February 26, 2010


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"She told a poignant story of a hook-up that was a “soul connection”. (He didn’t call. She called him."
I talk to so many women (and men) who mistake the call of the wild for a soul connection. I'm not saying that's Arie's deal, so Arie, this is not about you! But it seems like a lot of people feel, perhaps from cultural expectations, perhaps from religious teaching, that when two people feel deep lust for each other and they have a few life details in common, it's some kind of other-worldly, written in the stars, meant-to-be, one-of-a-kind connection. I'm not saying that it isn't, but I see a lot of women lose their common sense and throw all logic out the window for this very tenuous, mostly in their own minds connection. And then they fall into despair when he doesn't call, because he knows it for what it was - a majorly fantastic, earth-shattering hookup where the magic was created precisely BECAUSE one person was essentially unavailable.
Romance to so many people, women especially, means all the happy sappy good feelings of love and lust. And while those things are legit, what those people either forget or don't know, is that an essential part of true romance is tragedy. And it's an unfortunately heady, high emotional feeling, and it can be almost addictive for some, helping them create the same mistakes over and over because it just feels so good!
I like Arie's comment about longevity not being the only measure of a relationship. I'm with you there. There are all sorts of great relationships, and the length of them is not the measure. But if the person in that alternately-measured relationship is using longevity, there is going to be heartbreak instead of exulatation, which is unfortunate.


As for settling - If ANYONE is holding out for another person to be PERFECT for him or her, they're deluded. In America, we grow up with this whole, "You complete me" and the Disney "the prince saved her, married her and they lived happily ever after" crap.

So many people don't know how to make themselves happy. It's insane for anyone, but ESPECIALLY those people, to think that someone else in this world can MAKE them happy. All those people out there who think that just finding the "right" person is what's missing from their lives, they need to stop and figure out that once they fill that supposed hole in their lives themselves, that's when they'll truly be ready to SHARE lives with someone else. Not share A LIFE, but blend their own with another person's.

Susan Crain Bakos

I understand what you are saying. As someone who was married, I can see it from both sides. in defense of single women everywhere, the angst about being un-partnered is not as simple as you paint it. For single mothers desperately trying to cope, for example, it is not looking for deluded perfection--but help in putting meals on the table. I am not implying that was my lot in life....because it wasn't,
but as a journalist who covered women's issues before I started writing about orgasms, I have seen a lot of unpartnered women caught in bad places...
Wives, don't be so judgmental, especially if you have never really been on your own!! Yeah, yeah, yeah nobody can MAKE you happy....but a partner can help in hard times.

Re. your comments on reading a soul connection into a sexual encouter: Yes, that happens all too often. But I don't think it happened with Arie. She is not inclined to think that way.

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