ASK AUNTIE SUE: Reader Questions on Vibe Dependency, The Marriage Factor--& "How do I tell my wife she's too fat for sex?"

 
Auntie Sue's legs, photo by Trent

 

 

Often I get a batch of questions on the same topic—all within hours--concerns inspired, perhaps, by something in the news.  This past week I heard from many women—and some men—about her “vibe dependency.”  That’s a myth; and I will bust it.

When women express concern about “over-using” vibrators, they are often expressing fear of sexual pleasure.  We distrust pleasure (especially for women) so much in this Puritanical society that arguments against it, often disguised as concerns about The Relationship, are abundant.  Men’s issues with vibrators are rooted in their fear of battery-operated ‘competition.”  As I’ve said before, no toy can replace a living, breathing man.  The vibe is not your competitor, gentlemen; it is your sex toy too.

To the questions—

 

Q. “I only reach orgasm in masturbation.  For several months, I’ve masturbated with the big Hitachi Magic Wand.  Now I can’t orgasm without it.  I haven’t been in a relationship in a few years, but recently started seeing a great guy.  I am faking orgasms with him.  What else can I do?”  Alicia, Nebraska.

A.  I love my big Hitachi Magic Wand + Gee Whiz Combo. 

 
 

Without the attachment, it takes me from zero to orgasm in under a minute. 

You aren’t addicted to the Wand.  Rather you’re in the habit of fast orgasm.  You need to expand your vibe collection.  One vibe is never enough.  First, buy one of the rabbits, like Sexy Bunny, combining internal stimulation with clit-tickling rabbit ears.

 

Then try one of the designer external vibes, like my new favorite, Minna Ola,.  (See my review.) You operate Minna Ola (available only at Babeland) by squeezing her; and she copies the pattern of your squeezing, repeating it for you.

There are so many delicious deluxe vibes in the multi-speed category—many waterproof so you play in the shower.  Start on a low, slow speed and enjoy the gradual build-up.

Add vibrators and other sex toys to partner sex.  Showing him your new toy is an easy way to introduce the concept of mutual play.  Turn it on and put it in his palm as you run through the pleasure modes so he can see what this toy can do.  Ask him to use it on you.  Keep the interaction playful.

Stop faking!  Never tell him that you were.  Take what you need to reach orgasm, including cunnilingus and manual play.  Claim your pleasure; and you will also delight him.

 

Q. “My first marriage was to a man; now I am married to a woman.  I had the same problem in both marriages.  Before we’d paid off the wedding, I’d lost interest in the sex.  My wife worries that I am a closet heterosexual, wanting to be with a man.  She cries we're in 'lesbian bed death.' What can I do to reassure her—because I really do love her—and also get my mojo back?”  C.G., Savannah.

A.  I love your question, Babe, because it illustrates a basic truth:  Gay, Bi or Heterosexual—we are more alike than different when it comes to long-term relationships.  We think we’re falling in love when a new relationship leaves us constantly desirous of the other.  That’s not love; it’s lust.  Love comes along later, as it has in your marriage.

Nan Wise, creator of The Desire Curve, calls the top of the curve, the height of desire—New Relationship Euphoria (NREU).  Created by a potent cocktail of brain chemicals, NREU lifts us from our Desire Set Points (the amount of sex we normally desire when we are not in a new relationship.)  After eighteen months to three years, the body has become habituated to the lust drugs—and our desire levels return to their set points.  (Read about The Desire Curve in The Sex Bible for Women.)

Some people are so depressed at this slide back to normal that they keep dropping down into the pit of low or no desire.  That may have happened to you.  So.  What can you do to bring your desire level back up, at least to normal?  Some ideas--

Just have sex, even if you are not “in the mood.”  Arousal often precedes desire in women.

Mix it up.  Add sex toys.  Erotica.  Porn DVDs.  Share fantasies and role play.  Add a little kink.  Anything “new” boosts your desire level.

Acknowledge the elephant in the room.  Read this Q/A to your lady.  Realizing that you are experiencing an entirely normal fall-off should help both of you relax and enjoy one another again.

Cuddle up together and watch “The Kids Are All Right”, one of 2010’s best films, currently playing on cable, starring Julliane Moore and Annette Bening as a midlife lesbian couple struggling with marital issues not unlike yours.  Like your question, the movie reminds us that gay, bi or straight, we all face the same relationship challenges.  In the end, the women surmounted the obstacles because they love each other deeply. 

