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February 09, 2010

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Hercules

Powerful! I must say first that this is a very good. Next and I am not trying to be silly or make light of a situation but I am reminded of something Robin Williams said, "Men if we can not fuck it, we will kill, just look at a nuclear missile". Shaped like a penis and our way of fucking up the world. So why did I say this is that I do agree, that men have violent tendencies some primal but many sub-consciously learned by society. As a Dom who has been a Master in a number of relationships, I have been in those situations of fucking, teasing and torturing my subs and/or slaves. However in those situations I have always been aware of myself and of the person I am with. By aware, I mean I am aware of who I am in that situation and more importantly in my life. If I during that situation with a woman I started to feel anything other than the pleasure of the play and felt other feelings such as anger or desire to hurt, then I would need to stop and self reflect why I feel this way. This is true not only in the BDSM lifestyle but in life itself.

Tinamarie Bernard

Hi Susan,
I'm a new fan (and friend on facebook). I have long help a theory, and have written about it myself, that violence against women like what you've described above will ONLY end when enough MEN stand up against it. With your permission, I'll send you a link to an article that expresses this better than just a comment can.
Thank you for articulating this. I"m going to pass it on now...Best, Tinamarie

Sue Katz

I hope this third try to be part of this discussion works this time! Why do I persist? Because you, Susan, are raising some important issues - ones that speak to the complexities involved in kinky sex.

For me, the biggest social contribution kinky people have made is their mantra: Safe, Sane and Consensual. While that is not a gendered saying, it is certainly a great place for women to start.

Obviously, someone who is vulnerable, homeless and hungry may not be in a position to offer a free consent and may see kinky sex as a barter arrangement for a roof and a meal.

The appeal of bdsm for a lot of people is grounded in a sense of trust. The bottom/sub needs to feel quite a profound level of trust for the top/dom in order to give up her (or his) power and surrender to his (or her) scenario. The result can lead to amazingly intense sensations. In fact, there are some writers who prefer to refer to "intense sensations" instead of using the kink/bdsm language.

Both giving and receiving that level of trust is pretty transforming. If it is true that a lot of competitive, confident women (you called them alpha women) are surrendering to the sexual volition of kinky dominants, it probably has to do with the thrill of relinquishing responsibility for developing & carrying out the "program."

There will always be neurotic people, overwhelmed by their needs. There will always be men who use any "trick" (like playing at being a dominant) to get a blow-job. As soon as dishonesty is involved, it is unlikely to be safe, sane and consensual.

The way to distinguish between abuse and rough sex is via consent. As you say, the issue of consent itself is complicated and not always clear. But the kind of violence that is perpetrated on women when rape is used as a weapon of war is straight-up criminal, to say the least. It's important to separate that from consensual "play" - the word kinky people use about consensual sex to indicate that it's a fantasy activity.

Your piece raises so many interesting questions, but I'll stop there and see if I can succeed in posting this.

Susan Crain Bakos

Hi, Sue...same thing just happened to me in attempting to reply to you.
I need to alert typepad.
Ok, I know that the Zola and the little professor are not rapists and child killers. But I wonder if they aren't a point on the misogyny continuum, at the other end from the horrid criminals.
When I hear or read a good kinky sex story, I am titillated even if I don't want to do it.
When I heard the Zola spanking story and the dweeb would-be master of the homeless woman story, I felt squeamish.
It is not science--but works for me.

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