Photo Credit: "Sexy Legs" by Stacey
WHY DO WOMEN HAVE SO MUCH TROUBLE WITH ORGASM?!
Intellectually, I know the answer to that one, but deep inside my vulva I have some issues with it. Reaching orgasm doesn’t have to be hard. Women make it hard by their reluctance to masturbate or touch themselves during intercourse or use vibrators. (I believe that vibrators are the only proof we need that there is a goddess.) Women are not only entitled to orgasm—we are not sexually empowered if we can’t/don’t have them.
And faking is not the answer. Life is too f’ing precarious and short to waste orgasm opportunities. The week’s questions begin with a missive from a “back to faking” woman that made me want to scream.
Q. “I had my first orgasm through cunnilingus when I was thirty—with a man who was determined to give me an O after I confessed to him I’d been faking them all my sex life. It didn’t happen again with him. Sex became such a struggle because he was trying so hard to please me. We broke up. I am not comfortable masturbating; and I don’t think I am the vibe type. I am back to faking orgasms with a new man. I’m really into him and don’t want him to know I don’t come. I know you say ‘intimacy’ isn’t enough, but can’t it be for some women?” Ella, 33.
A. You can’t be “really into” a man if you’ve never had an orgasm with him—and, worse, you’re faking them. Is that your idea of “intimacy”? How would you feel if he were faking every orgasm? Or lying to you on some other very primal level? You’re “really into” your own romantic fantasy in which he plays a supporting role. Men deserve better than that from women.
Is sex without orgasm enough for some women? Sadly, it probably is. I hope they are at least being honest with their lovers. I had a flash of insight when I read your letter: The middle-age women who have the Prude ‘Tude about sex were likely you ten years ago. They couldn’t come, wouldn’t masturbate and faked. Ella, dear, you didn’t write to me for the brief lecture. You WANT to have orgasms. Learn my no-fail O technique, The Orgasm Loop. Write me again after you’ve mastered it.
Q. “My husband wants to attend a group sex party with some people he ‘met’ on Face Book. I am ambivalent. It’s in northern New Jersey. What do you think will happen there?” Kate, 42.
A. Northern Jersey is a suburban Hot Bed!
Sex parties are generally hosted by groups of players who have developed clear rules of conduct that guests are expected to observe. Tell your husband to request the guidelines. Some parties are “cuddle” only. Others encourage sex acts short of intercourse. At some sex parties, you can do almost anything as long as you are practicing safer sex. Condoms and lube packets are usually available on premises. No one should ever feel pressured into participating or “performing.”
There’s sex and there’s Sex. You need a program before getting into the car. My FB “friends” occasionally ask for a lingerie shot or a date—but, no party invites. Send me a full report.
Q. “I read somewhere that fat girls are easier. It’s always last call somewhere, right? What about fat guys? I wouldn’t have lost my virginity in high school if my parents hadn’t sent me to fat camp—where I didn’t lose much weight but did get laid. In college, I became known for my oral virtuosity. The last several years have been sexually lean, pun intended. What does a fat man have to do to get laid?” Ned, 31.
A. Money always works. If you have enough of it, or at least can spend generously, you can get laid. But won’t you feel like the fat girl who, according to a recent study, takes more sexual risks than her thinner sisters?
I am accepting your description that you are “fat”, not merely a little overweight. First and foremost, you’re not healthy. In a few years, if not already, you will be on meds for high blood pressure and possibly diabetes and asking me about Viagra. I understand that you hunger for erotic touch and crave a lover. But, please address the health issue. There may already be women in your life, friends and co-workers, who will begin to look at you in a different way once you start down the road to health and fitness.
One of my own life mottos: I’m not lifting his stomach to find his cock.
Write to me in six months and thank me for telling you that.
Comments