This new survey was inspired by stories shared by some readers—including our beloved JG, the angry hurting husband—an annoying man, Freddie the Demanding Footman, from Tuesday's science post, a character in Kimmie’s current erotica serial, “Dirty Little Secret,” and conversations with M, reader-commentator.
In responding to Freddie’s claims of a harem, I wrote, “Really, Freddie, really? Hard to believe—and, if true, a sad commentary on the desperate loneliness of American women.”
Commenting on that, M wrote, “While it does seem likely that Freddie has an inflated sense of his own desirability, I think the answer to your (rhetorical) question was contained in Monday's Ask Auntie Sue column. A woman who is sufficiently sexually sophisticated that she reads and responds to your column asked if she should become lovers with a man who is ugly and obnoxious and treats her like shit. That is both an equally sad commentary on the desperate loneliness of American women and confirmation that Freddie's assertions of five women on speed dial and more waiting in the wings is not that unlikely.”
Yes, there are Desperate Women and Beastly Men and often, sadly, they find one another. But there are good beasts as well as bad ones.
I call my man in “The Diary of an Affair” (see categories on the right) Sexy Beast because he has a high sex drive and a lot of chest hair running down into tummy hair, all of which I LOVE. (The character in the film “Sexy Beast”—a 2000 British-Spanish collaboration and Jonathan Glazer’s directorial debut—is a criminal sociopath played by Sir Ben Kingsley. It is his sexiest role.)
Kimmie’s beast is an expert lover, driving our girl wild in thirteen episodes to date. Many women have written to tell me (with varying degrees of embarrassment) that they have lovers who look like this beast and also satisfy them, sometimes more than any other man has. If you recall when Charlotte ("Sex and the City") met Harry, a Sexy Beast if ever there was one, she was ashamed of her carnal response to him.
M has a theory on why this is true: “Less attractive SMART men develop some sexual skills because we don't get sex easily or often. We read and learn and try to be our best when we do get the chance so that we will get more repeat business. The handsome hung high/college school athlete who gets sex without much effort, never has any reason to question his desirability or access, and doesn't see a need to get any better. A few years down the road, we fat, hairy, bald guys may have gotten sufficiently sexually confident from our playmates reactions to our skills, that we might indeed, demonstrate the kind of smug arrogance that Kimmie's Fat Hairy guy shows in her story
Men tell me the same is often true of beautiful women. Another male reader says he prefers average to pretty girls “because beautiful girls just lie there. Yet paradoxically beautiful women can be Desperate Women too. It all depends on the timing, circumstances and the desirability (looks and money) quotient of the man.
What can make a woman feel desperate?
Age. At 22, she wants a BF because everyone else has one. At 38, if she hasn’t had a baby, she’s in panic mode. After 50, the dearth of available attractive sex partners can make her wonder if she’ll ever have partner sex again.
Married sex factor. M says—“To my astonished delight many intriguing, often married women who know me only as a personality on Facebook offer to fly across the country (often on their own dime), and indulge me with all manner of sensual excess just because they happen to find my postings to be intriguing and/or funny. It screams to me how many women are desperate for either good sex, good conversation, or a good relationship, and gauge that by just reading someone's writing.”
Poor social and/or sexual skills. A woman who is confident in her sexuality and easy with both going out alone and meeting new people is rarely desperate. The gaggles of women you see together in restaurants and bars may not be.
Drinking too much in a Hook-Up situation. He’s drunk, she’s drunk—and somehow it seems like the night won’t life up to its grimy potential if she doesn’t have someone at last call.
Sexual Insecurities. M says that women in swinging circles are often insecure about their sexual skills because they see what other women can do. Women in general are more likely to be insecure about their looks and desirability than men are—and nobody promotes that better than other women.
The Mean Factor. Beginning as little girls, women critique one another constantly often in the guise of “caring” advice. For all the babble about supportive female friendships, women can be more judgmental, mean, cruel and harsh to one another than men are.
Desperation can be a temporary position—or a permanent disposition.
How did the Bad Beasts become the men they are?
Male Assumptions. Men have been socially conditioned to believe they are all that. My pal D. Ray, creator of Trust oil for massage and intimacy, posits a theory on the current crisis in men, especially male white men: “Women and minorities still have to be better than a white man to get the same job. Men are looking around now at their non-white guy coworkers and feeling inferior because they have not tried as hard to get where they are and are just not as good.”
Female Acceptance of Male Assumptions. When I was in high school, Seventeen magazine told me to learn about the boys’ interests so I could keep a conversation going with him. Modern relationship guides are not too many paces ahead of this thinking. Stop humoring men because you’ve read their egos might crash taking their cocks down with them—and stop—
Faking Orgasms. The big sexual lie eats at the core of a woman’s being. Faking orgasm says his need for validation trumps her need for pleasure and release.
Female Competition. She extends her jealous claws when another woman smiles at her man. The dynamic: He feels prized; she worries if she can “keep” him.
The “Low-Hanging Fruit” Syndrome. “...Freddie's description of his harem is probably accurate BUT...I'm guessing in his case that there is a certain ‘low hanging fruit’ aspect to many of the women in his circle. Smart sexual sophisticates are probably not his typical dates. His obnoxiousness toward you might be atypical, ia reaction to viewing you as a sexual celebrity and that made you so immensely desirable, that he suffered the ‘loss of 40 IQ points’ in his actions toward you. The capacity of males to act like juvenile bonobos around an appealing woman is legendary.”
Freddie says that all his women want “more” of him. They want to be his only one—and that, in fact, he would be monogamous to a woman who could give him everything he craves and understand him fully. But none of these women can. Babes, there would be no arrogant Freddies without the women bolstering their egos. You’ve got legs. Climb up to the higher branches.
The 7 Desperate Women, Beastly Men Survey Questions
Now it’s your turn. Tell me your age and gender and anything else you’d like to share, then answer these questions—
One: Are you a Desperate Woman—and why? (Guys, are you with a Desperate Woman—and what makes her so?)
Two: Women, have you dated a Freddie—for how long and why? (Guys, do you identify with Freddie or find him repulsive—and can you explain?)
Three: Women, have you known the delights of a Sexy Beast? (Men, are you a Sexy Beast—and how do women respond?)
Four: Where is the tipping point in a relationship at which a woman can become desperate?
Five: What do you think about the low-hanging fruit analogy? Does it apply to men too?
Six: Have you found that less attractive partners make better lovers—and why do you think that is?
Seven: What’s the best advice you would give a Desperate Woman? A Sexy Beast? An unappealing Beast like a Freddie?
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