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September 26, 2011

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Kathy

There's no such thing as "too fat for sex" - what a sad orientation to life! Hanne Blank has just released her revised "Big Big Love" - http://www.randomhouse.com/book/206707/big-big-love-revised-by-hanne-blank.

I'd also suggest checking out Health at Every Size(TM) and the Association for Size Diversity and Health. It sounds like Arthur's wife does have some unhealthy habits - but they are NOT best addressed by focusing on her weight, which is more likely to exacerbate the problems. www.sizediversityandhealth.org could be a good reference.

People of all sizes and shapes deserve to feel good and sexy in our bodies. Having to fit a social ideal is not just a huge turn-off, but it is damaging on many levels. To some extent, there is a choice in how we think about attraction. So many unrealistic images in the media can make people think they have to look a certain way to be wanted - which is absolutely untrue! Arthur can expand his attraction to include the curvier woman that his wife has become. But the issue - really isn't her weight.

Susan Crain bakos

Thank you for writing, Kathy, and sharing your links about an issue which is obviously of great importance to you.
Many men do find larger women attractive. Many men still lust after their wives who have gained weight.
This man does not.
Sexual attraction cannot be mandated even in marriage.
It is reasonable for a man, or woman, to expect a spouse to maintain the size they were. Were you not so defensive about your own weight, you might perhaps be more understanding of his position.

While I welcome different points of view, I do not like anyone attacking readers who have the courage to ask their questions. Who are you to say what the "real" issue is in someone else's marriage?

Kathy

Dear Susan ~

I completely agree with you that sexual attraction cannot be mandated. But I also do believe that sexual attraction is in many ways mandated (or socially programmed) by the media and our culture.

I don't know how you made the jump to that I am defensive about my own weight - just because I feel that "too fat for sex" is not a concept that I agree with does not tell you anything about my size, comfort with my body, my relationships or my sexuality. It also does not mean that I don't understand Arthur's feelings or have compassion for him.

I disagree with you that it is reasonable for someone to expect their partner to maintain the size they were - there are too many factors in life (including age) that can affect that. If people want to have relationships that place a high level of importance on size and looks, that's their business - I agree. But that *still* does not make their partner "too fat for sex" - perhaps too fat for them to be attracted to - but that's a completely different thing.

I don't see anywhere in my response where I attacked Arthur. I disagreed with part of your response - and I was just offering a different perspective. And my comment about the "real" issue - is that "weight" is not just a number - his wife's size is not held in any sort of vacuum. The concept of weight comes with a lot of cultural baggage - and endless messages. So, not in a personal way at all - but in a socio-cultural way - her weight is *not* the issue - it is all of the things that are tied to weight by this society - all of the messages about attraction, beauty, etc.

As you've noted, some men like bigger women - and some don't. I don't have any issue at all with that. We're all attracted to what we are attracted to. But there is also social programming to consider. And I do know men who used to be all about thin women who have expanded what is attractive to them. I wanted to offer that as a possibility - not as a mandate.

I am sorry that you received rude and nasty responses to your article. I hope you don't consider mine among them. I had no intention whatsoever of disrespecting you or any of your readers. My sole intention is to try to create a world where everyone feels valued and loved.

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How to tell a woman she's too fat for sex. Don't...

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Yeah, I don't think telling her she's too fat for sex is a real good idea.

I wonder what he looks like lol!

Probably a real trophy... I can only imagine... Yikes!

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