Often I get a batch of questions on the same topic—all within hours--concerns inspired, perhaps, by something in the news. This past week I heard from many women—and some men—about her “vibe dependency.” That’s a myth; and I will bust it.
When women express concern about “over-using” vibrators, they are often expressing fear of sexual pleasure. We distrust pleasure (especially for women) so much in this Puritanical society that arguments against it, often disguised as concerns about The Relationship, are abundant. Men’s issues with vibrators are rooted in their fear of battery-operated ‘competition.” As I’ve said before, no toy can replace a living, breathing man. The vibe is not your competitor, gentlemen; it is your sex toy too.
To the questions—
Q. “I only reach orgasm in masturbation. For several months, I’ve masturbated with the big Hitachi Magic Wand. Now I can’t orgasm without it. I haven’t been in a relationship in a few years, but recently started seeing a great guy. I am faking orgasms with him. What else can I do?” Alicia, Nebraska.
A. I love my big Hitachi Magic Wand + Gee Whiz Combo.
Without the attachment, it takes me from zero to orgasm in under a minute.
You aren’t addicted to the Wand. Rather you’re in the habit of fast orgasm. You need to expand your vibe collection. One vibe is never enough. First, buy one of the rabbits, like Sexy Bunny, combining internal stimulation with clit-tickling rabbit ears.
Then try one of the designer external vibes, like my new favorite, Minna Ola,. (See my review.) You operate Minna Ola (available only at Babeland) by squeezing her; and she copies the pattern of your squeezing, repeating it for you.
There are so many delicious deluxe vibes in the multi-speed category—many waterproof so you play in the shower. Start on a low, slow speed and enjoy the gradual build-up.
Add vibrators and other sex toys to partner sex. Showing him your new toy is an easy way to introduce the concept of mutual play. Turn it on and put it in his palm as you run through the pleasure modes so he can see what this toy can do. Ask him to use it on you. Keep the interaction playful.
Stop faking! Never tell him that you were. Take what you need to reach orgasm, including cunnilingus and manual play. Claim your pleasure; and you will also delight him.
Q. “My first marriage was to a man; now I am married to a woman. I had the same problem in both marriages. Before we’d paid off the wedding, I’d lost interest in the sex. My wife worries that I am a closet heterosexual, wanting to be with a man. She cries we're in 'lesbian bed death.' What can I do to reassure her—because I really do love her—and also get my mojo back?” C.G., Savannah.
A. I love your question, Babe, because it illustrates a basic truth: Gay, Bi or Heterosexual—we are more alike than different when it comes to long-term relationships. We think we’re falling in love when a new relationship leaves us constantly desirous of the other. That’s not love; it’s lust. Love comes along later, as it has in your marriage.
Nan Wise, creator of The Desire Curve, calls the top of the curve, the height of desire—New Relationship Euphoria (NREU). Created by a potent cocktail of brain chemicals, NREU lifts us from our Desire Set Points (the amount of sex we normally desire when we are not in a new relationship.) After eighteen months to three years, the body has become habituated to the lust drugs—and our desire levels return to their set points. (Read about The Desire Curve in The Sex Bible for Women.)
Some people are so depressed at this slide back to normal that they keep dropping down into the pit of low or no desire. That may have happened to you. So. What can you do to bring your desire level back up, at least to normal? Some ideas--
Just have sex, even if you are not “in the mood.” Arousal often precedes desire in women.
Mix it up. Add sex toys. Erotica. Porn DVDs. Share fantasies and role play. Add a little kink. Anything “new” boosts your desire level.
Acknowledge the elephant in the room. Read this Q/A to your lady. Realizing that you are experiencing an entirely normal fall-off should help both of you relax and enjoy one another again.
Cuddle up together and watch “The Kids Are All Right”, one of 2010’s best films, currently playing on cable, starring Julliane Moore and Annette Bening as a midlife lesbian couple struggling with marital issues not unlike yours. Like your question, the movie reminds us that gay, bi or straight, we all face the same relationship challenges. In the end, the women surmounted the obstacles because they love each other deeply.
Q. “My wife has put on 35 pounds in the past year, after losing her job. I’ve tried to get her to exercise with me and, since I do most of the cooking, I plan nutritious low calorie meals. She eats junk food all day and gets up in the night to drink cola. The weight gain is creating health issues for her; and I suspect is a negative factor in her job searching. But the biggest problem to me is the effect it’s having on our sex life. She is ashamed of her body and avoids sex. I am not aroused by her and rarely initiate sex.
“How can I tell her she’s become almost too fat for sex? She’s so sensitive on the subject of her weight,” Arthur, American ex-pat living in Italy.
A. Dear Arthur, if you tell her she is too fat for sex, you may never have sex (with her) again.
Take her in your arms, tenderly hold her and have a frank discussion with her about the weight gain, focusing on the negative health effects and her loss of confidence, in job hunting and in bed. Ask what you can do to help. She may be defensive—or even jump up and run crying out of the room. You have initiated the dialogue on this difficult but important subject. Stand your ground; keep talking to her without lecturing.
I sympathize with your frustration. Frankly, I wouldn’t be interested in sex with a man who has a basketball gut. When one partner gains a lot of weight while the other stays in shape—there often is sexual fall-out. I don’t have the magic bullet solution for you, but I understand. Stay in touch.
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