Auntie Sue's legs, photo by Trent
My holiday parable, “The Misanthrope, The Stone Frog, The Poisonous Toad & The Christmas Soldiers”, struck a chord with readers.
One reader wrote. “I laughed at your Poisonous Toad, so like my aunt who has two subjects: her acts of ‘mercy’ and her stories of people who have betrayed her. She is Never Wrong; and the corollary holds true, nobody else is ever right. What a pall she casts over holiday dinner.”
Next year, invite a few soldiers to the celebration.
This Greatest Hit, Penis Slapping from the July 18, 2011 Ask Auntie Sue, generated a surprising volume of mail from men reporting penis abuse.
Q. “I still don’t know how it happened, but I have a wife. One year. She slaps my penis during sex if I do something she doesn’t like—and she doesn’t like a lot. She’s a very religious woman. Last night I was eating her out when I put my hand around my penis and started working the shaft. She pulled my hand away, slapped my penis and said, ‘God doesn’t like that!’
“Can slapping cause injury to my manhood? Sometimes she slaps hard.” Carlos, 27, Mexico City.
A. Yes, penis slapping can cause injury to your manhood and your penis. Assert yourself. Tell her she cannot touch your penis with any emotion other than love. No more slapping.
As to the big question hanging over your letter, the one that you didn’t ask—What can you do about this marriage?—I see two options. Pray daily for her sexual conversion or investigate a Catholic annulment. Oh, I forgot: I don’t believe in prayer. Penis slapping might render you impotent and unable to have conception sex. Isn’t that grounds for annulment? How about spousal abuse?
I have a lawyer friend in Mexico City. Do you want his number?
A psychologist from Switzerland, Jon, says he developed his theory of why some marriages are sexless while reading Ask Auntie Sue.
“I noted how often people who complain of ‘no sex’ or ‘not enough sex’ also mention that a spouse’s weight gain is an issue—or they cite the domineering wife or passive husband as a turn-off. I theorize that the deadly combo of fat, demanding wife and passive/aggressive husband kills sexual desire in both spouses.
“I am developing the research protocol now and hope to have a book on the subject in three or four years.”
If you want to participate in Jon’s research, send me a note. I will forward to him.
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