One of my favorite people, Dr. Sonia Borg, has a new book: Spectacular Sex Moves He’ll Never Forget—and it is truly filled with incredible moves developed by the most erotically creative person I’ve ever met. Once again, I had the honor of test-driving some of her new moves while she was writing the book. Oh, yes!
“The Wicked Tongue Game,” my first interview with Sonia on her two fabulous oral sex books is the most popular SexyPrime interview ever. That does not surprise me. She is the most fun therapist I’ve ever met—a smart, sexy, savvy and sophisticated woman with warmth and empathy.
Trust me: You want all of her books. They are perfect gems.
What is your most memorable experience while developing the brilliant techniques and positions in the new book? (I remember emailing you a question about the slide and you had done it quite successfully with your partner.)
It was a version of the Power Lunch move in Spectacular Sex Moves He’ll Never Forget--on a blind lunch date set up through a mutual friend. I always wear something that makes me feel sexy on a first date, so I showed up wearing heels, and sun-dress that turned sheer when the sun hit it. I remember walking down the street to the restaurant and passing a local hamburger joint with outside bar style seating. When I passed the men, I gave a smile. That’s when I realized that I might be heading in the wrong direction, so I turned to look back to check the address and I noticed that every single man sitting at that bar was leaning over their plates to get a look. It was the kind of moment when I was wondering, “What in the world are they looking at that is putting such a smile on their face?” I even looked to see what it was. That’s when it occurred to me that I wasn’t wearing panties. It wasn’t intended for them, but I felt appreciated like one of the natural wonders of the world, graced with femininity. I was ready for my lunch date.
My date turned out to be an incredibly sexy man: gentle, kind, good sense of humor, great body and strong presence. Conversation went well, and I learned that we had both recently become single after being in relationships. This was his first date in 15 years. I just kept thinking, “my gosh what would that be like to go on a first date after being in a relationship for that long?”
I knew I wanted him to be my lover, but aside from what I was wearing, I had no “plan.” But, without thinking twice, I looked him in the eye, pushed my napkin off the table and asked him to get it for me. I opened my legs. He came up with a smile on his face and the white napkin of surrender in his hand. That was the first move for Sex Positions He’ll Never Forget and the first date to an epic love affair.
A brilliant move—simple yet incredibly effective. Being involved with you has to be a real treat for a man. You'e hot, you're sexy, you're fun--and you do stuff nobody else has thought to do. Your lover(s) can't believe his luck - or he might be intimidated. If he is, how would you handle that?
Well, honestly, the treat is mine because when it’s the right person, I get to give these kinds of gifts. In many ways, my books are about gift giving.
I realize that most men have not dated a Sex Writer, Sex Coach, and Ph.D. I have learned to recognize the men who are intimidated and their reaction to their own fears. I don’t try to change them or change their mind. I politely thank them for the date and wish them well. I refuse to enter a relationship where we let silly stuff get in the way and block our sexuality. Let’s have great communication, be accountable, learn and move on so we can enjoy the best sex that life has to offer, or the best life that sex has to offer.
Great advice—and more people should take it. According to a recent report, Baby Boomers, many of whom are newly out of long term relationships, say that sex peaked at 35, is over by 45. Half the men are dissatisfied with their sex lives. Frankly, I think they'd all be happier if they read your books. Don't you think most people need help to come up with new sex ideas? It's not an innate skill.
Boomers or not, many people buy into some dreams about love and relationship that they thought would bring guaranteed happiness for the rest of their lives. Then life happens and when it does, it’s hard to see the options or solutions. Not knowing our options or what we can do, can cause dissatisfaction.
Boomers grew up in a different time, when there was less information on sex and more sexual shame and guilt. Unfortunately, the cost of a sex negative attitude is very harmful. People shut down sexually. They don’t know how to access that part of themselves and can develop sexual dysfunction, which is just the outward manifestation of many years of repressing a normal and natural desire.
Sex isn’t bad. It’s the dishonesty and lies behind sex that give it a bad wrap. That’s why my books are lighthearted and playful. They give people permission to enjoy and see sex differently. Changing our perception is the first step to curing sex negative attitudes and the dysfunctions that come with them.
Boomers (and aging Gen X-ers) may buy into the myths that aging people don’t have sex. I say that is crap. Sex can be oral, anal, kissing, caressing, penetration, no penetration—the menu is huge. My job as a Sex Coach is to help clients find new opportunities for growth in aging, or any change, and give them new tools and techniques to help facilitate the change. Sex is play, one of the best kinds, and being playful keeps us young.
In answer to your question, yes, people need help in learning new skills; they are not innate. We are creatures of habit and that is true even when making love to ourselves. Research has shown that people will keep their same masturbation patterns for their entire life, UNLESS, they consciously decided to do something different. The same is true for lovemaking with a partner. When this comfortable pattern emerges, people perceive that the spark is fading, but often times, the remedy is simply to try something new. Between all three books, I have over 130 different ideas to keep things fresh and every scene comes with a new technique or a new move that could improve lives.
Creativity is the X factor in bed. How do you suggest readers nurture and develop their sexual creativity (after buying your books, of course)?
I am going to create a bumper sticker that says, “You can’t suck on the wrong end,” I think we stifle creativity when we are too concerned about technique and doing it wrong. But worrying doesn’t make things better it just creates anxiety to the point where people can’t literally perform. It’s called performance anxiety. Men and women get it. Don’t worry about doing it wrong. Instead, practice techniques to last longer, have multiples, body orgasms, etc., during masturbation and then let it go so you can be free to express yourself, to play, to create and be in the moment with your partner/s.
Encourage and give each other permission to be silly and do something different. I love Kinsey’s quote, “The only unnatural sex act, is the one you can’t perform.” Many people who come into my office are looking for sexual permission to try something new and different. I refer them to my books.
Have a sexual adventure—something you have never done. Have sex for different reasons. There are so many reasons why people say they don’t have sex these days: stress, fatigue, conflict, finances, headaches and other aches, etc. Why not let these be reasons to have sex? Sex is amazing healing and for whatever pains or stressors sex doesn’t alleviate, it will likely improve your connection so a more open-hearted conversation can happen. My former lover and I did what we called “the naked hug.” We would get naked and hug for difficult conversations. Or, for the more playful couples, do one of the scenarios like, The Stimulus Plan, from my latest book, Positions He’ll Never Forget, where you fuck about it instead of fight about it. Lather yourselves up with baby oil and wrestle out those conflicts…….naked. Then in the after party, you can laugh about how ridiculous it would have been to hold a grudge and be sexless for the next month.
The series of my books is called never forget and I think that title is appropriate because no matter what happens, couples can look back at the sexy memories they created from doing one of the scenes in my books to help them get through the challenging times. They can look at each other and say, “We were sexy, we were passionate, we were playful together and we can be that way again and again and again. We just have to figure out a way.”
Does technique improve when lovers get more creative in their play?
Creativity is defined by dictionary.com as:
The ability to transcend traditional ideas, rules, patterns, relationships, or the like, and to create meaningful new ideas, forms, methods, interpretations, etc.; . . .
Techniques in themselves are flat. Every orgasm is different and every partner is different in what turns them on, turns them wild and makes them go boom. Transcend the rules and patterns of the technique to the person and their sexual response cycle to create meaningful new ideas, and you have just created your own move.
Do you find that helping clients improve their sex lives has an effect on their lives in general? When the sex gets better, do they have more energy, for example, or report more willingness to work on relationship issues? What are the first good things to happen when the sex gets better?
Yes, absolutely. This is why I do the work I do. We are inherently sexual beings, but years of sex negative thinking has caused major blocks in our ability to enjoy our own sexuality, which is our birthright. We are meant to have pleasure. Our sexual energies are so incredibly powerful. Removing whatever is blocking people, frees them up and changes their lives almost instantly and with relatively little effort. The world is a better place. Anything can happen and does.
You and I aren’t the only ones who believe in using our sexual energies to improve our lives. Taoist philosophy refer to sexual energy, or chi as an essential part of our total physical energy. The second chakra, which houses our sexual energy is responsible for our sexual desire, creativity, and personal power. So, it makes sense how simply removing these blocks can change our lives.
Sonia,, what's next? I already can't wait for your next book--and I know my readers feel the same way.
Thank you Susan. I love Sexy Prime. Positions she will never forget will be going to print very soon and I am currently working on my next book, Marathon Sex.
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