S—Michael, my readers want to know, “Why isn’t one woman enough for M?”
I’m not sure one is “enough” for anyone after couples fall from the height of their Desire Curves. Mutual intense blind passion lasts from eighteen months to three years when the body becomes habituated to the potent cocktail of brain chemicals created by new love/lust. Some couples weather the fall from a drugged Eden better than others, depending on whether their natural desire set points are compatible, their sexual and communication skills are well-developed, they have remained separate enough to be interesting to one another and avoided the trap of too much “togetherness”—and other factors.
Even so, there is desire for another, at least from time to time. Women feel it too and—my theory—often suppress their sexuality rather than acknowledge those dangerous passions. (Babes, recognizing passion doesn’t mean you have to act; maybe you can use it in fantasy. Buy The Sex Bible for Women and read the section on Nan Wise’s Desire Curve. It can change your life.)
M—You and I know that monogamy is a tough go but you will have to build that case from the ground up for most vanilla women. They can better understand a man who has an affair out of passion than the emotionally disconnected swinging sex.
S—I can “understand” swinging or affairs, but a passionate affair is more exciting and appealing to me. Your swinging stories are rote and predictable—and smug. Typically deriding the rest of us as “vanilla” people, sexual explorers are as smug in their way as Whole Foods shoppers are. I hate Whole Foods—over-priced groceries of questionable superiority, smug shoppers. Summing up your swing stories: Survey the scene, settle on a pair of nice breasts, have her every which way you can and finish with your expert anal moves. Ho. Hum. I never get the sense you wanted that woman, or any particular woman, merely some comely orifices to demonstrate your abilities.
M—Erotica needs passion—for women. You’re right about that; and swinging is casual sex. Let’s drop “vanilla.” It is an arbitrary and condescending word. To BDSM people, swingers are “vanilla.”
I’ve met wonderful swinger and non-swinger women. But many swinger women seem insecure, submissive and eager to be financially dependent on a sugar daddy. Swinger women often have more sexual skills, but I like smart, strong, independent women. Skills can learned, the more important stuff comes from within.
S—When I researched Kink: The Hidden Sex Lives of Americans, about a dozen years ago, I went to swinger parties, large and small, swinger events, and private sleep-overs as journalist/voyeur. I did not see special skills on display by men or women. The women went in for a showy porn move occasionally, like Deep Throating—But I saw them to be self-conscious lovers too focused on how their bodies looked in play (and maybe what their husbands were doing in other play) to be responsive, creative lovers to partners.
I did not pick up one sex tip watching swingers though I did from doms and subs, cross-dressers and trannies and every other category of kinkster.
Do men who obsessively troll the internet have sexual insecurities?
S—I’ve been with guys—the occasional once-only, never-again, Show Me The Exit date, a few business associates or casual friends—who can’t stop looking, flirting, texting, tweeting, talking about the passing parade of women in front of us or in their beds—and I don’t like it any better than I like the man or woman who can’t shut off the phone and talk to the people present rather than checking every incoming call and texting. It’s rude behavior—an indication of a shallow mind. I wonder what is wrong with men who can’t stop trolling for sex. Can you explain that, Michael?
M—I am a ManSlut.
Not everyone who seems to be constantly on the prowl has commitment issues, but some do. I have a wandering eye, which I don't really make any effort to conceal. One of my female friends says, "I love you as you are, an unrepentant horndog, but I just would not date you."
I really LIKE thinking of myself as unusually sexually skilled—unfortunately believing that is an important part of my self-esteem. Am I right about my abilities or self-delusional? That can only be judged by others, and at least a few of my past partners don't share my exalted view of my skills. I hope that some of them do.
S—I would not date you either. If a man can’t keep his eye focused on me while he is with me, I am not seduced. Great lovers know how to seduce a woman by lavishing erotic attention on her and making her feel like, for that period of time, the only woman in the world.
M—Some women, insecure about their sexual skills, also troll the internet obsessively. Trolling is mostly about the rush of endorphins and ego gratification from a stranger’s attention. It is like smoking crack. You can't get the same emotional high from the love of a committed partner.
S—Ah, yes, and never mind that the “new persons” are virtual cookie cutter copies of one another.
How can a woman be sexually confident if she’s with a man who never stops looking?
S—This is a big issue for women. That roving eye says to them: You’re not enough, even for the moment; I have to keep trolling for something better.
M—Women are more competitive about looks than sexual skills, in part because skills are not quantifiable. Some women are intimidated by a man having a history of dating very beautiful women, while other women think less of a man if he’s dated plain or especially overweight women. If you’ve been with many beautiful women, you seem to be setting a bar standard for subsequent women.
S—You let women know that your ex-wife was beautiful, you’ve dated models, been a swinger and consider yourself a ManSlut. What do they think about that?
M—Young women in their twenties who have no interest in dating me often seem titillated when they learn I’ve been a swinger. They say I am “old and harmless” and ask me to tell stories. Grrrrrr…..
Nowadays, I mostly make first contact with women I date on Facebook. While I don't advertise my swinging on FB, anyone who meets me there knows I am a Dirty Bad Boy, with a very naughty side, long before we meet in person. Almost all of them have at least one previous marriage that went bad at the end; many of the women most interested in me are still in the process of getting out of that bad marriage.
S—I’ve had two affairs with married men since divorcing at age thirty. It’s not really a good thing. Why is it your preferred mode of operating?
M—I just happen to attract married or newly divorced women. As a society, we need to give proper deference to ManSluts in helping primarily monogamous women break out of negative sexual accommodations.
A few days of being skillfully ravished and artfully used as cock socket by a Dirty Bad Boy...with whom NO realistic relationship possibilities existed...will free her. American women need ManSluts.
S—Really? I challenge that. She can be skillfully ravished by a regular guy who has some passion for her behind his skilled moves. I’ve had really fine lovers, none who considered himself a Dirty Bad Boy or a ManSlut.
A good lover knows how to make women feel special and desired, one woman at a time. A horndog just can’t stop panting and wagging his tail, wanting to hump as many bitches as he can, all at once if possible. You may have game, but horndogs in general got no game.
Michael you are so insightful about other people’s sexual behavior, so good at analyzing how social forces impact sexuality—are you really content to be the spokesperson for the canned spray cheese of sex styles: The roving eye horndog/dirty bad boy/ManSlut?
Women need a Casanova, not more cheese food promoted as organic and healthy.
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