“But after talking with my married gal pals and seeing multiple Oprah episodes about women’s achingly paltry libidos and the trouble it caused their men, I began to wonder if I wasn’t being led astray. When I hear sexperts on TV give advice about how to help women with their “dysfunctional sex drives” I get suspicious that we’re all feeding into the convenient male fantasy of the sexually voracious woman,” from “I Love My Low Sex Drive” by Joan Sewell on The Daily Beast.
In over two decades of sex writing, I have never heard from a man criticizing the way another man gets his orgasm—or, God forbid, suggesting that an orgasm doesn’t really matter anyway.
From women, I hear it often.
Some women, unhappy with their own sex lives, channel their anger and frustration into criticism and judgment of other women’s sexuality. For example, an outraged woman responded to “Is There An Orgasm In Your Walk?”—with “BS!” and then some. Following her tirade, she insisted that she is very sexual and not a prude. (Right.) A woman befriended me on Facebook, I suspect, just to ask me why I “need” to display cleavage. I replied, “not a need, a desire.” She told me that she had outgrown the desire/need to appear sexually appealing to men. (That I believe.) Read yesterday’s post for the full FB story. Got cleavage? You could be next.
In response to an article I wrote for lemondrop.com on coming while giving a blow job elicited, I got rude and nasty comments like “This is impossible!” and “Obviously written by a man!” and “Such a display of ignorance!” (Yes, hers.) A woman who also comes while giving blow jobs said she was embarrassed to tell that to her friends. They wouldn’t believe her or would make her feel cheap and over-sexed if they did.
I hear that a lot too. It’s okay to complain about sex to friends, but not to “brag” or “boast.” Why is saying “I have great sex!” a brag/boast when “I am good at my job!” or any other superlative is a healthy expression of self-confidence? Some women are incredulous about sexual passion because they’ve been on anti-depressants so long they’ve forgotten what it feels like to crave a lover.
MAYBE THE ANGRY WOMAN REALLY DOES NEED TO GET LAID (AND COME)
“And what was left was desire. I suddenly remembered what it was like to actually want to have sex. And not like, "Sure, why not?" a few times a week, which is what my sex life had become. But actually wanting it. Thinking about it at inappropriate times. Lusting after people behind counters. Having more fun in bed, and a whole lot faster (those who have been on SSRIs will know what I mean),” from “Going Off Anti-Depressants Turned Me Into A Nympho,” by Ada Calhoun on salon.com
Women’s anger about how other women have (better) sex is boundless. SexyPrime is a place for sex-positive women and men of any and every sexual persuasion. Not welcome here—angry, critical judgmental people. I delete their comments because I don’t want them to poison the atmosphere or discourage other women from sharing their stories. Other sites encourage their wrath.
In “Outrage World” on slate.com, Emily Gould takes Jezebel to task for “ginning up page views by exploiting women’s worst tendencies.” The current outrage on the site: “The Daily Show’s” hiring of Olivia Munn because she has been on the covers of Playboy and Miaxim and thus “less known for her comedy chops.”
Gould says, “The vibe is less sisterhood-is-powerful than middle-school clique in-fight, with anyone who dares to step outside of chalk-drawn lines delimiting what's "empowering" and "anti-feminist" inevitably getting flamed and shamed to bits. Paradoxically, in the midst of all the deeply felt concern about women's sexual and professional freedom to look and be however they want, it's considered de rigueur to criticize anyone, like Munn, who dares to seem to want to sexually attract men.”
It’s ugly out there in the world of outraged women. I wish they would get outraged about Female Genital Mutilation, women being put to death for the “crime” of adultery in the Middle East, “honor” killings, little girls sold into sexual slavery—and the sexual ignorance and intolerance in our own country. But no, their anger is directed at skinny models, sexy women in the media—and you, if if you come more easily than they do.
AND I SWEAR: IT ALWAYS GETS BACK TO THE MISSING O
“That's a lot of sisters not getting the pleasure they deserve. So Bakos developed "The Orgasm Loop," which she claims is the no-fail technique for reaching orgasm during sex’ …I was skeptical, as I'm usually not an advocate of the self-help genre. In my opinion, new-age sex tips are about as reliable as restaurant recommendations from a vegan. But two attempts in, and suddenly ...” from “The Orgasm Loop: Self-Help That Really Helps” by Sadie Faye.
The bottom line for angry women delivering harsh judgments: If something does/doesn’t work for me, then it should/shouldn’t work for you. My path to orgasm, no matter how limited or ineffective, should be yours. Men don’t think this way; women do. Each unsatisfied women is her own arbiter of how other women should (not) get their orgasms.
The big commercial engine of the Women’s Media/Therapy/Sex & Relationship Advice Industrial Complex caters to this woman. Female sexual dysfunction is enshrined in the culture. No wonder Big Pharma is taking a hit for trying to find the magic pink bullet—while the little blue pill was introduced without hand wringing over how much pressure it might put on men to be sexual. Women still treat other women like idiots who can’t make their own sexual choices, be it a pill or a man, woman, both at once. We are way more comfortable with women who don’t like/don’t want sex than with women who do. If we actually taught women how to have orgasms easily, Dr. Laura Berman would not be getting her own show on The Oprah Network and that’s the least of it.
Whether we label sexual pleasure “sinful” or “excessive” or “needy” or “not as important as intimacy”—and someone please tell me how you achieve “intimacy” without good sex—we are just too comfortable with the idea that women don’t want, aren’t built for, simply don’t crave as much sex as men. We like our Mamas fat, medicated and sexually disinterested. In fact, women have a greater capacity for sexual pleasure than men do.
Orgasm is the most amazing, incredible human experience.
BUT CAN THE SCIENCE SAVE WOMEN WHO WON’T WANT TO BE SAVED?
My first reaction to the pink pill that would change brain chemistry in creating desire was: Oh, God, are we just giving women a sexual upper to counteract the SSRI downer? One could easily project a Sexual Stepford Wives scenario.
Low or no desire in women has many root causes, including what I consider to be The Big Three —
- A history of unsatisfactory sex with poor sex technique skills, hers and his, and her persistent difficulty reaching orgasm.
- Use of prescription drugs, particularly SSIs, often coupled with overweight and sedentary lifestyles.
- The pervasive myths and damaging beliefs about sexuality—and lack of understanding of how Nan Wise’s Desire Curve works in all of us, men and women. Centuries after fairy tales were first told, women still expect a version of the Sleeping Beauty myth: The prince awakens them and they live happily ever after.
All that said, we simply don’t have enough data on what low desire looks like in the female brain. For some women, a pill that alters brain chemistry may be the perfect solution. We need more research. What we don’t need is more female outrage against women who like sex more than they do.
Women are more innately sexual, more capable of orgasm than men. Watching them mellow from outrage into prudes is sad. And unnecessary! I could teach any woman how to achieve orgasm easily and often by teaching her The Orgasm Loop.
She need only let go of the rage and begin. Women who can have their own orgasms any time don’t judge other women for how they get theirs.
[There is science behind The "Skinny Jeans" BJ Orgasm, Nan Wise’s Desire Curve and The Orgasm Loop. I’ve given you a lot of links in this piece—but if you really want to change your own sex life and not monitor someone else’s, you have the tools.]
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