Lots of questions from married couples and parents! In the holiday season our thoughts turn to loved ones—and apparently why they’re not putting out enough to suit us. If you had asked Auntie Sue before the wedding, she would have told you: Marriage is really not about sex, but on the other hand it’s not possible to stay married without sex unless you shut down vital systems. Now you see why nobody comes to me for pre-marital counseling.
Q. “We have an 18 month old baby who still wakes up in the night. Sometimes we take her back to bed with us out of desperation. We both have demanding jobs and one of us has a parent with special needs. We’re lucky to have sex once every week or ten days. He wants more sex, quickies, while I only come in slow sex and there is no time for more of that. Solution?” Kim, 31, and Chris, 30.
A. How about a “slowie” once a week (or ten days) with two quickies in between? You gotta’ give to get in marriage, Kim—but you don’t have to sacrifice orgasm. You can come in quickies too. The big secret: Speed up the foreplay part of the act by doing it yourself. Slip into the bathroom and masturbate, preferably with a vibrator until you are highly aroused. Now get into that quickie position. I really like standing back against the wall or leaning against the dresser, facing the mirror, for rear entry. (The big tip if you aren’t in the mood for self-stimulation: lube, lots of lube.) The Sex Bible and The Sex Bible for Women have directions for good quickie positions and more advice for putting yourself into the mood. As my mentor Dr. Ruth often said: “Use it or lose it.” Sex begets sex. And, Chris, make sure she gets everything she wants when you do it slow.
Q. “We have sex two or three times a week, but it is boring. Why do we keep having boring sex? We have needs, an itch that must be scratched. But what happens when the boredom overcomes the need? What’s wrong with us that the sex isn’t exciting anymore? We’ve only been married five years,” Jamie, 34, and Leon, 37.
A. Five years! Regular readers know that it’s time for The Desire Curve lecture. (Get the full explanation in The Sex Bible for Women.) Created by therapist/coach and neuroscience researcher Nan Wise, The Desire Curve explains how and why our passionate desire for our lovers peaks and declines in 18 months to three years (or, in my case, 18 days to three months). You have fallen off the high point of the curve, New Relationship Euphoria (NREU) because you have habituated to the lust drug cocktails created in your fevered brains.
Nan has the best advice for handling that. She speaks eloquently, but in the interests of space, I will paraphrase. For God’s sake, do something interesting/exciting/scary—both together and separately. Get kinky. Go back to college. Study a martial art. Take a risk. Do something to get your brains excited again. (As for specific sex tips, again see the books and read the blog.)
Q. “I have custody of my sons, 6 and 8. I’ve been doing this for over a year, haven’t had a date, much less sex. I would like to see some action again, but I don’t know how to meet women when I can’t ‘get out there.’ How do I have sex with someone with the boys across the hall? Can a single dad get laid?” Josh, 37.
A. Surely Mom has visitation rights? You make it sound like she has de-camped to a deserted island or perhaps been sentenced to prison. If that is the case, are there no grandparents wishing to have their beloved little boys on sleep-overs.? No friends who will give you a night out? In the total absence of a support system, pay a sitter. You need to go out. Even if you ‘meet’ women online, you must eventually meet them in person if sex is to happen.
Everybody has their theories about whether or not to have sex at home with sleeping children across the hallway—and/or when/if to introduce the offspring to the sex partners which always looks cute in movies but seldom is. Maybe you can find a support group for single dads or single parents in general and talk through these issues with others in the midst of the quandry. But please do find a way to have a sex life. How can you explain sex to the boys one day if you have forgotten how to do it?
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