 

Q.  “My wife has put on 35 pounds in the past year, after losing her job.  I’ve tried to get her to exercise with me and, since I do most of the cooking, I plan nutritious low calorie meals.  She eats junk food all day and gets up in the night to drink cola. The weight gain is creating health issues for her; and I suspect is a negative factor in her job searching.  But the biggest problem to me is the effect it’s having on our sex life.  She is ashamed of her body and avoids sex.  I am not aroused by her and rarely initiate sex.

“How can I tell her she’s become almost too fat for sex?  She’s so sensitive on the subject of her weight,” Arthur, American ex-pat living in Italy.

A.  Dear Arthur, if you tell her she is too fat for sex, you may never have sex (with her) again. 

Take her in your arms, tenderly hold her and have a frank discussion with her about the weight gain, focusing on the negative health effects and her loss of confidence, in job hunting and in bed.  Ask what you can do to help.  She may be defensive—or even jump up and run crying out of the room.  You have initiated the dialogue on this difficult but important subject.  Stand your ground; keep talking to her without lecturing.

I sympathize with your frustration.  Frankly, I wouldn’t be interested in sex with a man who has a basketball gut.  When one partner gains a lot of weight while the other stays in shape—there often is sexual fall-out.  I don’t have the magic bullet solution for you, but I understand.  Stay in touch.

 

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Comments

[Kathy]

There's no such thing as "too fat for sex" - what a sad orientation to life! Hanne Blank has just released her revised "Big Big Love" - http://www.randomhouse.com/book/206707/big-big-love-revised-by-hanne-blank.

I'd also suggest checking out Health at Every Size(TM) and the Association for Size Diversity and Health. It sounds like Arthur's wife does have some unhealthy habits - but they are NOT best addressed by focusing on her weight, which is more likely to exacerbate the problems. www.sizediversityandhealth.org could be a good reference.

People of all sizes and shapes deserve to feel good and sexy in our bodies. Having to fit a social ideal is not just a huge turn-off, but it is damaging on many levels. To some extent, there is a choice in how we think about attraction. So many unrealistic images in the media can make people think they have to look a certain way to be wanted - which is absolutely untrue! Arthur can expand his attraction to include the curvier woman that his wife has become. But the issue - really isn't her weight.

[Susan Crain bakos]

Thank you for writing, Kathy, and sharing your links about an issue which is obviously of great importance to you.
Many men do find larger women attractive. Many men still lust after their wives who have gained weight.
This man does not.
Sexual attraction cannot be mandated even in marriage.
It is reasonable for a man, or woman, to expect a spouse to maintain the size they were. Were you not so defensive about your own weight, you might perhaps be more understanding of his position.

While I welcome different points of view, I do not like anyone attacking readers who have the courage to ask their questions. Who are you to say what the "real" issue is in someone else's marriage?

[Kathy]

Dear Susan ~

I completely agree with you that sexual attraction cannot be mandated. But I also do believe that sexual attraction is in many ways mandated (or socially programmed) by the media and our culture.

I don't know how you made the jump to that I am defensive about my own weight - just because I feel that "too fat for sex" is not a concept that I agree with does not tell you anything about my size, comfort with my body, my relationships or my sexuality. It also does not mean that I don't understand Arthur's feelings or have compassion for him.

I disagree with you that it is reasonable for someone to expect their partner to maintain the size they were - there are too many factors in life (including age) that can affect that. If people want to have relationships that place a high level of importance on size and looks, that's their business - I agree. But that *still* does not make their partner "too fat for sex" - perhaps too fat for them to be attracted to - but that's a completely different thing.

I don't see anywhere in my response where I attacked Arthur. I disagreed with part of your response - and I was just offering a different perspective. And my comment about the "real" issue - is that "weight" is not just a number - his wife's size is not held in any sort of vacuum. The concept of weight comes with a lot of cultural baggage - and endless messages. So, not in a personal way at all - but in a socio-cultural way - her weight is *not* the issue - it is all of the things that are tied to weight by this society - all of the messages about attraction, beauty, etc.

As you've noted, some men like bigger women - and some don't. I don't have any issue at all with that. We're all attracted to what we are attracted to. But there is also social programming to consider. And I do know men who used to be all about thin women who have expanded what is attractive to them. I wanted to offer that as a possibility - not as a mandate.

I am sorry that you received rude and nasty responses to your article. I hope you don't consider mine among them. I had no intention whatsoever of disrespecting you or any of your readers. My sole intention is to try to create a world where everyone feels valued and loved.

[sf sex toy]

How to tell a woman she's too fat for sex. Don't...

[latina escorts in orange county]

Yeah, I don't think telling her she's too fat for sex is a real good idea.

I wonder what he looks like lol!

Probably a real trophy... I can only imagine... Yikes!