BR and I are headed out to lunch as soon as I post this column. New Yorkers (and their house guests) aren’t afraid of a few feet of snow. I hope your holidays are rolling merrily along; and, if they are, you haven’t engaged transportation in the Northeast lately.
I got a lot of emails on “Is His Orgasm A Sure Thing—or Not?” with a surprisingly large contingent of men saying orgasm isn’t the primary goal, especially as they age past 35 or 40. Who knew?
From M, a forty-something man who lives in California, an interesting long letter well worth the space:
“The article cited marijuana use and SSRI's as causes for men to fail to reach orgasm. I'm sure both of those affect many men. I also suspect that limited sexual variety may be a factor for some, but there is another cause not addressed in the article.
“I am a non-smoking, non-drinking, non-SSRI, non pot user. I'm healthy, fit and athletic. Eat a reasonably heatlhy diet primarily based in salads. And having spent ten years in the swinging lifestyle, I don't suffer from a lack of variety in either playmates or activities...
"and I almost never orgasm during intercourse.
“From my earliest exposure to erotica (Harrad Experiment at the age of 9), and hard core erotica (age 11, the pulp porn fiction books of the 60's thru the 80's), even during masturbation, I always strove to extend the experience...at first, just because I enjoyed the longer masturbation more than the quick orgasm, and when I started having partners (at 14), because bringing my playmates to as many orgasms as possible (as described in those books I had been reading), was always my goal. So, my earliest sexual experiences were about time extension, and I never had the oft asserted teen male issue of quick ends....
“At a fairly young age (college), I discovered that extended fucking (probably around the 45 minute to an hour mark) often caused me to reach a plateau, where I could then continue pretty much until one of us was too sore to continue, but it was very difficult to get over the top. So, in my committed relationships, I learned to let go more around the half hour or so mark IF orgasm was intended. Though having an orgasm has never been the most important part of sex for me.
“When I got into the lifestyle, particularly at parties where I might fuck off and on with multiple partners over a six or eight hour period, having an orgasm (for me at least), actually seemed like a negative, because I always wanted to be ready with an instant erection if a desirable playmate wanted to play.
“The net result...decades of intention to extend play, focus on her orgasms, and never wanting to be unable to get an erection has resulted in probably through conditioning, almost impossible for me to let go and have an orgasm during intercourse. That happens only a few times a year, and usually only with women that I've played with multiple times (and established my bonafides).
“Yet, I can easily masturbate to four or five orgasms in a day, and the first three usually only take five minutes or less to reach.
“For men who really care about pleasing their woman and maximizing playtime, it becomes a mental thing that makes it hard to let go.
“Several of the women I have played with have been disappointed, hurt, or even insulted when I did not have an orgasm with them (hence the occasional use of "faking it").
“But I've tried to explain my view in this way, because of their multi-orgasmic potential, for women, and orgasm means that the sex is reasonably good, but for men, it just means we are FINISHED. Women are so incredibly sexy, that I will always trade an extra ten minutes of fucking their amazingly hot pussy (or mouth or ass), for the few seconds of an orgasm!”
I suspect more men than we realize—and for a variety of reasons—don’t reach orgasm every time. Men, please share your experiences with us.
And a question that was on my mind the last few months too—
“I have met a man online, and we have been talking for 2 years. We are both married, and I am sure he is not leaving his wife. There is a lot of money involved, and he said he doesn't want to lose everything he’s worked so hard for. That’s fine with me. I still have young children, and I don't want to change their world. He lives about 2,000 miles away, and he'd be coming to see me. Then I may go see him. This has nothing to do with my husband. It has to do with me. I need some romance and excitement. My friend wants to try some new things. His wife has some depression and sexual issues. My question is: Can you have an affair and not get caught? Everyone seems to get caught. I make sure there is no trail...emails, texts, instant messages, and phone calls. Even in my circle of friends, everyone has been caught. What are your thoughts on this...thanks.” D, London
A. “When I was a very young wife in the Seventies—that was truly the “swinging” decade—everybody did get caught. Or they confessed. We were in our twenties, oh, so young. Older husbands and wives with more to lose financially, the perspective to value what they have and fewer fantasies about true love often do it without getting caught.
You have to be rigorous in being sure there is no electronic trail. Tiger Woods. Tony Parker. You know those stories. You also must be careful not to change your behavior toward your husband based on what’s going on in the affair. Some women become suspiciously sweet and attentive to their spouse; others become emotionally detached, even picking fights. None of that!
Drop no hints, like developing sudden new tastes or interests. Most people do scatter clues about—and partly because they want to get caught. Oh, and if you learn a new trick in bed, tell him you picked it up SexyPrime or in one of my books. You’d better go to the left hand side of the blog and order one or two, yes?
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