My friend (and sister Quiver Books author) Dr. Sonia Borg is that rarity among therapists—she is fun. Her approach to sex is joyful, creative and sexy as hell. I was privileged to road test some of the techniques in her two innovative books on oral sex: Oral Sex She'll Never Forget and Oral Sex He'll Never Forget—and I added some new tricks to my repertoire. (In addition to trying out every technique we lay down on the page, we sex writers ask friends to road test them too. Readers, this is science at its finest.)
Sonia, NOBODY has ever come up with as many truly creative scenarios for oral sex as you have. Where do you get your inspiration?
“Thank you very much. If you asked this question last year, I would have said ‘I have no idea.’ But now I know that I source my ideas. I get inspiration everywhere, but what I NEVER do is shut down an idea. I build on them. I get ideas everywhere all the time.
“I put the question out there to the universe and wait for an answer. For example, the Slinging Dixie move [in her next book Spectacular Sex Moves, coming in December but available for pre-order now] was written because I walked out to my car in the Starbucks parking lot and asked myself, ‘What hasn't been done before in the car?’ Hmm… seat belts. How can we use the seat belts?
“I got into my car, took off my shoes and wrapped my feet in the sling. Then I tried it with my partner and came up with some great variations. I get ideas while having sex and it's not unlike my lover or I to say, ‘That needs to go in the book.’
“And I get ideas from NOT having sex. I have gotten some of my best ideas when I have gone through my longest dry spells. I call them sex mirages. On first glance it sucks to not have a lover, because my life is so much richer when I am having frequent sex. But I put that energy into my writing and it turns out to be very imaginative and sexy.
“Finally, I owe some of my ideas to my writing structure whereby I set a timer and just write for 15 minutes non stop. It's fascinating what comes up when we allow. Writing is like sex in that regard. We all benefit from allowance and permission giving. There are a lot of ideas, but the ones that make it in the book are the ones that make me feel exhilarated to think about or try it. This is the ultimate test because a large part of the fun in my scenarios is the anticipation of gifting your lover.”
I’m impressed. The only idea I ever got from not having sex with a partner is: I love my vibes but I want to have sex with a man. Do you think it is possible for a man or woman to be great at oral sex if he or shedoesn't really enjoy performing it (vs. doing it out of love or quid pro quo)?
“We can only go so far on technique alone. But I think that everyone can LEARN to love oral sex and THEN they can be truly amazing.”
Men tell me that most women do not have a wicked tongue game. Do you think that is true? And if so, why (or why would you disagree)?
“I love the word ‘wicked.’ It's so East Coast. Yes, I do think that is true—because there is still shame around sex for women and wanting sex. There is so much shame that women can’t even about it. If they can’t talk about sex because of shame, they don't seek out opportunities to become educated or even to have sex. Sadly, sex is not a priority to most people.
“Also, a lot of women think all they have to do is show up to please their man with ‘pleasing’ usually defined by him having an orgasm. While showing up may be partially true for successful intercourse, it is not true for successful oral sex.
“There are sharp objects (teeth) involved in oral sex and the man has less control, so it can be really frustrating and perhaps even painful if the giver is not skilled. A male porn star at the last photo shoot I attended said he was surprised that the female porn starts didn't even know how to give a good blow job or hand job for that matter. This is unfortunate, especially when so many people look to porn for sex education.”
Yes, it freaks me out how many people get their sex ed from porn. It's entertainment, fantasy, not sex ed! What about the flip side of that question: Are most men good at cunnilingus or not?
“If a man is not good at cunnilingus, he should consider becoming good. Cunnilingus is an excellent skill for a man to have because some women can't climax without it. There will likely be a time in a man's life where he won't be able to penetrate or use his preferred style of lovemaking. Generally speaking, more men than women will put energy into becoming a good lover. Men don't hold the belief that they just need to show up for sex to happen and that belief carries over to cunnilingus.”
I’m glad to hear you say that, generally speaking, men try harder to be good lovers. Many men read SexyPrime and my books. They send technique tips and aks good questions. How important do you think oral skills are in lovemaking?
“Well, It is incredibly important to me. I see skills as colors on the pallet. The more colors, or skills you have, the more you can mix and create new colors/sexual experiences, the more dynamic the painting/lovemaking. But that's me.
“Some people don't like giving or receiving oral and that is okay. As a Sex Coach, I can tell them that oral skills may come in handy throughout our lives in a multitude of ways: 1) Variety. A variety of positions, was rated as the best predictor for a man's sexual satisfaction. 2) Climax. Some people can't climax without oral sex. 3) Loss of functionality or ability. If you cannot penetrate for some reason, you can still make love through oral sex. 4) It can make you smarter. Sure you can create new neural pathways in your brain by taking a new way to work or opening the door with your non-dominant hand (insert yawn here), but why not try a new sexual skill? 5) Sensory experience. One of the best things about oral sex is that it is a full-on sensory experience. You are right there between their legs, in full contact, tasting, smelling, touching, and looking up at them as they go through the entire sexual response cycle from beginning to end. That is a lot of information that you can take to other sexual activities and to your life.
Did you ever try an oral scenario that didn't work? (Everything in your books works briliiantly.) Or have your heard stories about oral disasters?
“Well, when I was about 9 years old, I tried to give myself a blow job with the hair dryer. I didn't see the big deal. It didn't work. In my late 20's, I broke a perfectly good vacuum cleaner trying to achieve the same sensation as oral sex. That was a disaster. My carpets were a mess.
“Seriously, no, because the scenarios are designed to inspire readers. Learn the moves, practice the moves, and then forget about technique and be in the moment. Have fun with sex, be light with it and play. Play is the state where you will find creativity, passion, and for some people, freedom.”
Great attitude! How would you answer if a man or woman said to you, "My partner is perfect in every way except he or she won't do oral--should I marry him or her anyway?
“I would say, ‘That doesn't sound perfect to me.’ I do get this question and it is very upsetting for me because it just tells me that people aren't valuing sex and not comprehending what sex can do for their lives and their marriage.
“Society discounts the value of sex in a marriage with sayings like, ‘Sex isn't everything.’ It's not everything, I agree, but a big chunk of everything. Sex is energy and the major life force of the universe. How can it not be important?
“No one wants to be told what to do or lectured, so as a their Sex Coach or Clinical Sexologist, I ask them: ‘Do you want to live the rest of their life without oral sex?’ If they can answer ‘Yes.’ then I suggest they postpone their marriage and go without oral sex for a year and a half. I suggest this because they need to feel their own appetite for oral sex. It's kind of like agreeing to a diet of bread and water when you are not hungry. If they can go a year and a half without wanting or obsessing about oral sex and be just as joyful, happy, and loving to their partner, then yes, I would say that they can entertain marriage with that person.
“But if they are thinking their partner will give them more oral sex after marriage, think again. Oral sex frequency tends to decline rather than increase after marriage.”
copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime