singles without regular partners as for couples.  You can learn how to delay your orgasm while masturbating to make it feel stronger.  You can learn breathing techniques that will help you sustain and intensify arousal.  And much more!  Turn mutual masturbation into a new experience by sharing your breathing and other new skills with your partner.  Use the techniques in the book to synchronize your breathing and draw out your arousal so that you reach orgasm when she does.

Also, check out Sexy Spirits, a not-for profit sex education center in Manhattan.  Through their website, you can find workshops and groups focused on your kind of erotic play in California.  Trust me on this:  Like-minded women do live out there.