I've been deluged with mail in response to last week's letter from the man who asked, "How do I tell my wife she is too fat for sex?"
Fat women are just damned mad--at him and me for not "putting him in his place." His place? Where is that? Buried under rolls of her flesh? Sorry, I couldn't resist being just a little mean as you ladies were so very rude, even nasty.
I believe I have said: Some men like bigger women; some men don't mind if their partners gain weight; some men do. I also said: We cannot mandate sexual attraction, even in marriage.
To the questions--
Q. "I am four dress sizes bigger than I was when I married fifteen years ago. My husband has never made a secret of his admiration for trim women. But we still have sex--and sometimes good sex. I would like to have sex more often. What can I do to turn him on in spite of my weight?" Eva, a Heartland Mama.
A. According to new science studies, many women of all sizes feel more confident and sexually free when they Do It Dressed--wear a favored article of clothing during sex. My Sex Wardrobe Basic series is based on that concept. See the category on the right. Start with The Boyfriend Shirt Quickie. Big shirts, open in front, are flattering on all women. Bonus: You'll surprise him with some new moves.
Don't stop there! Try all the basics, especially the one that started it all: The Basic Black Dress of Blow Jobs. The more skilled you become, the more irresistible he will find you.
Q. " My husband and I haven't had sex in over a year. We've been together twenty years, but I am not one of those fat wives. I am a professional woman, in good shape. Other men come on to me. My man began losing his interest in sex, at least with me, a few years ago. I tried everything. I insisted he see a doctor who said he was healthy and prescribed Viagra. He refused to take it. Is our sex life over?" JJ, American ex-pat married to an Irishman and living in Dublin.
A. Why don't you ask him that question? If he says it's not, then tell him you would like to re-ignite the flame now. And if he says it is, Why? You must start a conversation about sex. What did he like or not like about your lovemaking? What did he want that he didn't get? Why did he turn off?
There could be many reasons for his sexual withdrawal--depression, buried anger or resentment towards you, fear of aging, repressed sexual desires and more. He needs to figure it out. If your sex life is over--you need to decide what to do for you. I hope you don't throw yourself on his funeral pyre.
Q. "I want something that I am ashamed to ask my lover to give me. Before her, I was with a woman who played with my ass, usually by inserting a lubed pinkie finger. Sometimes she inserted two fingers and pressed against my prostate from the inside--my G spot--and made me come. I want that again. how do I ask for it?" John, Philadelphia.
A. Don't tell her that ass play was your former lover's specialty.
Ask her if you can share a fantasy. Describe the kind of ass play you want, telling her in the form of an erotic story. Suggest that she might like to feel your finger exploring her anal opening. If you make it sound like sexy fun, she will likely be willing to play.
Should she be squeamish about inserting her fingers into your anus, check out the anal vibrators and other anal toys at Babeland. Don't forget to order the lube too.
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