Kyria, The Hat photographer, met me for dinner at Ace Hotel’s Breslin restaurant last night. We didn’t like the dinner menu but ordered “snacks.” Fried boiled peanuts were nice—and why is so much rabbit on so many menus?—but the desserts!—Omigod!—I had the Caribbean sundae.
We talked about being The Other Woman, which we both recently were for a short time. Conclusion: Oddly enough, the wives, for different reasons, would probably obsess more on our writing successes than their men in our beds.
This discussion has been going on between Erica Jong and her daughter Molly Jong-Fast for a bit now. I say: You can't trust the offspring of a sex writer on the subject of sex dying. They spent their entire childhoods fervently hoping so—and will grasp at any straw to prove it has.
To the questions—
Q. “I still don’t know how it happened, but I have a wife. One year. She slaps my penis during sex if I do something she doesn’t like—and she doesn’t like a lot. She’s a very religious woman. Last night I was eating her out when I put my hand around my penis and started working the shaft. She pulled my hand away, slapped my penis and said, ‘God doesn’t like that!’
“Can slapping cause injury to my manhood? Sometimes she slaps hard.” Carlos, 27, Mexico City.
A. Yes, penis slapping can cause injury to your manhood and your penis. Assert yourself. Tell her she cannot touch your penis with any emotion other than love. No more slapping.
As to the big question hanging over your letter, the one that you didn’t ask—What can you do about this marriage?—I see two options. Pray daily for her sexual conversion or investigate a Catholic annulment. Oh, I forgot: I don’t believe in prayer. Penis slapping might render you impotent and unable to have conception sex. Isn’t that grounds for annulment? How about spousal abuse?
I have a lawyer friend in Mexico City. Do you want his number?
Q. “My husband has two oral moves: the big lick with the flat broad of his tongue and mouth buried in pussy moving frantically from side to side. The Lick works, but please, ten years together and he can only lick? That side to side thing has gotta’ go. How do I request a total change of his cunnilingus style?” Marlena, California.
A. Why did you wait so long?!
After ten years—and how many faked orgasms?—you can’t tell him: Hey, this is preposterous, because that makes you just as preposterous for enduring his style.
Order The Sex Bible for Women, or really any one of my books, and you will find cunnilingus techniques. Show him what you want him to try. Guide him as he tries to please you. Reward him when he does—by letting him choose a new technique for you to learn.
The best way to get a partner to change technique style is to put the request in non-personal terms, not, “I hate the way you do this”—But “Let’s try it this way, reads interesting”—And respond in very personal terms, “Oh, I love the way you flicked the tip of your tongue up and down the shaft of my clitoris.”
Q. “I’ve been faking orgasms during sex with my husband for twenty years. I give a great performance. Now, thanks to you book, The Orgasm Loop, I have learned how to come for real. Awesome! But how can I stop faking orgasms for my husband when he enjoys that so much? When I really have one, I moan and grunt and sigh, but it’s quieter than my O Act. What’s wrong with parallel tracking in sex—real for me, deliciously fake for him?” M.K., American ex-pat living in London.
A. Oh, M. K., it feels so wrong to me—though I do understand your reluctance to surrender a highly acclaimed stage role.
I don’t want you to tell him you’ve been faking, but at the same time, I do want you to share the incredible intimate experience of your real orgasm with this man.
Here’s how you do that—
Next time you have sex, use your O Loop training, supplemented with hand or vibrator, of course. As you feel orgasm coming on, use some of your previous verbal and physical cues to let him know. Did you say, “Oh, yes!....Don’t stop!” Or maybe you started panting and pulling him harder into you.
As you reach orgasm, surrender to the sensations. Don’t choreograph your response. Just let it happen. Look into his eyes as you are riding the waves. You couldn’t do that before; and now you can.
Interesting to see if he thinks you are having a new kind of O or if he just doesn’t notice the difference? Write back and tell me.
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