Greetings from Anchorage East, formerly the great city of New York, where we await the latest addition to our permafrost. My flight to St. Louis, scheduled for tomorrow, has already been cancelled. What to do in these grim winter days but hunker down with books, movies, cheese/olives/fresh baked bread/a bold red wine/chocolate and sex questions?
In other news, once again, I have been "disabled" by Facebook. Last time I went through the laborious process of finding a human--minuscule FB staff, everything run by algorithms--to get the decision reviewed and my account restored. This time, I am contacting a group of young lawyers who are researching class action lawsuits against Facebook--for defamation of character. I joined, I followed the rules, no nudity, no graphic sex, no hate speech or racism--and have been disabled, last time by someone posting something offensive to my wall and this time, who knows? FB operates in a fog of secrecy, the better to disguise the fact that they are under-staffed. Remember: any little dweeb, nerd or troll can complain anonymously about YOU on FB and get you taken down. The internet has given anonymous haters a lot of power, but I see the day coming soon when the cloak of anonymity will be removed and the trolls will run for cover under the bridge.
On to the questions--
Q. "I think my husband is cheating on me. We are so close; he is my best friend. Usually he calls several times a day when he travels on business, but lately, I don't hear from him until he's calling from the airport to say he is on his way home. We haven't had sex in three years, but there is so much more to marriage than sex. Am I wrong to suspect he would cheat on me? Should I ask him?' Meryl, 39, Indiana.
A. Meryl, I suspect your best friend needs to get laid on a more regular basis. And I can't blame him for that. What about you? Don't you miss having sex?
There are many reasons for sexless marriage; and I have talked about most of them at one time or another on SexyPrime--repressed anger and resentment toward partner, poor sex skills, weight/body issues, use of prescription meds, especially anti-depressants and more. (Tomorrow, Science Tuesday, I will have a report on a new drug that is supposed to be more sex-friendly than its predecessors.) Start your dialogue with your husband by asking, "Do you miss our sex life together?'" or even "Why do you think we stopped having sex?"
Oddly enough, I heard Camille Grammer, soon to be the latest ex of Kelsey Grammer, on "The View" this morning talking about her marriage. She has been painted as the victim in the media and he the louse who left her for a younger version of herself--which may or may not be true. BUT she sounded exactly like you when she said he was her best friend and casually mentioned they hadn't had sex in two years.
I have a lot more sympathy for Kelsey now.
Q. "I am not as fat as that guy who played the fat man, the romantic lead on a TV sit-com, but I am overweight. As a result of being fat and having no confidence, I have had very little sex in my life and paid for at least half what I have had. I work in an office of mostly young, attractive women--and I would love to have sex with any of them but I am smart enough not to let that out. The women talk freely about their own sex lives in front of me. I am like 'one of the girls.' So I asked them if they had any advice for me. Following an embarrassing silence, one woman said, 'Lose weight.' Conversation ensued with another woman saying she would never lift a man's stomach looking for his penis. Is that how most women feel? " J, 41, American expat working in Europe.
A. Come home, darling. Most of America is overweight. In spite of this reality and the fact that many American sitcomes seems to have featured male leads with pot bellies married to or sleeping with women in great shape--fat men (or worse, women) are generally not considered sex objects here. Yet I am confident that you, if you are confident, will find your match, here or wherever you are.
Maybe you are only attracted to, or fantasizing about, those women in good shape. Are you discriminating against overweight women? Generally speaking, trim women are looking for trim men unless, of course, the guy has a lot of money. Expand your pool of "options." And get a check-up. If your doctor advises more exercise, dietary changes and weight loss, please listen. Stay in touch; I want to know how you are doing.
Q. "My girlfriend says that I do not give her superior orgasms. I asked her if the guys before me did and she said, 'Yes, some of them did, sometimes.' I asked her, 'What did they do that I am not doing?' and she said she couldn't say. I ask you: what is a superior orgasm and how do I give one?" Ronnie B, Sydney, Australia.
A. I have never categorized orgasms that way. They're all good. Some are bigger, longer, stronger than others, but, again, they're all good. I almost always have multiple orgasms, with succeeding ones feeling bigger. But here is the erotic bottom line: Whether I have a modest orgasm experience or a spectacular one really depends more on me than my partner. Am I in the mood for longer lovemaking? Or do I just want a quick release and go? Am I feeling close to my lover or detached? Am I under a lot of stress or feeling happy and free?
My lover is capable of participating in that orgasmic experience on any level for me--because I show and tell him what I need and want. But he doesn't "give" me orgasms. I take my own, which is admittedly, very enjoyable with his help.
Tell your GF: Describe and define the "superior orgasm." Then show and tell.
If she can't do that, don't worry about it. Give her The Little Book of Big Orgasm as a break-up gift.
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