One of the most frequently-asked questions to Auntie Sue is: I have fantasies of being submissive to a dominant man—How can I meet one?
Often that is followed by: On the internet?
Women do have more submissive fantasies than men.
According to Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam, the authors of A Billion Wicked Thoughts, in a Psychology Today article, women’s brains are hard-wired for sexual submission. They write:
“Though a woman's preference for physical sexual submission appears to be controlled by the unconscious, inaccessible subcortical part of her brain, this unconscious physical preference is complemented by an independent psychological preference for dominant men.
“Almost every quality of dominant males triggers arousal in the female brain: dominant scents, dominant gaits, deep voices, height, displays of wealth. Romance heroes are almost always high status alpha males—billionaires, barons, surgeons, sheriffs. Avon Books and Ellora's Cave feature no heroes who are kindergarten teachers, accountants, or plumbers. Even though there's been a trend away from the conspicuously rapey bodice-rippers of the seventies and eighties, women still want strong, dominant men…”
One kind of dominant male, the alpha male, picks up checks, buys expensive gifts and expects his woman to fall to her knees when he wants her there (my favorite kind)—and the other variety of dominant male plays the top in DS games. That guy may or may not have the qualities we love in alpha males. If he does, I’m betting you will play hell finding him on the internet.
Ogis and Gaddam describe the internet as the “the largest experiment on human behavior in history.”
Putting a flogger in the hands of a typical internet player is the kink equivalent of submitting to the role of guinea pig in a medical trial conducted by interns not affiliated with a major teaching hospital. I have reached this conclusion in reading many, many emails from women relating their experiences, not from my own. My one and only internet affair was The Sexy Beast, very good in bed, but a partner in an ugly marriage of passive/aggressive man and angry/dominating woman.
For every one woman writing to say “I found the dominant male of my dreams online”—there are several hundred who report they didn’t.
I’ve distilled the top five characteristics of the men searching for submissive women online. He—
1. Is an underachiever or under-employed—and blames “the system,” whatever system, for his dissatisfaction.
2. Claims to have superior sexual prowess—and to satisfy his partners more than other men have done or could do.
3. Is cheap, unattractive, yet convinced of his own appeal, and talks/writes in ponderous sentences and self-absorbed commentary.
4. Claims to love women, but is a thinly veiled misogynist.
5. Preys on vulnerable women, with body or sexual confidence issues, perhaps in unhappy marriages or going through divorce—and often may hang out in swinger groups, hitting on the women who are insecure about their skills.
Prime example of the breed: X, a man who has been writing to me for some time. He describes himself as balding, pot-bellied and “poor” though he is a well-educated, if lazy, professional. He considers himself the sexual savior of unhappy wives/divorcing women, having brought multitudes of them, or so he says, to sexual awakening. When he boasts that attractive women he “meets” online fly across country, at their own expense, to be with him, I cannot imagine why. Can’t they find his equivalent simply by frequenting Happy Hour at the local pub?
Having flashes of insightful self-awareness (that he later recants), he told me in one such instance about a DS affair. “I pushed her past her limits to the point where I knew it was no longer fun for her. But I was drunk on power.”
Drunk on power. Do you really want a pot-bellied power drunk playing dom to your sub? Remember The Ugly Beast in Kimmie’s too long serial, “Dirty Little Secret?” Her fan base disappeared in the telling of this story about a physically unappealing, arrogant dominant man who left her continually “quivering.” It didn’t work as erotic fantasy for most of us. Why would you think it would work in real life?
What you need to know to find your sexually dominant man—
Realize that acting out a fantasy usually disappoints. Many women are aroused by BDSM fantasies. Do you wonder why, as women have gained power in the world, our interest in kink has apparently increased? First, we are freer to ask for what we want than previous generations of women ashamed of “aberrant” desires. Second, the internet has normalized all forms of kink and made it seem accessible. We have the power to surrender. So women leap to acting out their virtual fantasies with an internet stranger, who may turn out to be a real creep. Don’t.
Try to connect with a man you know and trust. If you have a regular sex partner or know a man who obviously longs for you—confide your submissive dreams to that man. Don’t be embarrassed to share your desires with someone you know. That's what drives many women to submit to strangers. You may be surprised to find he is very interested in exploring this territory with you.
If you are determined to go online with your desires, be critical and analytical of the man—and don’t pay for the privilege of being spanked. Use the five characteristics above as a checklist when interviewing men who would be your dom. Insist he travel to you and pick up all checks.
Spanked? Read these posts:
Alex Zola's spanking confessions in "The Fine Line Between Lust and Hate'
If he wallops you too hard, get off his lap. Here's how a real man does it: "How to Spank Your Lover"
Finally, heed the big warning sign: Criticism. Insecure men posing as doms are bullies, even if they restrain their physical actions. They abuse women verbally and psychologically, using criticism as their favored tool. If the man keeps undermining you, attempting to control you by critiquing your work, appearance, sexual skills and appeal (and looking for a sign of temporary weakness to use his tongue the way he uses it most effectively, as a weapon, not an instrument of pleasure) —he’s a bully. Babe, you’ve got much more to offer than he does. Kick him to the floor and out the door.
Photo Credit: The Sex Bible
Next Week: Suggested books and films for enjoying your fantasies.
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