Yesterday I announced a give-away of The Orgasm Loop e-book—and the response has been overwhelming. In addition to requesting a book, some readers chose this as a moment for a personal good-bye or to thank me for being a pro-sex voice in the world, encouraging their sexual expression. I am honored, flattered and humbled by your letters. You cannot imagine how much they have meant to me in the past weeks and will mean, I’m sure, in the weeks ahead.
This is an excerpt of one of the many that that touched me and made me laugh—
“…your writing inspired me to buy my first vibrator.
“This last summer I was reading your blog faithfully, and began toying with the idea of buying a sex toy, but held off until I left home to go to school for my senior year of college. I still put off the purchase, until a conversation with one of my roommates pushed me into actually buying. We had been drinking when she complained about being horny, missing her fiance. I suggested that she buy a vibrator and offered to drive us to the local sex shop because she doesn't have a car, and I had wanted to buy one anyway. Her reaction was something along the lines of OMG EWWW!.
“I was a little shocked and taken aback. She asked if I did ‘that’, to which I replied yes. She shook her head and said ‘absolutely not, that's disgusting’. My opinion of her plummeted. I went online and ordered a vibrator off the Babeland website. My vibrator arrived a week later, and has served me well ever since…”
In honor of The Orgasm Loop and vibrators, today’s questions are all about Os—
Q. “I’ve not always had orgasms as often, or as frequently, as I would like—but when I had them, they were strong. Now that I am in perimenopause, I have stalled orgasms. I feel myself coming. There is a single contraction and it’s over, leaving me with a feeling of incompletion. Is this part of aging? How do I get my Os past the stall-out?” Jordan, the U.K.
A. I’ve heard women use the phrase “stalling out” to describe that feeling of being on the verge of orgasm, then “losing” it. That’s not exactly what’s happening to you, but pardon the pun, it’s close. Whether your orgasm fades on the verge or one contraction in, the fast and easy fix is increasing the pressure and speed of clitoral stimulation just when you feel you need this to push you over. Use your hand, his hand or tongue or a vibrator.
Don’t hope and pray your partner will give you what you need. Take it. (Most men will find your active involvement in getting your own orgasm very sexy.)
Hard thrusting alone won’t do it for most women—and that may be true for other women who did come on intercourse alone as their bodies and relationships change. That you say you haven’t had orgasms as often or frequently as you would like indicates you’ve never fully reached out for them. Do!
The years leading up to menopause may begin in the late 30s and end in the early 50s. You are aging—everyone is—but not “old.” Read in The Sex Bible for Women about the physical and psychological changes to expect and the solutions for handling sex issues that may crop up. The most common problems for men and women are caused by prescription drugs, especially anti-depressants which are over-prescribed in this country.
Q. “I have suddenly developed a sexual dysfunction. I cannot reach orgasm with my wife. I’m in good shape with no drug or alcohol dependencies, in my mid-forties. What the hell is going on here? A few times a year, I hook up with an old girlfriend when I travel to the West Coast, no problems coming with her. I know you’re given advice on the subject in this past. Could you tell me where to find it?” Skip, New England.
A. The man in question 2 of the August 8, 2001, Ask Auntie Sue suffered from bi-polar disorder and depression. That’s a lot of meds to overcome. The techniques should be very effective for you—unless you have failed to mention anti-depressants, pain pills or the odd sleeping pill. Even if you are not dependent on these meds, they can impact your sexual performance.
My sister sexpert Lou Paget and I discussed the most recent research on the role of SSRIs in inhibiting sexuality, male and female. We agreed: No wonder so many couples aren’t having sex. Even a moderate dosage can play hell with your sex drive.
Ah, but you do ejaculate with your lover. Could psychological issues lie beneath the ejaculation drought in the marital bed? Affair Guilt? Religious guilt? Or perhaps you are partners in that most erotically restricting of marriages, the angry domineering wife/passive aggressive husband? I wrote about that a lot this summer too.
The Sexy Beast said that he “walked on egg shells” around his wife, did not tell her what he felt or thought about anything—and “went along” so she wouldn’t “go off.” He let her bully him; and she despised him for it. Do you live in the dark place too?
Q. “I have a dark secret, one I’ve not shared with anyone. I’ve never had an orgasm. I’m 46, my lifetime number is 12, been married for ten years, mother of two—and NOT ONE ORGASM. WTF—is wrong with me? People look at me and see good husband, great kids, fulfilling job, comfortable lifestyle—and I wonder do they ever see the real me? What happens to women who never reach orgasm?” Carly, Phoenix, Arizona.
A. Well, darling, they develop scowls that Botox can’t alleviate. Their hip moves become restricted It gets very ugly from there. But don’t despair.
You will have an orgasm. Download the copy of The Orgasm Loop that Lindsey will get to you and many others over the next few days. Learn the O Loop. And just do it.
I want to hear from you again, ok? Don’t feel alone. Millions of women out there look great but share your secret. Do it for them too.
copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime.